It's like learning to walk again

When you have learned to watch your every step, move, gesture and keep your eyes away from the person you love (because he is a controlling jerk and you haven't realised it yet) it's actually really difficult to unlearn it even if previously mentioned things are well in the past and processed. And it's like being in alternate reality to have someone you care for close willingly to you after being with a controlling jerk who considered all physical contact as something distasteful, even brutal.

I am in the brink of a cultural shock.

I have to confess that since the divorce went trough I have taken quite relaxed attitude towards keeping contact, i.e. sending pictures, with Mr. Biofather.
Actually I think I haven't sent any pictures since Tiny turned two.

I see no reason to do that because he seems rather disinterested. Or should I be honest and say he doesn't give a damn?

And you get what you give.

Little Grey Cells Are Moving Too

It's funny how your mind processes things. Little by little, and then continues chewing the same thing later until it's small enough to digest without problems.

While packing I have had few moments of "What the heck was I thinking?!" regarding past with mr. W., but it has also proved that I have come far in last two years.
Now I just find things tragicomic rather than sad or depressing. Even the fact that mr. W. was and is full of c*ap.

But still, out of all that was bad came out the best thing in my life: Tiny.

Maybe it's karmic in its way that out of huge pile of smelly stuff comes out so much joy.
And truth to be told I am convinced that mr. W. gets his share of Big Bad Karma sooner or later. If he hasn't already been hit with it. (If I have understood correctly it may be the case, may have been even before I kicked him out. (See, he was big fan of telling things to me... not. I just tend to read between the lines.))

It has been 25 months and in 18 days we leave this halfway home (I have considered this flat a halfway home for a long time, we needed to move here to give me distance and time to figure out who I am and what I want). It's scary, but changes always are.
If things go as planned 2015 will be so very different. In a good way.

Truth to be told

... one of the reasons mentioned in my earlier entry has to do mr. X. and his belongings.

When I told him to leave I also told him to take ALL his belongings with him when he goes.
When we came home with Tiny there was still huge amount of his stuff with a note, after badmouthing me, that he'd arrange pick-up for his things by early 2013. (What I have wondered is that why he couldn't leave his things with a friend who lives in Finland as he let me understand on several occasions that he has a ton of friends in here... )
When we moved his stuff followed and I sent an allusive email. And as you guess didn't get a reply.

And then, in 2014, before the divorce went through I asked my lawyer what to do with them she replied that if I send him a final notice with a date and he fails to comply it's up to me what to do with them... Well, I sent mr. X an email and gave him approximately three weeks to arrange the pick-up.

Less surprisingly he did not reply, but during those three weeks I waited I was under quite a lot of stress because I did not want to deal with him and all his negativity.
I had made it easier for myself by timing it so that Tiny and I were here at my mom's during that three week period and had mr. X. picked up his stuff he had met my mother, no one else.

You see, court did not decide on meetings as my lawyer did not add them in the demands when she wrote the divorce application. There was a fine reason: he can't take me to court for breach of contract if he doesn't get to meet Tiny. There is no contract so if we can not agree about meetings, there won't be any.
Not that he has ever inclined that he would want to meet his son... and if he did I would demand supervised meetings (based on kidnapping risk, lack of shared language and lack of any kind of relationship between Tiny and mr. X.) and that is completely another animal as there is bureaucracy and translator expenses, for him, before those can be started.

Anyway, my point in that is that I was afraid that he demands to meet Tiny. And as I wouldn't have agreed (as we are not at home - and because what I told in previous chapter) there would have been all kinds of lovely words.... and I am sick and tired to that kind of stuff, from anyone.

So... now I have three suitcases, one bag and two big trash bags of stuff to get rid of...
I'll give his printer to a friend whose family lives on tight budget and most of the rest will be sold to anyone who is willing to pay anything.

And continue waiting for that email when he claims that I am whatever-I-happen-to-be-at-that-moment-of-anger. And hope that he keeps his mouth shut as I did tell him that I have checked proper action regarding his things with my lawyer....

I have been absent again as I sought solitude, I needed to calm down.

