Long time, no see

I have thought about writing an entry for about bazillion times. But to no avail as life has been overwhelming and my head has been even greater mess than it usually is.

But I talked to Someone Very Dear about my blogging recently and he wondered why I have ceased to do it because I was good at it... Back in the day when we got acquainted. 12 years ago.

No, there's no Mr. Right Now.
Someone Very Dear to me is that missing piece of my soul, Mr. Wolf from aeons ago.
It's funny really. It has been years since last time and when we talk (well, type) it's like those years never existed. I never get that with people. Never. Time gets between me and my ability to act normally. Usually.

Which probably has something to do with the fact that I may have inattentive ADHD and it causes me to have problems with social interaction. among other things (like life). It's not official, but it would explain a lot (a WHOLE lot). and preliminary testing points heavily to that direction. It would also explain why Tiny has ADHD too (and vice versa). This is recent addition from this summer, but it was not a surprise to anyone who is in contact with him. And hopefully there will be medication trial this year as Tiny goes to preschool (today!) and needs to amp up his concentration.

Maybe I am back, who knows. Let's see.

It's like learning to walk again

When you have learned to watch your every step, move, gesture and keep your eyes away from the person you love (because he is a controlling jerk and you haven't realised it yet) it's actually really difficult to unlearn it even if previously mentioned things are well in the past and processed. And it's like being in alternate reality to have someone you care for close willingly to you after being with a controlling jerk who considered all physical contact as something distasteful, even brutal.

I am in the brink of a cultural shock.

Little Grey Cells Are Moving Too

It's funny how your mind processes things. Little by little, and then continues chewing the same thing later until it's small enough to digest without problems.

While packing I have had few moments of "What the heck was I thinking?!" regarding past with mr. W., but it has also proved that I have come far in last two years.
Now I just find things tragicomic rather than sad or depressing. Even the fact that mr. W. was and is full of c*ap.

But still, out of all that was bad came out the best thing in my life: Tiny.

Maybe it's karmic in its way that out of huge pile of smelly stuff comes out so much joy.
And truth to be told I am convinced that mr. W. gets his share of Big Bad Karma sooner or later. If he hasn't already been hit with it. (If I have understood correctly it may be the case, may have been even before I kicked him out. (See, he was big fan of telling things to me... not. I just tend to read between the lines.))

It has been 25 months and in 18 days we leave this halfway home (I have considered this flat a halfway home for a long time, we needed to move here to give me distance and time to figure out who I am and what I want). It's scary, but changes always are.
If things go as planned 2015 will be so very different. In a good way.

Talking of past...

... why it seems to me that people from past are eagerly coming back to my life, or at least trying to, in growing numbers? It has been such a "Hiya, still remember me?!" month...

Blast from the past

Someone commented to the first entry of my little blog yesterday and that got me into reading my divorce related entries again (well, it was after 1 am and I didn't want to sleep because my Darling is not there by my side) and noticed interesting prediction: One thing seems to be sure for me. If I found someone someday, he wont be from this country. I do not know how I know it but I just do. For some reason..." (Editorial note: please excuse my appalling lack of grammar, my tenses suck even worse then than they do now.)

 

Since the separation I did not date one single Finn (went to a date with one Finnish man though (and even he had been born and raised elsewhere), didn't work - even I rather enjoyed it (some men just have so poor taste when it comes to women )), and then eventually was found by my Darling Husband and proved myself right for good.

I had fun while reading this entry: "I need someone stubborn enough, someone with his own free will. Someone strong and reliable, who keeps what he says... " as He really is like that. Two very stubborn parties in one relationship makes it sometimes quite interesting though.

And, of course, reading those old entries also made me appreciate the fact that ex-SIL is an ex as she would have harassed me SO badly about Mr. Wonderful (ref: this) and got into such levels with her questions which would have made me just feel plain disgusted and angry. (Remembering all the nauseating questions and comments she made when I was dating Abhi (who was/ is Indian) I would almost imagine that she would have got much worse about her questions and comments regarding my Wonderful (just knowing all the idiotic stereotypes some people have about black men..)).

