Remember this?

Well, it seems that if nothing else we'll have something in common: adult play dates at my place. *grin*

We have been talking at Facebook occasionally as we have both been incredibly busy, but last two nights our conversations have been such that physical relationship between us can't be avoided. And well, why should it?

I have started to feel amazingly amazing thanks to our conversations - and that's a lot after all that complaining and bitching Mr. Formerly Wonderful did. Not to mention how incredibly unsexy and insane he made me feel...

And all the sudden I am called sexy, hot, intelligent, good mother and so on. By someone who has met me. By someone who has followed me on FB for couple of months.

It doesn't sound like a big deal, I know, but after everything Mr. Ex-W. said, did, left unsaid and undone it is a lot.
All the sudden I am not that lazy ass, fat, lying, messy and unreasonable bitch, but someone who has brains and soul, and a body to desire. Body with all that excess fat and drooping breasts, with stretch marks and dry skin. Body that is beautiful regardless.

And I am taking the leap of faith again, because I need that now. Even if nothing comes out of it, but reminding me how wonderful I am.

And my body needs to be touched again, after such a long time.

Writer's Block: Online relationship shopping

Ok, this is an old WB, so what?

 

 

Oh, this is just the question for me: within last 12 years I have met all my partners, and men I have had crush for, online (that makes one ex-husband (Dan), one FWB (N.), three significant (let's say Men I could have considered marrying (I actually proposed Sol back in 2005 - yes, I did. )) others (Abhi, Sol and Wolfie) and my dear common-law husband, Mr. Wonderful).

Unfortunately I can't say how it has changed the way people in general meet and form relationships, I can only tell my own experiences.

First of all it is much easier for me to talk to strangers online: I am dreadful at small talk with strangers and I actually don't like it much, even I am slowly getting better at chit-chat. It is also much easier to talk about serious issues because you get time to think what you say and how you react to what other person says to you - and I rather type than talk because I am much more eloquent in typing (and I tend to stutter occasionally when I talk).

All this typing talk also makes it possible to get to know people without knowing how they look like which enables better view of the person as whole when you see how they look.
I am also quite modest about my looks due my background (once an ugly ducking, always an ugly duckling - at least in some level) and the general beauty aspect in West, even I have been constantly told how stunning I am last years, and I rather let people know who I am, not how I look like.
Well, "of course" I use wrong tense here. Many things have changed as nowadays I really don't even want complete strangers to know how I look like or what I think of - excluding Facebook. *grin*

I would say that in certain level meeting online probably lessens the importance of looks, but being honest looks have been imporant issue for me for few years: looks tell something about person's health and lifestyle, and eyes are the mirror of the soul.

I remember when I got the first message, at that infamous dating site, from Mr. Wonderful: first thing I did, after reading His message, was to check His pictures and after that His written profile. (Truth to be told is that if I had read His profile without reading His message or seeing His gorgeousness I would probably have left His message unanswered - and life would be much different from what it is now.)
He was a good-looking man (He has since evolved to be Amazingly Gorgeous (with capital letters, yes)) and His message just made me write back - and here we are going strong, 18 ½ months after that day.

So, looks did matter, but wasn't the only thing. One of the major factors was that He was employed: I admit being nasty that way, but after Dan I simply couldn't consider man who doesn't have a job, as in my opinion man has to be The Man, not just a man, and be able to take care of his family. (Mr. Wonderful thinks the same and it pains Him not to be able to finance our little family at the moment (as He lost His job last year - which has had also positive effect in our lives though).)

In general man's financial status has never had much impact in my heart's ways: but oddly enough in post-Dan life the men in my life have been, how would I say it, financially well-to-do.

So, it is not one thing, or two things. Or one or two things which you don't agree upon. It is the bigger picture.
I found Man with intellect, good looks, strong values (even I don't agree with all of them I respect them), desire for getting married and having children, treating His Lady like the Queen and will to succeed in life. And the most amazing smile.

The thing is: eventually you are the only one who defines how finding someone works for you and what traits you emphasize in others, whether you do it on- or offline. You just need to know what you really want.

What if I weren't myself?

I have probably wondered about this issue before, but it has been on my mind lately and a short chat with N. brought it so close to the surface that I can't stop thinking of it.

People often wonder why someone like me is single, I have heard that I am the ultimate woman (which is interesting knowing that he knew that I classify myself as a female androgyne - I believe what he said though and I know he meant it) and all that... I don't doubt a moment that they meant what they said. Which probably makes it even harder...

As I can't understand how someone who seems to be close to perfection (based on the peer feedback (I can list "few" flaws in myself very easily - I'm far from perfect)) in eyes of many just can't find what she's looking for - or when she finds it can't keep it.

Maybe it's the claimed perfection being too scary, maybe it's the claimed perfection which is so imperfect in me that I alienate even those I could love or who care for me.
It can't be the looks of me as I know that even I am not what is, acclaimedly, generally considered as hot I am it and much more... maybe it's the looks and intellect combo which intimidates people, but I can't change who I am - and I don't want to.
Maybe I am just too depraved to be actually be interesting even though I know that my level of kinkiness would keep most people entertained for the rest of their lives... that I am the dirty dream of most straight/bi/whatever men.

Thoughts have their own merry-go-round in my head and they make me dizzy. They also make me sad, because I can't find the answer to my questions, because things got blurrier the more I think of them.

Maybe there's nothing in wrong with me, maybe it is the world which is crazy. Maybe it's my karma or maybe I am just so absolutely impossible... I'd love to know what is in wrong with me or the Universe.

Scent of a woman and other notions

It's interesting how some things grow on you.

