It's like learning to walk again

When you have learned to watch your every step, move, gesture and keep your eyes away from the person you love (because he is a controlling jerk and you haven't realised it yet) it's actually really difficult to unlearn it even if previously mentioned things are well in the past and processed. And it's like being in alternate reality to have someone you care for close willingly to you after being with a controlling jerk who considered all physical contact as something distasteful, even brutal.

I am in the brink of a cultural shock.

Ms. BBA, Student

I am still waiting for the letter of acceptance, but the national online service has told me that I was accepted!!!

The Plan

At the moment I am in a limbo regarding my, our life. The divorce (incl. custody etc.) is still in progress, thanks to slowness of our Ministry of Foreign Affairs: it took nine months from them to find out ("find out") that Spanish legislation prevents getting any real information about Ex's whereabouts without court order - but regardless they have an address. Ages old address, but it's none of my business.
It probably is my problem as the letter local court sent in the end of January may be hanging in there quite a while, even though I assume the court assumes that if there is no reply within few months he is not interested/ didn't get the letter (-> is not interested).
So, with luck I'd get out of limbo this summer.

The problem lays in us, Ex and me, having shared custody in the eyes of the law, thanks to having a child in wedlock. And basically he has his word to say regarding Tiny's whereabouts.

And I am planning to move cities this year. And in theory he could oppose it if things don't go as wanted or if we are still waiting for the verdict.

But, our constitution provides every person freedom to decide where they live, and constitution has priority over family laws.
And then there's the fact that Ex has never met Tiny nor has shown any actual interest to do so (not to mention he has never even wished him happy birthday or asked how Tiny's doing). So, my, our, city of residence bears no significance to him.

But still he can make things difficult to us just out of spite if he wishes to do so.

Anyway... in August I will apply to University of Applied Sciences, a new job and an apartment in the same city where my mom lives. Uni would be 15 kilometers from us, but granny, Tiny's most favourite person on this Earth, would be only 3 kilometers from us (or closer, if I decide to apply for an apartment from that side of the river). Which would ease our lives greatly.
One of my great worries has been that time when Tiny goes to school and I start full-time work again. He will be seven years old, has short-ish school days and in worst case scenario he has to spend a lot of time alone. And I don't want that.
This is where having granny close by makes all the difference: she can pick him up from school and look after him before I get home.

Cost of living is also a factor. I have done some research and we would pay considerably smaller rent - and real estate is far cheaper in there than it is here in Metropolitan area.
In here I could never even dream to own my home, even less to own a house whereas in there I could actually buy a house and pay it in reasonably short period of time (in comparison to house loans in here). Which is more or less necessary as my pension won't be too good and having low cost of living would help.

I sound so middle aged. *grin*

Operational plan, part 1

In order to make coming months easier for me I have set a goal:

1. in September I can buy some stash as in September I pay the last part of my biggest amortization off.
2. In October I can get some more stash as then I also pay last part of other debt.
3. November and December I can do what I want with the money (I need clothes by then, luckily I have hoarded used clothes in bigger sizes for Tiny so he should be ok - and I know where Salvation Army's outlet store is *grin*. And AS I start studying (I have decided that I will be accepted *grin*) I need to buy a new laptop for school so I need some money for that (I plan to get some from Santa in addition to that).)

and

4. in January 2015 I start saving money to pay up one last debt that is screwing things... It should only take a year at its worst.

And I already know what I want...

I have drooled after PINN's "Ganesha - The Hindu God of Wisdom" since I first saw it few years back. I saw it stitched on fiery orangey and red hand-dyed fabric and I just knew I had to get it.
They have several Ganeshas and some day I may justify buying this Ganesha too.
It's frigg*** expensive, but.... PRETTY!

(Admittedly I have two auto ships (cheap ones, sans floss and fabric) and I have a deal with Jenna I am paying each month. More about NEW stash when I have started all my crazies.)

Why?

It dawned on me in last November that in order to get a job in the profession I am planning to get a degree of I need squeaky clean background. And by starting clearing it now it will be ok when I, hopefully, graduate. (I need to apply first. *grin*)
There is also that minor thing that I want to offer Tiny things I can not at our current financial status - which would remain the same as now would I return to my old job - and I have very lame dream to actually be able to save up the down payment, get a loan and find our *own* home for Tiny and me at some point.
But all this means that I have to count cents and prioritize heavily now and focus on my goal. (Now, when it is financially easier as toddlers aren't financially demanding... yet.)