Anyway I have been pleased to see that I really did achieve what I hoped for: I grew up, learned to love and appreaciate myself, and eventually found a good husband: Mr. Wonderful who is really a gift from G-d.

That's all folks, see you again some other day!

Writer's Block: Bitter aftertaste

 

Basically I have never gave a damn when it came to roommate's or friend's musical preferences - though admittedly I do not think too highly of a person who listens solely of one artist or genre. Being a person with very varying musical taste I find it disturbing that there is someone who can be so limited, strict or just plain boring.

When it comes to love music has played a big part and it has usually been unifying factor (excluding Dan's love for Mozart, whereas I can not stand most of Mozart as it shuts my brain): without my love for music I had never ever met or got to know Sonnenschein or Wolfie (in Wolfie's case this is more than true).

Though we have never discussed much about music with Mr. Wonderful we seem to share at least some preferences (soul, jazz etc.) and the differences we have haven't been an issue.

I have also found several music styles I love because of love. Had I ever learned about Indian, Brazilian, Thai or Nigerian modern music without the persons who matter the most, I can not say, just assume that I hadn't.

But detract? I would love to say that am too stubborn to that, but I have to say that in a way it happened back in past as I want to please the person I love too much and thought that suppressing my own personality to support the one I loved was a good idea. Well, it wasn't and I learned my lesson: music is a big part of who I am and one should be able to enjoy the music one loves.

Writer's Block: Take me as I am

Maybe I am not the best person to answer this as I have encountered such a situation in my life, but on the other hand I am because I can say things based on experience.

Dan, my ex-husband (for those of you who don't know), confessed many things after we got married and one of them was that he had been sentenced for committing a serious crime in his past. It was his luck that he was young and that in here certain types of crimes are not punished as strictly as they should as he got out of it with parole.

I was surprised and shocked because I couldn't understand why he never told me about that as he had had his issues with law and order in his youth and he had told me about that stuff before our marriage.
Shortly put I was angry at him because he didn't trust me more earlier.

When it comes to the crime I never believed, nor believe it now, that he was actually guilty. I have seen the court documents which in my opinion do not prove that he had committed said crime. And I can say that I know enough about him to not believe that he could do that kind of thing.

Basically when it comes to things like that I take them surprisingly easily. What ever my partner has done in their past has been in their past and it can't be changed. People can, however, change and what really matters is who my partner is now.

So, I can say that it did not affect to our relationship in any way, it was other stuff that eventually killed our marriage.

It's starting to sound more an more like a bad soap opera... (Friends Only)

... not that there was such thing as a good soap opera.

As you know my brother is divorcing (from what I know they can actually be divorced by now, the consideration period has, in my opinion, ended some time ago) from his wife. And everything we thought has proven to be true - and then some more.

Since my brother moved out following things have happened:

• SIL had promised to take kids with her when she went to enjoy Midsummer... but my brother received a phone call from SIL when she had packed the kids (all four) into car and SIL announced that she won't take their son with her.
  In other words she disowned her own child. Which, in my not so humble opinion, is a disgrace.
• SIL has been drinking heavily ever since my brother moved out.
• There has been six complaints about mistreating of children to social services regarding SIL: only two of them are by my brother. This implies that even other people are worried...
• SIL is unable to take care of her daughters (their son lives with my brother, who, as far as I know, has whole custody for the boy): we heard that their eldest (who's not even eleven yet) has been taking care of her siblings. She has been the one who has taken care of the hygiene of the youngest ones and the kids have had to steal food to be fed. In addition to this the house is a real mess.
• Some time ago the girls called to my brother in one night because they were afraid: turns out that mommy was drinking, there was also other people in the house, and my brother called police and social services. When the police came they tested SIL with alcometer: she was drunk, her blood alcohol levels were close to 2 &permil - the kids would have been taken into custody if there had been any place to take them to (my brother lives on the other side of the country at current as he had to "escape" the whole mess to protect my nephew (poor kid has asthma and it doesn't like the stress at all) so he couldn't take them). So, cops emptied the house and ordered SIL to sleep herself sober.

