... this is quite unfair in a way. But I knew it can not be that easy to get rid of love that lasted so long.
I always thought we have kids some day and grow old together. I thought I will always love him no matter what... and now he is moving away from here and I have lost my love. In my mind my life was great even we had our difficulties... maybe I just were wearing pink glasses, or maybe it was love. I considered myself lucky because I found my loved one so young. Even I were waited for him all my life.... It is always hard to give up, I know. I also need this feeling, otherwise I will be unhappy for the rest of my life. Love is a bitch sometimes. But it is worth it. In the end it is only thing that matters in life. Love makes world go around - sometimes it just stops it.
Human beings are odd. Love makes you cry and feel like shit but still we fell in love again if we "have" to. Well, there is no happiness without suffering. And sometimes being miserable is even fun.

Waiting for better times.

We told it. In fact whole family knows now. Knows and knows, they will know when they read my message from the family's message board. I am eager to see their reactions...
Telling was surprisingly easy but it was also SO hard. Fortunately one do not have to do things like this in daily-basis.:)

And I told a little white lie to them... "We have not even talk about divorce yet..." Yes we have, but it seems to me that we talk about that again after he has his own place. In fact we have talked about what kind of person we would like to meet and fall in love to... Odd conversation for married couple, even separating one.:) But we are realists, fortunately.
It can happen... that one of us finds someone. Even it is against all odds. Especially it can be problem for me, as for some reason it seems to be quite hard for some men to realize that I really do not care what man looks like (Ok, of course there have to be something that I like but fortunately I love smiling eyes:) if he has pair of functioning brains. And if chemistry works. Second problem.... I know that for some people it is hard to realize that I can not make any commitments before I see that person. You can have a severe crush to someone but you just can not really fall in love without meeting that person. Maybe I am dull realist but if one can not respect my views one can not respect me neither so...
I know my worth and I have learned to respect myself. I have even learned to love my body for what it is. I am quite proud of myself. In fact I am madly in love with me.;)

It is so odd to talk about "my husband" so maybe I should just talk about "him". It would be suitable and nice name for him.:)

I had... we had interesting conversation last night. In fact many of those... We are really getting along, as friends. We agreed that we are more better persons as friends than married couple. We maybe never ever even should get married, but we did. And that is not bad thing in general. We had wonderful time, but it seems that it was fate that we got married. We were both broken and we needed each other to heal - and now we are fine, few fine lines here and there showing that we were broken-hearted ones... It is funny, we should be devastated but it seems to me that this was the best solution to us.:)
Life is really weird. Well, I have not lost anything. I got really good friend.:) ... as it is really, really hard to find anyone for that job... Maybe I am just too picky.:)

This little voice in my head is yelling that this is too easy! There have to be some kind of problems or at least self-destruction... But I do not care about it. I feel good. I feel happy. Life is wonderful, life is good. So Mr.Little Voice... Shut up!:)

I am beginning to scare me.

I organized kitchen cupboards in the morning and it felt good. No tears, not even bad feeling inside of me when splitting things up. I noticed that preparing things help me stay sane.
He was wondering it, me splitting things, said that it feels like I wanna get rid of him. I said that it is my way to survive - but did not tell that he is right with that. I would throw him out today if it would be possible. I think I set him a date when he have to move out. I wanna start my summer alone, thank you. If that makes me bad person, I can not help it.

Tomorrow is the day when we reveal this thing. In a way we have to as my mom and brother are coming to visit and they will see these piles of stuff waiting to go away from here.

So much has happened lately.

I just realized today how fucked-up I have been. But there is nothing new, I just am quite sensitive to stress - especially emotional one. In fact it is somewhat odd that I am as well as I am now. No depression, I can even sleep nowadays and life has not lost its meaning..

Well, that is not that odd in fact. I have been preparing myself for this quite a long time if I stop to think. Question is just why now, why not earlier?
Maybe it is my optimism, maybe it is my naiveness. Foolish little girl just believed in love. And for some reason love won. It run away and opened my eyes. And I saw my future - it was not beautiful future. Only one sentence and my future was lot brighter. It is funny, even cruel but who understands life?

For some reason it feels like my husband has finally got that what I said to him two months ago, he has finally noticed that I have really lost my love for him.( Love in general never fades away. It is inside of us all, open to only few persons in this world. There is not that one and only as I see it, there is some good ones. Maybe out there somewhere is that best of good ones, maybe that person is the "only one".) I do love him in a way, he is still my dearest friend and I hope I will never ever learn to hate him. But that difference between friendship love and Love is small but big enough for me. I am emotional little thing, I just happen to need deep emotions. Nothing less is not good for me.