My latest growth is Tom Tailor's New Experience ("female version").
I got a small sample bottle of it when N. bribed me last autumn (ok, it was a gift because I am so best *grin*) with CK's Be and now when the bottle (New Experience, Be is still alive and well) is officially empty I have got hooked to NE even I didn't like it at all when I tried it for the first time. O_o
Fortunately it seems to be rather reasonably priced so I can actually afford to buy it without finding another sugar daddy... (Not that I would mind a good quality sugar daddy... any takers? )

The interesting thing is that I am known as a person who can say do I like some scent just by looking at the bottle - and, even though NE's bottle is rather simplisistic I could never have guessed that I will like it.
Probably one of the reasons is... the colour. "Red scents" are usually rather teeny, and I haven't used any of the reds (scentwise) since I was... 13. (I exclude Jõvan (absolutely wonderful slightly flowery musk) because it has red/green bottle.)
I moved to black bottles i.e. very mature scents when I was sixteen and I have enjoyed my life in that category until now (by the way, Be is also in black bottle)...

Apparently this is part of the change I am going through. I have noticed lately some physical changes in me which shouldn't appear at this age... for example my nose is getting narrower and that shouldn't happen in mature age of 28 without surgeon's kind assistance.

Not that I am complaining, I have never liked my nose because it has been more of my father's nose (i.e. wide) than my mother's nose (narrow) and now I quite pleased with how it looks like (though I could still give few millimeters back to mother Nature).
In general I am becoming more and more alike my mother when time passes - which is all good (I can say that I have another 28 years left before I begin to look old in any sense - and probably longer as I take better care of my skin that my mother (one of those great traits in women of my family: we mature early, but still we stay young longer)).

Rewriting stories and ranting

Maybe it is just the fact that I am not a morning person, maybe it's phase of my cycle... maybe it is the fact that this world is dreadful place for an intelligent woman... even worse when you happen to enjoy of an advantage called looks.

Ugly duckling developed to a beautiful swan, but no one never asked was that swan happy in the end. Was the swan happier than the duckling because others though it was beautiful? Or was the duckling happier in the end because those who liked it liked it just because it had something to give personality wise? Tell me that mr. Andersen.

I was that duckling, and sometimes I can't help but miss it... life was so much easier.

I got some sort of enlightenment (even I have know it for ages) while reading The Cannibal Galaxy in bed last night (first one from my TBR list down *rolls eyes*): normal is the thing people want (even it makes them unhappy), hence they also act in ways which are considered normal.
To me there is no normal, it's a term created by society because people don't know how to spell common. And what makes it even more sad is that most people don't seem to be able to grasp the difference between normal/ common and absolute truth.
There are no absolute truths, there is no thing as normal (to continue....there's no unnatural (if something exists in nature it can't be unnatural, just less common)).

This place we live in makes sometimes so dreadfully sad. Even the stories you grew with don't bear closer inspection without losing their idea.

What bothers me most...

...in this dating game is the fact that I am just another pretty face. No matter who I really am, no matter what kind of personality I have or how intelligent I am only thing which seems to be important in me is the way I look.

Sometimes it's a burden to have a cute face. This is one of those phases.
And moments like this make me really miss certain someone. Someone I met 364 days (364 days, 15 hours - and they say I have odd memory?) ago, someone whom I "lost" almost nine months ago... I miss him because he loved me for the right reasons, because he saw my worth... because he still seems to think that I am someone wonderful... (Admittedly that is bittersweet... we don't hate each other, but respect, and in some odd way even adore...)

I know, good things etc. come when their time is, but I can't help feeling sad because of people are what they are - or that my personality type is so rare (2%< of whole population) that only few understand it... nor love me because of it.
Sometimes I think have I already used my quota for this life...

As I have said, one of the reasons why I'd love to find one of those precious jewels is that I need a muse. In addition to muse I need a critic, supporter (mentally)... and someone who smiles at me when I wake up just because I am best thing in his life... *deep sigh*

Gothic snowballs, dirty little secrets and SIL

After almost finishing first of the snowballs I decided to ditch what I had done and restart. This time I'll work straight from the original instructions.
But next time when I'm planning to knit plain, please, do come and hit me with a halibut - though... I have four planned projects (small) which will be knitted as plain knit...

One is insane, no doubt about that.

On something completely different.

Those of you few who know more about my personal history this is not a surprise, and I can hear you snort "Oh yeah, that's so not new..."
I confirmed it in Friday, though I have seen the signs of it long, long time... I seem to have a fetish for Indian men.
I know, it sounds stupid and awfully narrow-minded, but what can one do? What can you do when local men just don't do it for you? (And, admittedly, during last two and a half years my only short distance anythings have been with men of Indian origin...)
Lady is not made of wood, you know.

Though, I'm not saying that I don't find men of European origin (I hate word Caucasian, and as most "whites" in Northern America are also of European origin...) attractive, it just doesn't happen very often.

And then... something else...

My beloved SIL, oh yes... I think I have made despising her a hobby of mine.

Today she wanted to be helped on two issues (she only seems to come to our IRC channel when she needs something (can we say a leech?)):

1. recipe for tortillas,
2. help with English, as BBB (Brother-by-Blood *grin*) had passed out (in Finnish that refers usually to drunken state passing out... O_o) and she had to (you never have to do anything, you know) communicate with someone in English.

The thing is...

1. They have cook books (they have extremely good series of them which our mother has given to BBB as his graduation gift - and additional parts when they got married (we all have got both of the series)), they have internet (and I assume hope that either one of them is actually able to read and/or write)... and she's too lazy to consult those books they have, even they most likely are the closest, and easiest source of information. She refuses to use Google, as apparently typing word tortilla would be so amazingly difficult...
   She's almost 32 and she still needs someone to think for her.