  Her mother claims she isn't an alcoholic - well, maybe not in her mother's opinion as she is an alcoholic herself.

• Girls and SIL are now customers of social services, which doesn't bode good for SIL's maternal rights in future - I really hope my brother could get the kids. Based on everything he has been single father of four minors and one adult (SIL) so he could manage with all the kids - as his SO is good with the kids, we know.

In addition to this we have to keep our brother's SO's identity secret from SIL as brother's SO is... our cousin. At least we know the family already!
And honestly, the kids seem to like her and she's quite good handling them, so it's all good.

And yesterday I heard something which really stunned me... SIL is in relationship with my first boyfriend!

Let me tell few things about the issue of my ex (I am not bitter, these are unfortunate facts (I'm just happy M. left me back in... 1996)):

• He's really not the brightest bulb. (You know, really.)
• He's very unyielding, intolerant and he has the hidden side of uncontrolled rage. (During the six months we were together he was physically abusive once, not much, but still. (The story behind it is that when I was 16 I wasn't over my childhood, and in addition to that I have VERY overactive sense of self-protection, so one day he came into a room I thought was empty (I was facing the window, doing something) and he scared me. I kicked him, instinctually, which, of course means that I didn't mean it, I was just so used to be prepared to protect myself back then. And that is when he got mad, even I explained the issue to him, even he know about my past... he didn't leave any marks, so maybe we can't say he was physically abusive, but the situation was very threatening.)
• He's LOUSY lover and in addition to that not that well equipped - they say that size does not matter... it does when man is equipped poorly enough... (Admittedly it's handy when the said guy is the one who takes your virginity: hurts less. *grin*)
  He also thinks that woman should give him oral sex, but he won't give it back because female genitalia is dirty... oh, yeah.
• He is either still living at home (you know, with his mother) or has only recently moved on his own: he's 34.
• Personal hygiene is completely unbeknownst aspect to him. (Ok, he does brush his teeth daily, but that's all... I had to teach him to use deodorant back in stone age.)

And I remember my SIL thinking that he is actually rather pitiful excuse of a man. That is when she was "happily" married to my brother.
In addition to this I know that M. hasn't dated before this since he left me, 12 years ago, so I think he's just plain desperate - as I think is she as I can't see any other reason for her mind to change that fast (as I know she knows all the listed things about him).

Maybe they deserve each other...

Anyway, what else can I say that the happenings of late make life sound like a soap opera. I am just waiting to find out that Mr. Wonderful is actually related to us (not very likely though, he's Brit with afro-caribbean roots, but you never know..).

But, at least you can't say that life has been boring lately...

7 x 4

They say that life goes in cycles of seven years.

I realized that I am in the end of the fourth seven year cycle.
Maybe it is why I have been feeling lost, easily bored, found odd things from myself.

It's quite an interesting thing that seven years ago I moved to the other side of the country to study. I went there to study something I found interesting as much as I ran away from the situation Dan and I were in. It was my first attempt to leave him, or rather I wanted to see how my life would be without him. I wanted to see do I have a reason to come back to him.
I could have survived without him, but I came back for two reasons: I loved him and wanted to try for the second time and... I didn't want to live without physical intimacy. Maybe it makes me a moron.

Nowadays, few days before my third divorce anniversary... part of me doesn't want even think of being with someone, other part of me would love to be head over heels again, settle down and live in wedded bliss with kids... In its way it scares me, this all or nothing attitude I have found from myself. Or rather I have recently accepted it in me, as we know, I am a person with very passionate character and I am only contented with the highest high or the lowest low.

Though I am not sure would I like to change that in me, even it would probably make my life easier, at least it might make it easier to gain those few things I actually would love to have.

