Tidbits

I finally got stimulant medication in June last year and so much has changed since! 

I experienced silence for the first time in my life (I was 41, mind) when I took my first pill. The tornado that is my brain calmed down and all the sharks (Sharknado!) turned into little fishies whom I can easily catch and adore as long as I want to, and release them when I am done. In other words I can focus on a thought, think about it and release it when I am done with it.

What is even better is that I got back to University. And not just got in, my points were so high that I was literally among the best in the country applying to study BBA through admission exam. Last time, years before I was diagnosed and medicated, I barely got in to my alma mater that was, and is, much less popular. (Think of 2,95% of applicants versus 20% of applicants.) I did this while having a migraine and after not sleeping well due excitement.

And, to my surprise I have returned all my assignments on time! I can sit down and decide to study! I can study! My brain works (often)! And I don't need a week of rest after having to think. I feel like I can! And let me tell you... that is a new feeling to me. I have always known I am smart, I am not saying that, but I have always known that I can't perform to my level. And that does stuff to your self-esteem. Bad stuff. A lot of it.

I still have bad days as even the slightest changes can affect how the meds work. Gut is upset? Meds don't absorb, good luck with that. Menses? Low estrogen affects to how meds work. You don't feel like eating breakfast? You better do, and make no changes to it as your meds won't absorb correctly! 😁 It can be a challenge, but... even on a bad day my life is better than it was on a good day before I knew why I am so... unable.

Tiny got a nice new teacher and new meds in August, and he is striving in school and that makes me happy. He doesn't hate school anymore, but works to get as good grades as possible even I am not demanding As. I still remember that sad, hurting little boy he was before his diagnosis and it fills me with joy to see him so motivated and aware of his abilities.

And Wolfie is being as amazing and wonderful as ever. 💖 I am so blessed to have him as my partner. I have always felt blessed for having met someone so amazing, even when it hurt, and the volume of my gratitude is approximately the size of the Universe now that I have him again. 🥰

Confessions of a scatterbrain

Geez, it has been a LONG time. A lot has happened and still nothing has happened. 

Tiny still grows up every day. (Can you believe that he is NINE?) Wolfie loves me and tells me every day how amazing I am. 💓 And I was, finally, recently diagnosed with ADHD. 

Within one year both Tiny and I have got the diagnose. Now I have a kid who is more himself than he was, but now that I need to figure out how to explain to the world that he is not weird just because he functions a bit differently and needs stimulants to survive with school and life. And me... gosh. 

When I was diagnosed I reduced my coffee intake to prepare for the stimulant medication. Well, being 41, obese and having The Genes on both sides my BP was elevated. A lot. Part of it is stress as everything makes me overstimulated, starting from random sounds and going to trying to manage life with ADHD kid when your own ADHD has only gotten worse. Reducing my caffeine intake has had but negative effect on me. Coffee has literally been my legal, prescription free stimulant and without my normal dosage I am lost. It has been sucky 2,5 months. There is light at the end of the tunnel though. My BP is almost low enough now and it seems that my EKG was clear as no one has called me about it. Which means that when we get the numbers nudged a bit more I get my first trial! 🤩

Wolfie... oh my. I knew he was amazing from the moment we stumbled upon each other online back in 2006, but I never knew how amazing, how perfect he is, before we rekindled. I often tell him that even I had made him myself I hadn't been able to make him as perfect as he is. And even we have known for over 15 years I still gush about him like we had just met. We have decided it is our normal to be gushy and overly sweet and our intention is to be that disturbingly loving old couple one day. 😈

If life was less complicated it would be easier

One word: f*ck.

Or rather "I hate when this happens."

So, I met someone who had my brain and who clicked from the very beginning. Until all went to dogs. This actually reminds me of issue with Wolfie, only this time I am the Bad Wolf.
But in all honesty I want to feel meaningful, I want to hear daily from the person I am dating. It doesn't have to be much, but those little things matter. Those little things he has started to fail to do.

