Friday 31 March 2006

^^

Well well well... it seems to me that I've been RAKed by one person. In case I'm not delirious, which might explain it...
I noticed today that my status has changed from general user to subscriber in Last.Fm. Though I don't say I know anything before I get reply from him... but I've to say that You-Know-Who-You-Are made my day. (/me bows)

In other news, I've got addicted to online chess, even my problem of not being able to "see" that board properly stills.
I think it's impossible to understand before you've played IRL with me, as I need to adjust things a bit even then - but after it I'm quite good (if I'm in the mood of being good). At least for someone who has no interest towards theory of chess. (Talking of chess... Click.)

I meant to celebrate my divorce day with some wine, but for some reason I think I've no need for that... And anyway Dan will visit me next week, so celebration will be done then. (And I'll get my laptop!)

Booking Trough Thursdays

Once again I've few weeks worth... From eldest to latest.

Booking Trough Thursday

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Today's questions were suggested by Christine.

  1. How do you decide to read a book by an author you haven't read before?

    Same thing which works with every book I'm considering to read: if I like the idea I'll read it. That's why I always consult backs of books, that's why I rarely buy books from anywhere else than bookstore.

  2. What sort of recommendations count most highly in making that decision?

    I don't trust recommendations in general. But in case someone who has similar taste to mine recommends something I may give it a change.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Pick one of your favorite authors.

  1. What are some of your favorite books by this author?

    Well, mr. King, again. I love most of his books, but I'd say The Dark Tower (I may have referred it as Black Tower before, but this is what happens when you read translated books...) series as it was pleasant surprise. I'm not that much in actual fantasy, and therefore it took quite some time before I actually read first book from this series, but since then I've been hooked.
    In some phase I was afraid that mr. King never will finish this series, but I was wrong. Which is good.

  2. Why do you like this author?

    /me consults blog
    "I love King because his mind is as twisted as mine is - he writes like I'd like to be able to write (and he writes like my mind works)."

  3. Have you read everything by this author? Why or why not?

    No I haven't. He's too productive. And I'm too broke. Most Kings I've are bought by my mother - it's easy for her, when ever there's new translated King in stores she buys two of them. One for me, one for my brother. She hadn't got actual gift giving problems with me since 2000.

Goal check

It's April soon (where did the time went?) so it's time for goal check.

March goals were

  1. "Stitch and finish needleroll for Spring needleroll exchange".
  2. "This month's Broaden Your Stitching Horizon theme is folk/ whimsical and I'm in even folksy isn't my thing in general. Mosey'N'Me has couple of freebies I'll choose from."
  3. "Start next Silhouette in 10th of March."
Well, this is what I actually did
  1. Needleroll is finished and mailed.
  2. Stitching horizon got broader.
  3. Jaffa is still untouched.
  4. Stitched parts III and IV of MSAL, but I'm three parts behind!
And then,

what do I want to do in April?

  1. Stitch lacking parts of MSAL and try to stay in schedule
  2. 24 hour challenge
  3. Stitch-A-Thon
  4. Broaden Your Stitching Horizon
  5. Start with Jaffa, preferably finish it.
  6. Decide design, fabric, flosses, stitch and finish biscornu for an exchange
Would that be enough for me? I think it's so.

So, how has it been?

Tomorrow I've been Miss Peri for a year. And to be honest, I don't regret it a bit. Getting divorce, I mean.

Fact is that since we broke up my heart has come to almost it's normal self again - though I doubt it'll ever be as good as it used to be. But it has it's use.
I had these bad arrhythmias during last months of our relationship. So bad that I laid in bed two days because I had no strength to sit nor stand. Only things I could do were sleeping, eating beta blockers and being afraid of having a heart which just would stop agreeing with me some day.
Anyway, I was only 24. You shouldn't have heart problems in that age, should you?

But since we broke-up I have found a friend from Dan. Someone who supports even my insane ideas. Someone who will, in the end, be there for me if I need.
Of course my family would be there too, if I'd let them, but I don't. I've always been secretive, and for some reason I've always tried to keep my family out of my problems. I'm too proud in certain things, I know it.

Even it's year from our divorce it's over two years from our decision to separate. Or more like my decision, he just had to agree. It was our decision when he realised that I wont take my words back, but it took some months.

Two relationships after it. Both failed. Which I don't understand in certain sense, even I know why those things happened.
I just had to learn with hard way what I really want from a partner.
During this year I've heard certain question few times: How you can be single? How can you be, with that/ those personality/ looks/ brains..?
I had no answer for that, but I think I know... I know myself. I'm quirky. And I know I ask quite much. But I know there's someone, and someone is enough, as long as I find him. I only need that one person to love me, to love.