I have found myself from thinking men I once had in my life, but only those who I met after Dan, thinking of them with warmth, the good times we shared.
I don't miss them as such, but I miss the little things, the most I miss the feeling of warm skin against mine.
In theory that would be easy thing to achieve... Once just having that would have been enough, but not anymore.
With age I have collected a good deal of deal breakers and must-haves, aging has made me pickier and sometimes I worry have I got too picky, or is it just as they say: when you once have it good there's no going back.

Maybe I am, as I once thought, a love junkie. Maybe I suffer from emotional mania: only thing worth feeling is being high up in the clouds.

Our student advisor, when I was in ninth grade, said that I could be described as a person who has her feet firmly on the ground... and her head firmly up in the clouds. (I also surprised him in all the suitability tests he loved so as I was both artistic and mathematically gifted and my personality is suitable for both team work and working on my own. He decided that he can't suggest me any spesific career, but was sorely disappointed when I didn't apply for "high school", but applied to Crafts and Design School and got through the application exams well enough to be approved - there was some talk later about the basics why people were accepted and I recall hearing the words "great eye for colour".)
I think there should be one addition: my heart loves the sun up there, over the clouds, so it is either all sunshine and butterflies or nothing.

I am afraid that it makes me kind of an ass. It means that I have to be completely honest to myself, but it also means that I may change how things are in a second because even the smallest rain may drop me off of my cloud.

The interesting thing in this is that I find myself from thinking along the same lines as the other half of this shared, and in its way shattered, soul. The one I love dearly, the only person I seem to understand no matter what, but can't have because love isn't always fair. (Maybe that explains why he has been only one to be able to really knock me off of my feet to date.)
It doesn't mean that I am not over him, it just means that I have become to find life very odd thing - and in certain way I find it soothing to know that there is someone like me, spite of everything as I can't be a total ass if someone like mr. W. thinks like I do.

96 days until my 29th birthday, 96 days until the next seven years begin.

1717: "If to love you is to die/ Then let me die a thousand times"

I once read that love is not that feeling when you can't live without someone, but when your life would be good without the person you share your life with, but the person you share your life with brings some pizzaz to your life.
I have come to understand that notion during the last few years.

Admittedly I have never been good in clinging in anyone (I am physically clingy, sometimes emotionally too, but I know when it's time to let go) so the basics have always been there. Probably I am just too lazy to waste my energy to someone who doesn't want to/ can't be with me.

I have given quite much thought for love as an aspect and on how love reflects into my life lately...

The main reasons for that are the truce with Sonnenschein, the SMS I got from Wolfie in New Year's Day and a conversation I had with mr. X (remember the guy I had a crush on about a year ago?) - mainly the two latter ones.
The SMS just told me what I knew and showed to me that I have traveled far since The City of Angels (the funny thing is that we both still love each other about as much as we used to - we are too alike, and probably we are only ones who can actually understand that fact about the two of us).
The chat with mr. X. was confusing in its way, but eventually I think I know what it told me... mr. X. ran away because he was scared of me and what he felt for me, and scared for those feelings I had for him. It's saddening, but it's not something I could change.

Wolf called me a paradox once "because you are as beautiful as you are intelligent" (for clarification: he considers me as a very intelligent person (that alone proves that there's something in wrong with him, right? *grin*)) and mr. X. surprised me by saying that I have both internal and external beauty - it was surprising because last time I "talked" to him we argued quite badly.
And those lead me, for about the thousand time, wonder what in me causes my singledom? As it seems to me that most who have seen who I really am run away, but still consider me as someone wonderful, someone good. Once again I wonder can it really be so scary to actually be kind-hearted and honest... and depraved as heck.

I have also come to wonder if love is anything else than a form of happiness, an illusion created by feeling good. (I am not saying that it would degrade love in any way if it is so, as I find it only naturally egoistic to keep those people close to us who provide us the feeling of happiness.)
If you think of it, you feel like being in love if you have a good time, the weather is nice and everything seems to go your way - even if you weren't in love, at least in conscious level. And even if you were in love you may not feel like it when the mailman bites your dog and neighbour's roses stomp on your kids... or was it vice versa? Anyway... in the days when nothing seems to work you may also lose the loving feeling.
What if it is lost just because you are not happy in that particular day? Known fact is that relationships tend to break during hardships, i.e. during times when you confront so many hardships during certain period that you just don't have room or time for happiness.