I can understand not writing any emails because X and Y, but for Pete's sake if your smart phone is almost your third arm you could send few messages here and there to keep your girlfriend happy, right?

At the moment I am doing a "cold shoulder" test. I want to know how long it takes before he realises that I was serious with what I have said. Or how long it takes before I just call it quits... As I want to be happy and you are not supposed to feel miserable after three months of knowing someone.

It's like learning to walk again

When you have learned to watch your every step, move, gesture and keep your eyes away from the person you love (because he is a controlling jerk and you haven't realised it yet) it's actually really difficult to unlearn it even if previously mentioned things are well in the past and processed. And it's like being in alternate reality to have someone you care for close willingly to you after being with a controlling jerk who considered all physical contact as something distasteful, even brutal.

I am in the brink of a cultural shock.

Dear diary...

Isn't it always how it always goes? That after you complain about something things change?

I was called girlfriend today. By someone who has my brain.

Life is getting interesting all of a sudden. I hope it keeps this way.

Anti-compromise act: the fine print

There is a limit to compromises to remain faithful to yourself, but the question is how you know you have compromised too often?

There is no way to say that "X times is too many" as in a relationship based on love, understanding, respect and trust you should not have to question anything.
Even less you should be questioning is your partner worth of all the compromises or which one of you compromises more than the other. As it is not a competition, it's supposed to be all about love. All about wishing the best for the one you love, all about helping them and all about not being selfish.

And still you should remain selfish to stay honest to yourself, keep your vision clear to see when you are beginning to lose yourself or when you are being bossed around.

What about us silly folks you have raised up to help others, to walk that extra mile for people? We have been raised up to be emphathetic, but does it need to mean we keep losing ourselves? Or do we just choose the wrong people? Do wrong people just choose us?

In my case the question is how the heck I have ended ending two marriages if I am as good as I am told I am? Or is it just like 1st husband said after we broke up, that I am too kind and good and people will use me because of that?

Do I have the "Good Guy Syndrome"? Or am I, as said before, a half-broken thing?

Anti- compromise act

I've come to understand why some men I've met during my life have stated that they are sick of compromising.
Turns out that they weren't immature and selfish, or if they were I've become immature and selfish - which I don't really believe.

It just dawned to me that my problem, one of them, in relationships is my ability and willingness to compromise. Which is a good trait, but one should also be faithful to herself.

Which is something I've failed to do.

I've been unfaithful to myself by being the one who always compromises, understands, forgets without even the simplest "sorry dear", and the one who forgets herself in order to be a good partner.

And today I realized that somehow I've happily accepted things I didn't ever realize I had accepted, before now.
And somehow I didn't stand up when things that were completely normal things in a relationship were told being somehow wrong, or wicked as he so often judged things that weren't like he thought things should be.
I can emphatise as I think I know why he saw world as he does, and I feel sorry for him because he loses so much of life's beauty.

ETA (as my phone didn't want to edit):

But remember dearest me that if you are not accepted as you are, nor your habits or your likings then he is not worth it.
No matter how much you care for that person he is not worth it if he doesn't show that you are worth your weight in gold.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

I don't know how to start this or what I should say, but I need to talk about it.

Turns out that he has a mental block, which makes him vomit after sex. Repeatedly.
And now I don't know why I am crying.

I admit. It *is* really sad as, well, he's a nice guy and we actually has quite much fun until... you know.

And he had to leave as he'll spend the night with his nausea meds and a bucket. Which probably is part of why I am sad. I had wanted him to stay overnight, as did he. He had hoped it had passed. Obviously it hadn't.

Someone might say that this is what you get from dating divorced men. But honestly... divorced man with kids has higher probability to understand where I am standing.
It just happens that I had met that man whose body is a very clear mirror of his soul.

He is seeking help. Interestingly he did it now, after three years and after meeting me... just a coincidence probably regardless..

And I don't like the feeling that I am kind of left hanging. Not by him, but me. But, call me crazy, there's something in that man I am no ready to give up just yet.

As I said I know I am crazy. I just have this feeling about him.

