Family related issues

So...

I thought that everything would be OK because my mom didn't get a mental stroke when she realised that her son-in-law candidate isn't "blonde European". Once again I noticed that it isn't wise to assume anything...

Problems came in the form of my father(I thought he'd be open-minded just because he is well-educated... How stupid of me.). I have to say that even I know that he is an a*****e (Sounds quite cruel, I know) he surprised me.

... oh, the amount of stereotypes and ignorance in him (and in his partner but I forgive her as I am not her daughter...). I'm still SO mad I can't even think straight.... Grr.. And for some reason, even I would like to repeat what he said it's difficult... His attitude bothers me... "I have nothing against foreigners but..." That 'but' is quite revealing...

He makes me sad. Because even I really can't say that I care about him he is still my father. Even he is idiot, even he made my (our lives) life miserable in past... No matter what, he's my father. Only genetic connection but... I just have this odd thought that my happiness matters something to my father. Apparently I was wrong.

For some reason every time when I start to believe that there's real alive human being inside of him he does something which destroys my foolish hallusinations...

BTW

It's 20th week now... And still I don't regret it. ;)

AND....


I haven't been this happy since... since... I can't even remember when.



Falling in love is good for me. :)

I should be in bed....

...but I am not so here I am again.

12 weeks since we met.

I know that I am sentimental little fool but every new week is a victory. :) Only sad thing in my life is the fact that we can't meet in couple of weeks as he is going to see his family, but I'll survive.

It's odd, and sad that I really am afraid of love. I'm afraid of loving and being loved. I'm afraid of showing my love, I'm afraid of saying it. Anyway, I have said it and life is better, nothing changed - at least not in a bad way.

Saturday, those few hours in the morning and afternoon before I left, was amazing. At least part of it. I had already forgot how good it feels to lay on the sofa, watch a rather silly Bond movie and feel the warmth of someone dear. Just stay there and notice how good it feels to be with him in there, in that moment - and how good it felt to feel his arms around me...

Do I sound silly? :) Good. I am happy and I like it.

-----------

Then to the misc s**tty things.

My X is coming to visit in Wednesday, and he'll stay few days before he continues his trip.

In theory I have nothing against it, it was my idea allthough to see and so on - as I just like to see him and have a decent gossip marathon.

...but...

Maybe I just have a stage fever or something but I've bad feeling about this visit... don't know why. Maybe it's because I know him. And even I may sound little egoistic I think that he hasn't got over me yet - even he has somekind of gf/ fb (To be honest I have sometimes this feeling that he tries to make me jealous... But I don't get why? I have my own life now and I'm not very interested of that who he shags or loves...).

And then... we agreed that we have to talk about our relationship and what the hell went wrong because some things affect to my current relationship. Nothing in wrong about that but... I know my X. If I say "When [___] I felt bad because blahblahblah.." he says that I just always blame him and in the end it was my fault... (OMG! How did I manage to stay that long with him? :O)

Well, anyway it can be good to even try to talk about past with him - even it can be disaster.

-------

Back to important things. ;)

It's odd how hiding my feelings from him and from me affected to my life, our lifes, in a negative ways. I lost couple of weeks completely (And I mean _lost_ as I don't even remember those weeks...) as it was devastating to keep inside of me that fact I have lost my heart to him.

How someone can be afraid of love? Yes, easily, I know but on the other hand that sounds so silly.

Back again

I read this blog from start and found interesting dream:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/snowprincipessa/5615.html


I really do have some problem with approving the fact that someone can really have feelings for me, that I am worth loving and have a beautiful soul. I got this SMS from him last night

"Good night :) you have beautiful heart :)"

And my reactions to it were...
1. Oh joy! A SMS!
2. How sweet of him.
3. ...maybe it wasn't ment for me?
4. ...he send it to wrong number....
5. ...What the hell am I thinking? Of course he send it to me. :)

So, here am I blaming totally innocent man for others mistakes. Just because my ex treated me like shit I think that A. will do it to me too... :( I am blaming totally innocent man just because he is a man and I've been treated like shit by some men....

I am a idiot.

...idiot who is falling to him...

I am a prejudicing idiot.

So. I have quite much mental work to do before I am back to normal. It's sad that I have to go trough my mind once again to be happy.

Ok, in fact I am happy now but I can't just enjoy because my mind is little mixed... Which is a pity, really.

It has been a while....

Yes, I am still alive. Very much alive in fact.


It'll be nine weeks today. Someone came and stole my little heart. And soon I maybe'll start to believe that I am not dreaming - when ever that day comes...


I've known him few months and I never thought that he'd be anything else but a buddy of mine. Just a person with whom it was nice to talk in IM now and then when there were nothing else to do. For some reason it's hard to realize that 9 weeks and a day ago he was only a friend. He was only a friend 9 weeks ago when I met him. And after it... nothing has been the same.


