Can of worms

I have had certain thought for a while..

This move has been a good move (har har) as it has given me space to think and process things and face some ugly possibilities.

To be honest I am not at all certain did Tiny's father, ex-to-be, want Tiny after all, despite what he said when we met and discussed about the matter.
He probably was lulled into the thought that I really was barren, even I had told him I didn't believe it would impossible for me to get pregnant. And he was wrong, he hated to be wrong...

First of all: when I found out I was pregnant I was in a different city so I called him. And let's say he wasn't exactly thrilled. Or happy. Or positively surprised.
And you would imagine that if your wife tells you appr. two years after you skip birth control because kids would be nice that she is pregnant you would be thrilled. At least I would.
But then again I am a bit odd.

He wanted to skip first sonogram because "it is so early in the morning!". It was as early for me. And I was the one who was exhausted 24/7 and had all-the-day-sickness.
And again, you would imagine that a man who has waited for the good news for TWO years would be joining his wife happily, regardless how early he have to wake up.
Regardless, I dragged him there. And he moped the whole time.

And the second sonogram... we got the appointment with the invitation to the first one AND I reminded him appr. 1½ weeks before it was and still he "forgot" and rather went to see his buddy - no way he would have cancelled it, it was "too important". Yeah...

He never asked during the pregnancy how the baby is doing, or commented when I told him the antenatal visit news. Nor he reacted in any way when I told him that Tiny's kicking already (he started 12+5 and you can tell: he has STRONG legs) or when I told him that I had seen the first kick.

He never asked do we need something for the baby. Only when I was full-term he started bitching have I bought everything!
So, everything Tiny had when he was born was bought by me or my parents.

He has, mind you, bought few items of clothing last summer, but naturally he didn't listen to me when I told him that Tiny is a big boy and it would be better to buy 80 cm and up as he was already using 74 cm (1 year) clothes. So, he got 74 cm clothes, which meant, of course, that Tiny has used one shirt and one sweater jacket. Once.

Since I left him he hasn't asked once how Tiny's doing. And as I see it he would be interested of his child IF he had really wanted to have him

He has never assisted me financially or even asked do I need money. And naturally after I left him there hasn't been any sign of child support. Even, once again, one would imagine otherwise if the child was wanted. That he would want to do the right thing for his own son's benefit.
Fun thing in this is that as child support will eventually be paid by SII he will be in debt to SII, something he hates. As he apparently does not realize that thanks to EU SII can and will go after their money and it will haunt him as long as he resides in EU area.

And oh... Tiny was never our son, he was your son and in one occasion, I think, my son.

Stash p0rn!

I am incurable! Luckily I won't afford new stash before spring so this stash p0rn will stop for a while after ALL that stuff I have ordered arrives to this side of the pond... and that is quite a reasonable pile of stuff.

But, without further ado: stash!

I managed to snatch two BEAUTIFUL Solos from Silkweaver's Facebook sale. Or three. I am not sure is that brown one solo or a regular, but it is really pretty too. Chocolatey brown with slight, but noticeable variation.

And apparently they think that I am a good customer as I got an extra with the fabrics:

And naturally I have received yet another envelope from One Star's Light (liquidation sale is still on, -40% with TheLastHurrah in your shopping basket!)

I have hoarded those LHN chart packs as they are practically free! What I have paid doesn't even cover the price of the floss so I had no excuse to leave them at OSL. *grin*
But admittedly all this saving is rather expensive... Anyway, I also ordered some HDF silks for "For This Child..."

"Robin Egg" and "Dragon Hoard" and I think I'll choose dragon one as Tiny is a dragon AND that is FAR more pretty.
Now I just need to decide on fabric... like for every Crazy January Challenge 2013 project. Even for Flora McSample one as one of the flosses is exact match for the fabric. Or maybe I change the green floss.

And now I am off to stalk our postie, there is a lot of stash waiting to arrive and I am certain that postie holds my stash hostage and fondles it without my permission....

I know I am an evil bitch, but I really hope Tiny's father does not respond to my latest email. Which I sent yesterday requesting his address and phone number (and I did send pics and tell how Tiny's doing).

If he doesn't reply to it he makes it so much easier for me to get the sole custody. As in addition to us living in different countries his inability to communicate would weight heavily against shared custody.