/methinks that thyroxine helped me to grow some big balls. And I love it.
Even I can tell you that my bank account at this point is a really, really sad sight. But I think this is also helping me to lose weight, I'm buying less bad foodstuff and stitch and drink tea through the evening opposed to... finding sugar highs. And despite not having weighed myself since.... erm.... long time ago, it seems that my shape has changed slightly which should mean some lost grams.

Blast from the past

Someone commented to the first entry of my little blog yesterday and that got me into reading my divorce related entries again (well, it was after 1 am and I didn't want to sleep because my Darling is not there by my side) and noticed interesting prediction: One thing seems to be sure for me. If I found someone someday, he wont be from this country. I do not know how I know it but I just do. For some reason..." (Editorial note: please excuse my appalling lack of grammar, my tenses suck even worse then than they do now.)

 

Since the separation I did not date one single Finn (went to a date with one Finnish man though (and even he had been born and raised elsewhere), didn't work - even I rather enjoyed it (some men just have so poor taste when it comes to women )), and then eventually was found by my Darling Husband and proved myself right for good.

I had fun while reading this entry: "I need someone stubborn enough, someone with his own free will. Someone strong and reliable, who keeps what he says... " as He really is like that. Two very stubborn parties in one relationship makes it sometimes quite interesting though.

And, of course, reading those old entries also made me appreciate the fact that ex-SIL is an ex as she would have harassed me SO badly about Mr. Wonderful (ref: this) and got into such levels with her questions which would have made me just feel plain disgusted and angry. (Remembering all the nauseating questions and comments she made when I was dating Abhi (who was/ is Indian) I would almost imagine that she would have got much worse about her questions and comments regarding my Wonderful (just knowing all the idiotic stereotypes some people have about black men..)).

Anyway I have been pleased to see that I really did achieve what I hoped for: I grew up, learned to love and appreaciate myself, and eventually found a good husband: Mr. Wonderful who is really a gift from G-d.

That's all folks, see you again some other day!

Let's see...

Year ago yesterday we met for the first time, in flesh that is, as we had been exchanging emails for one month and calling to each other (or rather he had been calling me most of the time) about the same time (he was gentleman and waited until I felt comfortable giving my number, which was, even I don't know does he know, one of the positive traits in him during the getting-to-know-you process - I am shy, even no one ever believes it). I remember how excited I got when I heard that he had booked the plane tickets to visit me (only about  1½ weeks after I sent my first, response, email to him) and how slowly time passed after that.

I still remember how handsome he looked when he walked out of the baggage claim (but honestly he has only got more handsome since, I don't know how he does it), how good he smelled when we hugged, what he wore (that sky blue T-shirt just looked so good on him) and how much I wanted to touch him when we were standing in the cafeteria line at the airport before heading to, then, my place. I still remember how beautiful his smile looked and how good it felt to sit next to him, holding his hand when we sat in the taxi on our way to my place.
Little did we know that year later we would already be living together, that we had lived as man and wife for five months already. (Little did we know that we wouldn't be spending our first anniversary together, but separated by Europe - which isn't that bad as we have modern tools of communication and he is coming back home as soon as he can.)

It has been a wonderful year with my Darling Wonderful and he is a real blessing in my life. And it makes me wonder how suitable nicknames you can invent for someone you have never met and whom you only have knew few days: as Mr. Wonderful is his first nickname (which has been followed by variations of Dear) and I still do call him that, for a reason - and my intention is to call him by that name for decades to come.

(AnneR., who knows. )

Interestingly enough I realised yesterday that last, and excluding this one, only, one year anniversary I have had with someone was almost ten years ago. So, even I am commitment kind of person I haven't had long relationships (though, what does it tell? Just that I don't stay in a relationship because I "have to", I stay because I want to and because it works.)

And I have become a firm believer of online dating sites: at least one of them worked, once - and that is enough for me (funnily enough it was one which allows freeriders to contact others, too).
Apparently what they say is true: you just need to kiss enough frogs to find your prince, in our case King.

Things to get (now I only need 72 hours for a day)!

Graphs by Barbara & Cheryl - these are mostly simply awesome and there is one design I have adored in fellow stitcher's gallery, but they didn't tell me the designer or the name of the design: Jacque's View (it looks ten times better stitched).

Now we just need to win the lottery - or Mr. Wonderful has to find a very well paid job.

Ok, I am just kidding. No matter what I will continue working until we have our first child (G-d willing, knowing my health issues (prayers regarding children are welcomed - if you believe in them)).

When it comes to spirituality...