I just can't get how it all happened. I know what happened but why and how? In fact I am still little amazed of that. Because it all felt so natural, like things had always been like that between us. (In fact I am still wondering why he invited me to spend an evening with him and his friends. Why me? And why I have to analyze everything into pieces? ;) Which is quite odd and -for some odd reason- quite scary fact in this whole relationship of ours. For the first time of my life I am not scared in a relationship. It's scary that I can trust him, I have no need to doubt him...



And why in earth it is scary? Shouldn't I be extremely pleased about it? Yes, I should but when you're used to be something or do certain things it's hard to notice that it's no more "the way". Maybe I just don't want to be appreciated as myself, maybe I am just afraid of being loved some day.


And apparently I feel unnecessary guilt because I've found someone after just few weeks after my ex moved away. Even my ex has been very encouraging - in fact we're good friends with him nowadays:) - I feel this pressure from surrounding society. And "I didn't plan this", I intended to be alone some time before going back to market. ;) OK, I've heard that you can't plan things like this... odd. :)


I always thought that my mother is very xenophobic - because I have heard her opinions about foreigners- but now... (Maybe I have to thank my 'sis' for coming out of his closet...;) I was very surprised of my mom's reaction when I mentioned to her that he's originally from India. The 'old' version of my mom would have acted quite bad ways, but this 'new' version... She wants to meet him some day. :O
Ok, maybe it affects that he has good, steady job in here and he's well educated, but I think that 'the thing' is that he's good cook - I have mentioned that couple of times. ;) I know that my mom has a weak spot for cooking men. :)


But... I'm SO tired. I think I'll continue later as I have things on my mind still. :)

INTJ - "Mastermind". Introverted intellectual with a preference for finding certainty. A builder of systems and the applier of theoretical models. 2.1% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

Last night I had 'interesting' experience. I was thinking about what went wrong in my marriage...
I realized that I never felt needed, almost everything was more important than I was - and when things finally changed I couldn't care less anymore...

For first time in my life I really felt physically sick because of sadness in me. But when I fell asleep I slept better than I have slept in ages. And I saw very interesting dream about one person... It confused me as I trust my dreams... but I am also quite happy because of that dream. Only time will tell how 'true' that one was.

The haze I have been living in this week is gone now. I feel good again. :)

...I am boring... ;)

Love


?? Which Angel Or Demon Are You ??
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Very OT.... not to sensitive persons...

which Ghastly character are you?


this quiz was made by Zaedite

..or depending my answers...






which Ghastly character are you?


this quiz was made by Zaedite

Oh, he is so adorable :)

Even more OT....

A TAN Dragon Lies Beneath!

My inner dragon is the true draconic magic-user. Deep down I am very wise, somewhat shy, and I have a rather short fuse. But don't worry, tans prefer to spend their time counting their enormous treasure, so pass quietly and you'll stay out of danger. Click the image to try the Inner Dragon Online Quiz for yourself.

... OT of this day...

Take the quiz: "Which hair color suits your personality?"

Black
Ahhh...Black...a very cool hair color...and A very cool person! You aren't into poems and gushy stuff like the brunette...But you're not out there like the blonde...You are truly cool....WHAT?!?! your hair isn't black??? Well...It SO should be..

More OT

Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
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Very OT again

Take the quiz: "What does your birth month reveal about you?"

July
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets.Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studyin

Fourth week has begun. And I am happy.

OT of the day, second and original edition

I Am A: Chaotic Neutral Elf Druid Ranger


Alignment:
Chaotic Neutral characters are unstable, and frequently insane. They believe in disorder first and foremost, and will thus strive for that disorder in everything they do. This means that they will do whatever seems 'fun' or 'novel' at any given time.


Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.


Primary Class:
Druids are a special variety of Cleric who serves the Earth, and can call upon the power in the earth to accomplish their goals. They tend to be somewhat fanatical about defending natural settings.


Secondary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.


Deity:
Silvanus is the True Neutral god of nature. He is also known as the Patron of Druids. His followers believe in the perfect balance of nature, and believe that nature's bounty is preferable to any other 'civilizing' method. They wear leather or metallic scale mail, constructed of leaf-shaped scales. Silvanus's symbol is an oak leaf.


Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

OT of the day

I Am A: Lawful Good Half-Elf Druid


Lawful Good characters are the epitome of all that is just and good. They believe in order and governments that work for the benefit of all, and generally do not mind doing direct work to further their beliefs.


Half-Elves are a cross between a human and an elf. They are smaller, like their elven ancestors, but have a much shorter lifespan. They are sometimes looked down upon as half-breeds, but this is rare. They have both the curious drive of humans and the patience of elves.


