I have probably wondered about this issue before, but it has been on my mind lately and a short chat with N. brought it so close to the surface that I can't stop thinking of it.
People often wonder why someone like me is single, I have heard that I am the ultimate woman (which is interesting knowing that he knew that I classify myself as a female androgyne - I believe what he said though and I know he meant it) and all that... I don't doubt a moment that they meant what they said. Which probably makes it even harder...
As I can't understand how someone who seems to be close to perfection (based on the peer feedback (I can list "few" flaws in myself very easily - I'm far from perfect)) in eyes of many just can't find what she's looking for - or when she finds it can't keep it.
Maybe it's the claimed perfection being too scary, maybe it's the claimed perfection which is so imperfect in me that I alienate even those I could love or who care for me.
It can't be the looks of me as I know that even I am not what is, acclaimedly, generally considered as hot I am it and much more... maybe it's the looks and intellect combo which intimidates people, but I can't change who I am - and I don't want to.
Maybe I am just too depraved to be actually be interesting even though I know that my level of kinkiness would keep most people entertained for the rest of their lives... that I am the dirty dream of most straight/bi/whatever men.
Thoughts have their own merry-go-round in my head and they make me dizzy. They also make me sad, because I can't find the answer to my questions, because things got blurrier the more I think of them.
Maybe there's nothing in wrong with me, maybe it is the world which is crazy. Maybe it's my karma or maybe I am just so absolutely impossible... I'd love to know what is in wrong with me or the Universe.
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