They say second marriages have best possibilities for success. I really hope so, as, being an romantic idiot, I want to get married again.
Some people wonder it, as they see divorce as a failure of institution called marriage. I just see it as failure of a relationship, failure of both counterparts.
Even people usually don't see me as a marrying kind I'm such a person. I'm sucker for devotion, safety, being protected by gazillion laws... and it brings even more safety in case you've children.

But to be honest. I don't wonder why people think I'm not marrying kind. I'm not quite traditional person, I speak my mouth, I don't allow anyone to degrade me (at least I try not). And I never even thought of really getting married before Dan proposed me (I said yes, because I knew I'd have lost him otherwise - and then, I thought him as my husband, after 8 months). So, in certain sense it's his fault that I became one.

I think I should say something wise, but I can't. I'm in love with Wolves of the Calla and I'll get off to bed with it.

Thursday 30 March 2006

It's a carrot! No, it's a bunny!

I made it! *dancing around*

Without any further talking, let me introduce you Spring Surprise from Mosey'n'Me

This is really something out of my genre, but... darned, I like this little fellow! Cute little bunny, isn't it?

I'm planning to finish it as a needlebook, but I've to see do I've suitable fabric in my small stash. And I need to buy some felt...

Anyway, this was really broadening my horizon, and it was successful even though I had minor problems with that carrot. Just because it's a huge block of colour - fortunately I was wise enough to stitch it with GASTs. It'd have been dreadful project with regular cotton.

How Quirky Am I?

Your Quirk Factor: 79%

You're so quirky, it's hard for you to tell the difference between quirky and normal.
No doubt about it, there's little about you that's "normal" or "average."

How Quirky Are You?

Meme-a-holism is a dangerous disease

Shamelessly snatched from Jenna.

  1. What time did you get up this morning?
  2. 7:40 (am) when my cell's alarm clock rang. Finally got up about 8:40.

  3. Diamonds or pearls?
  4. Diamonds. Pearls just aren't my style. (Though diamonds are my style only when they're small.)

  5. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
  6. If I don't recall wrong it was Alien vs. Predator (seen with bits_2_whole), and happened in about stone age (ok, in fact during that time I was with Abhi, apparently it was in 2004...). I don't go movies that often - at least when I'm single, for some odd reason.

  7. What is your favorite TV show?
  8. Well, I don't watch TV, but if I did... CSI, Law&Order, Oz. Documentaries.
    But only if I ever kept my TV on.

  9. What did you have for breakfast?
  10. Haven't had it yet. Apparently it'll be coffee, natural yoghurt with berries and rice cakes. I think. Have to see.

  11. What is your middle name?
  12. I've two "middle" names so which one? And current or future ones (to which I identify better for some "odd" reason)?

  13. What is your favorite cuisine?
  14. Hmm... Japanese (I love sushi!), Greek and Indian - at this moment. In general everything good is good.

  15. What foods do you dislike?
  16. Meat. But in my case you don't ask Do you like it?, in my case you ask Are you allergic to it?. So, there are no easy answers in the end.

  17. What is your favorite chip?
  18. I'm allergic to potato (and corn so we can't talk about nachos for example) so next question.

  19. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
  20. Hmmm... next question. I've too broad taste and most of my music is in my hard disk anyway so I don't remember names of CDs.
    Consult The Book of Armaments.

  21. What kind of car do you drive?
  22. I don't have driver's licence, nor car.

  23. What is your favorite sandwich?
  24. I don't eat bread. Wheat/ rye allergy. But I do like rice cakes with mayonnaise, cheese and pickled cucumber.

  25. What characteristics do you despise?
  26. In myself or in others? Ignorance, arrogance, lack of curiosity, dishonesty, intolerance (I'm intolerant in that way. ).

  27. Favorite clothing?
  28. Anything black. At this moment long sleeved shirts (it's winter anyway) and pants with "bootcut", in other words pants with straight legs.

  29. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
  30. Hmm... In fact I don't know.

  31. What color is your bathroom?
  32. White and mint green. Yuck.

  33. Favorite brand of clothing?
  34. As long as it's black and in my price range...

  35. Where would you want to retire?
  36. Being 26... ask that after 20 years.

  37. Favorite time of day?
  38. Depends. In winter days because sunny winter's days are just amazing. In summer nights as I love nightless nights. I use to stand on balcony drinking tea/ coffee and listen birds singing.
    In general night.

  39. Where were you born?
  40. Hospital.
    In Jorvi Hospital, Espoo, Finland.

  41. Favorite sport to watch?
  42. Anything with "well developed" men in tights - or in similar clothing. To be honest, I'm not into watching sports.