I don't know where it started exactly, but I guess part of it was the relief of getting things settled regarding Tiny's custody and the divorce - and frustration for the bureaucracy after I tried to apply for child support from the government (as mr. X haven't and won't pay it). And other things.
I was in the verge of imploding for weeks, but after almost a month at the country I start to feel like myself again. And it also makes me more confident about my decision to move here, as soon as we get a place to call home.
It's quiet here, soothing. The sky is wide, highest building in the vicinity has only six stories.
It's beautiful and cozy in here, regardless of being "in the middle of nowhere" (there's ok public transport and health services seem to be good too, at least for children*).

I haven't even had the energy to think of stitching, let alone actually make stitches.
Admittedly I have had energy to have irresponsible S.E.X. to celebrate and to get my mojo back. And it has helped. Shopping. Now I at least think of stitching.

I have found Casa Cenina again after I realized that they ship with DHL when your order is over 35 euros. In layman's terms: they deliver it to your hand and usually within 24 hours after it has been shipped.
/me likey and this probably keeps me away from Sewandso from now on. (Which basically means I will be much better, right? Having one less ONS to spend my money at? )

But even I think of stitching it seems that my free time will be spent listing stuff on local auction site and it should all be listed (and preferably sold) before the material for the admission exam is published, around the end of September.
That is also the deadline for packing all the things we can live without for two months (I write like we had a place to live here already )... I think I am going to be busy for a while.

*Tiny got a 2nd degree burn on the back of his hand ~week ago and we have visited local health center twice because of it. Third time is on Monday.

Tiny thoughts in the middle of the night

It makes one wonder, when watching that beautiful little boy sleep, does his biofather (not a father, just biological father, if you ask from me) even understand what he lost by disowning Tiny?
Does he ever even think of that little boy he swore he won't meet before he comes of age?

Having been set free has made me think and remember a lot of things that happened when I left Mr. Ex II, the whys of doing that. I had almost forgot he disowned that precious little boy, even before I told him it's over.
And my simple mind simply can not understand and for someone who strives to understand that is a huge problem.

But then, I am the one who knows what a loving, funny and smart little boy Tiny is. And I know that sometimes Tiny smiles because I am his mother.
That's all one needs to know. Nothing more.

Progress

I got an email from my lawyer on Thursday saying that Spanish officials had informed court that they haven't been able to find mr. Ex.
This means court will make an announcement in our "Official Paper" for Ex to give his statement regarding the divorce, custody and child support within 14 days, after which it will be ruled regardless of his lack of action.

You know, they may give me an early birthday gift. I am not sure did the announcement make it on time to be published in April's first issue, but even if it didn't (then it's published in first May issue) I may be free woman with full custody in June.

I was thinking that I may be mean and not inform Ex about the divorce or child support or custody when it goes through... *grin* He'll find it out some day. And it may come as a negative surprise as Finnish SII can and will work to get their money from him as long as he stays in EU.

The Plan

At the moment I am in a limbo regarding my, our life. The divorce (incl. custody etc.) is still in progress, thanks to slowness of our Ministry of Foreign Affairs: it took nine months from them to find out ("find out") that Spanish legislation prevents getting any real information about Ex's whereabouts without court order - but regardless they have an address. Ages old address, but it's none of my business.
It probably is my problem as the letter local court sent in the end of January may be hanging in there quite a while, even though I assume the court assumes that if there is no reply within few months he is not interested/ didn't get the letter (-> is not interested).
So, with luck I'd get out of limbo this summer.

The problem lays in us, Ex and me, having shared custody in the eyes of the law, thanks to having a child in wedlock. And basically he has his word to say regarding Tiny's whereabouts.

And I am planning to move cities this year. And in theory he could oppose it if things don't go as wanted or if we are still waiting for the verdict.

But, our constitution provides every person freedom to decide where they live, and constitution has priority over family laws.
And then there's the fact that Ex has never met Tiny nor has shown any actual interest to do so (not to mention he has never even wished him happy birthday or asked how Tiny's doing). So, my, our, city of residence bears no significance to him.

But still he can make things difficult to us just out of spite if he wishes to do so.