I hope that he keeps his word in this and doesn't want to keep any contact with us before Tiny's an adult. Because, as cruel as it is, it makes it easier for me and Tiny.

Stash sneaking in

I have several shipments coming from USA (ton of stuff from One Star's Light and a new shower curtain from CafePress), but for some reason the one that arrived this week was one of the latest orders... maybe 1-2-3 Stitch! is in good terms with postal services as their envelopes have always arrived in due course.

Little clearance finds again, they have had great designs there lately.

Dragon Dreams!

Jennifer has the cutest 12 Days of Christmas series in the making in Dragon Dreams' Facebook page so hop over if you have missed it!

I must stitch those for Tiny as he is a dragon baby - and coming to think of it I probably need to buy Ellen Maurer-Stroh's Dragon Baby and stitch it for Tiny.

Outsider parenting

As some of you know I have always felt more or less an outsider in this world. Sometimes the feeling goes away. Only to return at some point.

I have come to realize that that feeling is back. I don't feel like belonging to any peer groups regarding my parenthood and even though I can talk about people's interests and their topics I feel an outsider. Whether it is mother's with babies and partners or single parents.
Somehow I don't fit into either category. That I don't really know what they are talking about even we are more or less in same situation in life.

Or is it just that I don't share other people's problems, period? Or maybe I just have an amazingly easy child - which is not true.

Most likely it's all about the way I look at life and things. I seem to see goodness in everything (my mom heard that she has cataract and scarring in both eyes and I was immediately looking at the bright side: now she can afford to pay the surgery as she'll retire soon and her expenses decrease as she will only have one home to keep up) no matter what.
As I was overly optimistic.

Yes, Tiny keeps me awake at nights: he still drinks milk 1-4 times a night, he has very bad case of teething going on, housework is lagging behind, he is really a momma's boy and I basically can't have any hobbies outside home. Basically we are attached from the hip.
But so what? That is how it is with a baby. They grow, they learn, they are dependent. I am his only safe full-time adult, of course he wants my attention. I have been there for him since the moment he saw the hospital lights for the first time and if he wasn't so dependent I would be worried.

If I wanted I could sleep 12 hours a night (excl. feedings), if I wanted I would be able to take two showers every day. And I do, but it is my own damn fault that I don't get bed when Tiny does and it's my own damn fault that I don't shower when he sleeps. (I could shower when he is awake, but he loves our shower a bit too much to stay away from the water.)

Sometimes I do wonder how women with a partner and a healthy, average child can claim they are SOOOOO exhausted. How they can be if I, being alone and having a chronic illness that has negative effect on your energy levels, am not?
Or is the difference that I don't worry if there is some dirty laundry or dishes? I don't need to be THAT perfect, not now.
Maybe it is beneficiary for me to be alone with Tiny? No energy spent for social niceties and trying to be perfect. Tiny's happy lad as long as he has clean diaper, clean clothes, milk, food, his mommy and something to do/ play with. He doesn't care if there is dirty laundry or the flat is not spotless.

Heaven/ I'm in Heaven

In stashy heaven, to be precise.

One of those bazillion stitchy groups I belong to in Facebook is strictly Stitch-A-Long group and those evil people scheduled a "Cirque de Coeurs" SAL starting from coming Valentine's Day and... My reasoning ended at that point where I found pretty and cheap floss perfect for it. *grin*

Said floss is Anchor's variegated 1206.

And naturally I justified postages while at it and got these from 1-2-3 Stitch!'s Clearance section.

Tiny loved the caterpillar design when he saw it so I guess I must stitch it for him. Though I'll modify the fairy child's skin and hair colour a bit.

I have also managed to kit DMC part of all of my "Crazy January Challenge" projects (and I was told that it was originally a Finnish idea so I kind of have another excuse here). Luckily floss is cheaper in Tallinn as there's 40 skeins for CJC projects (and four skeins of Variations).

I also found this 40% off.

If I am not completely mistaken the design has all St. Petersburg's famous churches pictured.

And my friend Niina came to visit couple of days ago and brought me lovely housewarming gifts!

But now I must (oh yes, dreadful) start stitching! I managed to misplace my almost finished ornament exchange piece during the move and have to stitch new one. And of course as I am in a hurry (mail-out was yesterday) I chose to stitch it over one...

