...all of them idiots...

How shallow can human be?

I had a conversation with Him and He told what his friend had said to Him when He told we are going to divorce: 'You could find someone better...' Ok, maybe that is only that 'don't worry, there is plenty of fish in the sea' or, as He get it 'She is not good enough (too ugly) for you.' I also heard that one of my neighbors has said similar thing about me - even that one is just normal middle aged man (bad skin, overweight, redneck...). They have also assumed that we are together just for sex.

I got mad, He is too. Apparently some people are so shallow/ stupid that they really think that somebody can be with someone for six years only for sex. And if they think I am not attractive why do they think that? ;)

Fortunately I know the truth. And He agrees with it. 'You are beautiful. You can't be unattractive if I have always enjoyed to have sex with you and lived with you for so long.' :) That was nice thing to say. Maybe it don't sound like it but I know Him. That was compliment from Him. ;)

Funny thing is also that I hear almost daily that I am attractive. :)

Anyway, I am rather intelligent that attractive but... ;)

What is your emo band name? by spiralinghalo
Your band name is:	Boy Sets Table
You sound like:	Unwritten Law
You will be signed to:	Equal Vision Records
Your emo lyrics are:	"I cry for every tear you make me produce"
Name:
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Apparently I can stop crying and start to laugh... This is getting hilarious. Now I am glad that I made that application.

...and now I have to remember if I meet someone interesting that his mom should be dead or at least she should live somewhere far away from here. :P

Love... like life is a bitch.

But why there is hate after love with some people? I don't hate him. I don't believe that. Hate destroys very easily.
Maybe I am naive but as far as I see it there can't be nothing worth to hate in him because I have loved him so much. And now my heart is aching because he apparently hates me... Why he does it? After all, and no matter what, these 5½ years were best in my life.

...at least I have learned something. Hopefully.

And no matter how naive I may sound but I still believe in love, I still believe in marriage. Why couldn't there be 'eternal' love and lasting marriage? At least that is my silly idealistic thought.

...maybe there is something wrong with me because I don't want to blame neither of us? He have done wrong, I have done wrong - but most fatal thing to us was mistrust. And when I told that to him - yes, it is my view, it isn't the whole truth - I was the meanest little liar in this universe. I was that cold hearted woman who never gave any tenderness to him - it was me who teach him to enjoy tenderness, at least he has said so...

HOw is it possible that every little oddity in me is now something awful and weird? Not so long time ago he loved those.

I can make only one decision... even he agreed that if I want to apply for divorce it is OK for him, it wasn't. After that he became crazy.

And made me awfully sad.

..and everything was fine until today.

And now I feel like shit. I have cried almost whole day... Now I am liar, hypocrite and cold person. We have been arguing by SMS whole day and I am finished.

I wouldn't never believe that a man who claims he still loves me can be so cruel to me. Maybe I am asshole, but generally I don't believe that.
Everything he has done wrong is my fault for some twisted reason. And when I say what I have done wrong he claims that I bathe in self pity. And after that he wants me to admit what I have done wrong... OMG! I just can't understand that man anymore.

...and I feel so bad....

I really did it! In fact I even surprised myself by doing it. And I have to say that it was hardest thing I have ever done - even I feel quite good now - and I really do hope that I don't need to fill divorce application never again.

So, in the beginning of February I will be free as a bird - as I have to wait six months and consider...:P

Even I promised that I consider our divorce after he moves away, it feels now that I would really like to do that now. But he isn't here and it would be approriate to speak with him before getting those papers.

This feels odd as I would have ever even thought that I will think like this some day.
But now I have this feeling that I have to go on. Go on and get happy.
This thought feels so good, I am so calm.

There have to be something wrong with me. As this isn't the way I usually handle emotional things... I am not panicing, crying my eyes out. I am just calm.

Maybe I should sleep the night and get those papers today if I still feel like this. :)

Even my relationship status is in front of law 'married' I am not married anymore. I realized that today. I don't want to be close to him anymore. Apparently he doesn't want to be close to me either so... He came back from his dads place today but he didn't go home - he went to see his grandma. Again. For some reason this is very sad situation. But it is better to feel sad now than be miserable for the rest of our lives.

I feel bad because I know that he still loves me. He is miserable because of me.

Being truthful to yourself is hard task. Even truth sets us free.

"The misanthrope hates not man. The misanthrope hates idiocy, stupidity, self-righteousness, authoritarianism, selfishness, greed, ignorance, dishonesty, cant, and balderdash. All of these he hates rightfully. The problem is that all of these are shared by no other member of the animal kingdom but man. And the misanthrope does not entertain the vain hope that these traits will ever stop determining man's behavior." (From 'My Life with Thrill Kill Karl')

For once someone has found the truthful explanation for misanthropy. Maybe I am not that bad person anyway because I dislike human idiocy. In fact I found it quite amusing that I am socially very talented and emphatic, but I have just this one problem... Humans.

Some people wonder why I have so little social contacts. Mainly I wonder how that can be problem to some complete stranger when it isn't that great problem to me. I just try to avoid palpitation by staying away from 'normal' people. I can't give them nothing, they can't give me nothing. At least that is how I feel. For me it is impossible to think life without meaning, life without thinking.
And... I am completely happy when I have at least one friend who understand me. One person who knows me and loves me anyway. One person with whom I can talk about anything and laugh to anything. And that one doesn't even need to live where I live. That suits for me. I have my peace and anyway it is possible to interact with that person almost when ever I want to. And vice versa.

I am abnormal because I think, because I use my brains. Ok, there is nothing wrong but my gender just happens to be wrong. :D For some reason it is difficult to 'locals' when woman uses her brains and admits it.

Sometimes I think I may sound quite bitter person. Maybe I am, but I really don't think so. I happen to like me and I know that there is people out there who appreciate me for what I am. That makes my heart smile. :)