2. I still remember how certain SIL of mine said to me that she does not need to know any English. (Though she also assumed in that same sentence that I know English just because I want to date "exotic men"... w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l. (Can we say active ignorance?))

I also happened to mention about the latter to her, and, surprisingly she gave /quit command quite soon after it. (Quite properly my last line before it was Boa noite e sonhos bonitos. (As I tried to remember what is Good night in Hungarian, but remembered only the Portuguese equivalent...) How did she knew what it meant?! *grin*)

Half-broken things, part II

I've had air pressure and sleep deprivation induced migraine today, and even I have done nothing to prove my existence (blogging doesn't count) my brains have processed information and experiences.

While I was putting my make-up on before going to grocery I glanced at the mirror and realised something... every time something hurts me I get more beautiful, in my own eyes if not anyone else's (though it seems to me that it works for general public too). It seems to me that I'll begin to bloom after my thirtieth birthday, and I'll age beautifully (good genes, thanks mom).
And what made me realise all that was that when I looked at myself I found myself beautiful even with those huge bags I've under my eyes at the moment. I looked older than I am, older than I look when I'm well rested, and still I liked what I saw.

Previous Eureka! came to me in Bangkok, during phase it maybe "shouldn't" have. Few days after that day I stood in front of bedroom mirror while adding moisturizer on my skin, saw myself from the mirror and saw myself in completely new light.
I've liked my body for years, but at that moment I realised that I really love every inch of it, every gram of it. And that I really have good body, no matter what general aspect of beauty is.
Though I still have to admit that there are few who have helped me to see myself as I am, as I see myself now, and I'm thankful for them. It has not been easy and it's not easy to be BBW in this world, or at least in Western world. (Fact: I never felt big in Bangkok even according to stereotypes I should have... I fit in.)

They call it...

FWB (Friend(s) With Benefits).

I admit it (again), I am not ready to have a relationship. I'm an emotional wreck (as there really is something broken in me, I need to find out what, when it broke and how to fix it) and I need to give time for myself. I need to find a focus for my life. I need to give some time for my soul to heal.
But, I am also a physical being with needs and that is when FWB marches in. Most who know me would never believe that I'd get into FWB, but it has happened before, and apparently it happens when there's (hidden) need for it and suitable (read: tempting) counterpart.

Joys of adulthood: as long as it's legal it's really up to you what you do with your life. And it seems to me that I've decided to sit on two chairs at the same time even it is something I don't usually do.
Honestly speaking, I like the idea, now. What I think about it tomorrow is different story, but... regret is not my thing.

Btw

It has been week of surprises, and they keep on coming: Wolfie IMed me today. (Though he still has connection problems so it was just a little while.) It made me smile as I realised I fell for him for all the right reasons. And the thought itself healed something in me.

What's the thing behind my obsession for my looks?

Some mental exhibitionism again! I'll tell you why I'm so obsessed with my own looks. As I know it's odd in a way because I'm not interested of looks in general - being personality and intellect obsessed person and all...

Well, I was cute kid. At least I had nice smile, that's all I know from the pictures I've seen about myself. Then I got a bit older, which means in this case about age to get to school (we go to school approximately seven years old in here)... As far as I know I was always bit plumpy even as a kid (my diet has been under control as long as I can remember, which means very long time), but in 6-7 years old I apparently begun to get more weight. Silly thing is that now I know it was just having first visible signs of my PCOS... (Most of us have naturally more fat tissue in abdominal area than non-PCOS woman - even if we are normal build, which I'm not)
Anyway, I was teased at school because I was that fat kid, and to make it even worse school nurse yacked about my weight every time she saw me (in the end I refused to go to yearly checks), and my mom thought it was good idea to keep me on low-calorie diets on regular basis... very many no-nos there, but that's all about it now (I've ranted about that before).

We all realize how good something like that is to pre-teen or teen who has enough to cope with just growing up (and in my case there were other things to worry also - it has to do with my family and time before my parents finally divorced). So, I grew up to believe that I'm more or less disgusting (it's not right word though, but close enough). In a way it was good as I learned to appreciate personality instead of pretty face.

Time went on, and I moved 350 kms from home to study (at age of 16) and that turned everything upside down.
All the sudden I was wanted, I was a desirable woman. But... I was only a body to begin with, and it lead me to hate myself. Not as a person, but to hate my body. And I've to admit that I've wanted to be uglier to be appreciated as myself and not as pretty face, nice ass and good pair of breasts....

I tried to be happy with what I got... and there was a phase where I appreciated myself only as a physical being, and not a person. As it seemed to me during that time that you can't be intelligent and relatively good-looking.

But then I met (guess who?)... Dan, and he taught me that I can be loved as a person, as brains and as a good body and cute face. That all of those things in me were good things. (In fact I'll always remember one thing he has said about that moment when he saw me for the first time: You were so beautiful and stylish when I saw you - and I doubted am I worth you. Worth of that classy lady.)

Then we travel in time few years and get to present.

If you ask from me I'd say that it has took 26 years from me to mature to that person I am, physically (I don't mind those excess kilos I carry around. They could vanish, but I don't consider myself ugly because I'm overweight - and some people don't consider me being one... (I think you all have guessed at least one person from that group.) Only part I dislike in me is my nose, but then it's my nose and I wouldn't look like me without it. I'd say that I love certain parts of my body which many, many normal weighed women hate in themselves... but once again, I've to thank Dan for adoring those parts (my stomach and hips) and taught me to love all of me). I've become me just lately. Before it I knew that image in mirror wasn't what I should look like... (And I look dreadful in pictures of me....before last year or so.)
And what happened yesterday was first time when I like my image when I see it from somewhere else than my bathroom mirror. Same thing happened today, so I think it'll last. And I so hope it does. I love to feel this good. I've never been high (never tried drugs, see), but I think it feels like this.