Druids are a special variety of Cleric who serves the Earth, and can call upon the power in the earth to accomplish their goals. They tend to be somewhat fanatical about defending natural settings.


Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy of NeppyMan!

It is done now. So many tears cried, so many memories gone trough again. Now only thing I want is go to bed and cry my eyes and heart out. I even consider selling my heart to someone. I don't want to feel this pain, I don't want to cry these tears.

But who said they'll ask me?

Here we go again...

I was going to bed and noticed that I have received a SMS. It was from 'Him':
'This is not fair. I already miss you. Maybe divorce is not the right solution for us, maybe we just need time and some space of our own.' I think I have to write him a letter and tell why it was impossible to love him. Once again. Maybe he gets it when he sees it written...

How to say to someone you have loved for years that you see no hope for us? Of course I know how to say it, it is just so friggin' hard to do...

So, once again I stay up and write. Once again I stay up and cry my eyes out. Once again I feel miserable... for not loving him.

I understand that it is not easy for him to understand my thoughts, but it is not easy for me to understand some of his actions during our relationship so...

Humans.

I have been single for a week and I am still alive. :) Days are easy but nights.. I don't miss 'Him', I just grave for intimacy/ cuddling. My small mattress is awfully big when night falls, my little bedroom is so huge.

Old problem and only one way to cure it. Few years back it was so easy to cure this feeling, just get a man for one night... but nowadays one night stands aren't my thing. I appreciate love even more now than I used to. Maybe I appreciate it even too much.

My name day

6th of August, Hiroshima remembrance day - and my surnames 7th birthday! \o/ These 7 years with my dear surname have been good, it has been worth 500 FIM/84 euros (...even I did not pay that sum myself..;) to be me. :)

In fact, now I have been Peri longer than I wanted to before I was old enough to change that without guardians permit. \o/ For some reason my father had something against it when I was underage... :P My mom was thrilled when I said I want to get her surname. ;)

And now it seems that there will be soon third Peri in our family. Soon 'all the girls' will be Peri... I just hope that my 'brother' get his TS* diagnose soon - as I know how stressful it is for him to wait that diagnose - and can become what he really is. It is little funny to get sister in this age ;) (Well, as a child I always wanted to have sister so... :)

Being TS's little sister has taught a lot to me. I have realized that when you love someone you really don't give a damn if the one is not 'normal'. And what is normal?
I see this issue like this: he has this disease now, being in wrong genders body, and after diagnose, hormone treatments and final operation he is well first time in his life.

Quite cruel to really start living after you are over 30... But better late than never.

*TS

It is odd how someone you have never ever met can make you feel good about yourself.

I received the most beautiful mail today from completely unknown man. Isn't it odd? There are no words to describe what I want to say now...

I just realized what I have missed these years. Romance. Tons of beautiful words, little something now and then, soft touch... those little things that makes you feel like you are the most important person in this world.

Apparently I found my soft spot again. That is good. I was getting too harsh anyway.

I am crying and I am happy. Finally. :)

I promised to write more later so here am I. :)

It is rather funny to follow how do people react when they find out that I am now (almost officially) single. I knew this will come because humans are what they are. For some reason they think that everyone does things like they do.

Common opinion about me is that I were not serious about my marriage. Other very common opinion is that I have to be cold hearted bastard. Why? Because I am not crying my eyes out or committing a suicide because I am alone.

Fortunately there are few reasonable persons who don't question my reactions or choices - thank you all(, some of you read this blog, I know it. :). :)

Anyway, why should I be devastated? I choose this. And I usually try to take responsibility of that what I do.


Another funny thing I noticed today... For some reason in this week there has been a lot of guys who wanna marry me... Yes, paper marriage guys, visa hunters. I have noticed that they come in cycles. Bad sides of internet. Bad for them, as I usually don't treat those guys very well... ;)

And this heat (OK, 26 C ) is killing me... my brains have melted ages ago... :P So I'll be back ;)

Yes, I am drinking rum with cola and enjoying my first day alone. :) This is first completely sunny day in a month or so, btw. :) No rain, just sunshine.

My calfs are killing me but I am well otherwise. Maybe I talk more later, now I have to sit and relax. :)

...all of them idiots...

How shallow can human be?

I had a conversation with Him and He told what his friend had said to Him when He told we are going to divorce: 'You could find someone better...' Ok, maybe that is only that 'don't worry, there is plenty of fish in the sea' or, as He get it 'She is not good enough (too ugly) for you.' I also heard that one of my neighbors has said similar thing about me - even that one is just normal middle aged man (bad skin, overweight, redneck...). They have also assumed that we are together just for sex.