It's interesting to notice the change in me: I have and am getting more spiritual (I wouldn't say religious as I am not member of any organized religion) since Mr. Wonderful came into my life. Or maybe it's just that despite the difference in our belief bases (basically the main difference is that he considers Jesus as Messiah whereas I don't) his love for G-d is contagious, or rather helps my hidden religious side to come out because the atmosphere is accepting.

Basically that difference isn't visible in our daily life as we both avoid pork, we both avoid blood, we don't use intoxicating substances in excess (actually I am becoming an absolutist with my current interest towards alcoholic beverages), we don't believe in birth control in committed relationship (yup, kids would be very welcomed ) etc..
The visible difference comes from our backgrounds: he comes from family where G-d was part of their daily life, I come from agnostic family and I was already in schoool when I realised that religions do exist.

He has really changed my life in so many ways, but then, I got what I was praying for:  a good man to share my life and have family with, and eventually, in July 2008, he sent me a message and the rest is history.

Do I sound sappy? Good, I feel like it.

I intended to share some lovely stash in this entry, but I guess I have to do it later as I should head to bed.

The Man in my life

I am not quite sure which I should blame for not gushing about Mr.Wonderful all the time: superstition or the fact that I feel very peaceful nowadays. Or maybe it's partly both, probably I am just afraid somewhere deep in me that if I gush about him I invite bad luck and eventually lose my lovely state of mind.

And I really like this state of mind I am at: I feel balanced and hopeful. First time in long, long time I actually have a feeling of having a future and life seems easy, comfortable.
Though, fact is that we haven't had time to have real hardships (we have only knew each other since middle of July), but in my opinion living on opposite sides of Europe is a hardship - even though long distance relationship also has its advantages as we are able to appreciate the time we spend together more and we learn to communicate better as we base our communication mostly on emails.
Basically we are quite good communicators, but some extra practise never hurt anyone.

What really has surprised me is that this whole relationship feels so easy. I am not used to that so it is somewhat of a cultural shock, but I am not complaining, on the contrary. It just is difficult to understand that a relationship can actually be easy. o.O

Let me rephrase: this relationship is easy for both of us, but I am quite sure there's at least one person in my immediate family who will very likely have issues with it and therefore cause stress to me: our father. (Though, if so it's not relationship induced, it will be stupidity induced...)
Our father does know that he's British (by birth), but he may not have realized from my avatar in our family's forum (cut of our eyes from one couple picture we took before Mr.Wonderful left) that he's a man of colour (he's of Afro-Caribbean origin) and when our father realizes that... I am prepared to hear all kinds of [nasty word] from him when it eventually dawns on him.
Other possibility is that our father has realized that Mr.Wonderful is somewhat () darker than I am, but he (our father) may not realize that our relationship is serious (let me see: we love each other, it is obvious for both of us that we will get married some day, we are planning to move together soon-ish (before 2010), we are talking of kids etc. - all the things every couple is talking about after knowing each other barely two months ) despite the distance.
And when he does realize that we are intending to stay together and have that normal setting called a family he may go berzerk (I am rather surprised if he doesn't - and I know I wouldn't be the only surprised one) and let some huge, ugly frogs out of his mouth. (Though I doubt there is not enough man in our father to say what he thinks directly to Mr.Wonderful... big, muscular men, like Mr. Wonderful, tend to be scary.)

Luckily I know that those who matter wouldn't mind even if he was from Mars, had googly eyes and five legs - as long as he keeps me happy and treats me well.
It just boggles my mind how some people can be as ignorant as our father (I reserve the right to say that based on previous experiences with him): it's just pigment, not an illness.

Honestly speaking my father seems to be great inventing reasons why my partner isn't "suitable" regardless how perfect son-in-law they'd make, so it's not all about the skin... but it will give him "good" reason to dislike my SO.
But, he should also know that if he doesn't accept my better half he won't accept our kids either and therefore his changes to meet his grandkids from my side aren't very good... Though I am not quite sure is that an issue to him, as anyway, if Mr.Wonderful and I have children they are mixed and I am, unfortunately, quite sure that it's one of the things why he (our father) has had issues with my partners during last few years.

In the end it's not a problem as such. We can simply avoid dealing with him. What saddens me is that if my father is still idiot in that way he takes away the only grandfather our children will have - but I am not willing to be in good terms with him just because I want our children have grandfather: I rather stay and keep the kids away from him than give our kids grandfather who despises their father because of his ethnicity - and therefore our kids.

7 x 4

They say that life goes in cycles of seven years.

I realized that I am in the end of the fourth seven year cycle.
Maybe it is why I have been feeling lost, easily bored, found odd things from myself.

