Tidbits

I finally got stimulant medication in June last year and so much has changed since! 

I experienced silence for the first time in my life (I was 41, mind) when I took my first pill. The tornado that is my brain calmed down and all the sharks (Sharknado!) turned into little fishies whom I can easily catch and adore as long as I want to, and release them when I am done. In other words I can focus on a thought, think about it and release it when I am done with it.

What is even better is that I got back to University. And not just got in, my points were so high that I was literally among the best in the country applying to study BBA through admission exam. Last time, years before I was diagnosed and medicated, I barely got in to my alma mater that was, and is, much less popular. (Think of 2,95% of applicants versus 20% of applicants.) I did this while having a migraine and after not sleeping well due excitement.

And, to my surprise I have returned all my assignments on time! I can sit down and decide to study! I can study! My brain works (often)! And I don't need a week of rest after having to think. I feel like I can! And let me tell you... that is a new feeling to me. I have always known I am smart, I am not saying that, but I have always known that I can't perform to my level. And that does stuff to your self-esteem. Bad stuff. A lot of it.

I still have bad days as even the slightest changes can affect how the meds work. Gut is upset? Meds don't absorb, good luck with that. Menses? Low estrogen affects to how meds work. You don't feel like eating breakfast? You better do, and make no changes to it as your meds won't absorb correctly! 😁 It can be a challenge, but... even on a bad day my life is better than it was on a good day before I knew why I am so... unable.

Tiny got a nice new teacher and new meds in August, and he is striving in school and that makes me happy. He doesn't hate school anymore, but works to get as good grades as possible even I am not demanding As. I still remember that sad, hurting little boy he was before his diagnosis and it fills me with joy to see him so motivated and aware of his abilities.

And Wolfie is being as amazing and wonderful as ever. 💖 I am so blessed to have him as my partner. I have always felt blessed for having met someone so amazing, even when it hurt, and the volume of my gratitude is approximately the size of the Universe now that I have him again. 🥰

Confessions of a scatterbrain

Geez, it has been a LONG time. A lot has happened and still nothing has happened. 

Tiny still grows up every day. (Can you believe that he is NINE?) Wolfie loves me and tells me every day how amazing I am. 💓 And I was, finally, recently diagnosed with ADHD. 

Within one year both Tiny and I have got the diagnose. Now I have a kid who is more himself than he was, but now that I need to figure out how to explain to the world that he is not weird just because he functions a bit differently and needs stimulants to survive with school and life. And me... gosh. 

When I was diagnosed I reduced my coffee intake to prepare for the stimulant medication. Well, being 41, obese and having The Genes on both sides my BP was elevated. A lot. Part of it is stress as everything makes me overstimulated, starting from random sounds and going to trying to manage life with ADHD kid when your own ADHD has only gotten worse. Reducing my caffeine intake has had but negative effect on me. Coffee has literally been my legal, prescription free stimulant and without my normal dosage I am lost. It has been sucky 2,5 months. There is light at the end of the tunnel though. My BP is almost low enough now and it seems that my EKG was clear as no one has called me about it. Which means that when we get the numbers nudged a bit more I get my first trial! 🤩

Wolfie... oh my. I knew he was amazing from the moment we stumbled upon each other online back in 2006, but I never knew how amazing, how perfect he is, before we rekindled. I often tell him that even I had made him myself I hadn't been able to make him as perfect as he is. And even we have known for over 15 years I still gush about him like we had just met. We have decided it is our normal to be gushy and overly sweet and our intention is to be that disturbingly loving old couple one day. 😈

Long time, no see

I have thought about writing an entry for about bazillion times. But to no avail as life has been overwhelming and my head has been even greater mess than it usually is.

But I talked to Someone Very Dear about my blogging recently and he wondered why I have ceased to do it because I was good at it... Back in the day when we got acquainted. 12 years ago.

No, there's no Mr. Right Now.
Someone Very Dear to me is that missing piece of my soul, Mr. Wolf from aeons ago.
It's funny really. It has been years since last time and when we talk (well, type) it's like those years never existed. I never get that with people. Never. Time gets between me and my ability to act normally. Usually.