  43. What type of detergent do you use?
  44. General detergent? Ajax.

  45. Coke or Pepsi?
  46. Neither, I'm allergic to nuts (in this case it's cola nut).

  47. Morning person or night owl?
  48. Depends on the situation.

  49. What size shoe do you wear?
  50. Anything from 41 to 43.

  51. Do you have pets?
  52. Four cats. I'm their pet and they're my masters.

  53. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share with everyone?
  54. Noup.

  55. What did you want to be when you were little?
  56. I wanted to be many things. Nurse, truck driver, vet, architect, teacher, social worker.... you name it.

  57. Favorite candy bar?
  58. Don't eat candy in bars. Rarely eat candy in general nowadays. I've no need.

  59. What is one of your best childhood memories?
  60. I don't categorize. There are quite a few to be honest. (To some that may sound odd, as my childhood really wasn't a happy place to live in.)

  61. What are all different jobs you have had in your life?
  62. Voluntary animal tender, voluntary shop assistant (in local fair trade shop), voluntary camp leader; dishwasher, cashier, theatre producer/ actor/ seamstress/ etc., weaver, "product trimmer".

  63. What color underwear are you wearing?
  64. Underwear? Haven't been in shower yet so... This was more information than you needed, but it's your fault. You asked.
    Probably purple.

  65. Piercing?
  66. If you call them piercings: one hole in each ear. I don't use earrings at this moment, so I don't know are those even open anymore.

  67. Eye color?
  68. Greyish blue, blueish grey - with brown circle around the iris. Blue when I'm happy, grey when I'm sad, and few days ago I noticed that they're green sometimes. I don't know yet why.

  69. Ever been to Africa?
  70. No.

  71. Ever been toilet papered?
  72. No, it's not habit in here.

  73. Love someone so much it made you cry?
  74. Just ask how many times...

  75. Been in a car accident?
  76. Once.

  77. Croutons or bacon bits?
  78. Neither. Wheat and pork...

  79. Favorite day of the week?
  80. Everything goes.

  81. Favorite restaurant?
  82. I don't eat out that much.

  83. Favorite flower?
  84. Poppies, chili flowers. All those ones you call weeds.

  85. Favorite ice cream?
  86. I used to love ice cream with cookie crumbles. Nowadays I'm happy with good vanilla ice cream.

  87. Disney or Warner Brothers?
  88. No comments.

  89. Favorite fast food restaurant?
  90. I don't eat fast food. We never learned such a habit in my childhood, so Thank you mom.
    As you may deduce, I've my opinions about fast food.

  91. Carpet Color?
  92. Latte.

  93. How many times did you fail your driver’s test?
  94. 0. Never took one.

  95. From whom did you get your last email?
  96. "Last" and last... newest one in OE's list is from my old school.

  97. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
  98. I don't have actual credit card. Visa Electron is cash card even it's considered as credit one. But in case there were one to max... I'd find some good needlecraft store, probably online one because I hate shopping.

  99. What do you do most often when you are bored?
  100. I rarely get bored. And if so, I usually clean - you could deduce it from this place...

  101. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire?
  102. No comments.

  103. Ford or Chevy?
  104. Neither.

  105. What are you listening to right now?
  106. You can see it, as always, under this entry. After Sounds is usually one song I've listened during blogging.

  107. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
  108. Protoplasm.

  109. Time you finished this?
  110. 9:55 (am)

Wednesday 29 March 2006

Chickens with personality disorders

They say you shouldn't laugh at serious matters. I've noticed that it may help you survive.

I found this while reading Holding the Mirror - The life of one Narcissistic Enabler. Site which I happened to find by accident while trying to find one feed.

  • If the chicken crosses the road back and forth,repeatedly, while worrying about being hit to the point until it forgets which side it started on in the first place, it has Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder.
  • If the chicken crosses the road in traffic because"they" are coming after it and "they" control the traffic lights - oh, and the cars are part of the plot to kill it too - then it has Paranoid Personality Disorder.
  • If the chicken crosses the road against the light and then takes a baseball bat to every car that passes it, then it has Antisocial Personality Disorder.
  • If the chicken crosses the road because it thinks all the other chickens are talking about its feathers and therefore its feathers must be ugly and it must hide from everyone, it has Avoidant Personality Disorder.
  • If the chicken crosses the road so it can cause a huge melodramatic scene and get everyone's attention, it has Histrionic Personality Disorder.
  • If the chicken is furious that he is abandoned to make the decision concerning when to cross the road alone and spends his day roaming back and forth manipulating other chickens into crossing when he tells them,the chicken is Borderline.
  • If the chicken will not cross the road because there are other chickens across the street and stands there daydreaming about a glorious road in his imagination, he is Schizoid.
  • If the chicken crosses the road and expects a marching band, reporters and hoards of adoring fans to be there to celebrate this achievement, it has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
My ex mother-in-law is a narcist, so I could say I know more than I should about this matter (not to mention that I married a man who was claimed to be Schizoid - turned out that he wasn't, he has Asperger's Syndrome. I should be thanked about that correction as I found out that things doesn't match.). Not to mention that I doubt that my father may have NPD...