I still fight, and I think I've to do it for some decades still, with idiots who cannot understand that cute face may hide working brains and pedantic, analytic character. There's always price to pay, and this is mine.

Jenna, no need to envy my self-confidence. It can be a burden sometimes too - and there are days when I've none (fortunately those days are very rare nowadays). But I don't doubt a second that you couldn't do the same, or even better. It's just long and rocky path, but worth it in the end. (Loving yourself is the hardest kind of love based relationship.)
I think this is suitable quote to end this part of this entry:

"Depression does tremendous damage. Use every ploy you can think of to bring yourself to joy."
(Rebbe Nachman of Breslov)

Btw,

in case you're interested of what I'm listening right now, my profile has that data too nowadays. It looks like this

Attack of the Ego

I surprised myself today, or more like shocked.

On my way home I glanced train window (in fact it was window between vestibule and compartment) and saw this good-looking, almost gorgeous woman... and realized that she was me.

I really don't wonder why people seem to wonder sometimes when I speak fluent Finnish without accent (though I may have slight Russian accent sometimes)... I really don't look "native".

I'm so in love with myself at this moment, therefore I think it's all about that for now. Otherwise I'll just repeat myself.

'Cross Stitcher' anyone?

As cashier guessed yesterday (when I bought latest issue of Cross Stitcher because I hadn't received my copy (publishing date was 28th of October))... My CS copy came today.
So, if anyone is in need of one (I opened my purchased copy so it's not in plastic cover anymore, but it's otherwise fine) contact me.

Issue 167 contains following patterns and free gift

• Stitcher's Diary for year 2006 ("free" gift)
• Tatty Teddy and Snowman
• Winter Topiary from Sheila Hudson
• Christmas Clock by Sharonlee Holder
• Robin by Lesley Teare
• 12 Days of Christmas series's part three, by Margaret Sherry
• Betlehem by Diane Machin
• Winter Cards by Caroline Palmer
• Christmas Sampler by Karen Brittan

Silkweaver.

My Silkweaver order arrived. It had two good ones, one which is almost good just because it's linen and one Jobelan... PINK! Fortunately it is small piece, but PINK! Apparently I need to get some history with them to get more suitable fabrics.
Anyway, this is what I got (+rating):

• Cobblestone; 28 count Cashel Linen ****
• Inspiration; Hand dyed 32 count opalescent Lugana ***+
• Spring; 28 count Cashel Linen (18x26) **+
• Honeysuckle Pink; 28 count Jobelan * (just because it's 28 count Jobelan)

... pink and light green... oh my.

And in addition I ordered SBTS':

• #125 Flame Scallop *****
• #161 Pink Featherduster **

#161 wasn't as nice as it looked, but as with that pink fabric... I think I may have opportunity to forward those to someone who appreciates those.

Something else.

I may be hallusinating, but it seems to me that my torso has feminized lately (like I'd been very masculine to begin with. ) as my waist line looks different and my hip's shape seems to be rounder.

I've new teen age or something? I just hope that my bra size wont grow...

50 Items That Should Change the World

From here.

"Seven million American women and 1 million American men suffer from eating disorder. Most common is anorexia, whose psychological nature wasn't uncovered till early 20th century. Top fashion models now weigh 25% less than the average American woman. Average Hollywood starlet now wears an American size 2 dress on the red carpet -- which has the same measurements as a dress made for a ten-year-old girl."

You read it right "...same measurements as a dress made for a ten-year-old girl.". And it's not that much better in here, in good old Europe.

Here's complete 'list':

1. The average Japanese women can expect to live to be 84. The average Botswanan will reach just 39. During the Roman Empire, life expectancy was just 22 years; 1500 years later, it reached 33; now, Japense have the highest life expectancy that is predicted to increase. In Central and South Africa, though, US Census Bureau predicts a drop in life expectancy in 51 countries ... primarly because of the HIV/Aids pandemic. [ more ]

2. A third of the world's obese people live in the developing world. Obesity related conditions cost the US $118 billion in the 1990s, more than double the $47 billion attributable to smoking. The type of diet we intake is cited as the chief cause.

3. The US and Britain have the highest teen pregnancy rates in the developing world. For every 1,000 American women aged between fifteen and nineteen, there was 52.1 births, compared with 2.9 in Korea and 4.6 in Japan. UNICEF indicates that a key factor in reducing teen pregnancies is equipping young people to make informed choices.

4. China has 44 million missing women. For every 100 baby girls born in China in 2000, there were 116.8 baby boys. In China and India, sex-selective abortions are illegal but still common. China's 'one child' policy has meant that many births go unreported; these unregistered children won't be able to, for example, go to school or receive state-funded healthcare.

5. Brazil has more Avon ladies than members of its armed services. 450,000 personnel on active service, and 700,000 revendadoras (a.k.a. Avon ladies). Global beauty market is $95 billion and growing 7% every year. Avon's own reserach shows that 90% of Brazilian women considered beauty products to be a necessity, not a luxury. [ more ]

6. Eighty-one percent of the world's executions in 2002 took place in just three countries: China, Iran and the USA. Gallup poll in 2003 showed that 74 percent of Americans support capital punishment for those convicted of murder. In China, most executions take place after rallies in front of massive crowds, and prisoners are often paraded through the streets on their way to their final destination. [ more ]

7. British supermarkets know more about their consumers than the British government does. Loyalty cards, aimed to save you some bucks at the grocery counter, gather sophisticated information about your spending patterns. The problem? Such information is then sold, or used against you in court or taken by the government without your permission.

