So... Bumpy ride goes on and on.

I got SRTD from noise and spent summer with a burnout and was stupid enough to go back to school like nothing. Then I got sick and was too sick or tired to do anything 1,5 months. So, fall semester went to dogs.

We relaxed whole holiday period, it was tons of fun for both Tiny and me, and in January I started studying with goals.

Tiny got sick. Apparently he is more or less allergic to milk, fish and bell peppers. At least. And he reacts with his intestines. So, he has been at home a lot because his tummy hurts and he has reflux symptoms. Based on his blood work and check-up he is a healthy lad. At the moment we are waiting to get an appointment with allergy specialist. Until then I get to hear "mom, my tummy hurts" almost daily. And it sucks.

Then my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer with several metastasis in his liver. It's unoperable as long as he has them. And life expectancy isn't great even at its best: 10 % of PC patients are alive after one year, 2-3 % after five years.
And I worry already how Tiny will take it when his grandpa dies. "Luckily" he is no stranger to death: my sister's older cat died of cancer some time ago and Tiny helped our mother to bury her. He has been asking lots of questions about dying since. And he still thinks everyone will be buried at granny's yard when they die. *grin*

So. This is how it has been. I am hoping this would be enough for next ten years or so...

Lazy or just lacking that extra 24 hours?

I know I am biased in this matter, but I still can't understand why it seems to be so incredibly difficult for people to understand what it means when someone is, as I call it, solo parent. (I don't know if there is a real English word for someone who is 100% single parent. In Finnish we are called "totally single parents" (totaaliyksinhuoltaja or totaaliyhäri) so I use "solo parent" as I think it should be figurative enough.)
Admittedly even people with shared custody call themselves single parents (well, in English it's more accurate, but in Finnish "yksinhuoltaja" (single parent) basically refers to someone who has sole custody and sole responsibility - or it should). What is even worse I have met people who call themselves "single parent" (remember that I use the word just because it translates like that) even they are only "weekend parent" with shared custody.

That confusion with terms apparently makes it really impossible for some, many, people to understand, or even try to understand, how life is when you are the only parent, or both parents in one.
Admittedly it's not that much different when it comes to basics, but the major, major difference lays in time: totaaliyhäri has only 24 hours a day to take care of things that are usually taken care of by two people who have 24 hours a day. And we do not have free weekends, ever, like most shared custody parents - or even single parents if meetings work.
What bugs me in this is that people seem to consider me lazy because I simply do not have time or energy for everything - even I have on average 8 hours of "free time" (which translates to Tiny's daycare day being 8 hours/ day on average) every weekday! I wonder has it ever passed their mind that being two people 24/7 is rather exhausting in the long run... so, when Tiny goes to daycare I walk home, eat breakfast, drink coffee (this takes about 2-3 hours depending do I go to grocery store when I walk home). Wash laundry. Study. Hang laundry. Eat. Study. And all the sudden it's afternoon and I need to go and pick up Tiny. So, in real world I have 4-5 hours tops to actually study.

I'm such a lazy ass b**tard. ^^

Abandonment

I don't think that it would matter much to me that my brother acts like three- year old if there wasn't someone else involved: Tiny.
Because by doing his thing my brother is the second man in Tiny's life who has left him before he turned two.

It hurts me when Tiny mentions "Unke Pampa" because I know that he remembers his uncle, even I wished he didn't - but I have learned that little children have terrifyingly good memory.... at least Tiny does.
And it makes me wish that I could hit that guy, hard. Because he is so fu*king blind or stupid or bitter that he fails to see what he is because he is what he is. Because he hurts my son.

Writer's Block: Capital offense

Ah, don't we all just love questions like this.

Coming from a country where there haven't been any executions during peace since 1825 (Capital punishment in Finland) there is the predisposal (sp?) that I am a liberal extremist.

I am, admittedly, in a sense that I see no sense, moral or legal, in death penalty. If you really want to punish someone take their freedom from them for the rest of their natural life, but there is no excuse to murder a murderer in name of justice.

It is not a surprise to anyone that innocent people are killed by their governments in the name of moral and justice because of corrupt and / or biased courts, even though the spirit of justice should be that an innocent man is never convicted, that even guilty person have be set free if there is reasonable doubt about one's guilt.
Still, every year several innocent people get into death rows because the reasonable doubt is forgotten.

Many reason death sentences with religion, how it is deathly sin to kill someone... but killing someone because they have committed a sin is brutal, and I am quite sure that G-d is not very fond of such practises either as in such cases humans raise themselves to have the undertanding and rights of G-d - and last time I checked that was blasphemy.
Basically human being has no right to judge anyone in such drastic manner - if we use religion and G-d as the basis.