How smart can you be?

In my previous entry (friends only for week or two. It has pictures of needleroll in it) I complained about having major migraine attack... Now I feel good, my head is not hurting like hell and I'm not nauseating anymore. Any guesses why?

Some bright one had forgot to eat! According to my brains it'd be nice to eat now and then, at least once a day... But hey, I can't remember all those silly little things like eating...

I think I could stitch Spring Surprise a bit now when I feel ok again.

Needleroll

(This entry will be made public when needleroll is received.)

This was really a project from Hell. It was so annoying in the end that I'm not even pleased when it's done. I'm just... well, I'm pleased to get it out of my hands.

It all begun from hating all those pinks... It ended to look like this

I meant to finish it in last weekend, but I had a migraine... Then I almost blew it when I was finishing it. Yes, I punched a hole to that fabric! How smart of me, wasn't it? Fortunately it seems that those few stitches I made over it hide it quite nicely... Or what do you think?
It's under that rose, as you can't see.

And well, this is how it looked minute before I put it in envelope to be posted three days after deadline, tomorrow.

Have I said that I hate to stitch roses? Now I've even better reason to hate them. Never, ever again - or not at least in near future...

And now... I'll concentrate on feeling ill. I have a major migraine attack, just to make it perfect...

About Silkweaver

Rósa, I answer here because I was about to blog about it anyway, I got that mail and I've to say I'm shocked, even I haven't read it completely.

I'd say they'll lose some big bucks because of that. For example my few euros as they were my only fabric supplier and I don't order hand-dyed that often - only one's I've bought myself are from Odds&Ends.
What really does it is this

    International customers:
    Please note that on all orders that contain any of the standard sale items from the Odds & Ends page or any other discounted items that your order will be subject to actual shipping charges. If you are paying via credit card, there will be an additional shipping charge added after your order has been shipped...
Sorry girls, not for me, thanks. This rat leaves sinking ship without asking any additional questions.

So, in search of new favourite store. It was fun as long as it lasted.

Tuesday 28 March 2006

Just a freaky thought: my life is way too good at this moment. Where's next pit to fall in?

I've to say: M., it seems that you were right. No matter how bitter thought it was.

Quote

    "Freedom of will is given to everyone. If they wish to follow the right path and become righteous, they have the ability to do so. If they wish to follow the path of wrong and become wicked, they have the ability to do so as well."
    Moses Maimonides (Sefer Hamada, Mishneh Torah)

Back to life

Insane blogging continues as I'm unemployed from tomorrow. Anyway.... What, you want to know why?
As I said, it was until further notice type of contract and today I received that further notice (I've to say that my boss looked quite...embarrassed). They had to sack even some of their own (because amount of work reduced drastically all the sudden), so rented workers (like myself) were first to go.

Well, at least it fixed my financial situation quite nicely.

Gentle reminder

As I am very curious person, and you, my readers, are so nice people, do click this link and find your place in this world. I'm not forcing anyone, of course...

Could it be?

My stomach has been aching yesterday and today. Not exactly aching, but my womb has felt quite sore... 14 days since the beginning of my cycle. And I've to admit that I'm quite hopeful that it could be 9th miracle of this world - again. Though I've no way to try to prove myself wrong, as (this) single person has no reproduction related life... Such is life.

Monday Madness; Things to put things in

This week's questions come from Tilly.

  1. Do you use a bag/satchel/wallet?
  2. Do you use the same bag/satchel/wallet everyday or change depending on your outfit?
  3. What do you carry in your bag/satchel/wallet?
  4. Do you check and change the contents of your bag/satchel/wallet before you go anywhere specific or do you take everything everywhere?
  5. How often do you have a good clean out of your bag/satchel/wallet?
Don't mind these crumbs from my rice cakes, trying to eat breakfast here... And this is suitable thing to do in addition to it.
  1. Yes. Shoulder bag and wallet. In fact I don't understand how someone can go on without wallet.

  2. Shoulder bag changes according to my mood, but wallet only when it's necessary to get new one. It'd be too cumbersome to move plastic between two or more wallets. (Those about two or three cards...)