Anyway... in August I will apply to University of Applied Sciences, a new job and an apartment in the same city where my mom lives. Uni would be 15 kilometers from us, but granny, Tiny's most favourite person on this Earth, would be only 3 kilometers from us (or closer, if I decide to apply for an apartment from that side of the river). Which would ease our lives greatly.
One of my great worries has been that time when Tiny goes to school and I start full-time work again. He will be seven years old, has short-ish school days and in worst case scenario he has to spend a lot of time alone. And I don't want that.
This is where having granny close by makes all the difference: she can pick him up from school and look after him before I get home.

Cost of living is also a factor. I have done some research and we would pay considerably smaller rent - and real estate is far cheaper in there than it is here in Metropolitan area.
In here I could never even dream to own my home, even less to own a house whereas in there I could actually buy a house and pay it in reasonably short period of time (in comparison to house loans in here). Which is more or less necessary as my pension won't be too good and having low cost of living would help.

I sound so middle aged. *grin*

Remember this?

Well, it seems that if nothing else we'll have something in common: adult play dates at my place. *grin*

We have been talking at Facebook occasionally as we have both been incredibly busy, but last two nights our conversations have been such that physical relationship between us can't be avoided. And well, why should it?

I have started to feel amazingly amazing thanks to our conversations - and that's a lot after all that complaining and bitching Mr. Formerly Wonderful did. Not to mention how incredibly unsexy and insane he made me feel...

And all the sudden I am called sexy, hot, intelligent, good mother and so on. By someone who has met me. By someone who has followed me on FB for couple of months.

It doesn't sound like a big deal, I know, but after everything Mr. Ex-W. said, did, left unsaid and undone it is a lot.
All the sudden I am not that lazy ass, fat, lying, messy and unreasonable bitch, but someone who has brains and soul, and a body to desire. Body with all that excess fat and drooping breasts, with stretch marks and dry skin. Body that is beautiful regardless.

And I am taking the leap of faith again, because I need that now. Even if nothing comes out of it, but reminding me how wonderful I am.

And my body needs to be touched again, after such a long time.

Yes, I am unconditional

Some time ago I was thinking could I ever, in that highly unlikely eventuality that pigs would fly, take Mr. To-Be-Ex back and realized that no I couldn't, never ever.
I can forgive a lot, but there is one thing I could never forgive: father willingly abandoning his own child.

I can never understand that, nor I can never respect that person again.

It ain't pretty, but ain't it the truth?

When I was contemplating on leaving Tiny's father I had a thought about changing Tiny's surname to protect him from his father (after getting full custody). Then I started to think that in the end it's not my decision, but if Tiny wants to change his own name when he is older I will let him do it...

But lately I have been re-thinking about it and I have come to conclusion that usually children don't carry sperm donor's surname... as that is all Tiny's father has been to him based on how things have been and how they seem to be.
If his father has no interest towards his son he is, in my opinion, nothing else but a sperm donor I am married to. If his father considers his own ego more important than his son's well being and happiness he is nothing but a sperm donor. And hence my son should, when I get full custody, have my surname.

Admittedly it would also be easier for us if we had same surname (as I am taking my maiden name back) and as my maiden name sounds European (vs. his Nigerian surname) it would help improve Tiny's possibilities in this country. Even though his first name and my maiden name make him sound Italian, but in here it isn't as bad as having an African surname - as let's face it: there are rotten eggs everywhere.

It would also make it easier when he goes to kindergarten and from there to school. There would hopefully be fewer preconceptions about things - even though fact is that there will be such as Tiny won't grow up looking like your average Finnish child, but then nothing about him is average (at least if you ask from me ).

I know Tiny's father will have some nasty opinions about me, but I can live with that. If he had one non-egoistic bone in him that would not happen, but you will sleep in the bed you make...

Today Tiny and I went to see a social worker to make custody arrangements. Or rather we pieced together a custody agreement suggestion (full custody, supervised meetings and so forth). It will be sent to Spain, to local embassy, and if Ministry of Foreign Affairs and the local embassy actually manage to find him they will do their best to get him to sign it.
If he doesn't accept it and sign it we go to court. If they can't find him we go to court. So basically the odds are that we go to court.

Luckily I can get free lawyer and free trial because I am on low income. Whereas Tiny's father can't... so, if he is smart, taking that he is found, he signs the paper. Otherwise it's court and I don't think he could afford a lawyer and even if he did... he could only try to make minor changes to meetings and so forth. And knowing local system his skin colour and nationality are against him, as is the fact that he has never seen Tiny. Or kept contact. Or supported Tiny financially. And that I have a proof where he states that he is not going to meet his son before he is an adult.