And now I am sad.

Remember this?

Well, it seems that if nothing else we'll have something in common: adult play dates at my place. *grin*

We have been talking at Facebook occasionally as we have both been incredibly busy, but last two nights our conversations have been such that physical relationship between us can't be avoided. And well, why should it?

I have started to feel amazingly amazing thanks to our conversations - and that's a lot after all that complaining and bitching Mr. Formerly Wonderful did. Not to mention how incredibly unsexy and insane he made me feel...

And all the sudden I am called sexy, hot, intelligent, good mother and so on. By someone who has met me. By someone who has followed me on FB for couple of months.

It doesn't sound like a big deal, I know, but after everything Mr. Ex-W. said, did, left unsaid and undone it is a lot.
All the sudden I am not that lazy ass, fat, lying, messy and unreasonable bitch, but someone who has brains and soul, and a body to desire. Body with all that excess fat and drooping breasts, with stretch marks and dry skin. Body that is beautiful regardless.

And I am taking the leap of faith again, because I need that now. Even if nothing comes out of it, but reminding me how wonderful I am.

And my body needs to be touched again, after such a long time.

Yes, I am unconditional

Some time ago I was thinking could I ever, in that highly unlikely eventuality that pigs would fly, take Mr. To-Be-Ex back and realized that no I couldn't, never ever.
I can forgive a lot, but there is one thing I could never forgive: father willingly abandoning his own child.

I can never understand that, nor I can never respect that person again.

Once I Was Afraid/ I was Petrified

Last four months have taught me a lot. I have come to notice I am much stronger than I thought and that things I once considered as the end of the world aren't such.

I have come to realize how much I can love and how much there is room for denial in my little head. And that my inner self knows things before I do and prepares my subconscious for what is bound to come.

Last three weeks have been harder than one can imagine as I have been burning midnight oil trying to get stuff organized, even though it may not look like it at the moment.
But it has been good. I see in myself how much happier I am as people react to my happiness now. Not so long ago I was much more reserved because I "had" to be careful with people. And somewhere deep in me I was unhappy. For certain reasons.

And now I can smile and laugh with people without needing to worry. I can be myself. I can be good, happy mom to Tiny.

I CAN be happy.

To Be Afraid

To be afraid that you are damaged for life. That you have been damaged since the day of your conception.

To fear that everyone lies to you, that everyone keeps things from you. That those who matter, or would matter, have a secret life you are not aware of.
To fear that everyone just uses you like you have been used.

To be afraid that you are too demanding, that wanting 110% trust and openness is too much, too egoistic. Being afraid of voicing your demands just that people wouldn't think you are an impossible, demanding, egoistic bitch.

To fear that all your relationships are doomed to fail. That if you don't leave him, he will leave you.

To be afraid. To be paranoid.

To fear being broken again, of losing yourself because you love someone. To fear that when you love your love is not appreciated and cherished the way it should be.

To be afraid of having to cry alone, to sleep alone, to feel joy alone. Despite of being one of two.

To fear you are not accepted as you are, with all your flaws and quirks. Not to be loved as who you are, that your stupid jokes are not understood, that the things you love the most are considered stupid and unnecessary.

To be afraid of having to live behind facades again. When it should not be important how things look like, but how they really are. To have to hide your love, happiness and life from everyone else because the one you love has something to hide from you and from someone else.

To fear being controlled. Being watched. Being blamed for what you don't do and what he does.

To be afraid of repeating your mistakes over and over again. Never learning anything, being blind.

To fear loving as it overwhelms you and blurs your sensibility. Exposes you to hurt, sorrow, pain. Takes away healthy criticism and makes you blind to everything.

To be afraid of not being praised, of not being attractive. Or losing attractiveness.

To fear of hurting your child with your choices. To fear that you are ruining his life because of what you want and decide.

To be afraid of being too afraid.

One door closes...

This is one of my "None one knows except you guys" entries. The exception being my mom. So... keep your mouths shut elsewhere. It's not official yet. (Editorial note: since the divorce has gone through I made some of separation related entries public.