  3. In shoulder bag
    1. Palm (How I survived before I got it?!)
    2. cell (pink, btw)
    3. wallet
    4. travel card
    5. home keys
    6. key card for work
    7. lip balm
    8. lip gloss
    Wallet
    1. Visa Electron
    2. customer profit card for shop chain I use
    3. old receipts

  4. I just check do I have my home keys with me.

  5. What do you mean by cleaning...? (In other words: very seldom)

Monday 27 March 2006

Braiiiinnnnsss....

Whose good idea these daylight savings are? They'll kill me some day.
In other words my brains got messed because time wasn't how it's supposed to be and I slept only four hours last night. Guess how productive I was at work today..?

Been home almost two hours now and still I haven't got my ass off from this chair to get that coffee I've been drooling after since I signed off for today (which was 3:00 pm). And my landlord sent me nice letter: Pay your rent or I'll get you evicted by court order. I'd say that they could have modified that sentence to be bit nicer, as anyway this should be "social housing" in certain sense.
Anyway I sent mail to them about it just to check that everything is ok in the end as I've paid that last week. Ah, one of these days.
Ok, I'm one to blame (I could say that getting this job was heaven sent - for my finances, and psyche), but anyway.

And now when I'm ranting I could rant about not knowing will one person call me today or not. Which means that in theory I can't collapse into my warm, soft bed before 9 pm (though in a way I doubt. He's at work, I assume. Joys of time zones (and being 8 hours behind me).)

My life is getting odd, in case it's not odd already.

...and I seem to have new lurker. Me and my big mouth...

Lack of motivation?

It's spring and that time when people apply for educational institutions. I don't know what has gone into me, but at this very moment I just don't know what I want to be when I grow up. To be realistic, I do know, but I'm not sure... And I think it has to do with this I want to get out of this country, and I want it now! feeling I've been having for some time.

So, law is still what interests me, but to be honest, if I get Finnish education in that area I've to specialize on international law if I want to have any sort of realistic possibilities to get employed in anywhere else...
Then, IT would be one possibility with relatively good possibilities to be employed in case I run away from here. But I've seen what it has brought to bits_2_whole; she's still unemployed, ~1½ years after her graduation. (Ok, one reason for it is 'area' she's specialized for, but anyway...)
Business Administration, why not? I'm greedy b****rd. But then...

Ah, decisions, decisions... and I should make them now, which doesn't make it any easier as I don't want to end up having another degree I don't have any use for. Nor any passion towards it in the end.

Sunday 26 March 2006

Magic of spring

It seems to me that I'm able to lose weight only in spring and summer time.

Last year it begun in May, this year it seems to begin now. One kilo off from my morning weight without changing my eating habits in any way. In fact I may eat more nowadays than I used to. And my job is not that physical even it includes lifting things now and then.

But then, this is completely reasonable phenomenon: my body just do not need anything extra when it's warm. And apparently I've gotten hold of my sleeping disorders as I don't gain any weight anymore - I may gain kilo or two but then it disappears by itself.
I've been in my current weight about six months. And for me that is long time in exactly same weight.
And having stabilized weight may also be one to blame on my menstrual cycle: 29-32 days per cycle in last 3-4 months. It has never (in almost 15 years) been that normal and stable.

Oh mi gosh, I'm getting.... normal!

Saturday 25 March 2006

I prefer my chocolate, coffee and men rich...

Just striking topic once again...

Devil's Cake

    5 dl wheat flour
    1 tsp salt
    1 tsp baking soda
    4 dl sugar
    1 tsp vanilla sugar
    1 dl dark cocoa powder
    2 eggs
    2½ dl milk
    1 dl oil
Mix dry ingredients. Add eggs, milk and oil. Mix until even.
Pour into creased and "floured" baking/ cake tin (~2 litres). Bake in 175 C about an hour.

My (allergy) version; substitute wheat flour with oat flour, add more cocoa powder. (Just because I prefer my chocolate, coffee and men rich (or dark, what ever sounds 'better'). )

Chili gone mad

Some time ago I told how my chili plant thinks it's spring. This is it's first matured 'fruit' for this year. And as you may notice, there's snow outside of my kitchen window.

And yesterday we saw this lovely way of setting flowers on show in that coffee shop we went with my mom. They were on there for advertising purposes, so after we had drank our coffees we strolled to that shop whose ads they were...
       
My mom was nice and bought one for her and one for me, even I'd have bought one for myself anyway. (She was just so happy because she had as much money in her bank account as she thought so she decided to pamper us. )

Well...

When I was lacing my shoes in the morning (at 5:57 am) I noticed that sole of my right shoe was half off... What a great surprise, I thought, and decided to send a SMS to my mom right away. Because I was in desperate need of her credit card.
I got my first pay today, but as it was only week's pay, and I had to pay my rent for this month (finally!) and I need to eat something during next 17 days before I get my first full pay (for two weeks)... I just had to, and I knew that my mom would help me.