They'd eat him for breakfast.

Anyway, let's see does this take few months or few years.

Can of worms

I have had certain thought for a while..

This move has been a good move (har har) as it has given me space to think and process things and face some ugly possibilities.

To be honest I am not at all certain did Tiny's father, ex-to-be, want Tiny after all, despite what he said when we met and discussed about the matter.
He probably was lulled into the thought that I really was barren, even I had told him I didn't believe it would impossible for me to get pregnant. And he was wrong, he hated to be wrong...

First of all: when I found out I was pregnant I was in a different city so I called him. And let's say he wasn't exactly thrilled. Or happy. Or positively surprised.
And you would imagine that if your wife tells you appr. two years after you skip birth control because kids would be nice that she is pregnant you would be thrilled. At least I would.
But then again I am a bit odd.

He wanted to skip first sonogram because "it is so early in the morning!". It was as early for me. And I was the one who was exhausted 24/7 and had all-the-day-sickness.
And again, you would imagine that a man who has waited for the good news for TWO years would be joining his wife happily, regardless how early he have to wake up.
Regardless, I dragged him there. And he moped the whole time.

And the second sonogram... we got the appointment with the invitation to the first one AND I reminded him appr. 1½ weeks before it was and still he "forgot" and rather went to see his buddy - no way he would have cancelled it, it was "too important". Yeah...

He never asked during the pregnancy how the baby is doing, or commented when I told him the antenatal visit news. Nor he reacted in any way when I told him that Tiny's kicking already (he started 12+5 and you can tell: he has STRONG legs) or when I told him that I had seen the first kick.

He never asked do we need something for the baby. Only when I was full-term he started bitching have I bought everything!
So, everything Tiny had when he was born was bought by me or my parents.

He has, mind you, bought few items of clothing last summer, but naturally he didn't listen to me when I told him that Tiny is a big boy and it would be better to buy 80 cm and up as he was already using 74 cm (1 year) clothes. So, he got 74 cm clothes, which meant, of course, that Tiny has used one shirt and one sweater jacket. Once.

Since I left him he hasn't asked once how Tiny's doing. And as I see it he would be interested of his child IF he had really wanted to have him

He has never assisted me financially or even asked do I need money. And naturally after I left him there hasn't been any sign of child support. Even, once again, one would imagine otherwise if the child was wanted. That he would want to do the right thing for his own son's benefit.
Fun thing in this is that as child support will eventually be paid by SII he will be in debt to SII, something he hates. As he apparently does not realize that thanks to EU SII can and will go after their money and it will haunt him as long as he resides in EU area.

And oh... Tiny was never our son, he was your son and in one occasion, I think, my son.

Randomness

I love our (ante- and) postnatal nurse. Her opinion was that it's the best for the child that I have decided to balance our lives by leaving Tiny's father as it obviously was what was needed.
She also considers staying at home that legally allowed three years (i.e. I can still return to my old job, they can't sack me without an extremely good reason) as a good thing and not being irrational despite the fact that it will be tight financially.

And I want a cat. Now that Mr. Pets-Belong-To-Outdoors-And-Not-With-Humans-And-Cats-Are-Dangerous-To-Babies has left the building I can't help, but wanting a new cat... Masa is still alive and well, but he has his own herd now so I wouldn't even consider taking him back.
Fun thing is that due Mr. PBTOANWHACAD not being around since last October Tiny and I were at my mom's after Tiny was born (c-section and so on). And she had four cats (now there is three). But that is why Tiny is so healthy. I am surprised that my child has no allergies (that I know of) and he is rarely sick (he has had two minor colds), but it has to be all about those cats.
And young sir loves those cats to pieces. Admittedly cats don't always enjoy his love and excitement, but still... they are good pals.

At the moment I am waiting until Tiny gets older, but who knows...

Dreams...

are not called "dreams" for nothing.

Last night I had a dream where Tiny's dad actually wanted to meet his son and where he admitted that he misses me AND was willing to behave like every man should do: try to make amends, open up, talk and fix what is broken.

