One door closes...

This is one of my "None one knows except you guys" entries. The exception being my mom. So... keep your mouths shut elsewhere. It's not official yet. (Editorial note: since the divorce has gone through I made some of separation related entries public.

I have always said that I am marrying type, but I am beginning to think that I am not that type that stays married - despite her idealised wishes.

You probably see where this is going.

My camel broke its back and I have asked Husband to pack his bags. Something I though I'd never do, something I wasn't actively considering before his latest tirade, but never say never should obviously be my motto.

In certain sense this is not a surprising move, as, even no one knows, I did ponder about leaving just before I got pregnant with Boy as I was feeling that my needs weren't listened to and I was increasingly unhappy with my life. Then I found out I was expecting and all the happy pregnancy hormones started to do their magic.

I was alone since about 21st week of pregnancy, first for a reason, then for a reason unbeknownst to me. Even I asked he didn't tell it.
When Boy was about 2 months old I had a dream where he left for some insanely childish reason. I am known to have premonitions about my relationships, they foresee the fail. Still, I decided it was only a dream and that's it (and I couldn't have told Mr. W. (let him carry that name from now on) about it as he had said I was calling bad spirits and I shouldn't talk about things like that).

Then I tell you that I haven't seen him since mid-pregnancy. He hasn't met his son, Boy hasn't met his father. They were deemed to meet, but this evil woman prevented it.
Because of Mr. W.'s latest tirade.

He has this annoying habit of controlling me. It was sweet and all when we met and so on, but it had a nasty side effect: threats of leaving me right there and then when I missed his call(s). Sometimes I was accused of cheating, as he knew that part of my history.
And since Boy was born I have missed many calls because I have been with Boy (playing/ feeding/ changing/ all those things you do with babies) and my cell phone hasn't. Or we have been out and I haven't heard. Or we have been sleeping and my phone has been on silent - to let Boy to sleep. And even I explained and have told him that he was not my first priority anymore as there is a small baby who needs me more than he does. Still I was told that I have changed.

No shit Sherlock! I became a mother in March in case you missed that.

And for a long, long time I have felt there is no room for me when he was here. That I had to be somewhere playing as small and quiet as possible. And if I happened to glance his laptop's screen it was something dreadful.
I felt that it wasn't my home even it was and is. But if I tried to talk with him about it or anything else considering us or my wishes or feelings it ended up me feeling even worse and we never talked.

Not feeling comfortable at my own home also meant no stitching as I need a comfortable place for it.

There are thousand things... like always noticing and being nasty about it if I had gained a little weight, but never encouraging when I lost weight. Or telling that I was just basically lazy and hypocondriac when I tried to explain that my lack of doing stuff was all about my thyroid.

Things were piling up in my little head. Understandably. But love makes us blind.

Well, his last tirade was about me not picking up a phone or returning his call. "That call came from an anonymous number, how did you expect I know it was you?" And he knows that I never answer to anonymous numbers if I am not expecting a call from one. Because usually they are telesalesmen.
He got frantic and while at it denied his own son, in my eyes, and me, threatened with leaving for good and made me understand that it can't go on. Not anymore. Not with Boy around. That it had to stop.

I thought about it for two days and went through his words over and over again to find what I missed, that I was wrong. Never found it. And then I asked him to pack.

Understandably in his opinion I had misunderstood him grossly and was lying (ah, again. I am SUCH a liar, you know. If you listen to him.... and then he claims he never said so), but still he didn't make a single move to try to convince me otherwise, even I gave the opportunity to him on a silver platter... and I don't know a single person who hadn't even tried to change my mind had they been in that situation. Which does, in my sick mind at least, that he wasn't much opposed to leaving, he just wanted that I do the dirty job.

It is slowly sinking in that there is a big, dark forest of custody arguments and bureaucracy ahead of me, but at least I can ensure Boy balanced environment.

It's funny really... some time ago I found myself thinking that if I wasn't married and didn't want kids I would be completely happy without a relationship screwing up my life.
The problem lies in wanting kids. I still want more of them... but that's not this year's thing, no the following one's (Luckily I still have time). Now I'll concentrate on practical things and try to find Boy and me a bigger apartment and start life all over again.

