The relativity of time

I was reading my old entries and realised something:

1. Exactly three years ago I was with A. (it was Friday, so I probably was at his place).
2. Exactly two years ago I was still with Sol.
3. Exactly 1½ years ago I was madly and happily in love with Wolfinho.
4. Exactly one year ago I spent time with N. (Sunday and I know that I was at his place.)

Those two years feel like forever. And in some twisted way I miss them all, some more than others, some with more devotion than others...

• I miss A. for those little things he did, even though he was too weak to stand against his family for the love he had for me.
• In some weird way I miss Sonnenschein, even he was too weak to be happy.
• I miss Wolfie for those months of pure happiness, for the feeling of being understood.
• I miss N. for all the good times we had, for all the nights we slept entwined.

I am just curious to know what next 365 days will bring.

Asthma, pumpkin pies and dragons

Shocking as you find it I am still alive. *grin*
I have come to conclusion that even I have learnt to live with the respiratory impairment I am actually getting worse every day before I get my cortisone... Which is either in Wednesday (because I don't have any money on me (once again only our beloved Lady has it *grin*)) or tomorrow if local social services actually have smart enough employees to know that asthma and allergies are chronic diseases... As I know that they only give "billing contracts" for expensive and continuous medication. My medication applies to both: Firstly I need the cortisone and my allergy meds daily, secondly the cortisone I have been prescribed (that was one of the cheap ones!) will be ~46 €/ 25 days with the reimbursement from SII, add my new bronchodilator and allergy meds to the mix and sooner or later we have a HUGE bill.
And in case I take whole three months, which is the maximum you can get any prescription medication from the pharmacy, the bill will be insane.

I am just like any other cranky granny: I come from the pharmacy with a huge bill and a full plastic bag. (I'm kind of getting my mother's complaints about the price of asthma medication etc. SO much better nowadays... fortunately I get all my medical expenses reimbursed for the time being.)

Mmm... pie...

I have always loved the stuff as only pumpkin pie I have ever tasted has been made according to my mother's ye good ole recipe, but... what makes me wonder is that now, when she tried acclaimedly American (U.S.A.'an) recipe the filling is not as good as it was in past with ye good ole recipe.
So, either this acclaimedly Real Thing is directed for very spice-o-phobic people or I am a misguided soul as in my opinion The Real Thing has good amount of spices as they are the soul of a great pumpkin pie. The Real Thing is what my mother used to make when I was a kid, that one with loads of all the yummy spices.

But then, I am a spice addict. Only good gingerbreads are also made according to the recipe my mother has always used, that one which has loads of spices and not too much sugar.

Still... a spiceless pumpkin pie is always better than no pumpkin pie. (And there's nothing better than a rice flour pie crust, yum!)

Fall

Spite of the migraine I have had since Wednesday I have been merrily stitching Autumn Fall Dragon on Jenna's RR and I actually found it quite hilarious that I, like Jenna, enjoy stitching on black during a migraine attack. (Great minds etc. *grin*)

It's not done yet, but I have to say that spite the slowness of my progress I have thoroughly enjoyed stitching this so far (Though, admittedly black floss with black blending filament on black evenweave kind of got me, but fortunately there wasn't too many stitches with that combo and I love the effect) and at the moment this is my absolute favourite of all the four as it really symbolises the season it represents - and it looks gorgeous on black.

...How I have grown to hate airplanes since last year, they are groaning out the pain I feel inside of me. Still.
They used to represent freedom, hope for better and now they just remind me of you, you, who ironically are the only man I could take back, but who'll never ask me to consider it. I know you don't believe in second or third changes, not anymore - and how I hope you had never been taught that by someone you loved...

I still remember what you wore that day, I still remember the softness of those leather benches in that cab we took from the airport and, to my horror, I still remember how your fingers felt in my hair and how soft your lips were.

I always said you were different. You are. It took me almost a year to get you out of my dreams and it will take forever and a day to get you out of my heart.

I still remember how you warned me about loving you because you are broken...