I woke up sad, because it was just a dream and because I know he is so stubborn that no matter what he won't admit that he misses me even if he does. Or that he misses his son.

It's really interesting how many oddities I have noticed in our relationship now...

He used to be very good with anniversary dates, this year he forgot our wedding anniversary, my birthday and our anniversary.

He used the marriage as an excuse, for example not to spend quality time on the sofa cuddling. "We are married!" Yeah, that has something to do with not touching each other?

I denied my sensuality and sexuality. Me. Depraved little thing started to live vanilla life 1-2 times a month. Who would have believed?

I can't remember him ever laughing at my jokes. Or actually even getting them for that matter.

I was a questionable cook because I like(d) to use other people's recipes! Oh yes. Cookbooks were the spawn of devil, or something.

Actually any my book was. "Too many of them!" Up yours.

Idiot.

It's nice and quiet here at home, with Boy sleeping and me sitting on the sofa... just the two of us

I have thought about everything lately and remembered all kinds of things that just make me more confident about my choice...

I am restless sleeper, which in his head meant that I watched his every move... yes, you read it right. Which basically means that he probably thinks that I need no sleep whatsoever.

I also heard that I watched everything he ate (yeah, right, like I, for example, was the one who always nagged about margarine usage - guess again - and hello, I bought that stuff. It costs 1 € per 400g...). Where should I have put my eyes? Close them?

For some reason my apartment gathers dust quickly, and as everyone knows dust is human skin and such... no, you are wrong! It was all me! Yes...

Goodness.

When I was pregnant I lost a ton of hair. Long hair. And he was like I willingly dropped it everywhere and didn't clean them out just out of spite. It was just an excuse to tell him that I am pregnant and that can happen, I can't help it.
Mister, there is your hair still in the apartment and yours is short. And I just sweep it without complaining. Because it happens to everyone, hair does fall off even when out of bathroom and without notice. Yes, hair has no manners. Shame on it.

I had to drag him to our first sonogram. I went alone to the next one as he had "forgot" when it was (we just got the appt. time 2½ months previous and I reminded him about it 1½ weeks before it was). And the one after that, and the one after that.

Day after my c- section he called and wondered why I hadn't picked up his calls.
I was sick because of morphine for the first day - threw up on midwives when trying to get up. And maybe I had a newborn baby there beside me... and I was in a room of four, not in private room as I was there without support person, so I kind of had to thought about the other new, operated, mothers and keep the phone silent... And for Pete's sake, I sent him a message as first thing I did when I got out of recovery room, three hours after surgery. I could barely hold the phone...
Good enough for you?
And I recall that someone didn't call when I was few days on the ward because I had pre-eclampsia.

My hypothyroidism and relapses were just excuses. "You can't be feeling X!"
Oh yes, I look and act like a zombie because I think it's REALLY hot. And hey, it's just terminal illness when untreated, nothing as serious as your blood pressure... no, no.
And it had been WAY too difficult to Google what it is all about...

He claims he hasn't disowned his son, still his words tell different language. If not disown then he willingly abandons his son. By the sound of it. Or maybe I have suddenly lost my ability to completely understand English.
Oh, of course! It's because I am a liar... how I forgot that? It's one of my lies, you see, that, he has ever said anything like it.

I can emphatise his situation, but obviously he can't do the same when it comes to me. I am a bad, bad person and by the sound of it go to Hell because of this. At least it is warm in there. (Thank G-d that deity I believe in isn't such an asshole.)

He also said that he had been prepared to this (did I say that he just wanted me to do the dirty job?! Did I?!)... and still he accuses me of all the usual stuff bitter people usually do at this point.
I always thought that he would be more mature than that. That he wouldn't let his son suffer because he is angry to me, but it seems to me that he will let his innocent son suffer because I am so evil.
One would imagine that any person in their right mind would understand that if he doesn't stay in contact with Boy he won't have a son who is too fond of his father when Boy comes of age.

I admit, I am not flawless and I did leave him in a very tacky way, but I always thought he would be man enough to behave regardless of the situation (for Pete's sake, even Dan was able to behave even I left him the same way). Apparently I was wrong... really wrong.

Funny thing? Because of the situation I seem to be able to stay at home until Boy is three, without working part-time, as Boy and I, we get 200 euros more every month now. And housing allowance. We seem to have almost 1000€ between us every month. After rent. (After I apply for housing allowance.)

