Blast from the past

Someone commented to the first entry of my little blog yesterday and that got me into reading my divorce related entries again (well, it was after 1 am and I didn't want to sleep because my Darling is not there by my side) and noticed interesting prediction: One thing seems to be sure for me. If I found someone someday, he wont be from this country. I do not know how I know it but I just do. For some reason..." (Editorial note: please excuse my appalling lack of grammar, my tenses suck even worse then than they do now.)

 

Since the separation I did not date one single Finn (went to a date with one Finnish man though (and even he had been born and raised elsewhere), didn't work - even I rather enjoyed it (some men just have so poor taste when it comes to women )), and then eventually was found by my Darling Husband and proved myself right for good.

I had fun while reading this entry: "I need someone stubborn enough, someone with his own free will. Someone strong and reliable, who keeps what he says... " as He really is like that. Two very stubborn parties in one relationship makes it sometimes quite interesting though.

And, of course, reading those old entries also made me appreciate the fact that ex-SIL is an ex as she would have harassed me SO badly about Mr. Wonderful (ref: this) and got into such levels with her questions which would have made me just feel plain disgusted and angry. (Remembering all the nauseating questions and comments she made when I was dating Abhi (who was/ is Indian) I would almost imagine that she would have got much worse about her questions and comments regarding my Wonderful (just knowing all the idiotic stereotypes some people have about black men..)).

Anyway I have been pleased to see that I really did achieve what I hoped for: I grew up, learned to love and appreaciate myself, and eventually found a good husband: Mr. Wonderful who is really a gift from G-d.

That's all folks, see you again some other day!

Ranting some more

Last Saturday I got an SMS from my mother when I was getting home from work: "The kids left home last night with police. $BOYFRIEND was locked up."

At the moment the kids are, as far as I know, with their mother's parents (who may not be the best choice even though probably safer than ex-sil)... and apparently local social workers still seem to think there's nothing alarming happening... If this happened in any other city in this country the kids would be living with their father by now.

It's rather suprising that $HILLBILLYVILLE's children's social services think that they can continue like that for very long as social workers from two other cities have voiced their concern about the incompetence of $HILLBILLYVILLE's social workers.

That is one odd city... I just hope that something good starts happening very soon in there and the kids get their lives back in track.

That Rant...

The gossip of ex SIL dating my ex boyfriend was just a gossip (if it originates from SIL's mother I don't wonder), but I kind of hope at this moment that it was true.

Brother's kids were here over New Year and Brother took them back home 5th of this month. My mother and I started to wonder in following day why he hasn't come back here yet...
I went to see our father in 6th and heard from him that Brother is coming back in that day - he indeed came and with a rather interesting, and very distressing, story.
Long story short: kids had asked my brother to stay over there for a night (he confirmed it with both his ex and her BH before staying) and at some point of the evening, when kids were already in bed and adults were spending time together former SIL's new "better" half assaulted my brother because of a childish misunderstanding ("B"H was also very drunk, I was told) and my brother took refuge at local police station - after being taken to ER for a medical check.

While spending the night at police station Brother heard from the officers that the guy his ex wife is involved with is not just an ex convict (which isn't an issue as such), but has history of violence and drugs and apparently also present with at least with violence (I heard that his way to "train" dogs contains... hitting, hitting and some more hitting) and alcohol - it's also possible that he is already abusing ex SIL and we are quite afraid of when he broadens his horizons to the kids...

Ex SIL thinks her BH is "a REAL™ man" because he is controlling and abusive... and I really don't mind about her, but that "real" man of hers is a danger to her kids - but that "real" man can also be the reason why Brother will get sole custody.

He's out at the moment, apparently reporting BH to police and filing a case against him.

There's so much more to this, but I am just too pissed with the situation to think about them.

It's starting to sound more an more like a bad soap opera... (Friends Only)

... not that there was such thing as a good soap opera.

As you know my brother is divorcing (from what I know they can actually be divorced by now, the consideration period has, in my opinion, ended some time ago) from his wife. And everything we thought has proven to be true - and then some more.

