Sometimes it feels like I can never ever fall in love again. But I think that it will happen again, when it is time. When I found someone with smiling eyes and warm heart.
At least I have my dreams... and capability for daydreaming. I think those keep me sane in those hard moments when it would be nice to kill someone... my greatest fear is that Him will not move in July... as it should be deadline.

Accidents do usually happen in combos, so I am still waiting what will be the third one as I heard couple of days ago that my brother is separating/ divorcing too. Kind of spooky, ain't? Both separations during same spring... I think it must be those spots in the Sun. I just hope that he will get their kids...

This is getting harder day by day.. living with him. I am more and more annoyed being with him in daily-basis...

Here we go again.

He mopes like five-year-old because he hasn't listen what I had said to him earlier. Apparently it is my fault that IRC isn't web-based... and he don't know how to use it - he should ask that from me as I do know but no... It is my fault that I know how to use it. Everything seems to be my fault again.

And soon he will swear his undying love, I am sure of it.
Yesterday he got mad because I refused to hold his hand when we were walking back from grocery. Why should I hold his hand? I don't understand, as he should remember that I don't love him in that way anymore - he should remember that it was the reason for me to start this separation process.
As I can't trust him I can't love him anymore. I even shouldn't love him because of that. And if I don't/ can't love someone I see no point to live with him anymore - and I have great doubts being married with him... I think there is no hope for us. Even he thinks there is.

Maybe he just don't understand what I say to him.

Marriage is all about love, love is all about trust and without trust there is nothing. I think I am quite realistic when it comes to relationships and love. I know there can't always be only happiness, there is always days of sorrow.
And I do miss that, happiness and sorrow with someone I love and who loves me back equally.

I saw odd but beautiful dream last night. In fact it was not even that odd, even I felt odd -but happy-after I woke up.
In my dream I found someone strong-minded to love even I did not think him in that way in the beginning of that dream. He was "just" my friend, I could not even think him being anything else than a friend...
..then I kissed him- and he kissed me.(And as kissing should be something macigal... Haven't had kiss like that in ages...)

And even it was a dream I felt ecstatic, good, loved... I felt better than I have felt in years. Everything felt so good and I knew why I fell in love with that man from my dream.

Ok, it was just a dream but my dreams have always some meaning in them... And I think I know what I wanted to say to me.

So many days without anything to write.

Too many "I love You's" from him. As many awkward situations for me. As it just feels that he tries to get what he have lost ages ago.

I'm heading toward tomorrow and he still loves me. Ok, I have to say that I admire him because of that, but so many words, so few acts. And for some reason I feel that he hates me because for this situation but he just can't stop loving me. He is too weak, too much Mr. Nice Guy.

Well, now I know what I want from man... I really do, I just have to learn not to fall in to another one "I have to save". I need someone stubborn enough, someone with his own free will. Someone strong and reliable, who keeps what he says...

That sounds like some sort of personal ad.:)

This situation makes me desperate. I can't do anything by myself, I can't even read even I should because I have to keep this place at least somewhat clean.
He is really like a little child - even I have said about cleaning his mess (..about thousand times...) he just wont learn his lesson... I am getting really messed up here. Too much demands for me. I am beginning to lose my hope.

If I say that he should do something in here as I have to read he says "Of course" but wont do anything... And so I can't read, I can't do anything I like to as he takes my space. He takes my breath away and I will choke soon...

I'm going to say about this to him even I know his reaction to it. There will be huge fight once again, one broken heart inside me, too many tears to count... And finally I am the one who asks for forgiveness. Once again I am the coward, that crazy woman who likes to make him feel guilty.

And all this just because I fell in love with him 6 years ago. If this is love, I don't want to fall in love again... Even I hate loneliness, if this is the price to pay, I say no, never again...

Sometimes he acts like little child, mopes about little things and then waits that I ask for forgiveness.Not very equal, I think.
I realized yesterday that he narrows my personality - there are no room for me and to who I am. Only room for his personality. No wonder I was unhappy

I think that He had some odd image of me all those years - as he was surprised when I said today that I know I can be awful, cranky lady when I want to - and even when I do not want it.

Of course I have my faults, I am not an angel or anything idealized thing like that. I am just human with all my faults and I like it. Even I try to to be "better" person - I do not like my faults that much.:) But they also make me humane.

I wonder my dad. It seems to me that he has something against this. It feels like he thinks that I am stupid little girl who do not know how to live or how to love. Well, he is not the one who taught me that to me so it would be better for him to keep his mouth shut.
Maybe it is that because I am leaving man with rich dad. Who cares? Money is nothing when it comes to love - of course having some money helps... well, we have not had that....waiting for inheritance, I would say.

"If love can end it was not love in the first place." Well, apparently that means that he was not in love with my mom when he married her - and divorced 20 years later. Well, it was in the end my moms idea but it was too late anyway I think. And that is one reason why I made my decision: I do not wanna be 50 year old woman who has no good memories of her marriage. Only good things in those 20 years were we, her kids. Sad life.

I am speechless I have to say.

I was good, normal person only when I was "happily" married - before and after it I am just a loser. Person without any worth, without humanity. Very encouraging indeed.
I am used to this but it still feels bad. My only worth was in my relationship to future-inheritance. My own dad is measuring my worth by my mans possessions... oh my.

Fortunately He is wiser. He said that he loves me enough to set me free and if someone else makes me happier than he could he just have to cope with that.

No one can, because we are all humans and different because of it. He made me happy in his way, someone else makes me happy in someone else's way. And that is how it is.

It is funny how I notice new annoying things in Him daily basis nowadays. I even liked some of those things in him, some of those annoying habits.

I also noticed today that he really is not anything else to me than a good friend I have had sex with.
..and lived with last five years... And loved.

Life is very surprising thing.

I think I should really start to sleep completely on my own, even it is not very enjoyable. But for some reason I can't sleep next to him anymore either - I can but only dog sleep. It is even hard to fall a sleep next to him.

It seems to me that he even does more houseworks nowadays but... how late he is. But apparently - unfortunately - some men are so naive that they can't see the reality and just think that their woman will always love them, no matter what.
Well, I learned my lesson - hopefully. Now I know what I want from man.
But we have to see what my stupid heart says about it.:) She usually has plans of her own. And as stupid one I do like she wants me to do. :)

This is really getting weird. I feel guilty for not being sad.

I feel extremely good, happy. I could run to the moon and back now or go to the streets and yell how wonderful life is. And for what reason? In fact I am not quite sure but... I have a hunch. I like this. Unfortunately I can't yell because it is night now and neighbors would not like it.:) Damn I feel SO good. Soon I start to wonder what the hell am I doing but who cares about it? I am happyhappyhappy!:) And very sober.:) Life is so good.

Jumping for joy.:)

Even I have my sad moments this seems to be the best thing to do - at least for me. For some reason when he says he loves me I don't feel bad or want to reply in the same way, it just feels little awkward. And now when my family knows about this my stress is suddenly fading away and I have strength again to do things I haven't done in ages. I feel refreshed, mentally. Physically I am still quite exhausted but I will get over it.
...and I always thought that this will be the end of the world. Silly me.:)

Maybe this is this easy as I have in fact been thinking this option almost 3 years... I have done most of my grieving already, now I just have to start cope with facts.