Wednesday 31 August 2005

I like this kind of days. I've been quite tired though, but this has been a good day in the end.

I showed Sonneschein's newest pic to my sis and her comment will be good for Sonnenschein's ego. "He does look like Spaniard... not. That guy could be from anywhere..."

Currently I feel almost invincible. Relationship is going quite well, aka. Sonnenschein is talking about us and about moving more than he usually does.
Though he's worrying (For once it's he who worries about everything) about certain things, but fact is that we just can't know certain things before we get together. And then there are certain things he can't handle before he moves, or at least it would be sheer madness to try to take care of them from there.

Have I ever mentioned that he's cute? Physically and mentally.

...and he loves me, me.

Not to mention that I have lost my mind...

Btw,

The Sloe Fairy is soon finished. I got bored to it few weeks back because of those colour shadings -which is main reason why I like Flower Fairies... I just seem to be those ones who are never pleased.

And...

More 'statistics': -7 cm from waist since May. And I just realized that I can feel bones in my shoulders better.
Unfortunately my muscles get more visible too... Woman does not need biceps that big...

Monday 29 August 2005

Sometimes...

....it'd be so much easier just to hate him.

Well, I'm not exactly a easy person either... I just hate this situation so much...

In fact it looks like that if he's not here soon I'll find myself depressed. I don't want that.
I've been even more oversensitive lately than I'm usually... It doesn't promise anything good.
What else can this be if I don't sleep well, I don't eat regularly in any sense (for example I've ate last time about 12 hours ago... and nothing much when I ate), my memory fails me, I've lost even that little amount of concentration I've had... But this has never happened to me before. I've been able to sleep and eat even when I've been depressed.

Is this why they say that love is torment?

Because it injures your physical and mental health... At least when it's long-distance floating without any exact dates. Currently I just try to keep end of September in my mind. "Then he may be -and hopefully is- in here and everything will be fine."

And I can't understand myself. This is frigging exhausting, but I wouldn't change a day. I wouldn't change anything (Of course there are few disagreements I could take away but...). And even I sometimes do wonder how the hell I can take day after another, I hang on.
And every day I hope that he says "Everything is clear now." and gives me date and flight number... Every day. ~233 everydays, and still counting.

This isn't good even to my menstrual cycle. It's irregular (or non-existent) because of my PCOS, but this situation seems to ruin that little I've from healthy female's life. Haven't got periods since.... June. And it makes me even more unstabile and sensitive.
My hormonal levels seem to have stucked to that bad phase of my cycle when everything sucks.
It's hard to tolerate this feeling even in my normal cycle when it lasts about 2-3 days and now...

It also seems that I'm getting my childhood skin problem back....

Sunday 28 August 2005

It has been raining whole day. And I torture myself (and my neighbours) with this.

The only hope in this endless night
Is to follow you through the shadows of the deepest blue, away from the light
I hear your voice is calling me: "Don't be afraid"
But there's something deep inside of me
Forcing me to turn away
Take my hand, don't turn away, I need you to stay
I know a place where the light and the dark can become as one
This loneliness is killing me
Is there a place we both can live?
You're the dancer in the dark
You're the child of the light
You're the sinner of all time
You're the saint with wings so white
You're the distant shape in the night
You're all the innocence left alive
You're like tainted sun
You're the star shining bright

Exchanges

This cutie came from my floss mom Debbie, whose 'Secret Partner' I was in Single Bookmark Exchange (@EMS Cross Stitch Board).

      

Saturday 27 August 2005

Estimations....

I shouldn't be celebrating yet but at least I got an estimation (With some luck it's one month.).

Sleeping and seasons.

It's bit funny how summer and that much praised light affects to me.
Nowadays, when autumn is behind the corner, and days are getting shorter and shorter I can sleep. Ok, not exactly sleep but I get tired in "normal" time. (I went to bed before midnight and woke up at 3:30, so not very normal rhytm yet, but it's getting there.)

No wonder I love winter.

Sonneschein.

This good thing in my life is always an issue, and it seems that there's always something to say about him.
Well, I'm silly when I'm in love.

Anyway, his moving is getting closer. We don't have any exact dates yet but it's getting close. I just hate not letting myself enjoy it, not yet.
Though there are moments when I'm so overwhelmingly happy because of it that it may be better to try to keep my mind cool.

About living together
Of course I'm bit afraid. I've been living alone for a year and my AS type oddities are getting worse because I can let them get worse. They stayed quite moderate when I lived with my ex (On the other hand, two persons with quite obvious AS/ ADD are never a good mix in certain issues - at least then when they've almost similar symptoms.) as I had to notice other person too - after it I've forgot it and I've to learn it again.

