It's like learning to walk again

When you have learned to watch your every step, move, gesture and keep your eyes away from the person you love (because he is a controlling jerk and you haven't realised it yet) it's actually really difficult to unlearn it even if previously mentioned things are well in the past and processed. And it's like being in alternate reality to have someone you care for close willingly to you after being with a controlling jerk who considered all physical contact as something distasteful, even brutal.

I am in the brink of a cultural shock.

Dear diary...

Isn't it always how it always goes? That after you complain about something things change?

I was called girlfriend today. By someone who has my brain.

Life is getting interesting all of a sudden. I hope it keeps this way.

On singledom

I have been single almost four years now and either I have become even more cynical than I used to be or people have got way weirder since I was single last time. Or maybe it's me (getting way weirder than I used to be).

Or that little funny fact that nowadays I demand more. Much more. I don't ask for looks, (look where it got me last time *grin*,) but I'm just looking for someone with a good head on their shoulders. You know, those people are insanely hard to come by. At least for an introverted single parent.

Some people could say that it's more difficult to date with a child. I don't agree. First of all at this age quite many people have kids so they should understand how the whole thing goes with kids, and then I don't think it would be too much to ask for an adult to understand the basics of how little people affect to one's life - and accept the fact that people in certain age range quite often have kids. I know I did, not 100 %, but I did - and I have never been much of a child type anyway (aside wanting my own).
And for some weird reason when Tiny was just a baby it was easier to get on the date level. Maybe it was "separated" status that was much more attractive than "divorced" - as of course life is easier with someone who is in middle of a divorce, yup. *grin*

What makes me wonder is that those people who should be adult by any standard act like teens or little kids. Those people who can't simply live with word "no" or can't wait for your reply for one day without having some kind of hissy fit. It's hilarious, but also very worrying.

Sometimes it's good to be a misanthrope.

Still, it would be nice to have someone to share one's life with. Someone who'd also give Tiny that father figure he never has had.

I don't know how to start this or what I should say, but I need to talk about it.

Turns out that he has a mental block, which makes him vomit after sex. Repeatedly.
And now I don't know why I am crying.

I admit. It *is* really sad as, well, he's a nice guy and we actually has quite much fun until... you know.

And he had to leave as he'll spend the night with his nausea meds and a bucket. Which probably is part of why I am sad. I had wanted him to stay overnight, as did he. He had hoped it had passed. Obviously it hadn't.

Someone might say that this is what you get from dating divorced men. But honestly... divorced man with kids has higher probability to understand where I am standing.
It just happens that I had met that man whose body is a very clear mirror of his soul.

He is seeking help. Interestingly he did it now, after three years and after meeting me... just a coincidence probably regardless..

And I don't like the feeling that I am kind of left hanging. Not by him, but me. But, call me crazy, there's something in that man I am no ready to give up just yet.

As I said I know I am crazy. I just have this feeling about him.

And now I am sad.

Remember this?

Well, it seems that if nothing else we'll have something in common: adult play dates at my place. *grin*

We have been talking at Facebook occasionally as we have both been incredibly busy, but last two nights our conversations have been such that physical relationship between us can't be avoided. And well, why should it?

I have started to feel amazingly amazing thanks to our conversations - and that's a lot after all that complaining and bitching Mr. Formerly Wonderful did. Not to mention how incredibly unsexy and insane he made me feel...

And all the sudden I am called sexy, hot, intelligent, good mother and so on. By someone who has met me. By someone who has followed me on FB for couple of months.

It doesn't sound like a big deal, I know, but after everything Mr. Ex-W. said, did, left unsaid and undone it is a lot.
All the sudden I am not that lazy ass, fat, lying, messy and unreasonable bitch, but someone who has brains and soul, and a body to desire. Body with all that excess fat and drooping breasts, with stretch marks and dry skin. Body that is beautiful regardless.

And I am taking the leap of faith again, because I need that now. Even if nothing comes out of it, but reminding me how wonderful I am.

And my body needs to be touched again, after such a long time.

Ooops.

I have a confession to make.

Tiny and I were on a (play) date on Sunday. (Play date as he had his kids with him. *grin*)

It seems that we might actually meet him again in future when I have moved and settled down. Or then I don't understand men at all anymore... *grin*

Ooops.