So, after getting of from work I headed to city my mom lives in... and now, 18 hours since I woke up I've pair of new shoes and 75 € debt to pay in 24th of April.

It was first time ever when I got out from shoe store in about five minutes with pair of shoes that actually fit! Having broad and otherwise oddly shaped feet I've usually huge problems to find anything I like.
Fortunately I like army shoes, so... yes, I bought army shoes once again. My latest pair served me well almost 11 years. If you note that my old shoes were about 135 € (800 FIM) when we bought them they paid themselves back quite well. (in fact I've to mention one absolutely magnificent feature (as they're designed for use of Finnish Army) in those shoes: double sole! So, even one layer was half off my feet stayed dry even it is snow out there.)

And talking of snow... It's almost April, and it's snowing in here like there will be no spring at all. But it was so beautiful when I got from work, it was so white... one of those moments when I remember why I like this country so much (I do know that there are other places with snow in this world).

I also heard, while sitting in a coffee shop with my mom, that my aunt and her son, my cousin as you all can deduce, had been admiring this while visiting my mother's house.
I've to admit I was pleased.

But now I've to clean litter box and eat something before getting to bed. I have one needleroll to finish during weekend...

Thursday 23 March 2006

Quote

I got part of this in email (I get odd emails sometimes (in fact there's one I've kept almost two years now... got it from person I never get to know very well, but it was so beautiful I just had to save it...) and I googled a bit...

"There is a risk involved in everything. Every time you share a smile; every time you shed a tear, you are opening yourself up for hurt. Some people tread slowly through life avoiding the closeness risk brings; side stepping the things they cannot understand, turning away from those who care too much, those who care too long, those who hold too tightly.

There is never an easy way to love. You cannot approach it cautiously. It will not wait for you to arm yourself; it does not care if you turn away. It is everywhere, it is everything. Love is the greatest of all risks. It is not reliable, it is not cautious, it is not sympathetic. It is unprejudiced and unmerciful. It strikes the strongest of minds in one blow.

Even in the best of times love hurts. It hurts to need; it hurts to belong; it hurts to become the other part of someone without either of yours consent. But from the moment it overtakes you, it hurts worst of all to be alone. The risk of love never depletes. It grows stronger and more dangerous with time; but it is in this total surrender of all defense that we, no matter weak or strong, no matter willing or captive - no matter what - that we truly experience love.

Despite the many things that love is not, outweighing it all are the things that love is. Love is surrender without loss. It is a gift without the cost. It consumes your every thought and your every desire. It is the fuel that urges you to do more than pass through life. It urges you to love. No matter the outcome, having felt love you will never feel the same. It may scar your heart and soul and leave you only memories of yesterday or it may cause every day of your life to feel like there is no need for tomorrow. But love is worth it. It is worth the risk. For all in life, it is the on risk worth taking."

I take this and that... and maybe those ones...

I've been feeling like kid in a candy store lately - even I've been ranting now and then quite much. Not stitching wise, yet, but male wise.
For example today when I sat in train on my way home I saw this gorgeous male occiput, and when he turned his head I saw pair of amazing blue eyes. I could have killed for those... oh.
And then there's this one harshly cute man who is always sitting in same compartment with me in the morning... Ah.
Maybe that's just may way to make my mornings tolerable, as anyway I've to wake up at 4:40... just because I prefer slow mornings.
Maybe it's just spring, even it has never affected like this to me before.

But I don't care about the reason. I just like to do some window shopping.

SBQ; Mysteries

Today's

Stitching Bloggers Question

was suggested by Carol and is:
    "Have you ever participated in a needlework mystery (i.e., a design that you started before knowing how it will look in the end and by which you receive parts of the design via the internet, magazines, or leaflets at spaced intervals)? If so, why did you decide to do the mystery? What appealed to you about it? Did you enjoy it? If you have not done a mystery, would you ever do one?"
Yes, in a certain way I've. Mystery SAL at Linabear BB. Patterns were published at BB in every few weeks.
Why I decided to participate? I had never done one so I thought I wont lose anything if I try. And I enjoyed it, as in addition to patterns I got possibility to blabber about stitchy things in small group of stitchers (it was before I became official stitching blogger so I had not got to know all of you out there).

But I knew it's theme so I don't know does it count.

And hey, I almost forgot MSAL I'm working on currently! It really is a mystery as we get one colour/ week.

Wednesday 22 March 2006

Picture your birth year

One forum user started new thread forum X and I thought it might make good meme, in case anyone is interested.