If I just could understand it all....

The beginning and the end

It is few seconds past 2008...

As seen last year firsts of firsts' and lasts of lasts'.

Firsts

January: As it is few seconds past 2007...
February: 1. Dye fabric for Loy Krathong, Seasonal Dragons RR and for the Hand-dyed Fabric Exchange.
March: Yes, it's official now!
April: Testing my tolerance for mushrooms with a hearty midnight snack.
May: 1. ... you get extreme high from just launching designs?
June: Appetizer: Name something you think is “the best.”
July: Three out of four (I'll reveal the secret of fourth design soon...):
August: Kristine Herber from Dragonfly Stitches is apparently having a hardanger bookmark Stitch-A-Long in her Yahoo group and guess who has expressed her willingess to join?
September: I say ... and you think ... ?
October: Sometimes you get the best of ideas when you are in fever delirium... like this one:
November: It's November already...! O_o
December:Ladies, gentlemen, goats and lifeforms from another planets, let me to introduce you a herd of homing dragons!

Lasts

January: Do I need to explain why my goaling failed this badly? *grin*
February: 7 hours, 46 minutes.
March: (It has been odd piece in a sense. I never have had a need to modify the chart while stitching (other than fix drawing errors - I do those),but I spent last night stitching it and redrawing parts of it.)
April: And all the sudden I notice that I remind myself of someone by quoting this... but I do it just because it fits.
May: It seems to me that good things are beginning to happen in certain areas of my life, and, some parts of me don't think it's a coincidence as good things began to happen after I made the decision (maybe I should begin to refer to it as The Decision...) to take a break and concentrate on important things.
June: I think it's there... now, off to make my morning coffee! (I have been up for hours, but I got this stupid idea to finish designing T3h B1g S3kr1t Pr0j3ct...it's almost done, I just need to decide between two little details and two layouts - and, of course, the floss (I'm quite sure that it will be stitched on 36 count Edinburgh flax linen).)
July: (And of course I forgot to call and book new call for another day...)
August: (Cross post from Tales from Periphaeria... I am sick so I hope you bear with me.)
September: I had some manic tootbrush fun while cleaning (i.e. all the tiny places have not just been wiped and rinsed, they have been toothbrushed),which means that I am not only getting better, but that my ADD symptoms are decreasing (- or getting worse, who knows).
October: That is why I posted about the Fang as I knew some people may miss it otherwise - I have been waiting for this design since she launched her new site so I was well prepared.
November: 0.
December: I keep it short and sweet, just to give me less space to stitch what I really want to.

It has been hell of a year: the birth of Periphaeria Designs, health issues with Neko and Ronja and my own health failing worse than ever... it has been very difficult year and I could have survived without certain parts of it, but everything happens for a reason: I am just not ready yet to understand why.

I have also learnt what real friends are and managed to let go those who just don't fill the requirements. I have learnt to stand on my own more, and I have had to learn to be less harsh for myself.
I want to specially thank Jenna (and Terry) for helping me to make Periphaeria Designs to come true faster than I anticipated, and I like to specially thank Jenna, Leena and Linda for their continuous support at the right times as I have had my share of self doubt during these months, even I haven't admitted it.
And thank you all who have been supportive on my quest, even the smallest words of support have meant and mean the world to me.

I would also like to thank the man who once was my sunshine because of the long chat we had only couple of days before the year changed.
Yes, those dreams about Sol saying that he is sorry were messages from him... saying that he is sorry for hurting me.
Sol, if you read this: thank you for everything you said. I really appreciate it.

