It's so wonderfully relaxing to go to an early dinner with a male person of human species just because, and not because you are on a date.

The food was good, as was the company, and neither of us didn't pay a dime.

About Wolves and Demons

I saw my kindred soul online earlier today (actually yesterday) and initiated chat with him. It was first time in ages, but it felt like it had been yesterday when we met last time (15th of July, 2006 ~21:20).
We had a chance to say many things we haven't said, and admit few things we both still carry with us (after admitting it to him I can admit it openly: I still think of him, often, and he "returns" the favour). I dare to say that we both still love each other, and will always love. Sometimes kindred souls just can't be together because they are too alike.

I have been thinking about it since I came back from Bangkok and today I found words for it. The reason why we could not be is that we are parts of one soul which has been divided, and because of that we are, as Finns put it, like shirt and butt. We think same things on the same time, we get what other one means from half a word, and we adore each other... because we are so alike. Because we see, despite the difference of age/ origin/ sex/ history/etc. which should make us so different ([redneck] European woman in her twenties and Southern American man in his very late thirties can't possibly have anything else in common but sex... [/redneck]), ourselves in other. Because in each other we have someone who understands and does not judge.
Being so alike has probably been the reason why we fell in love (anyone remember this?). Our souls found their half and they wanted to stay, but this soul of ours consists of two alike power fields and in core level they can't be together. Or, to put it how it is, they can love each other only from distance.

That is the curse of some kindred souls. That is also our blessing in certain way.

Then, to the fatalist view: we met because we had to.
The thing is that I had just got over a breakdown after Sol dumped me in not-so-very-brave manner and W. had been broken by someone he had loved. (Something I can never understand: how someone dares to hurt someone so kind? Though, that may be the reason...)
As I have say he changed me to better way, he changed my viewpoints to certain things or broadened them. And Wolf... well, it took Hellfire, one Demon and couple of months of Demon's fiery love to get him back to the land of the living. To unfroze him, as he put it.
We met because we had to melt each other. To show each others that there is still hope in human kind. (You may have noticed that I don't call myself a misanthrope anymore?)

This connection between us will probably be threat to many, and it may cause problems whenever either of us finds a relationship. It takes a strong person to accept that two lovers can evolve to be friends who still love, adore and respect each other deeply.

On related, but slightly lighter note: I also heard that I am living proof of that beauty and intellect can appear simultaneously in one person. Though, it also makes me a paradox, I heard.
Nevertheless I can't help, but smile to that. We have to remember that he lived with me a month and he has seen more of me than most people will ever see... He also saw that person I was last year. If you ask from me I have matured to better since...

 

It was a good evening.

P.S. It seems to me that my Portuguese lessons may actually continue some day (beware, I will be fluent in Brazilian Portuguese any day now *grin*).

Ask and ye shall receive...

It was only day before yesterday when I drooled over Les marquoirs d'école and today I received a big envelope from a well-wishing friend... guess what it contained?

Ten points: one (1) copy of Les marquoirs d'école! Am I one happy camper now or what?!

In addition to that I realised today that one of the things close to perfection is 40 count cream Newcastle linen. Here presented with some glorious flosses.

Ponderings

How much our choice of partner does actually affect to the success of a relationship? In the end, I mean.
I can't understand how certain people fail over and over again (most of them people who really would be worth having a good relationship) no matter how selective or accepting they try to be.

I wonder about this now and then, but I had a little chat with an old (14 years and counting) friend of mine in Sunday morning and something he said made me sad...
"Let's see how long this relationship lasts..." is not a sentence you want to hear from anyone, even less from a person who has just met someone, even less from a friend who'd be, in my opinion, worth of having something lasting - finally.

I've known him for fourteen years and during that time he has been like I am: in and out of love, continuously. Everything he touches seems to be doomed to break.
...Everything I touch seems to be doomed too. Maybe that is why we have stayed in touch for that long.

I'm beginning to think that it really is all about luck, and some of us just don't have any...

Lovebirds

After hiding the truth from my dear readers for so long I can now reveal my latest finish, and what's even more important, wish all the luck for those two who I made it for... Congratulations once again Selina and Andy! I hope all the best to your life together, and wish that all your dreams will be fulfilled!
*gets a hanky* I'm getting old and mushy... (I admit that I was as excited for them than I'd been if I had been one getting married. *grin*) *sighs* And then to second most important thing...

• Design: Be My Valentine, freebie.
• Designer: Laura Gabutti Lattuada from Passione Ricamo.
• Fabric: Lullaby, hand-dyed from Silkweaver.
• Ribbon: White silk.
• Design boo-boo: Bird in right side has incomplete backstitching in it's wing. (In my finished ornament it's fixed.)
• Pictures: Finished ornament, detail, close shot.

And I'm quite proud of the card too. Simple, but nice.

Good morning

Well, I drank that d**ned wine which caused me hangover last time (not this time though, for some odd reason). I drank it just because, even it wasn't expensive, I paid it... and as I don't cook for myself very often (and last time I cooked to someone else I cut to my nail with a knife and now my once beautiful thumbnail is an ugly stump ) it was only way to destroy it.
Anyway, it made me think. N. said that the wine is "too" sweet, and in my opinion it wasn't and this lead me to think of hormones... Estrogen affects in many ways and one of its effects is better sense of taste - which explains the difference between N.'s and my opinion about the wine.
But... Last time I drank that same wine it tasted much sweeter. It can be explained with vintage etc., but still it made me ponder could it just be about my hormone levels? As it has been about two years (bit less) since I drank that particular wine, and last time it tasted much sweeter... Just thinking aloud, nothing else.