It's quite an interesting thing that seven years ago I moved to the other side of the country to study. I went there to study something I found interesting as much as I ran away from the situation Dan and I were in. It was my first attempt to leave him, or rather I wanted to see how my life would be without him. I wanted to see do I have a reason to come back to him.
I could have survived without him, but I came back for two reasons: I loved him and wanted to try for the second time and... I didn't want to live without physical intimacy. Maybe it makes me a moron.

Nowadays, few days before my third divorce anniversary... part of me doesn't want even think of being with someone, other part of me would love to be head over heels again, settle down and live in wedded bliss with kids... In its way it scares me, this all or nothing attitude I have found from myself. Or rather I have recently accepted it in me, as we know, I am a person with very passionate character and I am only contented with the highest high or the lowest low.

Though I am not sure would I like to change that in me, even it would probably make my life easier, at least it might make it easier to gain those few things I actually would love to have.

I have found myself from thinking men I once had in my life, but only those who I met after Dan, thinking of them with warmth, the good times we shared.
I don't miss them as such, but I miss the little things, the most I miss the feeling of warm skin against mine.
In theory that would be easy thing to achieve... Once just having that would have been enough, but not anymore.
With age I have collected a good deal of deal breakers and must-haves, aging has made me pickier and sometimes I worry have I got too picky, or is it just as they say: when you once have it good there's no going back.

Maybe I am, as I once thought, a love junkie. Maybe I suffer from emotional mania: only thing worth feeling is being high up in the clouds.

Our student advisor, when I was in ninth grade, said that I could be described as a person who has her feet firmly on the ground... and her head firmly up in the clouds. (I also surprised him in all the suitability tests he loved so as I was both artistic and mathematically gifted and my personality is suitable for both team work and working on my own. He decided that he can't suggest me any spesific career, but was sorely disappointed when I didn't apply for "high school", but applied to Crafts and Design School and got through the application exams well enough to be approved - there was some talk later about the basics why people were accepted and I recall hearing the words "great eye for colour".)
I think there should be one addition: my heart loves the sun up there, over the clouds, so it is either all sunshine and butterflies or nothing.

I am afraid that it makes me kind of an ass. It means that I have to be completely honest to myself, but it also means that I may change how things are in a second because even the smallest rain may drop me off of my cloud.

The interesting thing in this is that I find myself from thinking along the same lines as the other half of this shared, and in its way shattered, soul. The one I love dearly, the only person I seem to understand no matter what, but can't have because love isn't always fair. (Maybe that explains why he has been only one to be able to really knock me off of my feet to date.)
It doesn't mean that I am not over him, it just means that I have become to find life very odd thing - and in certain way I find it soothing to know that there is someone like me, spite of everything as I can't be a total ass if someone like mr. W. thinks like I do.

96 days until my 29th birthday, 96 days until the next seven years begin.

The beginning and the end

It is few seconds past 2008...

As seen last year firsts of firsts' and lasts of lasts'.

Firsts

January: As it is few seconds past 2007...
February: 1. Dye fabric for Loy Krathong, Seasonal Dragons RR and for the Hand-dyed Fabric Exchange.
March: Yes, it's official now!
April: Testing my tolerance for mushrooms with a hearty midnight snack.
May: 1. ... you get extreme high from just launching designs?
June: Appetizer: Name something you think is “the best.”
July: Three out of four (I'll reveal the secret of fourth design soon...):
August: Kristine Herber from Dragonfly Stitches is apparently having a hardanger bookmark Stitch-A-Long in her Yahoo group and guess who has expressed her willingess to join?
September: I say ... and you think ... ?
October: Sometimes you get the best of ideas when you are in fever delirium... like this one:
November: It's November already...! O_o
December:Ladies, gentlemen, goats and lifeforms from another planets, let me to introduce you a herd of homing dragons!

Lasts

January: Do I need to explain why my goaling failed this badly? *grin*
February: 7 hours, 46 minutes.
March: (It has been odd piece in a sense. I never have had a need to modify the chart while stitching (other than fix drawing errors - I do those),but I spent last night stitching it and redrawing parts of it.)
April: And all the sudden I notice that I remind myself of someone by quoting this... but I do it just because it fits.
May: It seems to me that good things are beginning to happen in certain areas of my life, and, some parts of me don't think it's a coincidence as good things began to happen after I made the decision (maybe I should begin to refer to it as The Decision...) to take a break and concentrate on important things.
June: I think it's there... now, off to make my morning coffee! (I have been up for hours, but I got this stupid idea to finish designing T3h B1g S3kr1t Pr0j3ct...it's almost done, I just need to decide between two little details and two layouts - and, of course, the floss (I'm quite sure that it will be stitched on 36 count Edinburgh flax linen).)
July: (And of course I forgot to call and book new call for another day...)
August: (Cross post from Tales from Periphaeria... I am sick so I hope you bear with me.)
September: I had some manic tootbrush fun while cleaning (i.e. all the tiny places have not just been wiped and rinsed, they have been toothbrushed),which means that I am not only getting better, but that my ADD symptoms are decreasing (- or getting worse, who knows).
October: That is why I posted about the Fang as I knew some people may miss it otherwise - I have been waiting for this design since she launched her new site so I was well prepared.
November: 0.
December: I keep it short and sweet, just to give me less space to stitch what I really want to.

