What kept me awake last night?

Fortunately I've bad habit to get bed about 8 hours before I've to wake up... Last night I stayed up thinking.
For some reason my mind drifted to think about last year and illogicality of human beings (thats what it seems to be in my eyes, but then I'm simple being with simple mind and I don't get all shades of social eye candy nor every twisted corner of human mind), gender issues and singledom. And of course my little mind who's too straightforward to understand - and which also has ability to see shades and meanings most don't see.

Gender...

In fact, now when thinking of it, gender wouldn't be an issue if world weren't be so black and white, if humans could think also other things than just those extremes.
Or maybe I just shouldn't be this honest and describe myself as female by sex and androgyne by gender. Maybe. Or maybe not. Anyway... I have to admit that I get along much better with gender queer people just because I don't need to explain who I am. But when it comes to Jane and John Does I've to be prepared to be burnt or to explain simple things for hours, as for normal individuals it seems to be just so impossible to understand that there aren't only two sexes nor genders. Not to mention that you can have sex X and gender Y.
Of course I could ask why am I complaining, I got better cards in this game than many others I know.
Anyway, last night I noticed that being nothing and everything is exhausting. As my feminine, masculine and neutral sides are in conflict all the time. It gives me tools to think outside the box, and therefore it's really good thing, but sometimes it'd be so much easier etc. to be just... normal(?).
Of course it'd be... there weren't any need for conversations like

Y: So, you're male?
Me: Did I say so? I'm not. I'm female androgyne (manwoman to clarify that term with rude translation).
Y: But you look like a woman?!
Me: No **** Sherlock...?!
Y: You're weird.
Me: Thanks.

It's interesting, really.

Addition:
I wrote this entry mostly in the morning before I left from home, and I got this idea when I was at work. I've issues with my androgynism at this moment because my hormones seem to be more stable than they've ever been. And hormones do affect in your life and enjoyment you get from it.
As I doubt that in my case my PCOS has modified my otherwise female brains to grow up like this, as they've got more testosterone when growing up than they should have got... so at this moment my androgyn brains don't get enough what they want, and apparently it may be also estrogen they lack because we may have more testosterone and estrogen than average woman I read one article about PCOS few days back and it claimed that) .. Interesting indeed.

For some reason I think that what makes so difficult to understand is that androgynes don't have actual bodily dysphoria - at least I don't have, but I know that I'm not a woman by gender even I'm very much of it physically (and I love it, just to make it even more complex). That is what sometimes makes me think, as part of me lives in wrong sex anyway... how it can survive and be happy?

Singledom

Been thinking of it lately. In addition to loving being free to do what I want I've also noticed that I've very humane reasons to actually avoid getting involved...

1. I'm afraid of falling to anyone.
2. I know myself so well nowadays that I know exactly what I want and what I can ask for.

Explanations:

1. Not because I'm afraid of love, but because I'm afraid of that falling out of love part. That falling. As usually it's me who falls when someone else falls out.
2. It seems to me that most adults on this globe are immature kids.

Then... I find myself from thinking about things which would be nice to do with someone I'm attracted to. Those little things like just laugh together to something completely stupid joke no one else understands...