Wednesday 21 December 2016

Life carries on - and so on

I have learned something this year. There's one thing harder than death of a loved one: waiting for their death.

Life between February and August was difficult because you did know that he was going to die, despite what he said, but you didn't know when and how long the palliative care period would be. As, despite all our confrontations, no one wanted that he had to suffer.
Last days of August were the hardest as we knew he had it bad after they sent him back to hospital instead of keeping him at local health centre waiting to be released back home. And the worst in whole thing was that I knew that one of those days I had to tell Tiny some really bad news. There's nothing more heartbreaking than having to tell your child that someone they love dearly has died.

But life carries on. My father's estate inventory is done and his possessions shared, on a paper at least. Bureaucracy takes time. (And I do foresee some butt hurt from our brother, poor thing gets his share as sole cash.)

And surprisingly....
It seems that my bad credit has cleared - or clearing. At least SII has given me student loan guaranty as a holiday season surprise and they do require clean credit history (clean-ish, they may discard your bad credit if you have only few soon-to-be-cleared markings). As much as I hate having to take a loan to support us it frees me to have outside income.

Life is kind of odd. But odd is not bad, as long as it would remain calm from now on.

Sunday 30 October 2016

And Now For Something Completely Different...

Who would have thought? After 12,5 years I chose to export my blog to Blogger.  And even changed my handle!

The time seemed right and I wanted better functionality with no cost (I know, I am cheap) even though I am not sure does anyone blog anymore. :P

So, dysfunctional links and images that are nowhere to be seen, but I feel good now.

For new beginnings!

Friday 7 October 2016

If life was less complicated it would be easier


One word: f*ck.


Or rather "I hate when this happens."

So, I met someone who had my brain and who clicked from the very beginning. Until all went to dogs. This actually reminds me of issue with Wolfie, only this time I am the Bad Wolf.
But in all honesty I want to feel meaningful, I want to hear daily from the person I am dating. It doesn't have to be much, but those little things matter. Those little things he has started to fail to do.

I can understand not writing any emails because X and Y, but for Pete's sake if your smart phone is almost your third arm you could send few messages here and there to keep your girlfriend happy, right?

At the moment I am doing a "cold shoulder" test. I want to know how long it takes before he realises that I was serious with what I have said. Or how long it takes before I just call it quits... As I want to be happy and you are not supposed to feel miserable after three months of knowing someone.

Wednesday 28 September 2016

28 days later


He passed away after a short period in hospital in late August, less than two months before his 70th birthday. You could say he was your average Joe when it came to this cancer: average patient diagnosed with pancreatic cancer is 70 year old male and they live 6 months on average.

He didn't get much more than that. And even it has come obvious that he knew he was going to die rather sooner than later his subconcious mind denied it. I am quite sure that I am not lying when I say that severity of his illness was not clear to any of us, not even his partner.
I got to read his death certificate: he had several metastasis all around his body and this he knew over a month before he passed. Knowing this confirmed my earlier suspicions about his condition based on his behaviour. (Yeah, it's hard to be always right. Or something. *grin*) Human beings are odd things, but still, I know and you know why he did it.

Tiny took it better than I had expected, regardless he does miss his grandpa a lot. But the process seems to help him. One day he told me that it was nice to see grandpa's white box, in other words going to his memorial service. There's still urn burial (my father's ash will be buried in his parents' grave (which is a positive thing as said cemetery is reasonably close)), I hope it goes as well as memorial service did...

The relativity of time has struck me, it seems like forever, but it has been only four weeks.

Well, four weeks and a aday.

Things that happened before it seem like aeons ago and things that happened after it... well, have just kind of passed.

Friday 26 August 2016

It's like learning to walk again

When you have learned to watch your every step, move, gesture and keep your eyes away from the person you love (because he is a controlling jerk and you haven't realised it yet) it's actually really difficult to unlearn it even if previously mentioned things are well in the past and processed. And it's like being in alternate reality to have someone you care for close willingly to you after being with a controlling jerk who considered all physical contact as something distasteful, even brutal.