It has been hell of a year: the birth of Periphaeria Designs, health issues with Neko and Ronja and my own health failing worse than ever... it has been very difficult year and I could have survived without certain parts of it, but everything happens for a reason: I am just not ready yet to understand why.

I have also learnt what real friends are and managed to let go those who just don't fill the requirements. I have learnt to stand on my own more, and I have had to learn to be less harsh for myself.
I want to specially thank Jenna (and Terry) for helping me to make Periphaeria Designs to come true faster than I anticipated, and I like to specially thank Jenna, Leena and Linda for their continuous support at the right times as I have had my share of self doubt during these months, even I haven't admitted it.
And thank you all who have been supportive on my quest, even the smallest words of support have meant and mean the world to me.

I would also like to thank the man who once was my sunshine because of the long chat we had only couple of days before the year changed.
Yes, those dreams about Sol saying that he is sorry were messages from him... saying that he is sorry for hurting me.
Sol, if you read this: thank you for everything you said. I really appreciate it.

I realised today that for a first time in ages I have the feeling of having a future, that life is not just concentrating on this moment because I can't think of the future.
I have goals, I am in process of acquiring tools to achieve my goals (I have 2nd interview for the $COMPANY in Thursday and an interview in another place in... Thursday. *grin* And the goal is clear, to add yer another continent to my Visited continents count - and acquire at least an experience, if nothing else.)

Happy New Year to you all!

May this year be prosperous in every possible way - and may stash fairies grow your stash!

Power of thought

Sometimes people who make you think cross your path.
Which has happened just lately, and his latest blog entry made me think about something. The power of your mind and how your way of thinking affects to your life. Negative vs. Positive.

As I may have mentioned I suffered from chronic, rather severe depression in my previous life. Most people would have explained it with all the bad things which have happened in my life and think that that depression was completely normal consequence.
Allow me to disagree a bit. I admit that when my depression begun it had a reason, small child has no tools to understand adult world and my depression was normal reaction for stress. (I was extremely good at hiding it, which may also prove my mental strength.) And admittedly I had several major stress factors in my life when it started and while it lasted.

I remember those times, and I remember the weight of my past. I remember how much it weighed on my whole being, on my heart, soul and mind. I also remember how no depression drug seemed to work on me...
Then I take my current self and look at her past. She has bucket loads of maneur in there, pain, darkness... but this person has no need for depression medication. She is able to look at the darkest parts of her past with no pain or distress.

I am she. She is I. And I know what made the difference.

Some years ago I realised that my past is just what it is, past, and I can't change it. I realised that it has caused me pain, but I am the one who allows it to ruin my life. I asked myself what are my options and I had only two: either to die or to teach myself to accept things as they are, let my dear pain go and learn to love myself. Let my past be what it is: past. Which meant learning to think positive sides of everything, living for today and for the future, not for the past.
As you may deduce I chose to live (I don't believe in suicide and I have never been suicidal (which actually baffled few shrinks)) and learn to accept. I chose future. And on the way I have learnt that nothing is as bad as it looks like and tomorrow is usually better day even if today it sleets.

My way has taught me my value, it made me make some difficult decisions (divorce), it has meant leaving most people from my past behind because they couldn't accept that I grew and they could not accept what I became because I became different than they are or different from what they wanted me to be.

You may understand by now why I sometimes refer to my previous life. It was my previous life in sense of being alive. This life is one worth living.

Biscornu high, life low

Let me tell you... the biscornu I'm stitching for TRN's Biscornu Exchange is going to be a real babe.
Stitched with luscious burgundy DMC on wonderful hand-dyed Belfast linen from Silkweaver, design being one of my latest brain blurbs (exchanges are wonderful way to combine models and having fun)... all this equals The Biscornu.