And if we don't I do not see what kind of ethic code would give anyone right to kill someone else. If killing someone is a crime everyone taking someone's life should be judged to death and all the sudden there would be piles of dead bodies...

Sin or no, killing anyone for whatever reason is simply utterly wrong. Period.

Ranting some more

Last Saturday I got an SMS from my mother when I was getting home from work: "The kids left home last night with police. $BOYFRIEND was locked up."

At the moment the kids are, as far as I know, with their mother's parents (who may not be the best choice even though probably safer than ex-sil)... and apparently local social workers still seem to think there's nothing alarming happening... If this happened in any other city in this country the kids would be living with their father by now.

It's rather suprising that $HILLBILLYVILLE's children's social services think that they can continue like that for very long as social workers from two other cities have voiced their concern about the incompetence of $HILLBILLYVILLE's social workers.

That is one odd city... I just hope that something good starts happening very soon in there and the kids get their lives back in track.

Exchange goodies and belated birthday gift ^^

I actually received Cathy's exchange some time ago, but it has been insane at work so it took this long for me to post pictures for you to admire...

Cathy stitched me gorgeous pinkeep using a design on my wishlist and she made it even more perfect as the colours match the pinkeep I received in Here's to Ewe!
She also added some lovely goodies so I was really pampered to bits!

Thank you Cathy!

With stitching friends you can have your birthday more than once every year

For aforementioned reason I haven't blogged about belated birthday gift I got from Leena either...

Leena stitched me cute little Halloweeny ornaments and sent me magazine where the designs are from and skein of Pomme de Pin hand-dyed, which is completely new brand to me (the colour is much better in person, flash just does things to colours) and looks absolutely yummy.

Thank you Leena!

Life in general

There has been annoyance and good things in my life lately, but just to end this entry with positive things a little rant:

I sold some stuff at local auction site in last month and one of the winners has been a nuisance... I sent her win to her about three weeks ago and accidentally found out that she had complaints about the postages (which she accepted and paid when requested) - her claim is that she paid more than the postage was (she should try eBay some day: that is SO common). Accidentally because she had left, excuse my French, paranoia filled rant in my feedback (and of course she gave me negative) without trying to contact me in ANY way before that (she knew my email, of course). Of course I got annoyed and left her negative feedback in return just because she obviously is not a good customer even though she paid quickly... after this she started to harass me in quite threatening way and sent me an SMS threatening to come behind my door (she lives on the other side of the country...) if I don't answer to her call right now...
I sent her courteously chilly SMS that she should read her email and that I do not answer to personal calls while I am at work (it's very common for people to be at work around 8:30 in the morning).

At the moment I am intentionally communicating slowly with her through email trying to help her to see the plain stupidity of her claim: if she had contacted me right after she got the item and asked me for a refund I would have said yes without thinking twice, but after coping with her ignorance, plain stupidity, harassment and obvious lack of sense of reality I am not very fond of the idea. Eventually I may refund her as a charitable action (if her finances depend on those three euros she needs charity!), but she will never get the other things she wants from me: positive feedback. Why would I give to her? She's real pain in my behind and I don't want that anyone else has to suffer from her...

On brighter side of things: I have lately begun to receive my purchases from eBay so I have had lovely stash filled days and pile of new and new/ used stuff waiting for to be blogged about.

But, great things last: first of all I have two whole days off starting tomorrow!
Secondly I have been praised today by our area manager and SALO (our branch's quality control/ improvement and work effectivity program) trainer, which feels good for several reasons. ^^

But now I must run: I just got an email from Mr. Wonderful. ^^

To cling, or not to cling

Sometimes people annoy me more than usual, and surprisingly, clingy people annoy me VERY much, VERY often.

And by clingy I mean those men who just don't seem to get the idea that some people need some peace and quiet, maybe a good night's sleep and that ONE chat (no matter how good time we have had during it), or few emails, don't mean that I am always there for them when ever THEY want it.
Those people who don't get the idea of "I am busy", "I won't be back home before very late and I will probably fall right to bed when I get back" and status which states @work.

For crying out loud, I wouldn't tolerate such behaviour from even a lover, why some people think that it's allowed for someone I barely know?
And if one was so close to me one would have my cell number to be in touch with me at all times, because in that point I would be Ms. Clingy anyway...

Maybe the thing that annoys me most in an obvious obsession for my company is that the fact that I am not wanted by someone I want, by someone who would even be mature enough to give me time to find the attraction - if there is such thing to be found.
Maybe it annoys me that I want someone who is clingy, but in the right way, at the right time, after some time... for some reason it always seems to get into this: troubles of singledom.