Since my brother moved out following things have happened:

• SIL had promised to take kids with her when she went to enjoy Midsummer... but my brother received a phone call from SIL when she had packed the kids (all four) into car and SIL announced that she won't take their son with her.
  In other words she disowned her own child. Which, in my not so humble opinion, is a disgrace.
• SIL has been drinking heavily ever since my brother moved out.
• There has been six complaints about mistreating of children to social services regarding SIL: only two of them are by my brother. This implies that even other people are worried...
• SIL is unable to take care of her daughters (their son lives with my brother, who, as far as I know, has whole custody for the boy): we heard that their eldest (who's not even eleven yet) has been taking care of her siblings. She has been the one who has taken care of the hygiene of the youngest ones and the kids have had to steal food to be fed. In addition to this the house is a real mess.
• Some time ago the girls called to my brother in one night because they were afraid: turns out that mommy was drinking, there was also other people in the house, and my brother called police and social services. When the police came they tested SIL with alcometer: she was drunk, her blood alcohol levels were close to 2 &permil - the kids would have been taken into custody if there had been any place to take them to (my brother lives on the other side of the country at current as he had to "escape" the whole mess to protect my nephew (poor kid has asthma and it doesn't like the stress at all) so he couldn't take them). So, cops emptied the house and ordered SIL to sleep herself sober.

  Her mother claims she isn't an alcoholic - well, maybe not in her mother's opinion as she is an alcoholic herself.

• Girls and SIL are now customers of social services, which doesn't bode good for SIL's maternal rights in future - I really hope my brother could get the kids. Based on everything he has been single father of four minors and one adult (SIL) so he could manage with all the kids - as his SO is good with the kids, we know.

In addition to this we have to keep our brother's SO's identity secret from SIL as brother's SO is... our cousin. At least we know the family already!
And honestly, the kids seem to like her and she's quite good handling them, so it's all good.

And yesterday I heard something which really stunned me... SIL is in relationship with my first boyfriend!

Let me tell few things about the issue of my ex (I am not bitter, these are unfortunate facts (I'm just happy M. left me back in... 1996)):

• He's really not the brightest bulb. (You know, really.)
• He's very unyielding, intolerant and he has the hidden side of uncontrolled rage. (During the six months we were together he was physically abusive once, not much, but still. (The story behind it is that when I was 16 I wasn't over my childhood, and in addition to that I have VERY overactive sense of self-protection, so one day he came into a room I thought was empty (I was facing the window, doing something) and he scared me. I kicked him, instinctually, which, of course means that I didn't mean it, I was just so used to be prepared to protect myself back then. And that is when he got mad, even I explained the issue to him, even he know about my past... he didn't leave any marks, so maybe we can't say he was physically abusive, but the situation was very threatening.)
• He's LOUSY lover and in addition to that not that well equipped - they say that size does not matter... it does when man is equipped poorly enough... (Admittedly it's handy when the said guy is the one who takes your virginity: hurts less. *grin*)
  He also thinks that woman should give him oral sex, but he won't give it back because female genitalia is dirty... oh, yeah.
• He is either still living at home (you know, with his mother) or has only recently moved on his own: he's 34.
• Personal hygiene is completely unbeknownst aspect to him. (Ok, he does brush his teeth daily, but that's all... I had to teach him to use deodorant back in stone age.)

And I remember my SIL thinking that he is actually rather pitiful excuse of a man. That is when she was "happily" married to my brother.
In addition to this I know that M. hasn't dated before this since he left me, 12 years ago, so I think he's just plain desperate - as I think is she as I can't see any other reason for her mind to change that fast (as I know she knows all the listed things about him).

Maybe they deserve each other...

Anyway, what else can I say that the happenings of late make life sound like a soap opera. I am just waiting to find out that Mr. Wonderful is actually related to us (not very likely though, he's Brit with afro-caribbean roots, but you never know..).

But, at least you can't say that life has been boring lately...

Shortly put...

21st:

• I had a dream that I was about to get married. My wedding dress was sky blue satin... I woke up before it happened.
• I am hibernating: my basal body temperature was 35,2° C.
• And, I was zombified so long that I never made it to health centre.

22nd:

• I don't get the idea of HC closing at 2 pm in Fridays... I went there, was too late. *shrug*
• My heart is showing signs of physical exhaustion: it's wobbles.
• My digestion could manage wheat, but my asthma doesn't.

24th:

• I am beginning to think that I have sinusitis - though without pain. It is also possible that I have got the sinusitis from decluttering the living room bookshelf and I also have other underlying condition which started this all...
• The assumed sinusitis may be heading to my lungs.
• My basal temperature has risen, but now I suffer from hypersomnia.

During my absence I also heard that my brother and his wife have filed for a divorce - maybe he now understands that being a divorcee doesn't make me any less worthy than he is... hope springs eternally.

DIY: Make your fears come true

A bit more on negative thinking.