Anyway

I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep after this rather sh*tty day, and I remembered something I said in autumn: "coming winter will be hard one".
It is, it has been, and it'll be. And I see things happening, things which happened last year at the same time... that makes me hopeless at present, it gives me hope for better in spring, that makes me be afraid of the summer. (And still, if I could be loved like that... I might do it just for the sake of it.)
I also realised how good it was for me to have N. around, and I miss having someone like him in my life. I miss being hold when I fall asleep, being adored, having someone around, even if it was only few days per month, even if it wasn't a relationship.

But FWBs are like relationships, good ones are difficult to come by. And even I can see the good sides in being single I have moments when I hate and despise it more than anything... moments when I really doubt that I'm asking Moon from the sky.

The beginning and the end

As it is few seconds past 2007...

As seen last year firsts of firsts' and lasts of lasts'.

Firsts

January: Still alive, but very tired.
February: No pictures today (Did I hear sigh of relief?), but I've been stitching and there's some progress
March: Latest, and last issue of Stitching Olympics Gazette.
April: After threatening Christine with a whip - and I thought it was well hidden behind my back - she was nice enough to reveal April's Broaden Your Stitching Horizon theme, which is... Fantasy!
May: We've been wondering one thing for some time (once again yesterday, for example).
June: Snatched from Bea.
July: ... one breath of his hair, one kiss from his mouth, one touch of his hand, than eternity without one.
August: *throws a tantrum*
September: You remember this little fellow?
October: For reason or another blackwork didn't want to play with me today.
November: How much our choice of partner does actually affect to the success of a relationship?
December: Appetizer: Have you ever flown in a helicopter?

Lasts

January: And I don't know anything about English literature or grammar if you ask from me.
February: So, it seems to me that I haven't done anything else in February than cross stitched, whined and cross stitched some more.
March: Something good in everything - even sometimes it might be nicer to bathe in heartbreak sea instead of wade in swamps of singledom.
April: Design is a freebie (Orange tile) from Better Homes and Gardens' site
May: Now it's fit enough to type, but I wouldn't strain it more than this.
June: (As it's very much possible that my head is not completely back in order yet...)
July: I foresee angry glances from local female population as male population seems to like it...
August: And I noticed that I want 2004 JCS ornament issue... there have been quite a few adorable designs.
September: I've it, though I need new cat head if I do another (well, I've four of them sleeping around the house... ).
October: (No Panda today as I don't think I'm fit enough to hold the frame...)
November: It boggles the mind...
December: Thank you Wolf for being you.

It has been year of sorrow and joy, love and loss. It has been sweeter than sweetest nectar, it has been more bitter than most bitter of lemons... And I'm still alive. I'm still (in)sane. And I have no regrets.

Happy New Year to you all!

May this year be prosperous in every possible way - and may stash fairies grow your stash!

Models and other stitchy things

In headlines today...

I got email from that designer yesterday, and other one this morning and it seems to me that... I'll be model stitcher. And what is best, with her I can choose the pattern from given possibilities and I can keep the project when it's finished (in addition that she pays supplies and gives the pattern)! She just wants pictures from progress and finished object.

Sounds good or what?!

And... now my rotation will be very useful as by using it I can get time for my own projects while working with models.

And

I'll get more time with Panda as I won't be seeing N. this weekend. It's a pity, but there's silver lining in every cloud, which in this case is the fact that I'll get closer to finish with Panda than I'd otherwise got.

Scissor Fob Exchange

Partner info has been mailed, and I got mine. When I'll get home I'll sneak in her blog a bit and play around with possibilities. Actually I've one design in mind, and I've been planning to stitch it over one, which I've never ever done before.

The design itself is very suitable for scissor fob, but I try to find her favourite colour(s) to work it with.

It'll be fun!

Sign of addiction..?

I've noticed that I refresh my invoices from Silkweaver about every ten minutes to see is there any progress...

On blue

I found something interesting after writing my previous entry... Last depression medication prescription written to me. It's over 3½ years old. Time to celebrate, I'd say. ^^
In January 2008 I can say that I've beaten that bad, bad depression completely. Then it's five years, and that's usually the time limit (to be diagnosed completely healthy) with mental disorders.
Gosh, I begin to feel so... normal.

Ravings of a victim of jet lag; This and that - and everything else

I should write one entry considering Bangkok, but I'm too tired to do it, so I'll concentrate on other things on my mind.

Firstly:

World is odd place. I just chatted few minutes with someone who was applying to be part of my life before I got involved with Wolfie... ("You're a beautiful woman. I'm sure you'll find your soul mate." If it'd be that easy... *sighs*)
I'm not sure, but it feels that mr.X thinks that I was playing with him because I chose to concentrate on Wolfie. In certain extent that thought bothers me.

Secondly...