Which probably has something to do with the fact that I may have inattentive ADHD and it causes me to have problems with social interaction. among other things (like life). It's not official, but it would explain a lot (a WHOLE lot). and preliminary testing points heavily to that direction. It would also explain why Tiny has ADHD too (and vice versa). This is recent addition from this summer, but it was not a surprise to anyone who is in contact with him. And hopefully there will be medication trial this year as Tiny goes to preschool (today!) and needs to amp up his concentration.

Maybe I am back, who knows. Let's see.

He is a special child, indeed.

In his four year checkup Tiny's public health nurse recommended us an evaluation at special needs child health centre as Tiny did not wield age specific tests. Six months and two evaluations later Tiny's special friend got a name: SID, sensory integration disorder. Which explains a great deal of him.

And a great deal of me...

It also makes it easier for both of us as now his special friend has got a name and it's easier to understand Tiny's sometimes really difficult behaviour (meltdowns). And now I see why he did not manage those tests: he clearly doesn't trust his nurse and as I had to leave the room for his testing Tiny blocked the lady out and started to do his own things. He has huge issues with having to be close to strangers if he doesn't initiate the contact - he panics if he has to sit next to someone he doesn't know in a bus, even if I am next to him. You can imagine how it must be for him to be alone in a closed room with someone he has met twice. (On the other hand Tiny was really smitten about that occupational therapist who evaluated him. We may have to keep her even she's not specialized in SID kids.)

Funnily enough daycare was worried about Tiny's linguistic development and it turned out to be only thing there are no worries about. He just needs some speech therapy, like I did, but his linguistic abilities are completely normal. SID just makes him seem like he doesn't always understand. And my family is full of people just like him.

6 x 9 = 42

Life's dragging along. I am eagerly waiting for that day when it becomes normal again, without constant obstacles thrown on our way.

Tiny's tummy ache was diagnosed as food allergy (as I suspected) after few dozens of blood tests to opt out all kinds of nice things like colitis, celiac disease, amebas and other funny parasites. He is now off dairy, eggs and fish and has become more like his old self.
It turns out he may have been allergic last two years, if not his whole life... he just hasn't been able to communicate it and haven't realised that it is not normal to have nausea and tummy ache until now.
This and my father's cancer cause enough stress to make my system more unstable and it seems that my allergies (and my thyroid) may be worsening again. Yay. It would make life really interesting, though luckily Tiny is at day care so he gets diverse diet even if ours were more restricted.

But on the bright side, it's Mother's Day and we have cake!

So... Bumpy ride goes on and on.

I got SRTD from noise and spent summer with a burnout and was stupid enough to go back to school like nothing. Then I got sick and was too sick or tired to do anything 1,5 months. So, fall semester went to dogs.

We relaxed whole holiday period, it was tons of fun for both Tiny and me, and in January I started studying with goals.

Tiny got sick. Apparently he is more or less allergic to milk, fish and bell peppers. At least. And he reacts with his intestines. So, he has been at home a lot because his tummy hurts and he has reflux symptoms. Based on his blood work and check-up he is a healthy lad. At the moment we are waiting to get an appointment with allergy specialist. Until then I get to hear "mom, my tummy hurts" almost daily. And it sucks.

Then my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer with several metastasis in his liver. It's unoperable as long as he has them. And life expectancy isn't great even at its best: 10 % of PC patients are alive after one year, 2-3 % after five years.
And I worry already how Tiny will take it when his grandpa dies. "Luckily" he is no stranger to death: my sister's older cat died of cancer some time ago and Tiny helped our mother to bury her. He has been asking lots of questions about dying since. And he still thinks everyone will be buried at granny's yard when they die. *grin*

So. This is how it has been. I am hoping this would be enough for next ten years or so...

Long time, no see

Life has gotten on the way. Getting used to studying is harder than I thought and less surprisingly I have also been sick quite a lot (Tiny's in daycare so he brings all kinds of fun things home - luckily he hasn't been sick that much) so I have huge timing issues at the moment.

And our downstairs neighbours have become huge PITAs. Which is not good in any level.
Six months after we moved here I have reached high enough level of insanity and we are looking for a new place to live.

Tiny is afraid of the noise and has also woken up to it - luckily not as often as I have.
First I tried to be nice and notified them that they are making too much noise. Few times of that and they refused to open the door. I contacted our landlord, twice, with disturbance reports and they contacted our neighbours to no avail. And when Tiny said that he is scared of the monster (once again downstairs was having a ball) I got fed up: since then it has been security and written complaints.
But as the sound only comes to our apartment they won't be evicted... or let's say it's not that likely.