I got mad, He is too. Apparently some people are so shallow/ stupid that they really think that somebody can be with someone for six years only for sex. And if they think I am not attractive why do they think that? ;)

Fortunately I know the truth. And He agrees with it. 'You are beautiful. You can't be unattractive if I have always enjoyed to have sex with you and lived with you for so long.' :) That was nice thing to say. Maybe it don't sound like it but I know Him. That was compliment from Him. ;)

Funny thing is also that I hear almost daily that I am attractive. :)

Anyway, I am rather intelligent that attractive but... ;)

What is your emo band name? by spiralinghalo
Your band name is:	Boy Sets Table
You sound like:	Unwritten Law
You will be signed to:	Equal Vision Records
Your emo lyrics are:	"I cry for every tear you make me produce"
Name:
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Apparently I can stop crying and start to laugh... This is getting hilarious. Now I am glad that I made that application.

...and now I have to remember if I meet someone interesting that his mom should be dead or at least she should live somewhere far away from here. :P

Love... like life is a bitch.

But why there is hate after love with some people? I don't hate him. I don't believe that. Hate destroys very easily.
Maybe I am naive but as far as I see it there can't be nothing worth to hate in him because I have loved him so much. And now my heart is aching because he apparently hates me... Why he does it? After all, and no matter what, these 5½ years were best in my life.

...at least I have learned something. Hopefully.

And no matter how naive I may sound but I still believe in love, I still believe in marriage. Why couldn't there be 'eternal' love and lasting marriage? At least that is my silly idealistic thought.

...maybe there is something wrong with me because I don't want to blame neither of us? He have done wrong, I have done wrong - but most fatal thing to us was mistrust. And when I told that to him - yes, it is my view, it isn't the whole truth - I was the meanest little liar in this universe. I was that cold hearted woman who never gave any tenderness to him - it was me who teach him to enjoy tenderness, at least he has said so...

HOw is it possible that every little oddity in me is now something awful and weird? Not so long time ago he loved those.

I can make only one decision... even he agreed that if I want to apply for divorce it is OK for him, it wasn't. After that he became crazy.

And made me awfully sad.

..and everything was fine until today.

And now I feel like shit. I have cried almost whole day... Now I am liar, hypocrite and cold person. We have been arguing by SMS whole day and I am finished.

I wouldn't never believe that a man who claims he still loves me can be so cruel to me. Maybe I am asshole, but generally I don't believe that.
Everything he has done wrong is my fault for some twisted reason. And when I say what I have done wrong he claims that I bathe in self pity. And after that he wants me to admit what I have done wrong... OMG! I just can't understand that man anymore.

...and I feel so bad....

I really did it! In fact I even surprised myself by doing it. And I have to say that it was hardest thing I have ever done - even I feel quite good now - and I really do hope that I don't need to fill divorce application never again.

So, in the beginning of February I will be free as a bird - as I have to wait six months and consider...:P

Even I promised that I consider our divorce after he moves away, it feels now that I would really like to do that now. But he isn't here and it would be approriate to speak with him before getting those papers.

This feels odd as I would have ever even thought that I will think like this some day.
But now I have this feeling that I have to go on. Go on and get happy.
This thought feels so good, I am so calm.

There have to be something wrong with me. As this isn't the way I usually handle emotional things... I am not panicing, crying my eyes out. I am just calm.

Maybe I should sleep the night and get those papers today if I still feel like this. :)

Even my relationship status is in front of law 'married' I am not married anymore. I realized that today. I don't want to be close to him anymore. Apparently he doesn't want to be close to me either so... He came back from his dads place today but he didn't go home - he went to see his grandma. Again. For some reason this is very sad situation. But it is better to feel sad now than be miserable for the rest of our lives.

I feel bad because I know that he still loves me. He is miserable because of me.

Being truthful to yourself is hard task. Even truth sets us free.

"The misanthrope hates not man. The misanthrope hates idiocy, stupidity, self-righteousness, authoritarianism, selfishness, greed, ignorance, dishonesty, cant, and balderdash. All of these he hates rightfully. The problem is that all of these are shared by no other member of the animal kingdom but man. And the misanthrope does not entertain the vain hope that these traits will ever stop determining man's behavior." (From 'My Life with Thrill Kill Karl')

For once someone has found the truthful explanation for misanthropy. Maybe I am not that bad person anyway because I dislike human idiocy. In fact I found it quite amusing that I am socially very talented and emphatic, but I have just this one problem... Humans.

Some people wonder why I have so little social contacts. Mainly I wonder how that can be problem to some complete stranger when it isn't that great problem to me. I just try to avoid palpitation by staying away from 'normal' people. I can't give them nothing, they can't give me nothing. At least that is how I feel. For me it is impossible to think life without meaning, life without thinking.
And... I am completely happy when I have at least one friend who understand me. One person who knows me and loves me anyway. One person with whom I can talk about anything and laugh to anything. And that one doesn't even need to live where I live. That suits for me. I have my peace and anyway it is possible to interact with that person almost when ever I want to. And vice versa.