Last night SIL came to our family's IRC channel and begun to, honestly, complain how nastily my brother had treated her and how he is running away with his ex, ex with whom he hasn't been in 14-15 years. (Ex he probably does not miss even in his worst dreams, knowing thing or two about their relationship.)
In the end the issue was that his ex had contacted him (note: she contacted him, he did not contact her), nothing else. (Ok, my brother was, according to hearsay, pleasantly surprised.)

Now, based on what I know about my brother he has probably told SIL that she's overly jealous, which is true.
Friend of mine once said: Those who have cheated or have tendency to do so are those who are most jealous of you. And SIL has cheated my brother. I know it since she has told it to me.
She also happens to be those people who have a fit if my brother happens to look at some woman a bit longer, and still she should be allowed to drool after strange men (as mentioned before). In other words she's being hypocritical.

Anyway, that was for base, allow me to begun with the real issue...
They may have problems in their relationship, and one of the major problems is surely her lack of self-esteem. She has no self-esteem and therefore she can't see why my brother is with her. She has always been worried of not being good enough, even she's extremely good at hiding it. It shows when she's drunk (she really shouldn't drink). I know this is not the first time, and it won't be the last time.
I know her problem is in her slight handicap and being somewhat overweight, but she has not sense of realism... My brother chose to marry her, out of all the women out there, and have kids with her. Doesn't that mean anything to her? Doesn't that ring a bell?

And then, when I and my sister told her that if she really thinks he will leave he will, if she really thinks he doesn't love her in the end he won't as that kind of fears tend to actualize sooner or later because no one can love someone who tells you can't love them. In the end self-pity will kill that love there once was and all her fears will come true. (At the moment she probably thinks we are unempathetic b*tches, but she's entitled to her opinion.)
They have been in brink of divorce once (which was right after I separated) and I think they are getting there again... because you can't love me because I am [ ]/ you are [ ]...

Think about it yourself: would you rather be with someone who constantly asks how can you love me because I am so [excuse]? or with someone who thinks that you love one because one is the best there is (despite one's flaws)? Would you rather be contradicted or trusted? Would you rather be with someone who thinks that world will end if you are no more or with someone who prefers to be with you, but whose world won't end if you are not there - even if they love you? Would you rather be with someone who thinks you will cheat them because you are so weak you can't resist the temptation or because one is not good enough for you, or would you rather be with someone who thinks that you won't cheat them because you are strong enough, because one you love is all you need and then some?

Personally I would rather be with someone who is strong enough to stand on their own two feet if necessary, someone who is strong enough to love me as I deserve. Don't you?
So, take a moment and think which one you would like to have as a partner and then spend another moment being completely honest with yourself... which one you are in a relationship? Are you the one who makes one's fears come true?

No matter how much losing someone dear hurts we should realise that there is no other end of the world than the end of the world itself (and not even then if you happen to find suitable parallel universe). Bad things may happen, but world will keep on going and storms will change to sunshine if you just believe they will.

B5 and hypocrisy

Lennier:What kind of drink is that?
Ambassador Vir Cotto:I'm not sure. The bartender called it a 'Shirley Temple'.
Lennier: Interesting. I've studied many Earth religions and I don't think I've ever heard of that particular temple.
Ambassador Vir Cotto: Me neither. But, it's real good.
Lennier: Well then. I shall make a point to visit it on my next trip to earth.

Anyway..

My "dear" SIL has one use: she gives me good rant topics.

Few days ago she was drooling over Finnish equivalent of Chippendales, Hunks. My brother knows one of them and he would have got VIP tickets from this guy, but, as my SIL had head to bed early that evening she missed the possibility. Which made her annoyed because those are just so absolutely gorgeous men, gawddamnit!...
Now, I am not commenting on function of this kind of groups, or the fact that she drools over other men even she has quite nice piece of body living with her (aka. my... what-was-it... brother) and she happens to be married. No, I am not in mood for moral lectures here, but what bothers me is that same women who drool after these so-called-gorgeous men (honestly, none of them strikes my physical fancy (I adore men with good muscular tone and broad backs, but there's something odd in these guys)) are the same women who have a fit if their spouse looks after anyone, and these same women are those who preach about how erotic/ porn industry degrades women. (I don't get into the issue does it or doesn't it.)
I find these women very hypocritical, and what is worst in that... they don't get it. It's sad really.

As I said during same conversation by me... I wouldn't mind my own personal gorgeous (half) naked man shaking his booty to me if he also had IQ of 160. That would be enough for me.
(But then I am odd in that way... if I am involved my partner is most gorgeous man in whole Universe and he's only one I drool after. I am dreadfully faithful and simple, I know.)