8. Every cow in the European Union is subsidised by $2.50 a day. That's more than what 75 per cent of Africans have to live on. World Bank reports than Japense cows get $7.50 per day. Of course, government costs are passed onto the consumers in terms of milk and beef prices.

9. In more than 70 countries, same-sex relationships are illegal. In nine countries, the penalty is death. Nine countries include Mauritania, Sudan, Afghanistan, Pakistan, the Chechen Republic, Iran, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates and Yemen. Since the Islamic revolution in Iran in 1979, more than 4,000 homosexuals have been executed. [ more ]

10. One in five of the world's people live on less than a $1/day. Through the 1990s, there was a 7% improvement in poverty. Poverty, as it turns out, is completely avoidable. For less than 1% of the income of the wealthiest countries each year, the worst effects of poverty can be greatly diminished. At least four times between 2000 and 2003, rich countries pledged 0.7% of their income and poor countries promised political reforms for accountable implementation. As it turns out, rich didn't follow through on pledges and poor are plagued with corruption. [ more ]

11. More than 12,000 women are killed each year in Russia as a result of domestic violence. That's one every 43 minutes. In America, by contrast, that number is 1,246 women killed by an intimate partner in 2000. It seems that massive economic and social upheavel in the post-Soviet era have left men demoralized. In general, women are five to eight times more likely to be assaulted by an intimate partner than men. [ more ]

12. In 2001, 13.2 million Americans had some form of plastic surgery. The number of prodecures has more than doubled since 1997. More than 70% of plastic surgery patients now earn less than $50,000 per year. The industry now even boasts its own TV show -- Extreme Makeover. [ more ]

13. Landmines kill or maim at least one person every hour.
    All around the world, more than 100 million remnants of conflicts past and present lie quietly in the ground, waiting for action. In more than 60 countries, landmines litter the earth. They are said to be popular because they're cheap to install. People killed and maimed by landmines are largely powerless and the countries most heavily mined are among the world's poorest. [ more ]

14. There are 44 million child labourers in India. Worldwide, the UN Labour Organization estimates 246 million child labourers aged between five and seventeen. Of those, 171 million work in hazardous conditions; roughly 8.4 million are involved in what ILO calls 'the unconditional worst forms of child labour.'

15. People in industrialised countries eat between six and seven kilograms of food additives every year.In 2000, the food industry spends around $20 billion on making our food look prettier, taste nicer and last longer. Food additives are chemicals meant to keep our food fresh longer to prevent frequent trips to the market and reduces our time in the kitchen via 'convenience' foods. Worldwide market in flavourings is worth $3.6 billion a year. Artificial sweetners are another profitable sector.

16. The golfer Tiger Woods is the world's highest paid sportman. He earns $78 million a year -- or $148 every second.
    71 of that 78 million comes from sponsorships. Tigers Woods is paid $55,000 a day to wear Nike caps; a Thai worker is paid $4 a day to make them.

17. Seven million American women and 1 million American men suffer from eating disorder. Most common is anorexia, whose psychological nature wasn't uncovered till early 20th century. Top fashion models now weigh 25% less than the average American woman. Average Hollywood starlet now wears an American size 2 dress on the red carpet -- which has the same measurements as a dress made for a ten-year-old girl. [ more ]

18. Nearly half of the British fifteen-year-olds have tried illegal drugs and nearly a quarter are regular cigarette smokers. Those smokers consume an average of 50 cigarettes per week. Britain's teenagers are also drinking twice as much as they did a decade ago. 49% of American 12th graders said they had drunk alcohol in the last 30 days. Underage drinking costs the US $53 billion a year. [ more ]

19. There are 67,000 people employed in the lobbying industry in Washington DC -- 125 for each elected member of Congress. Lobbyists spend their day trying to influence government policy.
    Corporates, non-governmental organizations, and special interest groups, all have lobbyists who were paid $1.55 billion in 2000 to sway politician votes. [ more ]

20. Cars kill two people every minute. In 1930, a million cars on the Britain roads led to 7300 deaths; in 1999, 27 million cars led to less than 3650 deaths. Same with the US. Now, people most affected by road accidents are world's poor; 67% of road deaths occur every year in developing countries and 67% of those killed are pedestrians. New cars with safety checks, safety components like airbags or ABS breaks, well-maintained roads, laws against drinking and driving, are all cited as reasons why developed countries aren't as affected.

21. Since 1977, there have been nearly 80,000 acts of violence or disruption at abortion clinics in North America. [ more ]

    
    

22. More people can identify the golden arches of McDonalds than the Christian cross. Survey of 7,000 people in six countries (including the US) showed that the Shell oil logo, the Mercedes badge and the five Olympic rings were recognized far more widely than the Christain cross. In Britain, less than 20% said they were influenced by religion; churches complain consumerism is replacing faith. In America, 92% believe in God and 33% attend a place of worship at least once a week.

23. In Kenya, bribery payments make up a third of the average household budget. A request for 'kitu kidogo' (something small) is common in Kenya; Kenyans say its hard to get anything without bribery. Corruption further hurts poor countries because it deters foreign investment. [ more ]

    
    

24. The world's trade in illegal drugs is estimated to be worth around $400 billion -- about the same as the world's legal pharmaceutical industry. About 200 million around the world abuse drugs. In Netherlands, marijuana is sold through 'coffee shops' and the amount sold to each customer is regulated by police; interestingly, while 37% of Americans admit to using marijuana, only 16% of the Dutch had done so. [ more ]

25. A third of Americans believe aliens have landed on Earth. Not just the US -- a 1999 poll in Britain showed that 61% of British teenagers believed in aliens and UFOs. 80% of Americans thinks that the government is hiding information on this topic. UFO visits, interestingly, have only been widely reported in the last 50 years -- a
    mere blip in a planetary history that spans 4 billion years.