[Moment passes]

And surprisingly... it seems that I may end up having a date over a cup of coffee some of these days, with someone who isn't too clingy. O_o (No, it's not The Friend of The Ex... *grin*)

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

The-person-formerly-known-as-my-brother has done it again... this time his opinion seems to be that me and my sister are two lazy ass bitches who don't give a damn of their health. Individuals who rather "spend their time 'tasting' wines than taking care of their health"... (Editor's note: last time I drank any wine was when N. was still around... over a year ago. My alcohol consumption during ast 12 months has been about 6 dosages, tops.)
With that opinion he proved not to know anything about either of us. (He also denies his own bad habits, as he does use more alcohol than either of us, and he does smoke too - which either of us don't do...)

Apparently he thinks that, for example I love to be chronically ill, that I want to be pitied because of it... neither of these assumptions are correct - and he can't be thick enough to actually believe that either.
No person in their right mind wants that, so if he really means what he says he thinks we are both loonies... I admit, I have seen few shrinks, but I have one, and only one, diagnose which doesn't say that I am crazy. I just had an anxiety disorder, which he should understand, he lived through the same things I did as we lived in the same household, we both went through the same Hell when we were kids - we all did. He should understand that even if I am a bit twisted I really have a reason to be so - or maybe that is what he can't stand: we are both as damaged, I just can live with it.
And when it comes to our sister... she can prove that she's completely sane - that is so not normal (being sane). *grin*

Not to mention his obvious need to try to prove that I am wrong with everything I say and supress every opinion I have - he should know by know that I am very stubborn life form and stand behind my opinions as have always been like that. Like I was still five years old... maybe someone should tell him that little /me grew up ages ago.

What bothers me in this is that he became a real ass since I separated. He had few issues with certain opinions of mine (veganism, religious preferences etc.) before that, but he usually kept his mouth shut. Something made him lose it, and no matter how obvious the answer seems to be I don't want to believe it.
How could someone be bitter to his little sister because his sister had the guts to leave her spouse when he didn't have the guts to leave the marriage which, according to him, was doomed. How could an adult dislike his little sister just because she chose other paths in her life?
It wouldn't bother me if everything hadn't changed after that summer, but everything did change.

Why? I still don't understand. I just know that I can't respect someone who doesn't respect me, someone who seems only to think the worst of me.

Maybe everything that happened in our family around 2003-2004 affected to him, maybe he couldn't understand anything anymore and his only way to survive has been becoming hostile towards those people who are, or were, closest to him.
I admit, it was a crazy period, but, in my opinion, it changed almost everything to better... except my brother.
Maybe I am just sad because I have lost a person I could look up to, because I lost an example how a good man behaves, because I can't respect him any more as he doesn't respect me...

(What also makes me wonder is that when it comes dark outside, he shows how much of an a$$ he can be... SAD anyone?)

Really, what is the point?

Ok, I know that some people think that Finland = Russia, but this is a bit too much... being in Bulgaria in WP's opinion.

...and the kids in this neighbourhood

...are still brats without no sense of manners. (I can name one of my neigbours whose kids have never been a problem to me. Or rather to whom I am not problem to... I know I am not like their parents, so? I don't have four arms nor I am have green skin... I really don't get it. Maybe I just have an invisible Oddball tattoo in my forehead. )

And to make it even more fun my new Hebrew book (Masa had an accident *ahem* with the old one) hasn't arrived to the bookstore yet even its delivery estimation was 1-2 weeks and it's almost three weeks since I ordered (and paid) it.

But The Best Thing today was...

I got mail from Leena (who had cunningly mentioned last week that she had sent something - that is so evil, don't you think? *grin*)!

She sent me one of the JCS issues I was drooling over and two Cross Stitchers (they contain Violarium's ads with image of some PD's design (admittedly it feels good to see my designs in an ad in a magazine such well known)), which, surprisingly, actually have couple of designs I might even stitch - there's a design from Ink Circles in JCS and that is a must-do.

Off to do the laundry, prepare my dinner and refresh my Hebrew skills...

I'm freezing!

Nag, nag, nag. It has been around 8 °C outside in the morning for few days and these smartypants haven't put the heating on yet... because it's not even September yet.
Wake up in the reality folks, it's autumn and I need my central heating...

Have I ever said that I have issues with authority, or, to be more spesific, I have issues with people who have authority and who misuse it?
Every time I find such a person I feel like I had been raped afterwards. And because I am so friggin' nice sometimes I can't say what I would like to because it would be rude, and therefore unfair towards the person who has been misusing their authority.
I hate it when someone gladly accepts you to work on something with them, but when it comes to changes on the project or giving any credit they don't see those others worth it. And when you withdraw because you feel you have not been treated fairly you are the evil one, the impossible bitch.