Once I Was Afraid/ I was Petrified

Last four months have taught me a lot. I have come to notice I am much stronger than I thought and that things I once considered as the end of the world aren't such.

I have come to realize how much I can love and how much there is room for denial in my little head. And that my inner self knows things before I do and prepares my subconscious for what is bound to come.

Last three weeks have been harder than one can imagine as I have been burning midnight oil trying to get stuff organized, even though it may not look like it at the moment.
But it has been good. I see in myself how much happier I am as people react to my happiness now. Not so long ago I was much more reserved because I "had" to be careful with people. And somewhere deep in me I was unhappy. For certain reasons.

And now I can smile and laugh with people without needing to worry. I can be myself. I can be good, happy mom to Tiny.

I CAN be happy.

Ooops.

I have a confession to make.

Tiny and I were on a (play) date on Sunday. (Play date as he had his kids with him. *grin*)

It seems that we might actually meet him again in future when I have moved and settled down. Or then I don't understand men at all anymore... *grin*

Ooops.

Like a leaf aka. RAKed

Couple of days ago I posted a link to one HAED design to my Facebook profile and had a little discussion in the comments with Anne about it as it was in my basket at HAED, but I couldn't justify it to myself even it was -50% off.
Well, I went to bed and the next day I had an email from HAED waiting for me! I had been RAKed by Anne who bought it to me as a housewarming gift!

Said design was Randal Spangler's Sanctuary of Knowledge and you probably understand why I fell in love with it...

Yes, books. A lot of books. (And fairies, of course. Little peris flying all around...)

One "like" factor is that it has so many little details that I might actually have endurance to stitch this one day, as even HAED's site is full of beautiful designs SO many of them have ton of background stitching which would make me abandon whole design (I know they have background removal service). With my attention sp-oh a butterfly!-an it's just wise to try to only like really, really detailed BAPs.

And naturally being Insanette of Needleworks I dream of stitching this on 40 count, over one. (Mind you, this is HUGE design (625 W by 468 H) and it will be big even on that.)

One more "Must Stitch"

HAED had a Halloween sale and as I was cunningly lured to their site I had to buy two quick stitches, this being the one I WANT to stitch now:

Motherhood QS by Selina Fenech and HAED

On 40 count linen, over one, obviously. You know me.

Packing, packing, packing, laundry, laundry, laundry... in addition to running around Metropolitan area last two weeks equals one very tired /me and no stitching.

But... we are moving!

I was offered a bigger apartment in the city where I have lived most of my life so I went to check it, I accepted it, provided all needed paperwork (that only took two days) and signed the lease last week.
It's a two bedroom apartment in a relatively new apartment block in area where there seems to be a lot of young children, which means possible playmates for Tiny. And the place is nice and spacious, our bedrooms are about the size of our current living room... (bedrooms are not as big as it sounds, but our living room is small.)

Even better the company has ordered some renovations in there before we move in and we get paint for free to paint the walls.

Admittedly I am not excited about the move itself (I hate moving), but I am excited to get a new apartment with some actual space - and an elevator!

2013 CJC: Designs Chosen! (Picture heavy!)

Ladies, gentlemen and crazy stitchers, we have a list!

1. "Beach Cottage" by County Cottage Needleworks



2. "Acorns" by Little House Needleworks



3. "Comfort" by LHN



4. "Elizabeth Ann Bremer Sampler" by Beehive Needleworks



5. "Women Are Angels" by Periphaeria Designs



6. "EduCATed" by Bent Creek



7. "St. Basil's Cathedral" by Dimples Designs


(For clarity, picture has been snatched from Sewandso's site, but I host it. I just was too lazy to start taking pictures in this murky weather.)

8. "Scissors By Any Other Name" by The Cat's Whiskers Design Studio



9. "Snowman Stocking" by Bent Creek



10. "To Laugh Often" by Twisted Threads



11. "This Too Shall Pass" by My Big Toe



12. "For This Child" by My Big Toe



13. "Kisses From Heaven" by San-Man Originals



14. "Persian Proverb Sampler" by Moira Blackburn



15. "Flora McSample Heart Sampler" by Lizzie*Kate

I know I said something about small designs and all that bullcr*p, but I went with those designs that screamed most. And nicely enough four of them has either floss or fabric so kitting won't be as expensive (like it matters *grin*).