I seem to be interesting to certain member(s) of my family only when I'm in the brink of a relationship... Yeah, one SIL related rant again.
Since I told to my family that Wolfie and I won't be 'us' she hasn't sent me any IMs or hasn't been around in our family's IRC channel.
When I went to Bangkok, and before I told them (we (W. and I) knew it in early stage so there was some delay), she contacted (or at least tried to) me regular basis and idled around in IRC. My life was so interesting... and now, nothing.

And what's worse I'm dead sure that she has certain fetish for ethnicity, aspect of exotic (what ever it is) and... males I'm involved with. Or maybe I just get involved with way too good looking males. You never know. (Ok, I have never been involved with an ugly man, and I've to admit that last ones have been very nice to look at... *blush*)
It makes me worried because I'm quite sure that I won't end up in a relationship with a Finn in near future - or ever. I just don't seem to have anything in common with Finnish 46 XY karyotypes. (Don't ask me why. I don't know.)
It's not about not being able to trust my possible partner, but lack of trust towards my SIL...

I know she's able to cheat, and even I can't judge her because of that (being guilty for such an act myself in past) it bothers me because she's my brother's wife. And she has a good husband in many ways: he's good looking, physically fit and a good father (I'd think like this even he wasn't my brother). And the thought that she has been drooling after every man I've been involved with in past eight years makes me shiver.
The thing is that she does it very clearly, even she seems to think she's able to hide it. And it's very clear that she doesn't respect her own marriage or me... Sometimes it feels that she can't understand how I find those good looking, intelligent males being this nasty, plumpy brainiac who I am. (They come into my life because they like my brains - and looks. Because I've things to give, because I'm able to challenge them.)

What makes me worry is that I hate the feeling that my possible partner is just piece of flesh, something to show around.... a status symbol, something exciting. A possession without any value as a human being.
It makes me shiver because I'm with a person, not the looks or ethnicity (nor wealth/ social status/ profession (I just find males with good jobs *whistling innocently*)/ etc.). (Though, I admit that lately I've gotten fond of males with darker skin tone. They look healthier for some reason. And it's partly all about the attraction between opposites.)
It'd also mean that possible children of me and possible partner would be only freak show stars to my 'dear' SIL...

My honest opinion is that every single one of us should be involved with someone who's outside of our own cultural circle, just to broaden one's views of world and human race. (I can say that out of experience. Abhi taught me quite much without knowing it himself...) And to notice that no matter how we look we're all made of flesh and blood.

2½

And my father seems to think that Wolfie and I failed because of the cultural differences (in other words: It's no wonder that macho latino man can't get along with you... *SIGH* Just because he's South American by birth... ignorance is bliss, they say.).
If he only knew all the similarities we share in personal history, opinions etc.. (And my intellect wasn't a problem to him, as fact is that he fell in love with my brains.)

If my father just could get his head out of his a** for while.

Thirdly

I need to get decaffeinated from somewhere. My heart doesn't like regular coffee... after drinking decaf for a month.

Fourtly

This is not first time I hear this question in some form, but I can't stop wondering.... "What's your secret to speaking a foreign language with such exquisite beauty and poise and vocabulary that would shame 99% of people in the English speaking world?"
The thing is that I do survive with English, but I wouldn't say that my vocabulary is that good. (Though fact is that I'm able to have relationships in English and I survived last month speaking nothing else than English (and this wasn't even first time).) In my opinion I've dreadful black holes in that thing they call vocabulary....
But then.... maybe I should believe common opinion: it's not rare that people think I'm native English speaker. (Though I just don't get it. I'm not good at languages - or maybe I'm just too self-critical..)

My body has gone mad... 17 days, for crying out loud...

Well, at least overactive hormones would explain why I've been so unstable lately... Which may explain my latest slogan

The idea of you is inside me and I'm never alone. You're always there. Always.

Part of old text, written in January 2005. To you-know-who. But it has so beautiful thought in it that I just had to make that as my slogan.

I've to admit that I read everything I wrote to Sol (not emails though) in Tuesday before I left from home. Sometimes it just is good to cry. It cleansed my soul. Something destructive disappeared.

That slogan is all about hope and faith. I just don't know who that you is.

497

One more reason to dislike spring... It seems to me that every spring my body prepares to make a copy of itself, or at least it has an urge to do so.
About a month and a half (or a bit longer, I really can't recall) I've had this odd thought of making something for a child. To a child I don't have, and who I wont have in years with latest odds.

In certain sense I'm afraid that if I stitch something it'll be bad omen. And what if I never get kids?
To be honest that thought is much more scary than thought of not finding lasting relationship - which is really odd when you're talking about me as I'm so called relationship person (Even I'm QA) - hard to guess from a person who got married when she was 19?