I have always said that I am marrying type, but I am beginning to think that I am not that type that stays married - despite her idealised wishes.

You probably see where this is going.

My camel broke its back and I have asked Husband to pack his bags. Something I though I'd never do, something I wasn't actively considering before his latest tirade, but never say never should obviously be my motto.

In certain sense this is not a surprising move, as, even no one knows, I did ponder about leaving just before I got pregnant with Boy as I was feeling that my needs weren't listened to and I was increasingly unhappy with my life. Then I found out I was expecting and all the happy pregnancy hormones started to do their magic.

I was alone since about 21st week of pregnancy, first for a reason, then for a reason unbeknownst to me. Even I asked he didn't tell it.
When Boy was about 2 months old I had a dream where he left for some insanely childish reason. I am known to have premonitions about my relationships, they foresee the fail. Still, I decided it was only a dream and that's it (and I couldn't have told Mr. W. (let him carry that name from now on) about it as he had said I was calling bad spirits and I shouldn't talk about things like that).

Then I tell you that I haven't seen him since mid-pregnancy. He hasn't met his son, Boy hasn't met his father. They were deemed to meet, but this evil woman prevented it.
Because of Mr. W.'s latest tirade.

He has this annoying habit of controlling me. It was sweet and all when we met and so on, but it had a nasty side effect: threats of leaving me right there and then when I missed his call(s). Sometimes I was accused of cheating, as he knew that part of my history.
And since Boy was born I have missed many calls because I have been with Boy (playing/ feeding/ changing/ all those things you do with babies) and my cell phone hasn't. Or we have been out and I haven't heard. Or we have been sleeping and my phone has been on silent - to let Boy to sleep. And even I explained and have told him that he was not my first priority anymore as there is a small baby who needs me more than he does. Still I was told that I have changed.

No shit Sherlock! I became a mother in March in case you missed that.

And for a long, long time I have felt there is no room for me when he was here. That I had to be somewhere playing as small and quiet as possible. And if I happened to glance his laptop's screen it was something dreadful.
I felt that it wasn't my home even it was and is. But if I tried to talk with him about it or anything else considering us or my wishes or feelings it ended up me feeling even worse and we never talked.

Not feeling comfortable at my own home also meant no stitching as I need a comfortable place for it.

There are thousand things... like always noticing and being nasty about it if I had gained a little weight, but never encouraging when I lost weight. Or telling that I was just basically lazy and hypocondriac when I tried to explain that my lack of doing stuff was all about my thyroid.

Things were piling up in my little head. Understandably. But love makes us blind.

Well, his last tirade was about me not picking up a phone or returning his call. "That call came from an anonymous number, how did you expect I know it was you?" And he knows that I never answer to anonymous numbers if I am not expecting a call from one. Because usually they are telesalesmen.
He got frantic and while at it denied his own son, in my eyes, and me, threatened with leaving for good and made me understand that it can't go on. Not anymore. Not with Boy around. That it had to stop.

I thought about it for two days and went through his words over and over again to find what I missed, that I was wrong. Never found it. And then I asked him to pack.

Understandably in his opinion I had misunderstood him grossly and was lying (ah, again. I am SUCH a liar, you know. If you listen to him.... and then he claims he never said so), but still he didn't make a single move to try to convince me otherwise, even I gave the opportunity to him on a silver platter... and I don't know a single person who hadn't even tried to change my mind had they been in that situation. Which does, in my sick mind at least, that he wasn't much opposed to leaving, he just wanted that I do the dirty job.

It is slowly sinking in that there is a big, dark forest of custody arguments and bureaucracy ahead of me, but at least I can ensure Boy balanced environment.

It's funny really... some time ago I found myself thinking that if I wasn't married and didn't want kids I would be completely happy without a relationship screwing up my life.
The problem lies in wanting kids. I still want more of them... but that's not this year's thing, no the following one's (Luckily I still have time). Now I'll concentrate on practical things and try to find Boy and me a bigger apartment and start life all over again.