One door closes...

This is one of my "None one knows except you guys" entries. The exception being my mom. So... keep your mouths shut elsewhere. It's not official yet. (Editorial note: since the divorce has gone through I made some of separation related entries public.

I have always said that I am marrying type, but I am beginning to think that I am not that type that stays married - despite her idealised wishes.

You probably see where this is going.

My camel broke its back and I have asked Husband to pack his bags. Something I though I'd never do, something I wasn't actively considering before his latest tirade, but never say never should obviously be my motto.

In certain sense this is not a surprising move, as, even no one knows, I did ponder about leaving just before I got pregnant with Boy as I was feeling that my needs weren't listened to and I was increasingly unhappy with my life. Then I found out I was expecting and all the happy pregnancy hormones started to do their magic.

I was alone since about 21st week of pregnancy, first for a reason, then for a reason unbeknownst to me. Even I asked he didn't tell it.
When Boy was about 2 months old I had a dream where he left for some insanely childish reason. I am known to have premonitions about my relationships, they foresee the fail. Still, I decided it was only a dream and that's it (and I couldn't have told Mr. W. (let him carry that name from now on) about it as he had said I was calling bad spirits and I shouldn't talk about things like that).

Then I tell you that I haven't seen him since mid-pregnancy. He hasn't met his son, Boy hasn't met his father. They were deemed to meet, but this evil woman prevented it.
Because of Mr. W.'s latest tirade.

He has this annoying habit of controlling me. It was sweet and all when we met and so on, but it had a nasty side effect: threats of leaving me right there and then when I missed his call(s). Sometimes I was accused of cheating, as he knew that part of my history.
And since Boy was born I have missed many calls because I have been with Boy (playing/ feeding/ changing/ all those things you do with babies) and my cell phone hasn't. Or we have been out and I haven't heard. Or we have been sleeping and my phone has been on silent - to let Boy to sleep. And even I explained and have told him that he was not my first priority anymore as there is a small baby who needs me more than he does. Still I was told that I have changed.

No shit Sherlock! I became a mother in March in case you missed that.

And for a long, long time I have felt there is no room for me when he was here. That I had to be somewhere playing as small and quiet as possible. And if I happened to glance his laptop's screen it was something dreadful.
I felt that it wasn't my home even it was and is. But if I tried to talk with him about it or anything else considering us or my wishes or feelings it ended up me feeling even worse and we never talked.

Not feeling comfortable at my own home also meant no stitching as I need a comfortable place for it.

There are thousand things... like always noticing and being nasty about it if I had gained a little weight, but never encouraging when I lost weight. Or telling that I was just basically lazy and hypocondriac when I tried to explain that my lack of doing stuff was all about my thyroid.

Things were piling up in my little head. Understandably. But love makes us blind.

Well, his last tirade was about me not picking up a phone or returning his call. "That call came from an anonymous number, how did you expect I know it was you?" And he knows that I never answer to anonymous numbers if I am not expecting a call from one. Because usually they are telesalesmen.
He got frantic and while at it denied his own son, in my eyes, and me, threatened with leaving for good and made me understand that it can't go on. Not anymore. Not with Boy around. That it had to stop.

I thought about it for two days and went through his words over and over again to find what I missed, that I was wrong. Never found it. And then I asked him to pack.

Understandably in his opinion I had misunderstood him grossly and was lying (ah, again. I am SUCH a liar, you know. If you listen to him.... and then he claims he never said so), but still he didn't make a single move to try to convince me otherwise, even I gave the opportunity to him on a silver platter... and I don't know a single person who hadn't even tried to change my mind had they been in that situation. Which does, in my sick mind at least, that he wasn't much opposed to leaving, he just wanted that I do the dirty job.

It is slowly sinking in that there is a big, dark forest of custody arguments and bureaucracy ahead of me, but at least I can ensure Boy balanced environment.

It's funny really... some time ago I found myself thinking that if I wasn't married and didn't want kids I would be completely happy without a relationship screwing up my life.
The problem lies in wanting kids. I still want more of them... but that's not this year's thing, no the following one's (Luckily I still have time). Now I'll concentrate on practical things and try to find Boy and me a bigger apartment and start life all over again.