TNT: what it was?

TNT: I had already forgot whole thing... Do you know what this little thing does?

...now only thing I need is suitable adapter and I'll get rid of that annoying cable which hangs in HP's hiney... (Yes, shock and awe, it is white, but it was free. *grin*)

SIL: By the way, I'm beginning to doubt that SIL reads my blog. She has been using $NAME-2-BE lately... after that little rant of mine.

Cortisone: Kills. My ovaries got upset and they have tried to murder me last two days... I had already forgot how much something can hurt.

Official YouTube: o.O! (It's about 9 minutes long...)

Gothic snowballs, dirty little secrets and SIL

After almost finishing first of the snowballs I decided to ditch what I had done and restart. This time I'll work straight from the original instructions.
But next time when I'm planning to knit plain, please, do come and hit me with a halibut - though... I have four planned projects (small) which will be knitted as plain knit...

One is insane, no doubt about that.

On something completely different.

Those of you few who know more about my personal history this is not a surprise, and I can hear you snort "Oh yeah, that's so not new..."
I confirmed it in Friday, though I have seen the signs of it long, long time... I seem to have a fetish for Indian men.
I know, it sounds stupid and awfully narrow-minded, but what can one do? What can you do when local men just don't do it for you? (And, admittedly, during last two and a half years my only short distance anythings have been with men of Indian origin...)
Lady is not made of wood, you know.

Though, I'm not saying that I don't find men of European origin (I hate word Caucasian, and as most "whites" in Northern America are also of European origin...) attractive, it just doesn't happen very often.

And then... something else...

My beloved SIL, oh yes... I think I have made despising her a hobby of mine.

Today she wanted to be helped on two issues (she only seems to come to our IRC channel when she needs something (can we say a leech?)):

1. recipe for tortillas,
2. help with English, as BBB (Brother-by-Blood *grin*) had passed out (in Finnish that refers usually to drunken state passing out... O_o) and she had to (you never have to do anything, you know) communicate with someone in English.

The thing is...

1. They have cook books (they have extremely good series of them which our mother has given to BBB as his graduation gift - and additional parts when they got married (we all have got both of the series)), they have internet (and I assume hope that either one of them is actually able to read and/or write)... and she's too lazy to consult those books they have, even they most likely are the closest, and easiest source of information. She refuses to use Google, as apparently typing word tortilla would be so amazingly difficult...
   She's almost 32 and she still needs someone to think for her.

2. I still remember how certain SIL of mine said to me that she does not need to know any English. (Though she also assumed in that same sentence that I know English just because I want to date "exotic men"... w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l. (Can we say active ignorance?))

I also happened to mention about the latter to her, and, surprisingly she gave /quit command quite soon after it. (Quite properly my last line before it was Boa noite e sonhos bonitos. (As I tried to remember what is Good night in Hungarian, but remembered only the Portuguese equivalent...) How did she knew what it meant?! *grin*)

By the way...

Coming to think of it I find something in my SIL's behaviour very... interesting.

I was thinking of bits_2_whole's gift and realised that she actually has her nameday 28th (28th of December is The Day of the Innocent Children (straight translation) and, in addition of being day of all Piias and Pias, it's nameday for every person whose name is not in Finnish calendar) so even if/as I'm late with her wrist warmers there's another suitable dates to time her gift to... which lead me to realise that only time when my SIL has congratulated me during this year, or in past few years IIRC, was my nameday in this May. What makes it odd is that

1. she didn't congratulate me on my birthday (which is way more important date), exactly two months later

   and

2. she knows (Information is provided, if she hasn't bother to read it it's her problem) that I'm going to change my first names (it has been known by my family about a year now, I think) - just haven't got that far yet (ie. I have to get new passport after doing it and I hate those applications, and it costs money (passport, not the name change)).

It was only time she has congratulated me on my name day, as far as I remember... Do we sense something fishy here?
Maybe we don't, but in my odd world that is kind of disrespectful, as in my opinion she tries to hang in past on the expense of other people, and that is something I can't tolerate.
She just can't accept things changing... which makes me wonder how someone can be so afraid of it? (Not that I'd love it, but I can live with it.) Or maybe it's because my names won't be Finnish so it makes me even less "normal" and that's an absolute scandal...

Be very, very afraid; It's rather silly

...but fact is that I don't stitch Panda as much I could/ should. And I know why.

