Some mental exhibitionism again! I'll tell you why I'm so obsessed with my own looks. As I know it's odd in a way because I'm not interested of looks in general - being personality and intellect obsessed person and all...
Well, I was cute kid. At least I had nice smile, that's all I know from the pictures I've seen about myself. Then I got a bit older, which means in this case about age to get to school (we go to school approximately seven years old in here)... As far as I know I was always bit plumpy even as a kid (my diet has been under control as long as I can remember, which means very long time), but in 6-7 years old I apparently begun to get more weight. Silly thing is that now I know it was just having first visible signs of my PCOS... (Most of us have naturally more fat tissue in abdominal area than non-PCOS woman - even if we are normal build, which I'm not)
Anyway, I was teased at school because I was that fat kid, and to make it even worse school nurse yacked about my weight every time she saw me (in the end I refused to go to yearly checks), and my mom thought it was good idea to keep me on low-calorie diets on regular basis... very many no-nos there, but that's all about it now (I've ranted about that before).
We all realize how good something like that is to pre-teen or teen who has enough to cope with just growing up (and in my case there were other things to worry also - it has to do with my family and time before my parents finally divorced). So, I grew up to believe that I'm more or less disgusting (it's not right word though, but close enough). In a way it was good as I learned to appreciate personality instead of pretty face.
Time went on, and I moved 350 kms from home to study (at age of 16) and that turned everything upside down.
All the sudden I was wanted, I was a desirable woman. But... I was only a body to begin with, and it lead me to hate myself. Not as a person, but to hate my body. And I've to admit that I've wanted to be uglier to be appreciated as myself and not as pretty face, nice ass and good pair of breasts....
I tried to be happy with what I got... and there was a phase where I appreciated myself only as a physical being, and not a person. As it seemed to me during that time that you can't be intelligent and relatively good-looking.
But then I met (guess who?)... Dan, and he taught me that I can be loved as a person, as brains and as a good body and cute face. That all of those things in me were good things. (In fact I'll always remember one thing he has said about that moment when he saw me for the first time: You were so beautiful and stylish when I saw you - and I doubted am I worth you. Worth of that classy lady.)
Then we travel in time few years and get to present.
If you ask from me I'd say that it has took 26 years from me to mature to that person I am, physically (I don't mind those excess kilos I carry around. They could vanish, but I don't consider myself ugly because I'm overweight - and some people don't consider me being one... (I think you all have guessed at least one person from that group.) Only part I dislike in me is my nose, but then it's my nose and I wouldn't look like me without it. I'd say that I love certain parts of my body which many, many normal weighed women hate in themselves... but once again, I've to thank Dan for adoring those parts (my stomach and hips) and taught me to love all of me). I've become me just lately. Before it I knew that image in mirror wasn't what I should look like... (And I look dreadful in pictures of me....before last year or so.)
And what happened yesterday was first time when I like my image when I see it from somewhere else than my bathroom mirror. Same thing happened today, so I think it'll last. And I so hope it does. I love to feel this good. I've never been high (never tried drugs, see), but I think it feels like this.
I still fight, and I think I've to do it for some decades still, with idiots who cannot understand that cute face may hide working brains and pedantic, analytic character. There's always price to pay, and this is mine.
Jenna, no need to envy my self-confidence. It can be a burden sometimes too - and there are days when I've none (fortunately those days are very rare nowadays). But I don't doubt a second that you couldn't do the same, or even better. It's just long and rocky path, but worth it in the end. (Loving yourself is the hardest kind of love based relationship.)
I think this is suitable quote to end this part of this entry:
- "Depression does tremendous damage. Use every ploy you can think of to bring yourself to joy."
(Rebbe Nachman of Breslov)
Btw,
in case you're interested of what I'm listening right now, my profile has that data too nowadays. It looks like this
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