Only good things

Surprising as it is - or maybe I just imagine that I have been companing quite a bit last year or so.

The most important good thing, is that today is/ was our 2nd anniversary as a couple!
Admittedly it is not surprising as for some reason it has always felt that we are us, period (if anyone undertands what I am trying to say).
But I have come to realise that I have really been found by a really great Man, much greater than I thought even I have always thought very highly of Him. (Admittedly He is sometimes somewhat frustrating, but no one is perfect, I guess.)

Secondly: recently I have come to see the light after years of darkness.
I would have never imagined that my life was so dark, muted, dull than I have now realised it was. And all just because one wise doctor gave me prescription for little white pills. Those little pills are like candles, they are bringing light to the ultimate darkness I used to call "life", and now I see how dark it was and still is.
But I know it is only getting better from now on and I know there will be more and more candles. Some day my life will be filled with light, even occasionally some candles become dimmer.

I don't know am I exorcising evil spirits as I am beginning to hope that my thyroid would just turn off completely as it would make life much easier in the end. Even though it would also mean that in case I do not have access to thyroxine I will fade away fast.
I just hate not being able to eat nectarines. I hate seeing my thyroid grow and shrink on daily basis. I hate those dim days because my thyroid has decided to take a day off causing the glass jar dose being too small.

Thirdly: I have finished (stitching and finishing wise) six (6) stiching smalls within last month!

I am soon beginning to think that the medication has had some kind of an effect on me!

Alive and well

They say you should never compare people so I won't, but let's just say that this life has taught me many things and one of them is value of a man who calls you when he is late and tells you why he is late even when you are not asking.

Those tiny things, those tiny things which say "I love you" louder than anything else.

I may have said it before, but I say it anyway: it was really worth every second to be single so long before Mr. Wonderful found me. And soon we have been together as long as I was waiting for Him.

So...

Everything is well, I am not, but that is normal anyway. *grin*

I have even been stitching lately, not much or quickly, but I am loving every minute spent stitching over one on 36 count linen. I have missed that. Maybe I even give you some stitchy content some day again. o.O

So, I am off to stitch again! Have to keep my mojo going now that I have found it again!

Writer's Block: Turn and face the strain

First of all I wish to thank everyone for the well wishes upon our marriage. ^^

 

Suitable meme for this period of my life...

I would say that the biggest was absolutely getting married with Mr. Wonderful and I would say it is nothing but a HUGELY positive thing. ^^

Let Me Introduce You... Mrs. Wonderful!

Some of you already know it through Facebook, those of you who didn't know: Yes, you read it right! We are now officially Mr. and Mrs. Wonderful. ^^

It was a very small, but beautiful, ceremony last Friday, just the two of us, the registrar and two witnesses from the magistrate.

To the shock and awe of everyone who know me I took Husband's surname after my vows of *never* taking my husband's name... but my brain told differently.
We had discussed my surname when we got engaged and I was SO keeping my maiden name, until I noticed at work that I was continuously about >this< close to sign things with Husband's surname... and then, one day after coming home from work I told Him that it seems that I am taking His surname anyway (and it is much more convenient if we look at the bigger picture (and much more rare in here than my maiden name *grin*)).

This also leads to shocking revelation of us having been engaged to be married since 29th of March last year until last Friday, and I didn't tell you (ok, some of you did kind of knew)! Shame on me. *grin*

It's funny how I remember almost nothing about the ceremony itself, but am still aware that when the registrar asked Husband will He take me as His wedded wife He said most beautiful things ever - simple yes would have been extremely beautiful in that situation, but He took it further. I was all smiling yello, wobbling and smiling, and my answer was simply "Absolutely yes!".

Gosh, it was SO wonderful.

And for some reason it seems to me that getting married really improved our relationship in so many ways. Funny, but great - apparently there is better form of great and we just have gotten into it. Which I do not oppose at all, just keep wondering how sweet life can be sometimes.