Fun times. Now I am just hoping and praying that we would get a new place quickly.
We went to see one apartment (technically two) yesterday, let's see what they say as I know we weren't the only ones who were interested. (Though they basically have two similar apartments free, so.... let's cross all possible body parts, shall we?)

Abandonment

I don't think that it would matter much to me that my brother acts like three- year old if there wasn't someone else involved: Tiny.
Because by doing his thing my brother is the second man in Tiny's life who has left him before he turned two.

It hurts me when Tiny mentions "Unke Pampa" because I know that he remembers his uncle, even I wished he didn't - but I have learned that little children have terrifyingly good memory.... at least Tiny does.
And it makes me wish that I could hit that guy, hard. Because he is so fu*king blind or stupid or bitter that he fails to see what he is because he is what he is. Because he hurts my son.

I have been absent again as I sought solitude, I needed to calm down.

I don't know where it started exactly, but I guess part of it was the relief of getting things settled regarding Tiny's custody and the divorce - and frustration for the bureaucracy after I tried to apply for child support from the government (as mr. X haven't and won't pay it). And other things.
I was in the verge of imploding for weeks, but after almost a month at the country I start to feel like myself again. And it also makes me more confident about my decision to move here, as soon as we get a place to call home.
It's quiet here, soothing. The sky is wide, highest building in the vicinity has only six stories.
It's beautiful and cozy in here, regardless of being "in the middle of nowhere" (there's ok public transport and health services seem to be good too, at least for children*).

I haven't even had the energy to think of stitching, let alone actually make stitches.
Admittedly I have had energy to have irresponsible S.E.X. to celebrate and to get my mojo back. And it has helped. Shopping. Now I at least think of stitching.

I have found Casa Cenina again after I realized that they ship with DHL when your order is over 35 euros. In layman's terms: they deliver it to your hand and usually within 24 hours after it has been shipped.
/me likey and this probably keeps me away from Sewandso from now on. (Which basically means I will be much better, right? Having one less ONS to spend my money at? )

But even I think of stitching it seems that my free time will be spent listing stuff on local auction site and it should all be listed (and preferably sold) before the material for the admission exam is published, around the end of September.
That is also the deadline for packing all the things we can live without for two months (I write like we had a place to live here already )... I think I am going to be busy for a while.

*Tiny got a 2nd degree burn on the back of his hand ~week ago and we have visited local health center twice because of it. Third time is on Monday.

Mr. Murphy Was Here

As usual things tend to go awry when they are going well.

First I had nasty URI for over four weeks (and chances are that I got a sinusitis from it), then I shattered the screen of my phone (insurance covered 56 euros, initial bill roughly 202 euros...) and one of my teeth started acting up (its first root canal treatment visit is on Friday, oh joy!). And stress is not good for my mojo, or blogging. Or me.

But, I have been stitching a bit lately. My mom brought a Lightning McQueen cross stitch kit from Tallinn and I just had to start it, even Tiny knows nothing about it, and it is slowly beginning to look like a car (no pics as for now as I dislike my old sucky Nokia with passion).
I'll probably finish it as a small pillow or somesuch so Tiny can carry it around and adore it.

And on good news:

Mr. Tiny, also known as my little bundle of joy and/ or frustration (he is in *that* age, see), turned 2! Despite being born last week he did turn two... I guess he goes school in next month or so. *grin* (He'll start school 2019... but goes to kindergarten within a year. o.O)

So, here I am. Alive and more or less well. Just tired and stressed and so on. *grin*

Happy Mothers' Day to me

It has been like any other day: we have done laundry (Tiny has helped by throwing wet laundry on the floor), picked up Tiny's Duplo giraffe up from under our balcony (he has invented a new "fun" game: he throws stuff over the railing - we live on second floor), played, made some yeastless focaccia for Tiny (admittedly I ate A LOT of it) and practised falling asleep without his bottle.

He is such a precious little lad and such a big boy already, he even wiped the floor today (with our dishcloth). *grin*

We have a good life together, Tiny and I, and even I am not perfect Tiny seems to think that I am the best. And that's all I need.