I am in the brink of a cultural shock.

Sunday 31 July 2016

Dear diary...


Isn't it always how it always goes? That after you complain about something things change?

I was called girlfriend today. By someone who has my brain.

Life is getting interesting all of a sudden. I hope it keeps this way.

Monday 20 June 2016

On singledom


I have been single almost four years now and either I have become even more cynical than I used to be or people have got way weirder since I was single last time. Or maybe it's me (getting way weirder than I used to be).

Or that little funny fact that nowadays I demand more. Much more. I don't ask for looks, (look where it got me last time *grin*,) but I'm just looking for someone with a good head on their shoulders. You know, those people are insanely hard to come by. At least for an introverted single parent.

Some people could say that it's more difficult to date with a child. I don't agree. First of all at this age quite many people have kids so they should understand how the whole thing goes with kids, and then I don't think it would be too much to ask for an adult to understand the basics of how little people affect to one's life - and accept the fact that people in certain age range quite often have kids. I know I did, not 100 %, but I did - and I have never been much of a child type anyway (aside wanting my own).
And for some weird reason when Tiny was just a baby it was easier to get on the date level. Maybe it was "separated" status that was much more attractive than "divorced" - as of course life is easier with someone who is in middle of a divorce, yup. *grin*

What makes me wonder is that those people who should be adult by any standard act like teens or little kids. Those people who can't simply live with word "no" or can't wait for your reply for one day without having some kind of hissy fit. It's hilarious, but also very worrying.

Sometimes it's good to be a misanthrope.

Still, it would be nice to have someone to share one's life with. Someone who'd also give Tiny that father figure he never has had.

Sunday 8 May 2016

6 x 9 = 42

Life's dragging along. I am eagerly waiting for that day when it becomes normal again, without constant obstacles thrown on our way.

Tiny's tummy ache was diagnosed as food allergy (as I suspected) after few dozens of blood tests to opt out all kinds of nice things like colitis, celiac disease, amebas and other funny parasites. He is now off dairy, eggs and fish and has become more like his old self.
It turns out he may have been allergic last two years, if not his whole life... he just hasn't been able to communicate it and haven't realised that it is not normal to have nausea and tummy ache until now.
This and my father's cancer cause enough stress to make my system more unstable and it seems that my allergies (and my thyroid) may be worsening again. Yay. It would make life really interesting, though luckily Tiny is at day care so he gets diverse diet even if ours were more restricted.

But on the bright side, it's Mother's Day and we have cake!

Thursday 10 March 2016

So... Bumpy ride goes on and on.

I got SRTD from noise and spent summer with a burnout and was stupid enough to go back to school like nothing. Then I got sick and was too sick or tired to do anything 1,5 months. So, fall semester went to dogs.

We relaxed whole holiday period, it was tons of fun for both Tiny and me, and in January I started studying with goals.

Tiny got sick. Apparently he is more or less allergic to milk, fish and bell peppers. At least. And he reacts with his intestines. So, he has been at home a lot because his tummy hurts and he has reflux symptoms. Based on his blood work and check-up he is a healthy lad. At the moment we are waiting to get an appointment with allergy specialist. Until then I get to hear "mom, my tummy hurts" almost daily. And it sucks.

Then my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer with several metastasis in his liver. It's unoperable as long as he has them. And life expectancy isn't great even at its best: 10 % of PC patients are alive after one year, 2-3 % after five years.
And I worry already how Tiny will take it when his grandpa dies. "Luckily" he is no stranger to death: my sister's older cat died of cancer some time ago and Tiny helped our mother to bury her. He has been asking lots of questions about dying since. And he still thinks everyone will be buried at granny's yard when they die. *grin*

So. This is how it has been. I am hoping this would be enough for next ten years or so...