And I know that it is my only option because I can't work with someone I don't trust. Such atmosphere kills the creativity, it destroys all the fun.

Some designers should be shot at dawn...

At least that person whose bright idea was to provide plastic nails with that futon.... Even I know that best solution in something like that is a regular screw (and screwing is fun * depraved grin*), even more when all the holes aren't in their rightful places...

I am pissed, you know?

Solution? My mother comes to help me in Tuesday and takes her friends Drill and Box of Screws with her.

B5 and hypocrisy

Lennier:What kind of drink is that?
Ambassador Vir Cotto:I'm not sure. The bartender called it a 'Shirley Temple'.
Lennier: Interesting. I've studied many Earth religions and I don't think I've ever heard of that particular temple.
Ambassador Vir Cotto: Me neither. But, it's real good.
Lennier: Well then. I shall make a point to visit it on my next trip to earth.

Anyway..

My "dear" SIL has one use: she gives me good rant topics.

Few days ago she was drooling over Finnish equivalent of Chippendales, Hunks. My brother knows one of them and he would have got VIP tickets from this guy, but, as my SIL had head to bed early that evening she missed the possibility. Which made her annoyed because those are just so absolutely gorgeous men, gawddamnit!...
Now, I am not commenting on function of this kind of groups, or the fact that she drools over other men even she has quite nice piece of body living with her (aka. my... what-was-it... brother) and she happens to be married. No, I am not in mood for moral lectures here, but what bothers me is that same women who drool after these so-called-gorgeous men (honestly, none of them strikes my physical fancy (I adore men with good muscular tone and broad backs, but there's something odd in these guys)) are the same women who have a fit if their spouse looks after anyone, and these same women are those who preach about how erotic/ porn industry degrades women. (I don't get into the issue does it or doesn't it.)
I find these women very hypocritical, and what is worst in that... they don't get it. It's sad really.

As I said during same conversation by me... I wouldn't mind my own personal gorgeous (half) naked man shaking his booty to me if he also had IQ of 160. That would be enough for me.
(But then I am odd in that way... if I am involved my partner is most gorgeous man in whole Universe and he's only one I drool after. I am dreadfully faithful and simple, I know.)

Rewriting stories and ranting

Maybe it is just the fact that I am not a morning person, maybe it's phase of my cycle... maybe it is the fact that this world is dreadful place for an intelligent woman... even worse when you happen to enjoy of an advantage called looks.

Ugly duckling developed to a beautiful swan, but no one never asked was that swan happy in the end. Was the swan happier than the duckling because others though it was beautiful? Or was the duckling happier in the end because those who liked it liked it just because it had something to give personality wise? Tell me that mr. Andersen.

I was that duckling, and sometimes I can't help but miss it... life was so much easier.

I got some sort of enlightenment (even I have know it for ages) while reading The Cannibal Galaxy in bed last night (first one from my TBR list down *rolls eyes*): normal is the thing people want (even it makes them unhappy), hence they also act in ways which are considered normal.
To me there is no normal, it's a term created by society because people don't know how to spell common. And what makes it even more sad is that most people don't seem to be able to grasp the difference between normal/ common and absolute truth.
There are no absolute truths, there is no thing as normal (to continue....there's no unnatural (if something exists in nature it can't be unnatural, just less common)).

This place we live in makes sometimes so dreadfully sad. Even the stories you grew with don't bear closer inspection without losing their idea.

PayPal, can you actually love it?!

Once again I love my PayPal account... not.
It just occurred to me that in order to withdraw funds from Periphaeria's PayPal account to my bank account owner's name in both of them have to match, and as both of my bank accounts are under my name (simply: Periphaeria Designs is not a company - yet - therefore I can't open a business account for it (and I can't make it a company before I can more or less live with its profit - hence the freelance status) and my PayPal is under PD's name we have a problem... so, I had to request downgrade from Business to Premier.

And I just thought of something... as they want the names to match will $FIRSTNAME $SURNAME match be enough or do they want the whole $FIRSTNAME $2NDNAME $3RDNAME $SURNAME thing I have in my bank's files?

I'm off to write some stupid questions to them...

What bothers me most...

...in this dating game is the fact that I am just another pretty face. No matter who I really am, no matter what kind of personality I have or how intelligent I am only thing which seems to be important in me is the way I look.