26. More than 150 countries use torture. That's more than two thirds of all the countries. [ more ]

27. Every day, one in five of the world's population -- some 800 million people -- go hungry. Incredibly, this is not caused by food shortages. The world produces enough food each year to feed all its inhabitants. Healthy diet requires 2,500 calories a day; an American consumes 3,600 calories a day while a Somalian gets 1,500. Nobel laureate Amartya Sen says it's because poor people have no money to secure a constant food supply, and no resources to grow their own food. [ more ]
    

28. Black men born in the US today stand a one in three chance of going to jail. In June 2002, the number of people behind bars hit 2 million and the US overtook Russia as the world's largest prison population. One in every 37 Americans has spent time in jail, up from one in 53 in 1974. For children born in 2001, a white male has 1 in 17 chance of going to jail; hispanics are 1 in 6, blacks are 1 in 3. Black people make up 12.9% of the US population. Sentencing project also reports that 70% of those sentenced in state prisons were convicted of non-violent crimes, of whom drug offendors were 57%. Drunk driving is the most frequent category of arrests in America with 1.8 million each year; drunk drivers kill 22,000 people, yet punishment for drunk-driving is a misdemeanour (punished by fines) while posession of drugs gets upto 5 years in jail. It costs the US $30,000 to keep a prisoner in jail for a year.

29. A third of the world's population is at war. In 2002, 30 countries around the world were fighting in 37 armed conflicts -- a combined population of 2.29 billion people. In Congo, for example, a conflict often referred to as 'Africa's world war' claimed more than 3 million lives between 1998 and 2002 -- either as a direct result of fighting or through disease and malnutrition.

30. The world's oil reserves could be exhausted by 2040. Oil's biggest role is power generation. Most electricity in the developed world is generated using coal, natural gas or petroleum; but British government, for example, has said that by 2010, at least 10% of its energy needs to come from renewable sources like water, wind and sun. In the US, automative fuels account for more than half of US oil consumption; in 1999, Americans drove a whopping 2.6 trillion miles -- enough for 14,000 round trips to the Sun.

31. Eighty-two percent of the world's smokers live in developing countries. Every year, nearly 5 million people die as a result of smoking. It is the number one preventable cause of death in the world. 500 million people alive today will die of tobacco-related diseases. In 1955, 56% of US men smoked; today it's 25%. Before import of tobacco-based products in 1996, 26% of Taiwanese had tried smoking; now, it's 48% and quickly rising. WHO reports that tabacco advertising in Cambodia rose 400% during 4 years of the 1990s; in Malayasia, 20-25% of all advertising is now tabacco related. Women and young people in developing countries are the current targets for tobacco companies.

32. More than 70 per cent of the world's population have never a dial tone. Researchers estimate that 800 megabytes of information is produced every year for every person on the planet; the average American spends 46% of their time in acessing that information; in 2001, more than half of the US population used the Internet and over 600 million users worldwide had access. In Africa, though, less than 1% of the 800
    million even had a computer, 1 in 4 people own a radio and 1 in 40 have a telephone. Finland, with a population of 5 million, has more Internet users than the whole of Latin America. In the US, 86% of families earning over $75,000 per year has Internet access, whereas just 12% of households earning less than $15,000 per year had access. On the flip side, within just five years, 60% of South Korean households have broadband Internet.

33. A quarter of the world's armed conflicts of recent years have involved a struggle for natural resources. More than 5 million died as a result of these conflicts in the 1990s. Congo had deposits of gold, diamonds and mineral ore named coltan (used in mobile phones and computers). President of the rebel group in Rwanda: "We need to maintain the soldeiers. We need to pay for services ... we raise $200,000 per month from diamonds. Coltan gives us more: a million dollars a month." In Colombia, fights are over the annual $400 million annual cocaine trades. In developing countries, 90% of fresh water is consumed by agriculture and many predict that water will be a source of much tension in the future.

34. Some 30 million people in Africa are HIV-positive. By 2050, the disease may have claimed 280 million lives. Life expectancy in some sub-saharan countries is currently 30! China refused to acknowledge it's AIDS problem till 2002; till then, 30,000 was the number of those living with HIV in China but after that, it jumped to 1 million. Of the $70 billion is spent each year in researching new drugs, less than 10% is spent on finding solutions for 90% of the world's health problems. [ more ]
    

35. Ten languages die out every year. There are about 6000 living languages in the world. Professor Steve Sutherland of University of East Anglia calculated that the past 500 years have seen 4.5% of languages die out, compared with 1.3% of birds, and 1.9% of mammals. [ more ]
    

36. More people die each year from suicide than in all world's amred conflicts. WHO estimates that about a million people die each year from suicides; two thirds of them are depressed at the time of their deaths. A survey in Aids-stricken region of Uganda showed 21% of residents as clinically depressed, while another survey of a Pakistani village showed 44%. Women are more likely to attempt suicide, but men are more than four times as likely to die. By 2020, WHO predicts that depression will be the second largest contributor to the global burden of disease. [ more ]

37. Every week, an average of 88 children are expelled from American schools for bringing a gun to class. Nearly one in three American households with children have a gun in
    them. In a study of 37 school shooting incidents between 1974 and 2000, two thirds of the students involved had taken their guns from their own home or that of a relative. Death rate from guns in the US is by far the highest in the developed world. Of the 639 million small arms worldwide, nearly 200 million are in the homes of Americans.