I realised today that for a first time in ages I have the feeling of having a future, that life is not just concentrating on this moment because I can't think of the future.
I have goals, I am in process of acquiring tools to achieve my goals (I have 2nd interview for the $COMPANY in Thursday and an interview in another place in... Thursday. *grin* And the goal is clear, to add yer another continent to my Visited continents count - and acquire at least an experience, if nothing else.)

Happy New Year to you all!

May this year be prosperous in every possible way - and may stash fairies grow your stash!

The relativity of time

I was reading my old entries and realised something:

1. Exactly three years ago I was with A. (it was Friday, so I probably was at his place).
2. Exactly two years ago I was still with Sol.
3. Exactly 1½ years ago I was madly and happily in love with Wolfinho.
4. Exactly one year ago I spent time with N. (Sunday and I know that I was at his place.)

Those two years feel like forever. And in some twisted way I miss them all, some more than others, some with more devotion than others...

• I miss A. for those little things he did, even though he was too weak to stand against his family for the love he had for me.
• In some weird way I miss Sonnenschein, even he was too weak to be happy.
• I miss Wolfie for those months of pure happiness, for the feeling of being understood.
• I miss N. for all the good times we had, for all the nights we slept entwined.

I am just curious to know what next 365 days will bring.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

The-person-formerly-known-as-my-brother has done it again... this time his opinion seems to be that me and my sister are two lazy ass bitches who don't give a damn of their health. Individuals who rather "spend their time 'tasting' wines than taking care of their health"... (Editor's note: last time I drank any wine was when N. was still around... over a year ago. My alcohol consumption during ast 12 months has been about 6 dosages, tops.)
With that opinion he proved not to know anything about either of us. (He also denies his own bad habits, as he does use more alcohol than either of us, and he does smoke too - which either of us don't do...)

Apparently he thinks that, for example I love to be chronically ill, that I want to be pitied because of it... neither of these assumptions are correct - and he can't be thick enough to actually believe that either.
No person in their right mind wants that, so if he really means what he says he thinks we are both loonies... I admit, I have seen few shrinks, but I have one, and only one, diagnose which doesn't say that I am crazy. I just had an anxiety disorder, which he should understand, he lived through the same things I did as we lived in the same household, we both went through the same Hell when we were kids - we all did. He should understand that even if I am a bit twisted I really have a reason to be so - or maybe that is what he can't stand: we are both as damaged, I just can live with it.
And when it comes to our sister... she can prove that she's completely sane - that is so not normal (being sane). *grin*

Not to mention his obvious need to try to prove that I am wrong with everything I say and supress every opinion I have - he should know by know that I am very stubborn life form and stand behind my opinions as have always been like that. Like I was still five years old... maybe someone should tell him that little /me grew up ages ago.

What bothers me in this is that he became a real ass since I separated. He had few issues with certain opinions of mine (veganism, religious preferences etc.) before that, but he usually kept his mouth shut. Something made him lose it, and no matter how obvious the answer seems to be I don't want to believe it.
How could someone be bitter to his little sister because his sister had the guts to leave her spouse when he didn't have the guts to leave the marriage which, according to him, was doomed. How could an adult dislike his little sister just because she chose other paths in her life?
It wouldn't bother me if everything hadn't changed after that summer, but everything did change.

Why? I still don't understand. I just know that I can't respect someone who doesn't respect me, someone who seems only to think the worst of me.

Maybe everything that happened in our family around 2003-2004 affected to him, maybe he couldn't understand anything anymore and his only way to survive has been becoming hostile towards those people who are, or were, closest to him.
I admit, it was a crazy period, but, in my opinion, it changed almost everything to better... except my brother.
Maybe I am just sad because I have lost a person I could look up to, because I lost an example how a good man behaves, because I can't respect him any more as he doesn't respect me...

(What also makes me wonder is that when it comes dark outside, he shows how much of an a$$ he can be... SAD anyone?)

One Finnish poet has written along the lines there's nothing which makes you such a beast than lack of touch. I have always agreed with him, I still do.
I can live without love as long as there's no one intriguing enough, I can live without sex as long as I am not in love, but, no matter how hard I try I can't learn out of craving human touch.