Sometimes it's a burden to have a cute face. This is one of those phases.
And moments like this make me really miss certain someone. Someone I met 364 days (364 days, 15 hours - and they say I have odd memory?) ago, someone whom I "lost" almost nine months ago... I miss him because he loved me for the right reasons, because he saw my worth... because he still seems to think that I am someone wonderful... (Admittedly that is bittersweet... we don't hate each other, but respect, and in some odd way even adore...)

I know, good things etc. come when their time is, but I can't help feeling sad because of people are what they are - or that my personality type is so rare (2%< of whole population) that only few understand it... nor love me because of it.
Sometimes I think have I already used my quota for this life...

As I have said, one of the reasons why I'd love to find one of those precious jewels is that I need a muse. In addition to muse I need a critic, supporter (mentally)... and someone who smiles at me when I wake up just because I am best thing in his life... *deep sigh*

Don't you just love...

...those prewritten customer service replies?

I contacted PayPal's customer service because my bank account was in my old, and now deleted, account's files, and even I have deleted that account days ago I can't add it to my current account because PP's system claims it is in use...
So, to make me suitably annoyed I received email from PP where they adviced me to delete my old account, and guided how to do it... But, I had clearly stated that I already have done it.

Is it that difficult to actually read what your customer tries to tell you?

Of course I could always be mean and just simply open a new bank account. It'd save great deal of fuss, taking that I choose either one of the banks which have their offices in my suburb...

Late night with ranting blogger

I have issues with the fact that people have issues with the fact that I am reserved.

What makes it worse is that they usually claim that they have no issues with it, but still they want me to relax, chill a bit...
Oh, how I hate dislike humankind sometimes...

I know why I am reserved, I know it makes me look anal, but I also know that I will never be able to remove it completely.
What makes it so friggin' wonderful is that those people who know me and my history never question my self-defense system. And they know it only because they took the time and were willing to accept the fact that I am reserved - and noticed that in the end I am not reserved at all. I just need time.

Sometimes I do understand Anton Szandor LaVey's idea of making humans for your own use. (Making Humans For Fun And Profit... *grin*)

Construction manual...

Sometimes I could marry myself, or rather: sometimes it feels that I am only one I don't scare off with being me and hence I should marry myself.
Admittedly there are those I haven't scared off (actually I have been thinking of an entry about kindred souls and the other view(s) for those for some time... I just need to find the words to be able to write what I want to say), but still the problem remains... they may love me, respect me, and they, or some of them, may actually still think that I am like every woman should be (I have read these exact words not so long ago), but for reason or millionth we haven't been able to make it. Anyway...
In certain sense being single, pulling different doors gives me quite much. At least it makes me think... Excerpt from one email I wrote:

On building the houses...

Lately I have been thinking quite much about relationships, dos and don'ts, the differences, the similarities and what is the secret to make it work.
I am still looking for the answers (and probably won't never cease to look for them - it comes with my character), and admittedly I have confronted surprising things in me.

- - -

I read yesterday a sentence with which I agree: you don't fall in love, you grow in it.
Love, like relationships is/are like a house. Little things are the cement which keeps the tiles together. Those little things define will the house stay put when storms come or will it fall to pieces.
Roof maybe ripped off, windows may break, but if the walls are still up nothing is lost. If the residents are willing to take the time and fix the house they once built.

I want to build those walls to last. I want to build those walls sturdy. I want to know that they will stay put when storms hit.
I am tired of drama, I am tired of falling in and out of love, I am tired to have no one to share my life with.
I want to have it all, but I also want to have it good. I want to love the house after living in it 20 years, too.

G-d gives us the possibility to build houses which last, but he also gave us free will which leads to the fact that most people build their houses from sticks on bare ground.
Every day is a new sheet, everyday we have the chance, and every day we make the decisions which will affect on our future. I once built houses on bare ground, from sticks. Since then I have learnt that it does not work.

Nowadays I want to build the house on solid ground, mold good foundation and use only the best cement and tiles to build the walls. Sometimes I doubt myself, but I know it is the only way... sometimes it is lonely to be one of the few who want to build the house to last.
I have built and demolished too many houses during my lifetime and I would love to finally take the time to build the last house I will ever live in, build it with respect, patience, love, honesty and all the good things... I know there will be few hits to my fingers while hitting the nails and there will be some minor arguments on choosing the wallpaper, but it is life.

I just want to live silent, peaceful, everyday life in a house I have built with someone special.

Can you say that I am getting fed up with dating game? Or that I would love to have someone to gush about my artistic endeavours..? Or just to have the grey everyday life... And what's funny... it hasn't been even eight months and it feels like eight years.
I just can hope that it gets easier when spring comes... or that I get lucky. Really lucky.