I like the design, it has been in my 2-do pile since I first saw it. It's varying enough to keep my interest. I like the way it's coming along (even I disagree with designer with that huge area of white in panda's forehead), and I know I'll love it when it's finished

The problem, actually The Problem, originates from The Saga of The Fairy (Parts 1., 2. and 3. for your reading pleasure).
Honestly speaking I'm afraid that I'm right with this feeling I'm having... that poor little Panda will end up having same fate than Fairy had.

I was able to convince myself that it'll be appreciated, but since I'm detail oriented person, and even well-mannered to certain extent, I can't help but jump to conclusions from little episode with of my brother's birthday gift.
I may be exaggerating, but it kind of got me when our mother had to ask has the parcel actually arrived to them... They have her cell number, address, email... they have access to our family's forum, they know how to access our family's IRC channel... and nothing. Not a word of thank you before she asked...

I'm very, very worried.

Stop vivisection, use relatives... [Rant warning!]

I'm doing some SIL testing, as I'm curious to know what is the trigger of her interest towards my life. It seems to me that her tolerance is getting better (tolerance being not being interested of every single male related thing in my life (though fact is that I haven't been online since last Friday (28th of July) so it "may" affect)), but there is certain point when she gets interested...
Anyway, fact is that I seem to keep my family updated on this sort of issues nowadays (family forums come always handy) and my SIL is very aware of the fact that I haven't moved to monastery... and I'm anxiously awaiting her first "Tell me everything! Is he gorgeous?!" attack (I don't do non-gorgeous males, btw (Just my unbiased opinion, though I admit that my aspect of 'gorgeous' may be different from general view) *grin*). Not that there were anything to tell or that I'd tell that much even there were, but the fun lies in revealing, but not revealing method.

Actually I've been thinking of something which has to do with my SIL's apparent fetish for non-Finnish males and my father's apparent dislike for the fact that I'm not dating males with Finnish passport (Finnish males seem to avoid me quite well, and in my opinion there's too wide cultural and mental canyon between average Finn and me so I'm not that disappointed (I think I'd be categorized as non-patriotic *chuckle*))... If this thing evolves to somewhere it's rather easy not to reveal counterparts ethnicity as long as his native language doesn't pop out as topic. And being mean, mean thing my intention is to avoid such topics as much as possible (though bits_2_whole knows, but I think she won't reveal it).
I'm not rushing into things, but I also deal with the possibilities - and my mind likes to meddle with scenarios... It'd be interesting to just refer to person X with his name and make my father do his assumptions. And if there comes the day when my father meets person X it'd be interesting to see my father's reactions... as I'm quite positive that his assumptions would proved to be wrong. *devilish giggling*
And when it comes to SIL's apparent fetish it seems to me that she has different levels in her fetish, and she seems to have the thing for males who are ethnically from certain area in Asia... (I have this odd connection with Asia, have you noticed?) Even it does have no importance what-so-ever it's interesting - and fact is that males who are ethnically from certain part of Asia seem to have this natural fondness towards certain snowprincipessa, but maybe we blame those few drops of blood in me which originate from that certain part of Asia...

When it comes to my father's apparent dislike for the fact I haven't been in a relationship with a man with Finnish passport since I separated Dan (actually he's (ethnically) half Russian)... I've my theories about that, but I really don't want to believe in any of them even I know I may be correct with one or all of them.

1. He's intolerant (some would use word racist, but as there are no actual races (IMO and according to researches) I don't use the word) a-hole who despises the possibility that his "Aryan" little daughter (who's actually very far from actual Aryan) would get dirty (Urgh, doesn't this possibility sound wonderful? (But I know my father and honestly nothing wouldn't surprise me anymore (Do we sense loving daughter here?)))...
2. He despises the idea that I am actually 27, adult, and am able to decide it myself who I want to be with...
3. He despises the possibility that his grandchildren will be mutts... (Who gives a damn?)
4. I'm too good to any man...
5. I'm no worthy of any man...
6. He feels inferior towards non-Finn because of  insert reason here ...

Ah well, at least I know that my mom has no issues with the men I date and get involved with, even she may not be the most tolerant person on Earth. And when it comes to grandkids I know that she'll love my kids even they were purple with pink dots because they're my children.
And when it comes to everything else... my happiness counts.

(Btw, I do still wonder how my parents ended up together in the first place, and how they could be married over twenty years, as they're like night and day in most things.)

Ravings of a victim of jet lag; This and that - and everything else

I should write one entry considering Bangkok, but I'm too tired to do it, so I'll concentrate on other things on my mind.