And good FWBs are hard to come by... to be honest I would be happy with just a cuddling buddy, someone to sleep with, someone to watch movies with and lay my head on his lap... as that is what I miss more than anything else.
This makes me wonder how hard the last winter had been if I hadn't had N. around, if I could not have felt like home even couple of times per month, without being hold when I slept. Without having the chance to forget everything every once in a while...

I could use that chance again as, no matter how good thing this asthma may be for me in the end, I want to forget my failing health for a while, and I want to forget the loneliness of the skin. (It's odd how you can be alone and not be lonely, but your skin can't stand being alone...)
I just want few stolen moments to keep me sane.

As you may have noticed, my blog changed its colours. It has been a while since it was this black last time, but fact is that I'm not mood for a soothing colour scheme at the moment. (Maybe it also reflects the colour scheme of those complimentary designs I have been playing with past couple of days as there's lot of black, orange, purple and reds.)

Anyway...

My past seems to have a haunting phase.
In addition to everything else I heard from SIL that certain mr. Tree (that has nothing to do with his surname actually) had asked about me... Let's see, it has been over ten years since we had anything at all (oh, good old days with one nighters) and we never were we because he was (surprise, surprise) lost with himself.

So, what's next?

I don't know why, but I have had a flashback phase lately. In theory I have nothing to complain about, they are flashbacks of happy moments, but I'm not sure do I want to have them because those moments are from past relationships... things I had already forgot (yet things that made me happy, and which in a way make me happy even now).
Interesting thing is that none of the flashs is older than three years. It's soon three years from the day when Dan, finally, moved out and a bit less from the day when I got hooked up with Abhi.

I have also had some odd dreams, which, thinking of it now, probably share the origin with flashs.
Firstly the basic pattern of the dreams, then an explanation... I go back to school, the teacher is some of my past teachers (so I assume that the idea is behind the teacher, not the person). The thing is that in every dream of this brand I have been out of school since last August/ September and the teacher always nag why I haven't been at school and how you are not allowed to do so without an extremely good reason. My answer is always the same: you didn't seem to miss me though, you might have wanted to contact me or someone close to me...

My conclusion is that either the school of hard hits wants me back or I want back in it. I have been out of the relationship game since last summer, firstly because losing Wolfie hurted - badly (he's still a sore spot), and secondly, because I met N. who kind of freed me from looking for a relationship as he provided most things you ger from a romantic relationship - excluding the romance part...
Anyway, the school of life, timeline of my disappearance, flashbacks... someone wants to go back to school, someone wants to find someone wonderful, right? (Admittedly my family nerve has been tickling lately, so if I just blame my loudly ticking biological clock and forget the facts?)

But I also acknowledge the facts: at this moment I couldn't concentrate on a relationship (who am I fooling? I could, I would just prioritize) because all the energy I have goes on breathing... literally.

Power of thought

Sometimes people who make you think cross your path.
Which has happened just lately, and his latest blog entry made me think about something. The power of your mind and how your way of thinking affects to your life. Negative vs. Positive.

As I may have mentioned I suffered from chronic, rather severe depression in my previous life. Most people would have explained it with all the bad things which have happened in my life and think that that depression was completely normal consequence.
Allow me to disagree a bit. I admit that when my depression begun it had a reason, small child has no tools to understand adult world and my depression was normal reaction for stress. (I was extremely good at hiding it, which may also prove my mental strength.) And admittedly I had several major stress factors in my life when it started and while it lasted.

I remember those times, and I remember the weight of my past. I remember how much it weighed on my whole being, on my heart, soul and mind. I also remember how no depression drug seemed to work on me...
Then I take my current self and look at her past. She has bucket loads of maneur in there, pain, darkness... but this person has no need for depression medication. She is able to look at the darkest parts of her past with no pain or distress.

I am she. She is I. And I know what made the difference.