38. There are at least 300,000 prisoners of conscience in the world. These are folks who have peacefully expressed their own beliefs and not broken the law in any way.
    

39. Two million girls and women are subjected to female genital mutilation each year. Barbaric practice of cutting genitals of girls and women has to be stopped, but the complexity of the problem and secrecy surrounding it call for a very careful approach. Surveys indicate the prevalance of FGM -- most commonly found in Africa -- fell from 95% in 1995 to 89% in 2002.

40. There are 300,000 child soldiers fighting conflicts around the world. Children under 18 are fighting in almost regions of the world, in close to 33 countries. Burma is believed to have more child soldiers than any other country with more than one fifth of its 350,000 national army listed under 18 years of age. [ more ]

41. Nearly 26 million people voted in 2001 British General Election. More than 32 million votes were cast in the first season of Pop Idol. In 1950, 84% of Britons turned out to vote; in 2001, 60%. Worldwide, younger people are not voting. Most youngsters feel that "voting is not going to change a thing" as politicians keep on playing their games. In 2003, German government debated a proposal to allow parents to vote on
    behalf of their 12 years and older children to vote. The use of mobile phone and Internet are also being used to make it easy to vote; in Democratic primaries in Arizona, turned jumped 600% when the Internet voting system was introduced. [ more ]

42. America spends $10 billion on pornography every year -- the same amount is spends on foreign aid. More than 200 new adult films are produced every week, and there are
    over 300,000 Internet sites on the topic. 1.5 million US hotel rooms can show adult movies, which accounts for around 80% of hotels' in-room entertainment profits. [ more ]

43. In 2003, the US spent $396 billion on its military. This is 33 times the combined military spending of the seven 'rogue states'. In 2002, the world military budget was $794 billion. America's military expenditure is more than 33 times the combined budgets of Cuba, Iran, Iraq, Libya, North Korea, Sudan, and Syria. In 1985, at the height of the Cold War, the world spent $1.2 trillion; the 90s saw a decline, but post 9/11, the trend has reversed; the US administration plans to spend $2.7 trillion on the military over the next six years. It would cost $15 billion a year to provide basic primary healthcare to all the world's people, about $2 billion to fund famine relief and sustainable agriculture programs and about $5 billion to provide a basic education for all. [ more ]

44. There are 27 million slaves in the world today. Bonded labor is now the most common form of slavery, affecting some 20 million people around the world. Anti-slavery groups estimate that slaves exist n every continent except Antarctica, producing goods that we in the Western World use everyday. Average slave in the American South cost $40,000 in today's money; today, a slave costs an average of just $90. [ more ]

45. Americans discard 2.5 million plastic bottles every hour.
    That's enough bottles to reach all the way to the moon every three weeks. Every hour, British households throw away enough rubbish to fill the Royal Albert Hall. Each year, America produces enough plastic wrap to cling-film the state of Texas. Each Christmas, an additional 5 million tons of rubbish is generated -- 4 million of that is wrapping paper and shopping bags. China produces and discards more than 45 billion pairs of disposable chopsticks every year and cuts down 25 million trees to do it. In Bangladeshi capital Dhaka, more than 10 million plastic bags are dumped every day, clogging the city's drains. It is now said that there are two man made structures that can be seen from outer-space: the Great Wall of China, and the Fresh Kills landfill near New York. A landfill closes in the US everyday, and experts say that the country has 18 years of landfill capacity left. By 2005, 250 million computers will be obsolete and 130 million mobile phones will be discarded every year. [ more ]

46. The average urban Briton is caught on camera upto 300 times a day. Nearly 3 million closed circuit TV's are monitoring the UK, sending images to flickering screens. With an estimated 2.5 million Britons now captured on the national DNA database and the British government's decision to press ahead with iris recognition
    schemes, it is possible that we may never be anonymous.

47. Some 120,000 women and girls are trafficked into Western Europe every year.

48. A kiwi fruit flown from New Zealand to Britain emits five times its own weight in greenhouse gases. To get us off season fruits, our food is travelling a long ways. Those
    kiwi fruits, for example, have travelled 20,000 kilometers, either by plane or road. Increasingly, we're becoming more and more dependent on the fuel it takes to get them to us. In the UK, 40% of all road freight is food. For every calorie of lettuce imported to the UK from America, 127 calories of fuel are used; in other words, a kilogram of California lettuce uses enough energy to keep a 100-watt light bulb glowing for eight days.

49. The US owes the United Nations more than a billion dollars in upaid dues. [ more ]

50. Children living in poverty are three times more likely to suffer a mental illness than children from wealthy families. Nearly 4 million British children -- one in every three -- live in poverty. That's three times below the poverty line in 1970.

Parcel.

It was from my SP in 'Scissor Fob and Needlecase Exchange'! These cuties came from Lillie (Thank you.):

That cat is just like my youngest tomcat:

Aren't they cute?

Not to mention those stamps...:

About weight loss.

It seems to me that my pelvis is in different angle nowadays, It feels different to walk, not in bad way though, but it's bit odd. I haven't lost that much... Ok, if we think how much it's in percents of my excess weight it's in fact quite much.
But anyway it seems that when I lose weight odd things happen: usually women complain how they lose cup or two from bra size before anything else happens (when they lose weight). In my case nothing has happened to my breasts (To be honest I could lose cup or two just to get bras easier...). Even my butt looks good, in fact it looks even better nowadays.

My ex asked things about my diet, as I mentioned him that I eat huge amounts of protein nowadays, and while I was checking things to him I realized that in fact I consume quite much energy per day and still I lose weight.