I don't know have my (apparently) stabilized hormones something to do with this (I'd say it's very likely so), but it has never felt like I feel now. I've had similar feelings years ago when I left birth control pills, but after it nothing even close to it, and it was not this intense feeling...

I've to say that idea of being a single mother has never been very fascinating, but lately my opinions have changed. Who says that I can't enjoy family life if I don't have a man on my side? I don't really want to give that much power to anyone when it comes to my life and my dreams.
If there aren't males who can take me as I am does it have to mean that I've to live childless life? I don't really think so.

But the problem is... my PCOs. And fact of wanting relatively good genes for the child so I just can't pick up some random bystander... Not to mention it'd be against my principles anyway.

'It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness.'

I think I'm ready now.

I'm ready to write about something which happened in the end of November... or more what are the facts of my life at the moment. I don't know. I don't in fact even know why I'm writing this as it feels bit awkward, but then I do know that it makes it easier to handle. Writing has always been my best friend.

This is 93rd entry about Sonnenschein, and it may be the last entry about him - though we never know what future brings.

After 10½ months of waiting he decided that

1. he needs time to think
2. he needs time to find himself
   and
3. we need a stand-by.

Three hours later Dan was sitting in the train and coming to see me. He did most precious thing anyone has ever done for me, as a friend. He stayed with me four days. He slept his arms around me to make me feel better, and he woke up in the middle of the night just to talk with me. He was there when I needed. And I hope he knows how much I appreciate it.

And now I've decided to live (I haven't been suicidal in any way in years so I don't mean it like that. (Don't I sound like a stable person?) I mean that other way to "have a life".).

If my love is not enough for someone, then it isn't. It's not me being not enough for him, apparently he just wasn't worth (as he has said himself in old days) my love.
If you're too afraid to jump to get what you dream of, then you just have to blame on yourself. I was ready to jump from highest cliff because of my love, and therefore I have nothing to regret. And I know I don't need to cry after lost changes. I'm not the one who has lost or will lose.

Human heart is surprisingly durable. It yields. And life just goes on.

And no need to worry about me. I'm not depressed. I love my life and tomorrow is always a new day.

So, I really am dancing on thorns of crimson roses. Dancing like no one's watching. And loving every painful minute of it.

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity."
Gilda Radner

So, Dan left few hours ago. It was nice to see ("see"... he was here over three weeks ) him, but it's also great to be alone at home. In fact I should do some cleaning as... who knows, maybe I'll have someone to drop by some day. (As I may have mentioned: my life has been odd last 1½ months, and New Year's Eve was interesting.) Have to see about that though, but anyway it wouldn't hurt to do some cleaning.

I also found little something which seems to help with my PCOs related pains: rooibos. I have rooibos which is spiced with vanilla and it's absolutely delicious (if beverage can be that)(and as I ate some chicken I couldn't drank coffee as I drink my coffee with milk. Rooibos just needs some sugar with it and yummy).

When it comes to my VE item I've stitched about 1/3 of it. I'm surprised how nice it looks like as I changed colours of the flosses of original design, and those ones I use are quite 'candyish', but they look good together and IMO are just right ones for Valentines Day.

Btw, have I mentioned that this year will be great? Don't know why, but I just feel like it.

Some goals for 2006

Stitching goals for year 2006
• I should finish Dan's chess board some day
• 'Welcome' sign for my mom (from Vermillion Stitchery's Fantasy Bears series. Gnome to be exact, as she loves gnomes.)
• Finish (and send) all current and to-be exchange items in time
• Stitch few thingies to my 'adoptee' in Germany
• Try some freebie from Châtelaine
• Then there's Passione Ricamo's 'Topiary Sampler' which lacks 2½ seasons
• 'Silhouettes' SAL @EMS BB
• 'Best Friends' SAL @Linabear BB
• Stitch Devil Bear's sister Angel Bear
• Find suitable flosses and fabric for 'Alter Echo' sampler, decide will I translate it from English to Finnish (if so, translate it) and stitch it

General goals
• Enroll to university of Helsinki, which means:
  • Save enough money to be able to buy admission exam books in time
  • Contact that vocational institute I graduated from and ask few copies of my diploma (Yes, I have lost it...)
  • Purchase books in time
  • Make a studying schedule
  • Stick in that schedule
  • Keep my life clean from relationship related problems
• Exercise - when possible
• Contact rabbi (finally... procrastination is bad habit of mine)
• "Don't be so harsh on yourself"