And then, as I can't sleep very well when I've alcohol in my blood stream I was unable to reach mr. Sandman, and returned to living room... to window shop *grin* and got surprised by, yes you guess who, Sol once again. I don't know what I should think of this sudden interest towards contacting me... but then, I think it was me who's always said how she believes in friendship after a relationship... Me and my big mouth.
But it makes you think of all sorts of things. Not that anyway, no worries - "luckily" I've other things to worry about, no need for any more issues.

One of my favourite peeves...

Is that group of people who excuse their usage of slang and dreadful language (ya all know wad i mean) with "I'm not native English speaker". Well hello, I'm not either. When in school my English grades were always D or D+ tops, and English is not official language in here... still, I use it daily: I date in English, I get involved with English, I blog in English, I communicate with friends and most of the world with English so I get all the practise I need.
It's all about just having some stamina, it's all about the will to improve. I'm not saying I'm perfect and I admit I've had my Chatnglish phase back in dark past, but we can learn from our mistakes, can't we?

And still, I know there are people who think I'm elitistic b*stard because I let them know from the start that bad language hurts my eyes. But I can't help it, languages shouldn't be mutilated like they do - though I love to play with words, but there is slight difference between playing with and, excuse my French, tentacle raping languages.

When it comes to tentacles...

Talking of tentacle raping, world has come to its end: Unka Ghastly doesn't draw anymore - for non-defined period of time, at least.
It was fun as long as it lasted, all the best for Unka G. *sighs*

One of the best lines, ever

Goo-Goo Dolls' Iris has been echoing in my head few days so I gave up and now I have been listening City of Angels' soundtrack for few hours, and I just had to check can I find one Nicholas Cage's line from movie in question... I did, here it is:

• "I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One."
  (Seth, City of Angels)

One of the best lines is movie history, if you ask from me, as it's so true.

That's only movie ever which I can't watch without crying in the end. Or during it. Really interesting movie in that sense. And if I recall correctly purchasing it was kind of an accident. It has been bought only because of my attraction towards mr. Cage.
Must-see if you're into crying and unhappy endings.

In fact I tried to sleep, but this soundtrack has kept me awake reminiscening and thinking. Mostly thinking.
And then I had to rise up because my blood sugar got low... and in a way it was good that I woke up: I got email which cheered me up. Sometimes you just got to love humans, at least some of them.

Btw,

I kitted MSAL (I lack few skeins, but they're coming to me before February 15th) and I can only say that those colours are delicious. Strong, muted(?) shades.

/me likes.

'It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness.'

I think I'm ready now.

I'm ready to write about something which happened in the end of November... or more what are the facts of my life at the moment. I don't know. I don't in fact even know why I'm writing this as it feels bit awkward, but then I do know that it makes it easier to handle. Writing has always been my best friend.

This is 93rd entry about Sonnenschein, and it may be the last entry about him - though we never know what future brings.

After 10½ months of waiting he decided that

1. he needs time to think
2. he needs time to find himself
   and
3. we need a stand-by.

Three hours later Dan was sitting in the train and coming to see me. He did most precious thing anyone has ever done for me, as a friend. He stayed with me four days. He slept his arms around me to make me feel better, and he woke up in the middle of the night just to talk with me. He was there when I needed. And I hope he knows how much I appreciate it.

And now I've decided to live (I haven't been suicidal in any way in years so I don't mean it like that. (Don't I sound like a stable person?) I mean that other way to "have a life".).

If my love is not enough for someone, then it isn't. It's not me being not enough for him, apparently he just wasn't worth (as he has said himself in old days) my love.
If you're too afraid to jump to get what you dream of, then you just have to blame on yourself. I was ready to jump from highest cliff because of my love, and therefore I have nothing to regret. And I know I don't need to cry after lost changes. I'm not the one who has lost or will lose.

Human heart is surprisingly durable. It yields. And life just goes on.

And no need to worry about me. I'm not depressed. I love my life and tomorrow is always a new day.

So, I really am dancing on thorns of crimson roses. Dancing like no one's watching. And loving every painful minute of it.

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity."
Gilda Radner

Weekend undo

My ex was here four days, today I gave him a goodbye hug first time after 31st of July 2004 - before this weekend our relationship suffered post-traumatic stress or something... This weekend changed our relationship into better direction.
At least I've done something well in my life and that success has been choosing my ex-husband well. I can't say anything else as things shouldn't be like this after our quite bitter separation process and with our history.

I feel stable, calm, peaceful even I shouldn't. I feel good because someone listened me, because he listened me (as (to sound bit odd once again) he is only person who really seems to get me without explanations, though he has lived with me over five years in past, so maybe he learnt something).
It's great feeling when you know that someone is there if you need to talk, or if you need a shoulder to cry on. And boy we had fun also.
And cats enjoyed to see him again, and that can't be underrated as well-being of my cats is important to me.

In a way it's silly that my future hasn't been this blurry in ages and still my future is quite clear. At least I can believe in future and it's clarity even nothing is sure at this very moment.