I am abnormal because I think, because I use my brains. Ok, there is nothing wrong but my gender just happens to be wrong. :D For some reason it is difficult to 'locals' when woman uses her brains and admits it.

Sometimes I think I may sound quite bitter person. Maybe I am, but I really don't think so. I happen to like me and I know that there is people out there who appreciate me for what I am. That makes my heart smile. :)

I've packed his stuff today and now I feel quite.. not sad but I am not very cheerful or happy like I usually am.

And like that weren't enough... there is so much hatred in this world, in people, that my little mind can't really understand it all. Ok, hate is feeling and I try to approve it because of that but why they hate me even they don't know me? And why? Because I happen to be intelligent and WOMAN. Frigging odd. Ok, I know that most humans can't stand intelligent people in general... but anyway. So, people make me feel miserable just because I am intelligent. Like that is my fault... sometimes it would be so much easier without brains and heart.

*sigh*

I don't miss sex that much and that is quite ood in fact when we are talking about me... I miss tenderness and intimacy... but not just any type of them, I need those seasoned with love.
It is awful to sleep when no one isn't holding you close to him, or have his hand on your hip while you sleep. The lack of togetherness is awful...
There is no one when you go to sleep, no one when you wake up. No one to laugh or cry with.

My skin is lonely... it needs touching, caressing...

I miss loving someone. And now it is even harder than before as I know what I want and that is a lot, maybe even too much... At least now it feels that world is full of idiots and most of those idiots are after sex. Nothing against it but love first... I am quite old-fashioned nowadays. :)

He is away for about three weeks. First I felt miserable for being alone but then I realized that I am free. Free to do what ever I want to do. I am relieved.

Of course I miss his presence as I am used to it. But finally I feel free to do things... like rearrange furniture etc. :) As I just can't do anything when he is at home. It is odd, really. I have done more today than I have done in last week... Why he has that bad influence on me?

I feel guilty for being happy because he is not here but I know that there's nothing wrong in it.

I have been quiet almost three weeks. Well, life is quite hard sometimes...

He got an apartment, rented it from his dad. Even I feel happy I feel extremely sad. Of course this is hard for me. I would be scared if it would be easy. Now I just have so many practical issues to handle. I have to have new lease to this apartment, even it feels extremely odd. Well, I have to do it in the morning. No matter how hard it feels.

Sometimes it feels like I can never ever fall in love again. But I think that it will happen again, when it is time. When I found someone with smiling eyes and warm heart.
At least I have my dreams... and capability for daydreaming. I think those keep me sane in those hard moments when it would be nice to kill someone... my greatest fear is that Him will not move in July... as it should be deadline.

Accidents do usually happen in combos, so I am still waiting what will be the third one as I heard couple of days ago that my brother is separating/ divorcing too. Kind of spooky, ain't? Both separations during same spring... I think it must be those spots in the Sun. I just hope that he will get their kids...

This is getting harder day by day.. living with him. I am more and more annoyed being with him in daily-basis...

Here we go again.

He mopes like five-year-old because he hasn't listen what I had said to him earlier. Apparently it is my fault that IRC isn't web-based... and he don't know how to use it - he should ask that from me as I do know but no... It is my fault that I know how to use it. Everything seems to be my fault again.

And soon he will swear his undying love, I am sure of it.
Yesterday he got mad because I refused to hold his hand when we were walking back from grocery. Why should I hold his hand? I don't understand, as he should remember that I don't love him in that way anymore - he should remember that it was the reason for me to start this separation process.
As I can't trust him I can't love him anymore. I even shouldn't love him because of that. And if I don't/ can't love someone I see no point to live with him anymore - and I have great doubts being married with him... I think there is no hope for us. Even he thinks there is.

Maybe he just don't understand what I say to him.

Marriage is all about love, love is all about trust and without trust there is nothing. I think I am quite realistic when it comes to relationships and love. I know there can't always be only happiness, there is always days of sorrow.
And I do miss that, happiness and sorrow with someone I love and who loves me back equally.

I saw odd but beautiful dream last night. In fact it was not even that odd, even I felt odd -but happy-after I woke up.
In my dream I found someone strong-minded to love even I did not think him in that way in the beginning of that dream. He was "just" my friend, I could not even think him being anything else than a friend...
..then I kissed him- and he kissed me.(And as kissing should be something macigal... Haven't had kiss like that in ages...)

And even it was a dream I felt ecstatic, good, loved... I felt better than I have felt in years. Everything felt so good and I knew why I fell in love with that man from my dream.