Then there's this 'letting stranger to your territory' thing. Ok, he's not a stranger, but I'm very protective when it comes to my home. (May have to do with fact that my ex mother-in-law tried to get us evicted few years back...) And I'm bit worried, without meaning, that my little oddities are something to laugh at, that I'm not accepted as I am.

He has never lived alone or with someone else than his family. It includes a huge risk for me. I know that he has domestic skills but how good are they in the end? Is he able to learn allergy cooking? That list is endless, beginning from "right" places of dishes in cupboards.... No, I'm not a control freak.

I just want this and I'm afraid of that for some reason I can't get it. (Btw, I played that song quite much in January.)
Of course I want to be able to give that to Sonnenschein too, and to be honest, I'm bit afraid that I can't. Maybe I just demand too much from myself.

It would be so much easier just to get him in here asap and see how it goes. This waiting is worst part in this.

(And I just need him....)

Thursday 25 August 2005

Dreams

Once again he came. And how beautiful his smile was, how happy he was to finally get here. That shy man in black lightened up whole place...

Haven't been listening music in ages (because I just can't) but this is echoing in my head now:

...And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain...

Good day.

DBF (aka. Sonnenschein) finally realized that I'm a granny (or cross stitcher, same thing...) and that makes him a necrophiliac.

Mom.

She made me crepes out of oat flour. Some time ago I was cursing my allergy because I can't eat crepes anymore and now... They were good - in fact I could raid kitchen after writing this entry....

Hello Kitty.

Been stitching whole day that Hello Kitty chef to my sis. White, white and more white. And there's more to come...

I'm almost waiting that day when I can sew the rest of it and give it to her. (Her biggest problem with it is: "How can I use it? It may get dirty....")

Tuesday 23 August 2005

What has been up to lately?

Well, as I haven't been updating very much here's little glance to what has been up to lately.

SAL

I participated to one more stich along in Dragonfly Stitches.

Sonneschein

Is -once again- afraid that I leave him, just because I happen to be bit tired to this long-disctance stuff.
Though he knows I can't leave him, and why would I? I love him.
Missing him like hell is just something which belongs to this phase.

I just wait that day when he arrives.


In general.

I've been watching my mom's cats last days. Been stitching like idiot, and haven't got even half of my scheduled tasks done. I just need more hours to a day. (Not to mention that I want my sleeping rhytm and appetite back.)

For some reason it feels that I have more to say, but I just can't remember what I have been saying... so more later.

Sunday 21 August 2005

Hello again

I've been silent for a while. Haven't got anything to say as I have had so much on my mind.

Sonnenschein is getting more open. It's good, as he's quite introvert in certain way (I'm introvert in every other way... ). Nowadays he even dares to say against me.
That's something which has never happened. Quite unbelievable after almost 8 months, isn't it?

Tuesday 16 August 2005

And now for something completely different...

Useless link of a day:

You might be a Monty Python fan if...

I confess, even without pillow poking...

In fact I almost should add something to that list:

You have contact group called Bruces in your IM software.

Monday 15 August 2005

Weight

It seems that my weight is really going down... without any actual dieting or weight-loosing related stuff.

~9 kilos since beginning of May. So, either it is all about getting almost too much proteins from my diet, or then it is my PCOs.
If it is my PCOs, it means that my PCOs has good phase - or it's getting better in general. Which would be great thing. I'm really not very fond of idea of getting diabetes in age of thirty just because of my lousy genes, so if this keeps going on my risk of getting DM II reduces.
In case it has to do with my allergy... then I can say that there's something good in it in the end (Though I'd give this friggin' thing away any day). And if this goes on my PCOs will like it, as losing some weight is good to PCOs woman's fertility (not to mention that DM II risk...).
Which means.... babies.

Who knows, maybe I lose weight just because of Sonneschein?

Anyway, whatever that reason is I'm glad.
Not for aesthetic reasons, just because of my health and fertility - and because I know that for PCOS woman it's ten times harder to get rid of one's excess kilos (those kilos which this syndrome gives to us...) than it'd be if we were 'healthy, normal' women.

Sonnenschein

With him joy is greater, life feels like something. It doesn't just flow, it feels more like life. Life 'happens more' when he's around.

I was going to sleep when I felt his arms around me, his body behind me, his face in my neck, his breathe on my skin... and it lead me to realize those things.
Realized that I really love him, I need him. It can be scary, needing someone.

Everything is in his hands and I'm just his puppet. He can cut my strings and kill me, he can hold my strings in his hands and never let go.
And only thing I can do is trust him and give him my love.