Make a search with your birth year from Google and choose one picture you like. Share it with us.

Year:

and exact date:

We're famous!

My co-bloggers, have you ever realized that you're publishing writers? You write, you publish it and you even have readers. From every corner of this little geoid of ours.
It really makes you think, doesn't it?

Realized this while price tagging and alarming shoes. I kind of like my job. I have time to think - even it's not very challenging, but it keeps my mind busy enough - and I get paid. Even I don't get paid for thinking, but anyway...
And to be honest, it's not that bad job anyway.

Best way to wake up!

I got IM from Angela last night in which she asked have I checked my emails... I read it when I woke up, then read my mail and guess what?

She gave me $10 gift certificate for Silkweavers! Odds and Ends, here I come!

Tuesday 21 March 2006

Dreaming while you sleep...

Dream about a key. New, shiny key.

Last evening being what it was I think that my mind has a solution, but it just doesn't want to tell it to me yet.
I blame low estrogen levels after menses, but once again my cats were my sanity saving furballs. (I just don't get how people without pets stay sane.) Sometimes I wonder how could I take my bad moments without four purring furry creatures.
But then, that's why I wanted to have them when we separated back in stone age.

Anyway, a key. Symbol of opening new doors. In certain way symbol of hope (Coincidences: I just got mail from one person who seems to be attracted by me (joys of singledom, in certain sense)). I may even get meaning of all of it later, but I need to analyze that dream more.

Yes, I do believe in my dreams.

Monday 20 March 2006

Needleroll!

In case you're LJ user (and one of my friends) and not logged in, do so if you're curious to see my Stitch-A-Thon failure (it's previous post).

But to business... I had something waiting when I got home from work today! I got my needleroll from Linda

Do I need to say more?

Stitch-A-Thon failure

Just weren't on the mood because of that designing flunk it has. But it doesn't look that bad now when I look at it, so it'll be project to spend my evenings with (and those ten minutes I stitch every morning after breakfast and before getting to bus) before it's finished.

In fact there's not that much to stitch anymore. But this is what I wanted to finish.

(This was friends-only entry as long finished item was received.)

What kept me awake last night?

Fortunately I've bad habit to get bed about 8 hours before I've to wake up... Last night I stayed up thinking.
For some reason my mind drifted to think about last year and illogicality of human beings (thats what it seems to be in my eyes, but then I'm simple being with simple mind and I don't get all shades of social eye candy nor every twisted corner of human mind), gender issues and singledom. And of course my little mind who's too straightforward to understand - and which also has ability to see shades and meanings most don't see.

Gender...

In fact, now when thinking of it, gender wouldn't be an issue if world weren't be so black and white, if humans could think also other things than just those extremes.
Or maybe I just shouldn't be this honest and describe myself as female by sex and androgyne by gender. Maybe. Or maybe not. Anyway... I have to admit that I get along much better with gender queer people just because I don't need to explain who I am. But when it comes to Jane and John Does I've to be prepared to be burnt or to explain simple things for hours, as for normal individuals it seems to be just so impossible to understand that there aren't only two sexes nor genders. Not to mention that you can have sex X and gender Y.
Of course I could ask why am I complaining, I got better cards in this game than many others I know.
Anyway, last night I noticed that being nothing and everything is exhausting. As my feminine, masculine and neutral sides are in conflict all the time. It gives me tools to think outside the box, and therefore it's really good thing, but sometimes it'd be so much easier etc. to be just... normal(?).
Of course it'd be... there weren't any need for conversations like

    Y: So, you're male?
    Me: Did I say so? I'm not. I'm female androgyne (manwoman to clarify that term with rude translation).
    Y: But you look like a woman?!
    Me: No **** Sherlock...?!
    Y: You're weird.
    Me: Thanks.
It's interesting, really.

Addition:
I wrote this entry mostly in the morning before I left from home, and I got this idea when I was at work. I've issues with my androgynism at this moment because my hormones seem to be more stable than they've ever been. And hormones do affect in your life and enjoyment you get from it.
As I doubt that in my case my PCOS has modified my otherwise female brains to grow up like this, as they've got more testosterone when growing up than they should have got... so at this moment my androgyn brains don't get enough what they want, and apparently it may be also estrogen they lack because we may have more testosterone and estrogen than average woman I read one article about PCOS few days back and it claimed that) .. Interesting indeed.

For some reason I think that what makes so difficult to understand is that androgynes don't have actual bodily dysphoria - at least I don't have, but I know that I'm not a woman by gender even I'm very much of it physically (and I love it, just to make it even more complex). That is what sometimes makes me think, as part of me lives in wrong sex anyway... how it can survive and be happy?