Ok, it was just a dream but my dreams have always some meaning in them... And I think I know what I wanted to say to me.

So many days without anything to write.

Too many "I love You's" from him. As many awkward situations for me. As it just feels that he tries to get what he have lost ages ago.

I'm heading toward tomorrow and he still loves me. Ok, I have to say that I admire him because of that, but so many words, so few acts. And for some reason I feel that he hates me because for this situation but he just can't stop loving me. He is too weak, too much Mr. Nice Guy.

Well, now I know what I want from man... I really do, I just have to learn not to fall in to another one "I have to save". I need someone stubborn enough, someone with his own free will. Someone strong and reliable, who keeps what he says...

That sounds like some sort of personal ad.:)

This situation makes me desperate. I can't do anything by myself, I can't even read even I should because I have to keep this place at least somewhat clean.
He is really like a little child - even I have said about cleaning his mess (..about thousand times...) he just wont learn his lesson... I am getting really messed up here. Too much demands for me. I am beginning to lose my hope.

If I say that he should do something in here as I have to read he says "Of course" but wont do anything... And so I can't read, I can't do anything I like to as he takes my space. He takes my breath away and I will choke soon...

I'm going to say about this to him even I know his reaction to it. There will be huge fight once again, one broken heart inside me, too many tears to count... And finally I am the one who asks for forgiveness. Once again I am the coward, that crazy woman who likes to make him feel guilty.

And all this just because I fell in love with him 6 years ago. If this is love, I don't want to fall in love again... Even I hate loneliness, if this is the price to pay, I say no, never again...

Sometimes he acts like little child, mopes about little things and then waits that I ask for forgiveness.Not very equal, I think.
I realized yesterday that he narrows my personality - there are no room for me and to who I am. Only room for his personality. No wonder I was unhappy

I think that He had some odd image of me all those years - as he was surprised when I said today that I know I can be awful, cranky lady when I want to - and even when I do not want it.

Of course I have my faults, I am not an angel or anything idealized thing like that. I am just human with all my faults and I like it. Even I try to to be "better" person - I do not like my faults that much.:) But they also make me humane.

I wonder my dad. It seems to me that he has something against this. It feels like he thinks that I am stupid little girl who do not know how to live or how to love. Well, he is not the one who taught me that to me so it would be better for him to keep his mouth shut.
Maybe it is that because I am leaving man with rich dad. Who cares? Money is nothing when it comes to love - of course having some money helps... well, we have not had that....waiting for inheritance, I would say.

"If love can end it was not love in the first place." Well, apparently that means that he was not in love with my mom when he married her - and divorced 20 years later. Well, it was in the end my moms idea but it was too late anyway I think. And that is one reason why I made my decision: I do not wanna be 50 year old woman who has no good memories of her marriage. Only good things in those 20 years were we, her kids. Sad life.

I am speechless I have to say.

I was good, normal person only when I was "happily" married - before and after it I am just a loser. Person without any worth, without humanity. Very encouraging indeed.
I am used to this but it still feels bad. My only worth was in my relationship to future-inheritance. My own dad is measuring my worth by my mans possessions... oh my.

Fortunately He is wiser. He said that he loves me enough to set me free and if someone else makes me happier than he could he just have to cope with that.

No one can, because we are all humans and different because of it. He made me happy in his way, someone else makes me happy in someone else's way. And that is how it is.

It is funny how I notice new annoying things in Him daily basis nowadays. I even liked some of those things in him, some of those annoying habits.

I also noticed today that he really is not anything else to me than a good friend I have had sex with.
..and lived with last five years... And loved.

Life is very surprising thing.

I think I should really start to sleep completely on my own, even it is not very enjoyable. But for some reason I can't sleep next to him anymore either - I can but only dog sleep. It is even hard to fall a sleep next to him.

It seems to me that he even does more houseworks nowadays but... how late he is. But apparently - unfortunately - some men are so naive that they can't see the reality and just think that their woman will always love them, no matter what.
Well, I learned my lesson - hopefully. Now I know what I want from man.
But we have to see what my stupid heart says about it.:) She usually has plans of her own. And as stupid one I do like she wants me to do. :)

This is really getting weird. I feel guilty for not being sad.

I feel extremely good, happy. I could run to the moon and back now or go to the streets and yell how wonderful life is. And for what reason? In fact I am not quite sure but... I have a hunch. I like this. Unfortunately I can't yell because it is night now and neighbors would not like it.:) Damn I feel SO good. Soon I start to wonder what the hell am I doing but who cares about it? I am happyhappyhappy!:) And very sober.:) Life is so good.