Only good things

Surprising as it is - or maybe I just imagine that I have been companing quite a bit last year or so.

The most important good thing, is that today is/ was our 2nd anniversary as a couple!
Admittedly it is not surprising as for some reason it has always felt that we are us, period (if anyone undertands what I am trying to say).
But I have come to realise that I have really been found by a really great Man, much greater than I thought even I have always thought very highly of Him. (Admittedly He is sometimes somewhat frustrating, but no one is perfect, I guess.)

Secondly: recently I have come to see the light after years of darkness.
I would have never imagined that my life was so dark, muted, dull than I have now realised it was. And all just because one wise doctor gave me prescription for little white pills. Those little pills are like candles, they are bringing light to the ultimate darkness I used to call "life", and now I see how dark it was and still is.
But I know it is only getting better from now on and I know there will be more and more candles. Some day my life will be filled with light, even occasionally some candles become dimmer.

I don't know am I exorcising evil spirits as I am beginning to hope that my thyroid would just turn off completely as it would make life much easier in the end. Even though it would also mean that in case I do not have access to thyroxine I will fade away fast.
I just hate not being able to eat nectarines. I hate seeing my thyroid grow and shrink on daily basis. I hate those dim days because my thyroid has decided to take a day off causing the glass jar dose being too small.

Thirdly: I have finished (stitching and finishing wise) six (6) stiching smalls within last month!

I am soon beginning to think that the medication has had some kind of an effect on me!

Blast from the past

Someone commented to the first entry of my little blog yesterday and that got me into reading my divorce related entries again (well, it was after 1 am and I didn't want to sleep because my Darling is not there by my side) and noticed interesting prediction: One thing seems to be sure for me. If I found someone someday, he wont be from this country. I do not know how I know it but I just do. For some reason..." (Editorial note: please excuse my appalling lack of grammar, my tenses suck even worse then than they do now.)

 

Since the separation I did not date one single Finn (went to a date with one Finnish man though (and even he had been born and raised elsewhere), didn't work - even I rather enjoyed it (some men just have so poor taste when it comes to women )), and then eventually was found by my Darling Husband and proved myself right for good.

I had fun while reading this entry: "I need someone stubborn enough, someone with his own free will. Someone strong and reliable, who keeps what he says... " as He really is like that. Two very stubborn parties in one relationship makes it sometimes quite interesting though.

And, of course, reading those old entries also made me appreciate the fact that ex-SIL is an ex as she would have harassed me SO badly about Mr. Wonderful (ref: this) and got into such levels with her questions which would have made me just feel plain disgusted and angry. (Remembering all the nauseating questions and comments she made when I was dating Abhi (who was/ is Indian) I would almost imagine that she would have got much worse about her questions and comments regarding my Wonderful (just knowing all the idiotic stereotypes some people have about black men..)).

Anyway I have been pleased to see that I really did achieve what I hoped for: I grew up, learned to love and appreaciate myself, and eventually found a good husband: Mr. Wonderful who is really a gift from G-d.

That's all folks, see you again some other day!

Alive and well

They say you should never compare people so I won't, but let's just say that this life has taught me many things and one of them is value of a man who calls you when he is late and tells you why he is late even when you are not asking.

Those tiny things, those tiny things which say "I love you" louder than anything else.

I may have said it before, but I say it anyway: it was really worth every second to be single so long before Mr. Wonderful found me. And soon we have been together as long as I was waiting for Him.

So...

Everything is well, I am not, but that is normal anyway. *grin*

I have even been stitching lately, not much or quickly, but I am loving every minute spent stitching over one on 36 count linen. I have missed that. Maybe I even give you some stitchy content some day again. o.O

So, I am off to stitch again! Have to keep my mojo going now that I have found it again!

Let Me Introduce You... Mrs. Wonderful!

Some of you already know it through Facebook, those of you who didn't know: Yes, you read it right! We are now officially Mr. and Mrs. Wonderful. ^^

It was a very small, but beautiful, ceremony last Friday, just the two of us, the registrar and two witnesses from the magistrate.