Singledom

Been thinking of it lately. In addition to loving being free to do what I want I've also noticed that I've very humane reasons to actually avoid getting involved...

  1. I'm afraid of falling to anyone.
  2. I know myself so well nowadays that I know exactly what I want and what I can ask for.
Explanations:
  1. Not because I'm afraid of love, but because I'm afraid of that falling out of love part. That falling. As usually it's me who falls when someone else falls out.
  2. It seems to me that most adults on this globe are immature kids.
Then... I find myself from thinking about things which would be nice to do with someone I'm attracted to. Those little things like just laugh together to something completely stupid joke no one else understands...

Sunday 19 March 2006

Interesting findings

I checked my friends page earlier today and happened to check cathouse_blues' journal (just don't ask why, it was cross_stitch where I found her anyway) and found this most interesting link:

And then, I had interesting conversation with something last night... yes, with something:
    Eliza

    "Eliza (Weizenbaum 1966) is the first chatterbot -- a computer program that mimics human conversation. In only about 200 lines of computer code, Eliza models the behavior of a psychiatrist (or,more specifically, the "active listening" strategies of a touchy-feely 1960s Rogerian therapist)."

Apparently I should blame Eliza, but I realized something while making lunch today: I haven't been single this long (4 months in next Friday) in nine years. Yes, you read it right... nine years.
Even I have been married in between it's frigging long time, as my marriage lasted only about 2/3 of that time.

Migraine

I had this nasty migrainish feeling in my head few days last week, but it seems to me that I found good cure for that sort of things:

  • 800 mg ibuprofen
  • 700 mg magnesium
  • 2 fish oil pills containing
    • 670 mg omega 3 acids (from which 225 mg is EPA and 170 mg DHA)
    • 800 micrograms vitamin A
    • 5 micrograms vitamin D
    • 10 mg vitamin E
  • 8-9 hours of sleep (though in my case those pain killers quaranteed it)
Served with tap water.

Thing is that ibuprofen did not help as itself (I think that one reason for it was it being a hormone-based migraine)- I tried to survive with it two days, but when I added those nutrients to that mix... voilá!

Isn't it funny how some songs can be scary? I was afraid of listening For My Pain's Dancer in the Dark, even it's one of my favourite songs, just because it had to do with Sol and me. Because it was him, us.
Once again I'm surprised. It doesn't hurt, it doesn't make me cry. In fact I'm smiling when I'm listening this.

    The only hope in this endless night
    Is to follow you through the shadows of the deepest blue, away from the light
    I hear your voice is calling me: "Don't be afraid"
    But there's something deep inside of me
    Forcing me to turn away
    Take my hand, don't turn away, I need you to stay
    I know a place where the light and the dark can become as one
    This loneliness is killing me
    Is there a place we both can live?
    You're the dancer in the dark
    You're the child of the light
    You're the sinner of all time
    You're the saint with wings so white
    You're the distant shape in the night
    You're all the innocence left alive
    You're like tainted sun
    You're the star shining bright

But then, it's always good to surprise yourself positively.

Saturday 18 March 2006

Capitalism, that's what I like

Ok, not exactly, but striking headline never hurts.

I've been thinking of purchasing paid LJ account. It's only $19.95/ year and as I've fallen deeply and madly in love with my dearest little blog lately I think it'd make our relationship complete. (Do I sound crazy enough? Good.)
And I really could use few of those features it gives...

In your eyes it wouldn't change anything, but for example my blog might load faster. Most nice features would affect on my part of this blog.
And as it'd be only ~16,4€ it wont be huge investment even if I find upgrade useless.

Needleroll related rant

Someone give me a bazooka!

I'll send my Hello to designer (Sheila Hudson, btw) of that design I use for needleroll. She uses 3804 and 3805 and those shades are almost identical! Assumingly her idea has been giving some depth to those roses, but I've to say that at this point it seems that she has failed drastically! As I don't believe that these colours have been changed that much when converted from Anchor (that magazine gives numbers for Anchor, DMC and Madeira)... difference between dye lots? I don't think so either.

What I have in my hands at this moment doesn't look anything like that picture... so, what's the thing with it? They've edited that picture bit too much?

At this moment I just hope that adding those greens will make it look nicer... as I don't have time to make another one... in case this one wont look any better when finished.

Or maybe I've just gone blind because of all those pinks.

I am Love. (*giggles*)

Snatched from chanda_m, once again...



Who else is love? me scripsit anno 2005

Yes, I did small spring cleaning in my user icons...

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Oh my. (This reminds me about one mail I promised to send to Guy.... oops. )

Anonymous is in fact several posters so I'd give gold medal for chanda_m.