Blast from the past

Someone commented to the first entry of my little blog yesterday and that got me into reading my divorce related entries again (well, it was after 1 am and I didn't want to sleep because my Darling is not there by my side) and noticed interesting prediction: One thing seems to be sure for me. If I found someone someday, he wont be from this country. I do not know how I know it but I just do. For some reason..." (Editorial note: please excuse my appalling lack of grammar, my tenses suck even worse then than they do now.)

 

Since the separation I did not date one single Finn (went to a date with one Finnish man though (and even he had been born and raised elsewhere), didn't work - even I rather enjoyed it (some men just have so poor taste when it comes to women )), and then eventually was found by my Darling Husband and proved myself right for good.

I had fun while reading this entry: "I need someone stubborn enough, someone with his own free will. Someone strong and reliable, who keeps what he says... " as He really is like that. Two very stubborn parties in one relationship makes it sometimes quite interesting though.

And, of course, reading those old entries also made me appreciate the fact that ex-SIL is an ex as she would have harassed me SO badly about Mr. Wonderful (ref: this) and got into such levels with her questions which would have made me just feel plain disgusted and angry. (Remembering all the nauseating questions and comments she made when I was dating Abhi (who was/ is Indian) I would almost imagine that she would have got much worse about her questions and comments regarding my Wonderful (just knowing all the idiotic stereotypes some people have about black men..)).

Anyway I have been pleased to see that I really did achieve what I hoped for: I grew up, learned to love and appreaciate myself, and eventually found a good husband: Mr. Wonderful who is really a gift from G-d.

That's all folks, see you again some other day!

30 days later

Oh yes, I am very much alive. I have just entered the phase which is said to be nasty to most people, one month of medication, and hence I am quite... tired. Though I would imagine that my problem is mostly that Mr. Wonderful traveled to Nigeria and I simply have not been sleeping too well. As usual.
It's also possible that I have started to take my thyroxine too late and stay awake until early hours because of that, but I would bet on lack of my Wonderful. I have never been good on falling asleep or sleeping soundly throughout the night when He is not by my side.

And of course I obviously need higher dose of thyroxine, but... I really shouldn't up the dosage before I get blood drawn in August.

Regardless, I love the stuff, which obviously means that my thyroid is not ok. Actually I foresee quite a high dosage eventually which means that my thyroid is either very dysfunctional (not literally dead, not yet at least) or my body just needs more of the hormone, for reason or another... but on a brighter note, I may be able to FINALLY lower my cortisone intake!

I noticed this within last two weeks as I wasn't taking my asthma meds as often as I was supposed to and used officially empty (the magic with easyhalers is that they are not empty at that point, the manufacturer just does not quarantee correct dosages at that point) easyhaler without any symptoms of worsening asthma. Pre-thyroxine me would have been hospitalized by now.
There has also been drastic change in my allergies: I have taken like five tablets within whole month of June, whereas back in old times I would have took approximately 60 by now from June 1st... AND the best bit is that my thyroid medication actually has corn starch in it and there are no issues, taking that I take it carefully (if it touches my lips there are symptoms).

Crossed stitches

I have been stitching, have two biscornus almost finished, but I haven't got around ironing and finishing them yet. I blame work for that: no matter how great evenings are because of the extra pay they kind of limit the things you have energy for outside work.

But, I took this weekend off as my birthday is tomorrow (yikes, I am 31 soon! ) and have decided to wake up early tomorrow (3rd) and spend the whole day... stitching and watching DVDs (and eating something less healthy *grin*).

I think that sounds like a great plan.

Maybe I have the energy tomorrow (after yet another day of coming home just before 1 am... from work) to post about the loveliness Jenna sent me, too!

Wonderful

I am not sure have I ever said that He is a real sweetheart? If not there it came.
I have an interesting feeling that now that we are married He is treating me even better than before - which is of course how it should be - He even cooked some food (tuna sauce (He makes the best tuna sauce ever) and okazi soup) for me "for a bad day" before He traveled, which He has never done before (well, intentionally).
(Or maybe He has found out that Nigerian food has become my comfort food and it is easier for me to cope with it - when I had the suspected Swine I craved for egusi soup...)