Firstly:

World is odd place. I just chatted few minutes with someone who was applying to be part of my life before I got involved with Wolfie... ("You're a beautiful woman. I'm sure you'll find your soul mate." If it'd be that easy... *sighs*)
I'm not sure, but it feels that mr.X thinks that I was playing with him because I chose to concentrate on Wolfie. In certain extent that thought bothers me.

Secondly...

I seem to be interesting to certain member(s) of my family only when I'm in the brink of a relationship... Yeah, one SIL related rant again.
Since I told to my family that Wolfie and I won't be 'us' she hasn't sent me any IMs or hasn't been around in our family's IRC channel.
When I went to Bangkok, and before I told them (we (W. and I) knew it in early stage so there was some delay), she contacted (or at least tried to) me regular basis and idled around in IRC. My life was so interesting... and now, nothing.

And what's worse I'm dead sure that she has certain fetish for ethnicity, aspect of exotic (what ever it is) and... males I'm involved with. Or maybe I just get involved with way too good looking males. You never know. (Ok, I have never been involved with an ugly man, and I've to admit that last ones have been very nice to look at... *blush*)
It makes me worried because I'm quite sure that I won't end up in a relationship with a Finn in near future - or ever. I just don't seem to have anything in common with Finnish 46 XY karyotypes. (Don't ask me why. I don't know.)
It's not about not being able to trust my possible partner, but lack of trust towards my SIL...

I know she's able to cheat, and even I can't judge her because of that (being guilty for such an act myself in past) it bothers me because she's my brother's wife. And she has a good husband in many ways: he's good looking, physically fit and a good father (I'd think like this even he wasn't my brother). And the thought that she has been drooling after every man I've been involved with in past eight years makes me shiver.
The thing is that she does it very clearly, even she seems to think she's able to hide it. And it's very clear that she doesn't respect her own marriage or me... Sometimes it feels that she can't understand how I find those good looking, intelligent males being this nasty, plumpy brainiac who I am. (They come into my life because they like my brains - and looks. Because I've things to give, because I'm able to challenge them.)

What makes me worry is that I hate the feeling that my possible partner is just piece of flesh, something to show around.... a status symbol, something exciting. A possession without any value as a human being.
It makes me shiver because I'm with a person, not the looks or ethnicity (nor wealth/ social status/ profession (I just find males with good jobs *whistling innocently*)/ etc.). (Though, I admit that lately I've gotten fond of males with darker skin tone. They look healthier for some reason. And it's partly all about the attraction between opposites.)
It'd also mean that possible children of me and possible partner would be only freak show stars to my 'dear' SIL...

My honest opinion is that every single one of us should be involved with someone who's outside of our own cultural circle, just to broaden one's views of world and human race. (I can say that out of experience. Abhi taught me quite much without knowing it himself...) And to notice that no matter how we look we're all made of flesh and blood.

2½

And my father seems to think that Wolfie and I failed because of the cultural differences (in other words: It's no wonder that macho latino man can't get along with you... *SIGH* Just because he's South American by birth... ignorance is bliss, they say.).
If he only knew all the similarities we share in personal history, opinions etc.. (And my intellect wasn't a problem to him, as fact is that he fell in love with my brains.)

If my father just could get his head out of his a** for while.

Thirdly

I need to get decaffeinated from somewhere. My heart doesn't like regular coffee... after drinking decaf for a month.

Fourtly

This is not first time I hear this question in some form, but I can't stop wondering.... "What's your secret to speaking a foreign language with such exquisite beauty and poise and vocabulary that would shame 99% of people in the English speaking world?"
The thing is that I do survive with English, but I wouldn't say that my vocabulary is that good. (Though fact is that I'm able to have relationships in English and I survived last month speaking nothing else than English (and this wasn't even first time).) In my opinion I've dreadful black holes in that thing they call vocabulary....
But then.... maybe I should believe common opinion: it's not rare that people think I'm native English speaker. (Though I just don't get it. I'm not good at languages - or maybe I'm just too self-critical..)

SIL related rant

Now, after swimming back home (or residency, anyway) from Tesco (it rained (to give you the picture: ~5cm in 30 minutes), rains still), and having nice warm shower (I've become shower addicted during this trip) I'd like to think aloud a bit. About my SIL.

I don't know how 'safe' it is to whine about relatives nowadays as I know they know where my blog is, though I also happen to know that their English skills aren't very good (exluding bits_2_whole and for some reason there's never anything worth ranting in her behaviour), so... Anyway, something has been bugging me for a while, but for some reason yesterday broke the camel's back.