So, either there's something in protein and avoiding fat-free/ low fat products (I've to because most of them contain something I can't eat) or then my body really uses unbelievable amounts of energy per day - even I'm not very active person.

Bad me.

I just came back from online shopping spree...

Now I just have to justify it to myself... ok, I have justified it: I participated one more exchange so I do need more stuff, and ornament exchange is just behind the corner. I bought a little ornament kit, I just have to hope that it gets here in time. Otherwise I've to modify my ornie exchange plans.

But, ah, it was great.

...most people in here get drunk in Friday night. I grow my stash...

But what can I do? I have nothing else to do than stitch and idle as long as Sonneschein is 3000 kms from me. (Excuses, excuses, but what about it?)

Nationality.

For some reason it feels sometimes that people don't identify me as Finnish. Not even Finns themselves. I really would like to know why it's so?

It's possible that I just don't look like very stereotypic, even I am very stereotypic: blonde with blue eyes. I just dye my hair, because in my opinion my genes have done minor mistake when deciding my hair colour.

In fact I asked about that from Sonnenschein when I took my latest pic and (even) he said that I don't look exactly Finnish. And that was not the first time... Maybe this proves something about my roots.

But still there's one question: why don't they even indetify me as a Finn even when they don't know how I look? When they only see my location. Is my English too good? (I really don't believe it's so.) Am I too... something?

I hate this feeling of not belonging to anywhere.

Good night.

I finished backstitches of scissor fob and I've to say that I am pleased with it. It's simple, but very stylish art nouveau flower (Lily I think, but I don't know flowers very well), and that antique lavender linen is just perfect fabric for it.

Darned, it's hard to be this good.

Journal pic.

Changed my default pic. For once I have a pic where I'm almost as cute as I'm IRL so why not use it? (Yes, I have quite good self-esteem, in case I sound egoistic to some.)

Looks.

Awkward transitions, part 69. Even these two things were in my mind when I begun to write this entry, so in fact it's not awkward transition... anyway: looks.

In this case Sonnenschein's looks.
It's just bit sad that he's worrying about his physical appearance and will I eventually accept it or not. Ok, he's not the lightest guy on Earth, but so what? First of all, he's quite sturdy naturally (which explains quite a lot). And second... I'm not best individual to judge anyone's physical apprearance, as I'm not the slimmest one on Earth.

Silly thing in this is that Sonnenschein is physically quite close to my 'ideal man': short (as 'short' as man about my height (~167-169cm) is...) and sturdy.

Yes, I confess that I've soft spot for men with broad backs and reasonable muscles. (And on the other hand I dislike bodybuilders.)
It may have to do with my own frame. As I'm not petite nor weak I prefer males who don't look physically inferior next to me, and who I can hug without crushing them.

In fact it's bit odd that he's not worried about that part in him which might be more meaningful to some: he is losing his hair during time. It's in his genes and it's happening all the time.
Well, they say that intellect and hair can't live in same head, so he should be happy. And anyway, he's those ones who'd look good completely shaven.

In the end only thing which matters anything is his smile, and it's cute enough to keep me thrilled (at least) next twenty years.

Username.

In case someone's wondering where Snowprincipessa comes from I can tell.

When we 'met' with Sonnenschein he used to call me Snow Queen... And if I recall correctly, it was taken when I was thinking of my blogger name, so I twisted it a bit. This is why I'm something as girly as snowprincipessa.

Humans.

I think I've proved that I was right about one person's intentions. Which is not really nice as we were friends so long...

Once again long story, over ten years in fact, so I don't even go it trough.
Anyway, he send me SMS in January. And he seemed to be almost happy when he heard that I was divorcing, he promised to write me a letter. Then I mentioned that I've someone in my life. I haven't heard him since.

So, what this tells about him? Exactly. Nowadays I'm sure that only reason in me which really mattered in me was.... My body. (Ok, I have nice ass and great pair of breasts but so?)And because I'm in a relationship he knows he can't have me -he tried it when I was married- so there's no need to be in contact with me... How can someone be that shallow?

This is good place to do awkward transition and talk about...

Looks.

I've noticed that females have problems with me. With my looks. They seem to feel inferiority... And I don't get it as I'm very unlike I "should" be according to general aspect of beauty. I'm not delicate, thin, long haired, cute etc..
And still... females have problems with me, no man has ever said anything bad about my looks.

When I walk out there I don't even try to be attractive (I do use make-up in case someone is wondering, but I use it because of me) but I know I'm. Maybe it's because I smile and I love myself even I have excess kilos, and my hair style is just personal in this world with long-haired women.

Part of attractivity definitely is fact that I'm in love. I love, I'm loved and it shows. People want to have that feeling too and that's why they're attracted to me.

In fact it's bit crazy.

...all of them idiots...

How shallow can human be?

I had a conversation with Him and He told what his friend had said to Him when He told we are going to divorce: 'You could find someone better...' Ok, maybe that is only that 'don't worry, there is plenty of fish in the sea' or, as He get it 'She is not good enough (too ugly) for you.' I also heard that one of my neighbors has said similar thing about me - even that one is just normal middle aged man (bad skin, overweight, redneck...). They have also assumed that we are together just for sex.

I got mad, He is too. Apparently some people are so shallow/ stupid that they really think that somebody can be with someone for six years only for sex. And if they think I am not attractive why do they think that? ;)

Fortunately I know the truth. And He agrees with it. 'You are beautiful. You can't be unattractive if I have always enjoyed to have sex with you and lived with you for so long.' :) That was nice thing to say. Maybe it don't sound like it but I know Him. That was compliment from Him. ;)

Funny thing is also that I hear almost daily that I am attractive. :)

Anyway, I am rather intelligent that attractive but... ;)