To the shock and awe of everyone who know me I took Husband's surname after my vows of *never* taking my husband's name... but my brain told differently.
We had discussed my surname when we got engaged and I was SO keeping my maiden name, until I noticed at work that I was continuously about >this< close to sign things with Husband's surname... and then, one day after coming home from work I told Him that it seems that I am taking His surname anyway (and it is much more convenient if we look at the bigger picture (and much more rare in here than my maiden name *grin*)).

This also leads to shocking revelation of us having been engaged to be married since 29th of March last year until last Friday, and I didn't tell you (ok, some of you did kind of knew)! Shame on me. *grin*

It's funny how I remember almost nothing about the ceremony itself, but am still aware that when the registrar asked Husband will He take me as His wedded wife He said most beautiful things ever - simple yes would have been extremely beautiful in that situation, but He took it further. I was all smiling yello, wobbling and smiling, and my answer was simply "Absolutely yes!".

Gosh, it was SO wonderful.

And for some reason it seems to me that getting married really improved our relationship in so many ways. Funny, but great - apparently there is better form of great and we just have gotten into it. Which I do not oppose at all, just keep wondering how sweet life can be sometimes.

Writer's Block: Marital license

 

Marrige licence does indeed have an expiration date, at least in my neck of woods (4 months), whereas marriage certificate doesn't. (I am aware that this is a tomato vs. tomato thing, but still... you know that I am pedantic when I feel like it.)

Taking that we are really talking of marriage certificate, that piece of paper you are given when getting married (opposed to the licence which, at least in here, is written after non-impediment check and (in non-dominational weddings) given to the registrar (or to the couple to be given to the registrar upon marrying) - without that piece of paper you are not able to marry) my personal opinion is: absolutely not.

Despite being divorced I do firmly believe that you get married for a lifetime and if my fiance would ever suggest periodic marriage contract I would frown and run away fast. (Though this is completely theoretic as we share views about marriage.)

It is possible that that kind of contracts are suitable or at least acceptable to some people I find even thought of such a setting too stressful for my person and degrading the institution of marriage.
As I see it periodic marriage contract is basically saying that divorce is always an option and that it is likely for the marriage to end. Why work for something you can end within X months anyway? What if you are just having a bad phase in your relationship when the renewal date is and you decide not to renew your marriage even it had all the makings for a happy, lifelong committment?

Marriage does take much more than just love and in my opinion periodic marriage would just base on the idea of love and nothing else. And the difficult thing here is that love fluctuates: there are days when you really don't have that loving feeling, but after a while you can be like two newlyweds. Love is a form of energy and sometimes its batteries needs to be recharged.

I could also say that I do not believe in divorce... I am not holier than thou, I have divorced and I have never been ashamed of that (even many people still find it odd that I am "this young" and already divorced - guess how it was when I was still 25 and recent divorcee *grin*), but when I got married (at the age of 19) I was in for if for a lifetime, but being young and stupid marrying another young and stupid who was unwilling to grow up and lacked consistency there eventually was no other option for me then. It was either that or dying young out of stress. And I wanted to give my possible children a good father, not one of those I had.

So, in case it wasn't clear: I do not think that there should be expiration or renewal date in your marriage certificate.

 

Once upon a time, approximately 47433600 seconds ago...

18 months ago I heard that soft, sensual voice and saw His Gorgeousness first time in person and couldn't believe that He really was here, that He really was here for little old me and meant business with everything He had said to me in His emails, texts and calls.

18 months ago we sat in the back seat of a taxi holding hands and smiling to each other, just because we were finally together.

Somehow it doesn't feel like 18 months. It feels like we had known much longer and it feels like it was last week. But the main thing, and what is most important, is that this feels good.

No, not just that... We, us, our relationship, feels better and better day by day.
(Of course no relationship is perfect because it consists of two imperfect persons, but I want to grow old and cranky with Him and tell stories to our grandkids about how it was back then when grandpa moved to Finland.)