#anonymous IRC channel@ 11 pm GMT+7 (7 pm in GMT+3) (Nicks changed to protect the ign... innocent)

[23:14] SIL: Is sun shining?
[23:14] snowprincipessa: No, it isn't...
[23:15] SIL: so, it begun to rain?
[23:15] bits_2_whole: it's night in there.
[23:15] snowprincipessa: Exactly.

I admit that it was about the smallest thing, but after mentioning about gazillion times before that I'm in GMT+7 and they're in GMT+3, and therefore I'm four hours ahead of them it really gets annoying...
I explain a bit:

1. My SIL is a person who seems to think that
   1. Sun shines always in warm countries
   2. It's also almost impossible to have bad weather of any kind in warm countries (I still remember her surprise when she realised that it can actually snow in Spain...), though it happens once in a blue moon.
2. It seems that she hasn't got the idea of time zones.
3. Apparently she has slept every geography lesson where equator has been mentioned. Shouldn't it be common knowledge, for someone who has spent 9 years in basic education, that when going closer to equator night comes earlier? You think it'd be clear... (I wonder does she also think that nightless night is common phenomenon all over the world...)

Now, it's not lack of knowledge which bothers me, but the pure ignorance.
I'm quite sure that if someone asked about this from her she'd answer in her normal style: I don't need that knowledge, even she does. (At least if she does want to look like a person with even basic general knowledge. Though, I don't know does she. It has always seemed to me that for her knowledge, hunger of knowledge and intellect are somewhat intimidating aspects - in a woman, at least. (I'd say something about pleasing males on the expense of being yourself, but I won't.))

Really, lack of knowledge is easily cured, but ignorance, unwillingness to broaden your views and knowledge base... It seems to be chronic in those individuals who suffer from it.

Someone could say that her views are what they are because she has never been abroad. I can understand that. She has no connections to world outside Finland, she has never seen world outside Finland...and in comparison I've been travelling, not much, but more than you'd think of someone who comes from my social class, and I've seen that humans are basically the same everywhere. I also have connections to world outside Finnish borders (actually I've more connections outside the borders than inside...).
And honestly, you don't need to even go abroad to realise that no matter where you come from you're just regular Jane/ John Doe. Even there aren't that many foreigners in Finland (worth laughing: 2% of whole population) you can meet people of non-Finnish origin daily - though they (my brother's family) do live in Peasantville...

You could think that in modern times when you have tools to look out for information there wouldn't be any ignorance... Well, at least I can say I have a dream even I know I'll never see that one fulfilled.

About tags and lousy music

For some reason I've recently changed tags considering certain men. And both of those tags have been changed to their nicknames. Apparently my brain wants some continuity to my tagging policies. Now "men of my life" (well, at least last three... ) are all under their nicknames (Though Dan has other nickname which I use with him...).

I've feeling that I should know why I had to do it, but I just don't know...

Anyway. Been listening bad music whole day (My playlist for today contains: Ace of Base, Aqua and Army of Lovers) and I've to say that I'm surprised. I haven't been in this good mood in days, in weeks maybe. This is so made, naive even and... still I have to say that I like this s***.

Though one reason for it may be that these are memories from my youth (if 26 year old can talk about memories of one's youth). Maybe part of me misses that naiveness... though every time when I talk with my SIL I know that I really do not want that time back. I just don't want to stuck into the past like she has done.

Story of the fairy.

Well, that fairy I've mentioned few times is in plastic bag (!), which is in carton (let me doubt that there's piles of stuff over it) in a carage! Their carage happens to be separated from their house, so I doubt how warm it is or how dry it's air is.
So I think it's better to say "Bye bye" for that project. I just can't help wondering how someone is unable to respect belongings of their kids - and work of others.

At least I'm dead sure about something: they will never receive anything I've done. Not even their kids - which is kind of sad, as I'd like to have an opportunity to do something for them but...

2nd day of SAL.

This is lousy pic, but it'll give some idea.

Haven't stitched that much today as I've been bit tired. Went to sleep after 6 AM in the morning and woke up at 11 AM.

...woke up from a dream where I was with Sonnenschein, close to him. His eyes, those soft lips... *sigh* I seldom, if ever, cry when I wake up. Yesterday I did so. It was just so devastating to wake up alone, hugging my teddy.

Well, some of these days hopefully...

Btw.

Remember my SIL? Well, it's over four months since I asked that picture from her and I'm still waiting...