Jumping for joy.:)

Even I have my sad moments this seems to be the best thing to do - at least for me. For some reason when he says he loves me I don't feel bad or want to reply in the same way, it just feels little awkward. And now when my family knows about this my stress is suddenly fading away and I have strength again to do things I haven't done in ages. I feel refreshed, mentally. Physically I am still quite exhausted but I will get over it.
...and I always thought that this will be the end of the world. Silly me.:)

Maybe this is this easy as I have in fact been thinking this option almost 3 years... I have done most of my grieving already, now I just have to start cope with facts.

... this is quite unfair in a way. But I knew it can not be that easy to get rid of love that lasted so long.
I always thought we have kids some day and grow old together. I thought I will always love him no matter what... and now he is moving away from here and I have lost my love. In my mind my life was great even we had our difficulties... maybe I just were wearing pink glasses, or maybe it was love. I considered myself lucky because I found my loved one so young. Even I were waited for him all my life.... It is always hard to give up, I know. I also need this feeling, otherwise I will be unhappy for the rest of my life. Love is a bitch sometimes. But it is worth it. In the end it is only thing that matters in life. Love makes world go around - sometimes it just stops it.
Human beings are odd. Love makes you cry and feel like shit but still we fell in love again if we "have" to. Well, there is no happiness without suffering. And sometimes being miserable is even fun.

Waiting for better times.

We told it. In fact whole family knows now. Knows and knows, they will know when they read my message from the family's message board. I am eager to see their reactions...
Telling was surprisingly easy but it was also SO hard. Fortunately one do not have to do things like this in daily-basis.:)

And I told a little white lie to them... "We have not even talk about divorce yet..." Yes we have, but it seems to me that we talk about that again after he has his own place. In fact we have talked about what kind of person we would like to meet and fall in love to... Odd conversation for married couple, even separating one.:) But we are realists, fortunately.
It can happen... that one of us finds someone. Even it is against all odds. Especially it can be problem for me, as for some reason it seems to be quite hard for some men to realize that I really do not care what man looks like (Ok, of course there have to be something that I like but fortunately I love smiling eyes:) if he has pair of functioning brains. And if chemistry works. Second problem.... I know that for some people it is hard to realize that I can not make any commitments before I see that person. You can have a severe crush to someone but you just can not really fall in love without meeting that person. Maybe I am dull realist but if one can not respect my views one can not respect me neither so...
I know my worth and I have learned to respect myself. I have even learned to love my body for what it is. I am quite proud of myself. In fact I am madly in love with me.;)

It is so odd to talk about "my husband" so maybe I should just talk about "him". It would be suitable and nice name for him.:)

I had... we had interesting conversation last night. In fact many of those... We are really getting along, as friends. We agreed that we are more better persons as friends than married couple. We maybe never ever even should get married, but we did. And that is not bad thing in general. We had wonderful time, but it seems that it was fate that we got married. We were both broken and we needed each other to heal - and now we are fine, few fine lines here and there showing that we were broken-hearted ones... It is funny, we should be devastated but it seems to me that this was the best solution to us.:)
Life is really weird. Well, I have not lost anything. I got really good friend.:) ... as it is really, really hard to find anyone for that job... Maybe I am just too picky.:)

This little voice in my head is yelling that this is too easy! There have to be some kind of problems or at least self-destruction... But I do not care about it. I feel good. I feel happy. Life is wonderful, life is good. So Mr.Little Voice... Shut up!:)

I am beginning to scare me.

I organized kitchen cupboards in the morning and it felt good. No tears, not even bad feeling inside of me when splitting things up. I noticed that preparing things help me stay sane.
He was wondering it, me splitting things, said that it feels like I wanna get rid of him. I said that it is my way to survive - but did not tell that he is right with that. I would throw him out today if it would be possible. I think I set him a date when he have to move out. I wanna start my summer alone, thank you. If that makes me bad person, I can not help it.

Tomorrow is the day when we reveal this thing. In a way we have to as my mom and brother are coming to visit and they will see these piles of stuff waiting to go away from here.

So much has happened lately.

I just realized today how fucked-up I have been. But there is nothing new, I just am quite sensitive to stress - especially emotional one. In fact it is somewhat odd that I am as well as I am now. No depression, I can even sleep nowadays and life has not lost its meaning..

Well, that is not that odd in fact. I have been preparing myself for this quite a long time if I stop to think. Question is just why now, why not earlier?
Maybe it is my optimism, maybe it is my naiveness. Foolish little girl just believed in love. And for some reason love won. It run away and opened my eyes. And I saw my future - it was not beautiful future. Only one sentence and my future was lot brighter. It is funny, even cruel but who understands life?

For some reason it feels like my husband has finally got that what I said to him two months ago, he has finally noticed that I have really lost my love for him.( Love in general never fades away. It is inside of us all, open to only few persons in this world. There is not that one and only as I see it, there is some good ones. Maybe out there somewhere is that best of good ones, maybe that person is the "only one".) I do love him in a way, he is still my dearest friend and I hope I will never ever learn to hate him. But that difference between friendship love and Love is small but big enough for me. I am emotional little thing, I just happen to need deep emotions. Nothing less is not good for me.

