Family related issues

So...

I thought that everything would be OK because my mom didn't get a mental stroke when she realised that her son-in-law candidate isn't "blonde European". Once again I noticed that it isn't wise to assume anything...

Problems came in the form of my father(I thought he'd be open-minded just because he is well-educated... How stupid of me.). I have to say that even I know that he is an a*****e (Sounds quite cruel, I know) he surprised me.

... oh, the amount of stereotypes and ignorance in him (and in his partner but I forgive her as I am not her daughter...). I'm still SO mad I can't even think straight.... Grr.. And for some reason, even I would like to repeat what he said it's difficult... His attitude bothers me... "I have nothing against foreigners but..." That 'but' is quite revealing...

He makes me sad. Because even I really can't say that I care about him he is still my father. Even he is idiot, even he made my (our lives) life miserable in past... No matter what, he's my father. Only genetic connection but... I just have this odd thought that my happiness matters something to my father. Apparently I was wrong.

For some reason every time when I start to believe that there's real alive human being inside of him he does something which destroys my foolish hallusinations...

BTW

It's 20th week now... And still I don't regret it. ;)

AND....


I haven't been this happy since... since... I can't even remember when.



Falling in love is good for me. :)

I should be in bed....

...but I am not so here I am again.

12 weeks since we met.

I know that I am sentimental little fool but every new week is a victory. :) Only sad thing in my life is the fact that we can't meet in couple of weeks as he is going to see his family, but I'll survive.

It's odd, and sad that I really am afraid of love. I'm afraid of loving and being loved. I'm afraid of showing my love, I'm afraid of saying it. Anyway, I have said it and life is better, nothing changed - at least not in a bad way.

Saturday, those few hours in the morning and afternoon before I left, was amazing. At least part of it. I had already forgot how good it feels to lay on the sofa, watch a rather silly Bond movie and feel the warmth of someone dear. Just stay there and notice how good it feels to be with him in there, in that moment - and how good it felt to feel his arms around me...

Do I sound silly? :) Good. I am happy and I like it.

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Then to the misc s**tty things.

My X is coming to visit in Wednesday, and he'll stay few days before he continues his trip.

In theory I have nothing against it, it was my idea allthough to see and so on - as I just like to see him and have a decent gossip marathon.

...but...

Maybe I just have a stage fever or something but I've bad feeling about this visit... don't know why. Maybe it's because I know him. And even I may sound little egoistic I think that he hasn't got over me yet - even he has somekind of gf/ fb (To be honest I have sometimes this feeling that he tries to make me jealous... But I don't get why? I have my own life now and I'm not very interested of that who he shags or loves...).

And then... we agreed that we have to talk about our relationship and what the hell went wrong because some things affect to my current relationship. Nothing in wrong about that but... I know my X. If I say "When [___] I felt bad because blahblahblah.." he says that I just always blame him and in the end it was my fault... (OMG! How did I manage to stay that long with him? :O)

Well, anyway it can be good to even try to talk about past with him - even it can be disaster.

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Back to important things. ;)

It's odd how hiding my feelings from him and from me affected to my life, our lifes, in a negative ways. I lost couple of weeks completely (And I mean _lost_ as I don't even remember those weeks...) as it was devastating to keep inside of me that fact I have lost my heart to him.

How someone can be afraid of love? Yes, easily, I know but on the other hand that sounds so silly.