Soon this will be my stitching scenery.

If nothing goes wrong, that is.

It's raining stash, hallelujah!

It is an illness, remember.

Won some pretties at eBay...

And then noticed that my favourite DVD shopping place also carries second hand cross stitch books (and there are no shippings charges to EU)!

Then I caved in when I saw some pretty fabric at Silkweaver's Facebook sale... this time I am quite pleased with the pieces. That small one is actually exactly like the one I used for Futurecast.

And then... my 52 backordered skeins of white Sullivan's floss came!

And I may have bought few skeins of GAST for Alter Echo v.2.0 from One Star's Light... and those L*K's to justify postages... or something. *grin*

Tablecloth under all this prettiness is one I made while studying my artisan degree. It was on the table when Tiny finally had his name publishing party (I don't go to why it was just before he turned 7 months, you probably guess) and I like it too much to wash it...

Stitching goals for October

Yes, such a brave move, but it has to be done.

1. Decide on how to finish Tiny's ornament.
2. Catalog more stash.
3. Decide "2013 Crazy January Challenge" designs and make a list of needed fibers and fabrics.
4. Dye fabric and/ or flosses for "Christmas Quaker II" by Bygone Stitches.
5. Finish ornament for an exchange.
6. Stitch mother's holiday ornament (just designed it and it looks fab *grin*).

I think I might be able to do all this, and if not at least I try.

Randomness

I love our (ante- and) postnatal nurse. Her opinion was that it's the best for the child that I have decided to balance our lives by leaving Tiny's father as it obviously was what was needed.
She also considers staying at home that legally allowed three years (i.e. I can still return to my old job, they can't sack me without an extremely good reason) as a good thing and not being irrational despite the fact that it will be tight financially.

And I want a cat. Now that Mr. Pets-Belong-To-Outdoors-And-Not-With-Humans-And-Cats-Are-Dangerous-To-Babies has left the building I can't help, but wanting a new cat... Masa is still alive and well, but he has his own herd now so I wouldn't even consider taking him back.
Fun thing is that due Mr. PBTOANWHACAD not being around since last October Tiny and I were at my mom's after Tiny was born (c-section and so on). And she had four cats (now there is three). But that is why Tiny is so healthy. I am surprised that my child has no allergies (that I know of) and he is rarely sick (he has had two minor colds), but it has to be all about those cats.
And young sir loves those cats to pieces. Admittedly cats don't always enjoy his love and excitement, but still... they are good pals.

At the moment I am waiting until Tiny gets older, but who knows...

Tiny Things and CJC

Where did my little man go? He had his first (two!) teeth day before yesterday and will soon be crawling on all fours... not to mention that he wears 1-2 year old's clothes already. An average 6 month old, yes.

This morning he took his toothbrush and put it in his mouth. I just needed to move it.
And he wanted that I brushed his gums too before he let me take the brush out of his mouth... Attaboy!

2013 Crazy January Challenge

I started a list of designs to my sidebar to keep track of my own thoughts. It's not carved in stone yet, but one needs to start from somewhere.

Dreams...

are not called "dreams" for nothing.

Last night I had a dream where Tiny's dad actually wanted to meet his son and where he admitted that he misses me AND was willing to behave like every man should do: try to make amends, open up, talk and fix what is broken.

I woke up sad, because it was just a dream and because I know he is so stubborn that no matter what he won't admit that he misses me even if he does. Or that he misses his son.

And There Was an Envelope-load of SEX

One load from One Star's Light is in! PRETTY! OOOOOH!

Yes, I live a dull life. *grin*

At least one of thise Little House Needleworks' charts goes to my CJC list. Either "Acorns" or "Comfort". Or maybe both...

Christmas Quaker II - Songs of the Season

Dyes found. I got Dylon's "Flamingo Pink" and black as they didn't have turquoise and that pink is so pink that it hurts.

Options at the moment in my twisted mind are:

1. black 40 count fabric, pink floss
2. black'n'pink 40 count fabric, white floss
3. natural 40 count fabric, black'n'pink floss

Happy Dance! \o/

As unbelievable as it is we have a finish! Yes, a F-I-N-I-S-H!