At this moment only thing I can do is to miss him (and have his pic staring at me from my monitor when writing this - and missing him even more (I just hope that some day he'll realize how beautiful he is...)).

Friday 12 August 2005

Family affairs and other things.

One thing I really appreciate in my mom is that she keeps everything I've made for her (Well, that's some mom thing but anyway). I've been documenting things I've done and my mom is easy person to get along documenting wise: I can find everything I need by just glanzing around in her apartment - in fact I've found more than I remember I've done.
Once again I tried to get pic of that Flower Fairy (I've mentioned it earlier) from my SIL, and still she just gives me pile of excuses. In fact I'm not irritated because she seems to be an idiot, I'm irritated because she seems to be unable to respect even belongings of her own kids. Maybe she hasn't realized that it was gift to their youngest child, not to her.

Exchanges.

I sent letter to Australia four days ago and when I woke up today I heard that it's already there. From Finland to Australia in 4 days.
Anyway, that letter contained cross stitched bookmark - and she liked it! Once again I'm happy. (Only thing which annoys me is my lousy cam...)

Now I need more exchanges as I really enjoyed those two.

Thursday 11 August 2005

Bad day.

First of all today I came to my mom's place and will be here almost two weeks watching her cats. Nothing bad in it, but... I've had allergic reactions all day because her kitchen is full of wheat etc. proteins.
I brought my air "cleanser" (with HEPA filters etc.) and after almot 12 hours I can be in her kitchen without taking pile of pills.

Yes, it's really great....

Sonnenschein.

*sigh* I just miss him so. Lost my words, feeling blue. Too many days to wait.

I should go to sleep but I don't want to - even it'd make me feel better.

Tuesday 9 August 2005

Photos

I found some old photos from storage room, I've been laughing my ass off about half an hour.

But there's so much memories in them. Pics of my first bf even. We were quite cute couple. And I was quite cute back then, I just hope I'm as cute now.
I also remembered why I fell for M. Those eyes of his.... yikes.

I don't look a day older now than I looked when I was 16. So, I've been right when I've said that I've looked like 25 year old last 12 years... Back then it was good in a way, nowadays it's also good - just for different reason.

Monday 8 August 2005

Good news.

I participated in a sachet exchange - have never participated any exchanges nor done sachets - and now my 'secret pal' has received her sachet. And she liked it. I feel so good.

This is how it looks like (with my lousy cam):

Not to mention that gorgeous sachet I received (Thanks Liz.):

.

Metallics and purple, filled with little bag of charms (As far as I know it's not possible to even get charms from here.).

Allergy.

I just can't believe that my mom, who has asthma, haven't got the idea that allergy can kill. She seemed to be unable to understand that I really have to avoid most things if I want to stay away from hospital/ graveyard.
Even I've mentioned that last week it wasn't very far fetched. And just because there were some corn in air of my kitchen.

Sonnenschein.

He'll be in a trip until next Monday. Once again I'm counting days to get him back, even it's only to get him back online. Have to see how blue I'll be in the end of the week.

Hopefully things begin to happen after he comes back, otherwise...

Though I miss him. Glanzing at his pic all the time, and daydreaming...

Avatar.

Changed my user pic. Even I have problems to believe that my eyes aren't brown. Those would look good on me.

Saturday 6 August 2005

Hiroshima 60 years

Peri 8 years.

After 8 years of being Peri I can say that it has been worth it. I don't miss my given surname a bit.

I've spent my day updating my homepage, only because I invented this great milkshake and got stucked into my HTML editor.
Anyway it was good as my allergy section was highly outdated. Not to mention my cross stitch pics... even I have to finish that "labelling" before I can say that they're anywhere near good.

Thursday 4 August 2005

Useless link of a day

In our series Things you really don't want to know:

How to make a starship Enterprise out of an old floppy disk.

7th month

He resigned.

We've been us 7 months now. In this night we talked about marriage. First time in ages. But this was odd night in many ways. We talked about our relationship even.
And Sonnenschein made questions about living in here. In here, here where I live. In this neighbourhood. I'm surprised.

Scary, he really seems to be moving.

It feels good once again. Things seem to get clearer. And it makes me happy.

Tuesday 2 August 2005

Hmh.


We're having our first crisis.

I don't like it but those are part of every relationship, so we just have to work to get trough it.

In fact I'm quite proud of us, we seem to be quite good in art of arguing. And once again I realize that even he's not perfect, I do love him.
That is hard to confess to yourself, that you love someone imperfect.
At least it's hard for me, as in my eyes my loved one is always perfect... But even Sonnenschein is a human being and humane with his defects, no matter how hard I try to fight against it.

And that is one thing I love in him. He's only a human.