Writer's Block: Ten years to the day

 

Let's say that I don't expect anything, but I hope, wish and pray that we, Mr. Wonderful and myself, are happily married, have been blessed with children, He has a good job (or rather His own business as that is what He really wants) and live normal family life in where ever we live.

 

This is actually in some terms very current topic as we found out yesterday that my local magistrate has given us wrong information last year regarding those infamous documents.
We found it out as He called me and said He has the documents (at this point I was deliriously happy that He is finally coming home), asked me to call there and double check with the magistrate... and we found out that some incompetent dimwit hasn't told everything to us and the person I spoke yesterday thought that it is completely our fault, because we should apparently know things better than they do. (You simply can't ask the right questions if someone, a professional, does not ask those questions from you first and let you know how all eventualities affect to everything.)

And I should therefore make some phone calls today - and being the mean bitch I am I will also call another magistrate in the vicinity and ask about the same topic from them as I am not too confident about the local one giving any correct information any more... I wonder why.

ETA: I am not very surprised, though very relieved. I called the Other Magistrate (too much Harry Potter, yes) and they said that the first info we got from local magistrate was accurate, so no need for tons of other papers.

I could almost have the courage to say that He is returning home soon if I wasn't too afraid of "painting devils on walls". G-d willing He will be back soon.

Once upon a time, approximately 47433600 seconds ago...

18 months ago I heard that soft, sensual voice and saw His Gorgeousness first time in person and couldn't believe that He really was here, that He really was here for little old me and meant business with everything He had said to me in His emails, texts and calls.

18 months ago we sat in the back seat of a taxi holding hands and smiling to each other, just because we were finally together.

Somehow it doesn't feel like 18 months. It feels like we had known much longer and it feels like it was last week. But the main thing, and what is most important, is that this feels good.

No, not just that... We, us, our relationship, feels better and better day by day.
(Of course no relationship is perfect because it consists of two imperfect persons, but I want to grow old and cranky with Him and tell stories to our grandkids about how it was back then when grandpa moved to Finland.)

And every day I try to remember to stop and thank G-d for listening my prayers and bringing this wonderful Man into my life. And every now and then I tell my Wonderful how blessed I am to be loved by Him.

Sometimes it really hits me how tremendously blessed I am and wonder what good I did to meet Mr. Wonderful. Whatever it was, I am deliriously happy for it.

Out of these 18 months we have been separated by a continent, or two, for over 12 months and still I haven't felt lonely for one second. I miss Him every second He is not here, but I am not alone, no matter where He is, as He is in my heart.
Admittedly I see Him everywhere, in little things, facial features of people, verbal expressions they use... all those little things remind me of Him, even they have nothing to do with Him - they just are similar, but still incomparable with His ways.

Some of you may wonder why I adress my Wonderful always with capital letter... I do it because I respect Him. There are men and then there is The Man, my Man. That capital letter defines Him and His importance to me.

I love Him. He loves me. He still calls me Angel. ^^

All is well in the world.

1999,5: Sigh, Spoof and This-And-That

Editorial note: for some odd reason my LJ client published this entry in draft state. It probably has been my mistake, but still I can't recall clicking that little Post Entry button... Regardless, the official, better version is now here.

 

Editorial note II: I know this is officially my 2000th entry, but I promise to draw the name the name of the lucky winner when I am feeling less lousy. Show some pity to sick person, please.

 

His flight departed early in the morning of 3rd of January and it feels so empty in here without Mr. Wonderful. This was a home when we left to the airport, when I came back it wasn't a home anymore, just a place. Luckily His belongings here prevent me from being completely moody.

It is great to see that the amount of His belongings here is increasing slowly (which means lots of clothes to smell! I am perverted that way. His scent soothes my nerves) - actually the sight of His clothes in the cabinet make me feel like home again. To be completely honest that is the only thing that makes me feel at home at all at the moment. It's ridiculous how different everything is when He is not here, even the light is of different shade (more blue, when He is at home it's redder).

And next time He arrives He is planning to bring as much as He possibly can as that will be The Day™.

We had a wonderful holiday season together and those 11 days passed too quickly.