Finally I have peace in me. I am not a failure after all, wow.:)

It seems to be true, there is no "decent" sex without great emotions... no orgasms without feelings - and I hate that.:(
I have lost even more than I believed.
It is quite hard for me as sex has always been good in our relationship and I am used to that. Now there is no point to have sex even we agreed that we can have this sexual relationship...
..and how do I say this to him without hurting him?... Damn, I am soft-hearted.:(

Yeah, they say that orgasm is not the main thing in sex. It is not but if you get used to something... Maybe I am just superficial idiot but do I miss them.:(
It is possible that I have become sentimental old fool. Or then I am just wiser now.

Last night I got it.

I started to organize this place like I like it, packing my hubs things up. This place feels even more like home now, kitchen is almost ready. It is in fact my favorite place after bedroom - those little pleasures in life, cooking, eating and sleeping.;)
I have images of this place in my head... just waiting to be true.
In fact I feel quite peaceful now, so peaceful that it is worrying me...:) Paranoid, me? Never!:)

This sadness is sometimes very scary.. no, not sadness. I feel like a prisoner. I know I will get out from here some day but now it feels like it would never happen. For some odd reason my freedom comes when my husband moves away from here - from my home I was saying... Well, this feels more like my home nowadays. I can not wait to get him out... that man I was madly in love with. I do not even know when I lost my love.
Maybe it all ended when he confessed that he cheated me when we started dating. Confession came after we got married. I was fool and I forgive. I was fool and stand next to him when he felt guilty. I was that fool who thought there was something wrong in me when I felt bad for what he did.
As I was the one who made him feel guilty, I was hideous. Sometimes it felt like I was the one that started that all....
I tried to talk with my husband, I tried to say that I was sad, that I felt bad... I tried to tell him that I just loved him like a madman but it seemed to me that he was not loving me.
Well, after 1½ years of suffering I had my revenge. I had an affair, I maybe even loved that man... we had one thing in common: our souls were broken. In a way he saved me.
This happened little over two years ago... and now I am getting out from my prison - aka love.

I was highly faithful person who believed eternal love and devotion. Now I am cheating bastard. And I just hope that I can finally forgive myself. And learn how to love again, learn to be faithful again.
I think that it is not that hard thing to do. I believe in me. I believe in Love.

...some day....

...back again.

I had this dream when I was sleeping (quite obvious?) and after I woke up I felt confused but good. Now I have the strength to tell that I failed to get good marriage. For some reason it is quite hard for me to let people know that even I can fail. Of course it is difficult for all of us, but for some reason it seems to be very difficult for me.
Confess that there is some emotion stronger than I am. Well, stronger than I was. Maybe I just finally learned to love myself like I should.

I just noticed something.

We do not sleep together anymore. Nowadays he usually sleeps in the living-room and I sleep in the bedroom. It is a bit difficult for me as I do not like to sleep alone.

On the other hand it can be better for me... or maybe not, as I need lot of touching - and sleeping next to warm male body is the most wonderful thing there can be. *Sigh* I do not even miss having sex that much than I miss intimacy, cuddling...

There is nothing new in that: I have been like this always. Earlier I just used sex to get what I really needed. I have learned new things during my marriage, now I want to have touching and tenderness before having sex. Maybe even fall in love, as sex is not just sex anymore... it is making love now. You know, this happens when you taste something so sweet you could not never even believed that there is something like it....

...and that makes this so hard.

I know what I have lost and I do miss it. After all, when everything was fine it was really fine. And losing something that big and beautiful is like losing someone very dear.

Well, I lost very dear person. I lost that boy I married 5 years ago. And after he got lost, my love got lost too. Or maybe I just fell in love to some imaginary person. I can not say.

Day one

I am separating. Now I said it, no one knows except him and I. Not yet, we will tell when he moves away. Then it will be easier to handle - for both of us, I think. After 5 years and five months this all feels so... unnecessary. After love so great I feel so empty. But mostly I am wondering how it all just ended. I have always thought that love survives forever if it is real. Ok, I was naive - love can not live without respect, love can not live when you have to take care and no one takes care of you. Even now I think that love is greatest power what there is, we just were not meant to each other - maybe. Maybe all would be nice if... So many maybes. I just have to try to live on and survive. Maybe I even can love again, really love and trust some one. As we see, I have not learned anything.:) It is good I still have my belief to Love, so there is still hope for me, for the humans. One thing seems to be sure for me. If I found someone someday, he wont be from this country. I do not know how I know it but I just do. For some reason...