Will: You ever wonder what your life would be like if you uh..if you never met your wife?
Sean: What? Wonder if I'd be better off without her?
Will: No, no, no, I'm not saying, like, better off.
Sean: No.
Will: I didn't mean it like that.
Sean: It's all right. It's an important question. Becauseyou'll have bad times, but that'll always wake you up to the good stuffyou weren't paying attention to.
Will: And you don't regret meeting your wife?
Sean: Why? Because of the pain I feel now? Well, I got regrets, Will, but I don't regret a single day I spent with her.

Yeah, no regrets, but does it make me sound like a desperate idiot if I say that I am having a hard time because of the happiness I felt last year this time?
As I have said, it's not love that hurts, but missing someone... I don't know, it's kind of odd anyway... missing someone you have got over of. (At least I claim that you are over him... though, if I can think of a relatonship with someone else I can't be that badly mistaken... anyway.)

The Persistence of Memory

Once again I remember why I ceased to listen any music in last autumn. Because it hurt so much, everything reminded me of someone I knew I'd never have in my life for real, even I had to live in hope out of love for him.

Alegría is not a sad song, but it brings tears to my eyes. It reminds me of the happiness I (/we) had (not so long ago), it reminds me everything I (/we) lost. It reminds me of love I was able to feel, an the courage it gave me.
And I can't get one sentence out of my mind: "When will my dear Princess cry her cute eyes out because of me?"

On a less teary note: I was actually thinking connection between music and memories last night when I was listening Pain Of Salvation.
Second Love is song which connects to two different individuals in my personal history. Sonnenschein introduced that song to me, and Wolfie... well, listens PoS too.
I've always loved that song because of its melancholy, because of the lost love and the pain it brings.

Lost love has always attracted me, maybe that is why I seem to be unable to have steady relationship with anyone. Maybe my unconscious self is driven by melancholy and sorrow, maybe I'm not meant for lasting happiness.
It might explain my love for black, it might explain my attraction towards horror and darker side of human mind. I get my satisfaction from there where it feels like home...

But I digress...

Every time I hear Undertow I have the same image in my mind... His phone waking him up in the morning with that tune. It's sunny outside, I lay on my (right) side, wrapped in blanket and I see that phone (orange and white) on the chest of drawers. I even remember the scent of that room...

Love is frail, but memories are persistent. And sometimes memories give you strength, sometimes they make you want to bury yourself under blankets and never come out.
Actually I'd like to bury myself in someone's arms at the moment and just be there. But it's just me and cats - and the music. Some day I can listen this song with smile on my face, but that day is not this one.

Something I found...

While I was moving all my offline entries into one folder I found something which I have never posted... memories from Wednesday, May 31, 2006 11:39:58:

LiveJournal Trading Cards Free Account Edition snowprincipessa User Number: 2934663 Date Created:2004-04-24 Number of Posts: 666 Complex person with more quirks than most can take. Mostly cold rationalist who loves facts, but when in love is affectionate, and passionate to fieriness. Introverted extrovert, misanthropic filanthropist. Strengths: Intellect, twisted sense of humour, positive attitude, trustworthiness, naïveness, ability for abstract thinking, sensitiveness, affectionateness, protectiveness. Weaknesses: Naïve, tends to keep her negative emotions inside, fear of unknown, split-level head Special Skills: Demoness, crafter, forum admin... Specialises on melting into little puddles. Weapons: Enchanting eyes, well-hidden horns. Quote: "Freedom of will is given to everyone. If they wish to follow the right path and become righteous, they have the ability to do so. If they wish to follow the path of wrong and become wicked, they have the ability to do so as well."

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I liked that puddle part. (This makes me smile. (As they say "It's better to have loved and lost than not loved at all."))

Photos

I found some old photos from storage room, I've been laughing my ass off about half an hour.

But there's so much memories in them. Pics of my first bf even. We were quite cute couple. And I was quite cute back then, I just hope I'm as cute now.
I also remembered why I fell for M. Those eyes of his.... yikes.

I don't look a day older now than I looked when I was 16. So, I've been right when I've said that I've looked like 25 year old last 12 years... Back then it was good in a way, nowadays it's also good - just for different reason.