He arrived on the most beautiful winter evening, all the trees were covered with snow, the weather was freezing and it was snowing lightly. And He left again on the most beautiful winter's morning with exactly the same weather.
Upon His arrival He said that Finland welcomed Him home with the beautiful weather, and when we were driving to the airport I was thinking that Finland was saying Bye bye, come back soon to Him.

I am so confused about His absence that I don't really know what to say even there is so much to blog about. Which probably means that I am quite a sad case as I knew that He would travel again on 3rd.

I have been so confused that I haven't had enough words to write about the things I want to write about.

 

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." (Mahatma Gandhi)

Those of you who haven't been in complete media blackout within last month know about the attack on NWA flight 253 on Christmas Day and the consequences it has had.

Less surprisingly we followed the news about the incident very closely for various reasons. Of course we were curious because Mr. Wonderful is Nigerian citizen (dual citizenships are wonderfully confusing to many ("But didn't you just say he is British?")) and there has been no records whatsoever of international terrorism (islamic or any other kind, just internal issues) in Nigeria (which is basically half muslim, half Christian and healthy serving of indigenous people to spice things up country), and we are both also quite critical about the way certain countries handle and publicize certain, even though extremely unfortunate and cowardly, events.
Therefore I found this clip extremely entertaining - and for some reason Hitler talking about how he wants a Nigerian wife makes it hilarious (even though Hitler as a person was or is never a laughing matter).

Nigeria is a troubled country, but to judge whole country because of one idiot who got radicalized abroad (maybe in UK, as he had to have some reason to go to Yemen where he was supposedly trained) is in my less humble opinion... stupid.

 

Otherwise...

Mr. Wonderful is in sunny Lagos at the moment seeing family after few years and getting some things He left there last time - next time we hopefully travel together.

And I am sick again.

But, and this is a BIG but(t har har): I do not, I repeat, I do not have sinusitis (though I have to admit that I have already found a positive side of sinusitis: your nose is not running like Niagara. I had already forgot how much fun it is to have a regular cold without blocked sinuses... )! This is apprently thanks to my Neti which I have started to use again only few days before getting the virus.
The Secret of it all seems to be the salt used: I started with regular salt and it caused me migraines. Hence I hid the Neti to toilet cabinet, until I dug it out again and decided to try it with Himalayan salt which is not refined like the regular table salt (and which can be found from local "Eco" store only 12€/ kilo).

There has been two noticeable advantages from it within this short period: I smell things better (which is great as I can still smell my Wonderful's scent when I come home, whereas I couldn't before I started rinsing) and I am on better mood. Oxygen is a funny thing.

And I miss my Darling. Funnily enough nowadays I still feel like He was here close to me even when He isn't - but still even feeling close to Him at all times does not take away the devastating emptiness when He is not here.

Luckily He calls me more often now that I am sick. ^^ (I called Him today, a short 60 - 90 second call, and it was like three euros! O.o So, I rather let Him call me, anyway He has always been better caller than I am.) And when it comes to phone calls I find it very interesting that when He calls from Nigeria the quality of the signal is much, much better than from Spain. Though that is not the only thing that is far worse in Spain than in Nigeria, I can tell that based on personal experience.

1994: Sigh

If Mr. Wonderful can't find less expensive tickets He won't be able to come home for holidays, so prayers, good thoughts, sacrifices and what ever makes you and your possible deity/-ies tick would be much appreciated.

The thing is that His friend would pay the ticket if it would be reasonably priced, but you can all imagine how it is in December... everything is about bazillion euros.

If He can't make it we have to be apart for another 1½ - 2 months... as around January He needs to travel to Nigeria to get His diplomas (He planned to immigrate there some years ago and left His diplomas and other important papers there while visiting relatives) to apply Uni in here to get another Bachelor's degree - and this is another thing for prayers etc. as His brother has promised to try arrange the ticket to Him, if he can and that depends on few other things... (Another logistics nightmare, too, as His brother lives in States.)

Causality seems to be the theme of our lives at the moment. Just can't wait for the chain of causes to get into the point when we are able to continue our every day life together.