Some years ago I realised that my past is just what it is, past, and I can't change it. I realised that it has caused me pain, but I am the one who allows it to ruin my life. I asked myself what are my options and I had only two: either to die or to teach myself to accept things as they are, let my dear pain go and learn to love myself. Let my past be what it is: past. Which meant learning to think positive sides of everything, living for today and for the future, not for the past.
As you may deduce I chose to live (I don't believe in suicide and I have never been suicidal (which actually baffled few shrinks)) and learn to accept. I chose future. And on the way I have learnt that nothing is as bad as it looks like and tomorrow is usually better day even if today it sleets.

My way has taught me my value, it made me make some difficult decisions (divorce), it has meant leaving most people from my past behind because they couldn't accept that I grew and they could not accept what I became because I became different than they are or different from what they wanted me to be.

You may understand by now why I sometimes refer to my previous life. It was my previous life in sense of being alive. This life is one worth living.

Marsipanry... erm... Artisanry

My latest entry in Tales from Periphaeria made me think about the question of why I am so fond of designing monochromatic designs. Or rather: why it is so natural form for me?

As you know, I am an artisan of Textile Designing and Manufacturing, which in my case means: a texture designer and a weaver in one package (not to forget batik artist, fabric printer, dyer...). And I think that explains it...
I design textures, I design weaves and not actual embroidery designs. I design those things I was not able to actualize in woven form because they would not have been practical or would have required too advanced technology (we were well equipped, but as it was a school there was this thing called budget..).
I loved to create textures instead of playing with colours or making anything realistic. I loved to see how different same weave was woven with different colours, how the thickness of fibre affected to the texture... all that.

I was never very fond of 'free-form' woven items, for me it had to be strictly symmetric, uniform. And I loved professional technology (ie. theory of how to build a fabric/ design a good fabric/ how fabric builds up... you'd be surprised) classes... mathematics combined with creating textures... I know, I am an oddball. I was considered as one because I loved those classes most people hated - but I was good at it. It was mostly very easy for me and when it wasn't I loved the challenge. (As out teacher said: only mathematically gifted are good in this subject.)

Anyway, my point is that I have always had monochromatic mind. Even back in my teens when I desired to be a designer of knitted items I designed based on monochromatic motifs.
Which just proves that I am basically rather simple person, most people just don't get it.

Dangers of tram rides

I don't know was it all about sleep deprivation, but I found it a bit spooky to sit in a tram in between of two men: a man whose aftershave (rarely used brand (around here at least) - smells heavenly) reminded me of A. and a man whose neck and partial profile looked exactly like my late grandfather's... build, hair cut, that shade of grey in his hair, cheekbones, eyebrows, eye shape... It was rather spooky (as my grandfather didn't have very common face).

And the things you still remember after 12 years of one's death. Things which make you miss said person. Things which remind you that you haven't had any dreams of him recently - which refers to rather stress free life. (He usually comes to my dreams when I need someone to watch over me, when I need someone to believe in me. (Honestly, I have become to conclusion that he's my guardian spirit. (I reason this insane thought with several little things.)))

Biscornu high, life low

Let me tell you... the biscornu I'm stitching for TRN's Biscornu Exchange is going to be a real babe.
Stitched with luscious burgundy DMC on wonderful hand-dyed Belfast linen from Silkweaver, design being one of my latest brain blurbs (exchanges are wonderful way to combine models and having fun)... all this equals The Biscornu.

Anyway

I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep after this rather sh*tty day, and I remembered something I said in autumn: "coming winter will be hard one".
It is, it has been, and it'll be. And I see things happening, things which happened last year at the same time... that makes me hopeless at present, it gives me hope for better in spring, that makes me be afraid of the summer. (And still, if I could be loved like that... I might do it just for the sake of it.)
I also realised how good it was for me to have N. around, and I miss having someone like him in my life. I miss being hold when I fall asleep, being adored, having someone around, even if it was only few days per month, even if it wasn't a relationship.

But FWBs are like relationships, good ones are difficult to come by. And even I can see the good sides in being single I have moments when I hate and despise it more than anything... moments when I really doubt that I'm asking Moon from the sky.