Finally I have peace in me. I am not a failure after all, wow.:)

It seems to be true, there is no "decent" sex without great emotions... no orgasms without feelings - and I hate that.:(
I have lost even more than I believed.
It is quite hard for me as sex has always been good in our relationship and I am used to that. Now there is no point to have sex even we agreed that we can have this sexual relationship...
..and how do I say this to him without hurting him?... Damn, I am soft-hearted.:(

Yeah, they say that orgasm is not the main thing in sex. It is not but if you get used to something... Maybe I am just superficial idiot but do I miss them.:(
It is possible that I have become sentimental old fool. Or then I am just wiser now.

Last night I got it.

I started to organize this place like I like it, packing my hubs things up. This place feels even more like home now, kitchen is almost ready. It is in fact my favorite place after bedroom - those little pleasures in life, cooking, eating and sleeping.;)
I have images of this place in my head... just waiting to be true.
In fact I feel quite peaceful now, so peaceful that it is worrying me...:) Paranoid, me? Never!:)

This sadness is sometimes very scary.. no, not sadness. I feel like a prisoner. I know I will get out from here some day but now it feels like it would never happen. For some odd reason my freedom comes when my husband moves away from here - from my home I was saying... Well, this feels more like my home nowadays. I can not wait to get him out... that man I was madly in love with. I do not even know when I lost my love.
Maybe it all ended when he confessed that he cheated me when we started dating. Confession came after we got married. I was fool and I forgive. I was fool and stand next to him when he felt guilty. I was that fool who thought there was something wrong in me when I felt bad for what he did.
As I was the one who made him feel guilty, I was hideous. Sometimes it felt like I was the one that started that all....
I tried to talk with my husband, I tried to say that I was sad, that I felt bad... I tried to tell him that I just loved him like a madman but it seemed to me that he was not loving me.
Well, after 1½ years of suffering I had my revenge. I had an affair, I maybe even loved that man... we had one thing in common: our souls were broken. In a way he saved me.
This happened little over two years ago... and now I am getting out from my prison - aka love.

I was highly faithful person who believed eternal love and devotion. Now I am cheating bastard. And I just hope that I can finally forgive myself. And learn how to love again, learn to be faithful again.
I think that it is not that hard thing to do. I believe in me. I believe in Love.

...some day....

...back again.

I had this dream when I was sleeping (quite obvious?) and after I woke up I felt confused but good. Now I have the strength to tell that I failed to get good marriage. For some reason it is quite hard for me to let people know that even I can fail. Of course it is difficult for all of us, but for some reason it seems to be very difficult for me.
Confess that there is some emotion stronger than I am. Well, stronger than I was. Maybe I just finally learned to love myself like I should.

I just noticed something.

We do not sleep together anymore. Nowadays he usually sleeps in the living-room and I sleep in the bedroom. It is a bit difficult for me as I do not like to sleep alone.

On the other hand it can be better for me... or maybe not, as I need lot of touching - and sleeping next to warm male body is the most wonderful thing there can be. *Sigh* I do not even miss having sex that much than I miss intimacy, cuddling...

There is nothing new in that: I have been like this always. Earlier I just used sex to get what I really needed. I have learned new things during my marriage, now I want to have touching and tenderness before having sex. Maybe even fall in love, as sex is not just sex anymore... it is making love now. You know, this happens when you taste something so sweet you could not never even believed that there is something like it....

...and that makes this so hard.

I know what I have lost and I do miss it. After all, when everything was fine it was really fine. And losing something that big and beautiful is like losing someone very dear.

Well, I lost very dear person. I lost that boy I married 5 years ago. And after he got lost, my love got lost too. Or maybe I just fell in love to some imaginary person. I can not say.

Day one

I am separating. Now I said it, no one knows except him and I. Not yet, we will tell when he moves away. Then it will be easier to handle - for both of us, I think. After 5 years and five months this all feels so... unnecessary. After love so great I feel so empty. But mostly I am wondering how it all just ended. I have always thought that love survives forever if it is real. Ok, I was naive - love can not live without respect, love can not live when you have to take care and no one takes care of you. Even now I think that love is greatest power what there is, we just were not meant to each other - maybe. Maybe all would be nice if... So many maybes. I just have to try to live on and survive. Maybe I even can love again, really love and trust some one. As we see, I have not learned anything.:) It is good I still have my belief to Love, so there is still hope for me, for the humans. One thing seems to be sure for me. If I found someone someday, he wont be from this country. I do not know how I know it but I just do. For some reason...