• Designer: Lizzie* Kate
• Design: 1st Christmas
• Fabric: one of my own hand-dyeds, apparently32 count opalescent Jobelan(?).
• Floss: White Madeira silk, two HDF's silks.

I am not yet sure which its shape will be so I skipped confetti stitches and will stitch them when I have decided upon the shape, taking that there is room for any.

But, I think this is my FIRST cross stitch finish this year.

Yeah, that is how pathetic it has been.

Tiny and His Amazing Technicolor Dreammittens

Fall has come and Tiny needs mittens so I decided to steal borrow some yarn from my mother (same she used to knit woolly socks for Tiny) and knit tiny mittens.

Other one looks bigger as it has been tried on.
The designs and counts are completely out of my head. I just went along according to what was needed: long enough wrist to keep his wrists warm and flexibility as Mr. Tiny has big hands.

To Be Afraid

To be afraid that you are damaged for life. That you have been damaged since the day of your conception.

To fear that everyone lies to you, that everyone keeps things from you. That those who matter, or would matter, have a secret life you are not aware of.
To fear that everyone just uses you like you have been used.

To be afraid that you are too demanding, that wanting 110% trust and openness is too much, too egoistic. Being afraid of voicing your demands just that people wouldn't think you are an impossible, demanding, egoistic bitch.

To fear that all your relationships are doomed to fail. That if you don't leave him, he will leave you.

To be afraid. To be paranoid.

To fear being broken again, of losing yourself because you love someone. To fear that when you love your love is not appreciated and cherished the way it should be.

To be afraid of having to cry alone, to sleep alone, to feel joy alone. Despite of being one of two.

To fear you are not accepted as you are, with all your flaws and quirks. Not to be loved as who you are, that your stupid jokes are not understood, that the things you love the most are considered stupid and unnecessary.

To be afraid of having to live behind facades again. When it should not be important how things look like, but how they really are. To have to hide your love, happiness and life from everyone else because the one you love has something to hide from you and from someone else.

To fear being controlled. Being watched. Being blamed for what you don't do and what he does.

To be afraid of repeating your mistakes over and over again. Never learning anything, being blind.

To fear loving as it overwhelms you and blurs your sensibility. Exposes you to hurt, sorrow, pain. Takes away healthy criticism and makes you blind to everything.

To be afraid of not being praised, of not being attractive. Or losing attractiveness.

To fear of hurting your child with your choices. To fear that you are ruining his life because of what you want and decide.

To be afraid of being too afraid.

Remember Alter Echo?

That thing I stitched in Bangkok?

I have been thinking about it for quite a while... Alter Echo and what I should do with it. I have decided that I will start it over as this version of it has too heavy baggage. I just couldn't finish this version and hang it on my wall as it would always remind me of those days after my world crumbled

Alter Echo v.2.0a has, most likely, changed colour scheme, either a bit or a lot, haven't decided yet. And most likely I'll change the fabric too, or at least dye the current one after I have done some serious frogging.

Actually I have been thinking of using various colours for this. Maybe some pretty GASTs and left-over what-evers and then tea dye the fabby... though I think I want 40 count for this, and then tea, or coffee, dye the fabby to give it that aged look. Maybe even soak the floss in beverage-of-my-choice to give it some patina...

2013 Crazy January Challenge aka. "Startitis, it is a serious illness"

(© CCN)

I have found an excuse reason to start from 10 to 15 new projects in the month of January!
Country Cottage Needlework's "Beach Cottage" is surely one of them as this just strikes my fancy at the moment and the design only takes 4-5 hand-dyed flosses and some more basic DMC so this is an easy peasy el cheapo project.

Actually I already eyed few designs couple of days ago and noticed that I will have a HUGE problem... I only browsed through one magazine box and already found 15 of them - and I still have 5-6 times more. Excluding books, magazines and all digital patterns - and some designs which are in the storage room. And my own designs.
And some more on the way from One Star's Light sale... ooops.

One of the wonderful things in this challenge is that now I have a great reason to shop as I need to kit these babies up before January as I need to start all the projects in as many consecutive days as I have chosen projects.

Startitis, who needs a cure?