And every day I try to remember to stop and thank G-d for listening my prayers and bringing this wonderful Man into my life. And every now and then I tell my Wonderful how blessed I am to be loved by Him.

Sometimes it really hits me how tremendously blessed I am and wonder what good I did to meet Mr. Wonderful. Whatever it was, I am deliriously happy for it.

Out of these 18 months we have been separated by a continent, or two, for over 12 months and still I haven't felt lonely for one second. I miss Him every second He is not here, but I am not alone, no matter where He is, as He is in my heart.
Admittedly I see Him everywhere, in little things, facial features of people, verbal expressions they use... all those little things remind me of Him, even they have nothing to do with Him - they just are similar, but still incomparable with His ways.

Some of you may wonder why I adress my Wonderful always with capital letter... I do it because I respect Him. There are men and then there is The Man, my Man. That capital letter defines Him and His importance to me.

I love Him. He loves me. He still calls me Angel. ^^

All is well in the world.

Writer's Block: Online relationship shopping

Ok, this is an old WB, so what?

 

 

Oh, this is just the question for me: within last 12 years I have met all my partners, and men I have had crush for, online (that makes one ex-husband (Dan), one FWB (N.), three significant (let's say Men I could have considered marrying (I actually proposed Sol back in 2005 - yes, I did. )) others (Abhi, Sol and Wolfie) and my dear common-law husband, Mr. Wonderful).

Unfortunately I can't say how it has changed the way people in general meet and form relationships, I can only tell my own experiences.

First of all it is much easier for me to talk to strangers online: I am dreadful at small talk with strangers and I actually don't like it much, even I am slowly getting better at chit-chat. It is also much easier to talk about serious issues because you get time to think what you say and how you react to what other person says to you - and I rather type than talk because I am much more eloquent in typing (and I tend to stutter occasionally when I talk).

All this typing talk also makes it possible to get to know people without knowing how they look like which enables better view of the person as whole when you see how they look.
I am also quite modest about my looks due my background (once an ugly ducking, always an ugly duckling - at least in some level) and the general beauty aspect in West, even I have been constantly told how stunning I am last years, and I rather let people know who I am, not how I look like.
Well, "of course" I use wrong tense here. Many things have changed as nowadays I really don't even want complete strangers to know how I look like or what I think of - excluding Facebook. *grin*

I would say that in certain level meeting online probably lessens the importance of looks, but being honest looks have been imporant issue for me for few years: looks tell something about person's health and lifestyle, and eyes are the mirror of the soul.

I remember when I got the first message, at that infamous dating site, from Mr. Wonderful: first thing I did, after reading His message, was to check His pictures and after that His written profile. (Truth to be told is that if I had read His profile without reading His message or seeing His gorgeousness I would probably have left His message unanswered - and life would be much different from what it is now.)
He was a good-looking man (He has since evolved to be Amazingly Gorgeous (with capital letters, yes)) and His message just made me write back - and here we are going strong, 18 ½ months after that day.

So, looks did matter, but wasn't the only thing. One of the major factors was that He was employed: I admit being nasty that way, but after Dan I simply couldn't consider man who doesn't have a job, as in my opinion man has to be The Man, not just a man, and be able to take care of his family. (Mr. Wonderful thinks the same and it pains Him not to be able to finance our little family at the moment (as He lost His job last year - which has had also positive effect in our lives though).)

In general man's financial status has never had much impact in my heart's ways: but oddly enough in post-Dan life the men in my life have been, how would I say it, financially well-to-do.

So, it is not one thing, or two things. Or one or two things which you don't agree upon. It is the bigger picture.
I found Man with intellect, good looks, strong values (even I don't agree with all of them I respect them), desire for getting married and having children, treating His Lady like the Queen and will to succeed in life. And the most amazing smile.

The thing is: eventually you are the only one who defines how finding someone works for you and what traits you emphasize in others, whether you do it on- or offline. You just need to know what you really want.