Family affairs and other things.

One thing I really appreciate in my mom is that she keeps everything I've made for her (Well, that's some mom thing but anyway). I've been documenting things I've done and my mom is easy person to get along documenting wise: I can find everything I need by just glanzing around in her apartment - in fact I've found more than I remember I've done.
Once again I tried to get pic of that Flower Fairy (I've mentioned it earlier) from my SIL, and still she just gives me pile of excuses. In fact I'm not irritated because she seems to be an idiot, I'm irritated because she seems to be unable to respect even belongings of her own kids. Maybe she hasn't realized that it was gift to their youngest child, not to her.

Exchanges.

I sent letter to Australia four days ago and when I woke up today I heard that it's already there. From Finland to Australia in 4 days.
Anyway, that letter contained cross stitched bookmark - and she liked it! Once again I'm happy. (Only thing which annoys me is my lousy cam...)

Now I need more exchanges as I really enjoyed those two.

Complaining, nagging, being bitchy etc.

Friggin' great. My browser crashed just before I got my entry posted... What we learnt from this boys and girls?
Always copy your entries in regular intervals to your browser's notes... Anyway, I was writing about...

My SIL, part II

It really annoys me when certain people seem to be uncapable to understand value of works of other's hands.

Long story but I try to make it short:

I cross stitched Daisy Fairy as a christening gift to their youngest child couple of years ago. Difficult piece for a beginner - which I was back then - lots of colours, colour changes, bunch of similar shades, fractionals... you name it. Anyway... I mailed to my SIL 12 days ago and asked if she could take a pic of it and email it to me.
First of all she never answered to that mail, even she spends quite much time with computer daily. Then I IMed to her and asked did she received my mail. Yes, she said that she needs to buy new batteries to their digital camera and then she'll take that pic. OK, it was ok to me. I thought that no matter what I'll get that pic in few days...

Today I IMed her again because for certain reasons I do know that there's batteries in that camera...

"It's in there, in renovation stuff pile... I'm not going to dig it from there..."

"Excuse me?! In renovation stuff pile?!"

"You know what I mean..."



Few things to mention about that:

1. She seems to be uncapable to understand even her mother tongue, which is quite alarming if you ask me.

2. Even I may sound bit übermensch I can say that I do know how this language works and how words should be interpreted in normal conversation.

3. I'm wondering how the hell she's survived last 30 years when she doesn't even seem to speak Finnish?

4. And, if she knows me as well as she claims, she should know that I never assume so I don't assume that she ment something else with her words than what she said.

5. They've been renovating last six weeks, she should have known that she wont get that pic even she got those batteries... In the other words she shouldn't have promised anything.

I'm having this bad feeling that something has happened to that little fairy. Ok, it's just piece of fabric and few metres of mouline but as I've made it I assume that people could even appreciate that hard work I've put to it. To be honest, I don't wait to get that picture - if I get it, I'll be amazed.

Maybe I'm paranoid or otherwise crazy. Who knows.

...and now for...

...something completely different? No, unfortunately no. More complaints about my SIL.

She has stucked into good old nineties. At least she seems to be blind to facts.

"What has happened to you? We used to be so good pals..."

First of all, what has happened to me?! Conclusion: she has not changed in ten years. What it tells about her?
So apparently it's odd that someone can change more or less drastically in ten years. Maybe I'm "bit" different now when I'm almost 26, and been trough things she could never understand, than I was in the mature age of sixteen. Those good old days when "we were so good friends".

To be honest I was unsecure little teenager who searched herself, of course I've changed as I've become "adult". That 16 year old hasn't never dated anyone and this person I am now has dated too much and divorced too many times (Once is too many times...).
That sixteen year old also thought that she's invincible, 26 year old knows that she's not.

During that ten years I've found my first BF, had sex for the first time, lost him, messed around with males, loved, had unattached sex, disappointed, realized that I'm more or less infertile, met a boy, got engaged and married, heard words which crushed my world, cheated because of revenge, tried so much, wanted to have a family, more or less left my husband, fell in love with someone else, dated, loved two men at the same time, broke up, got that one I really love, divorced... and also learnt to respect myself as me. Learnt that I don't need to please others, learnt that those real ones love me even I'm not the easiest person...

And I like this difficult bitch I'm nowadays.


Official off-topic of a day:

I'm a Rose Fairy according to Fairyscope, which is under Fun section in Flower Fairies web site.



Best and dearest flower that grows,
Perfect both to see and smell;
Words can never, never tell
Half a beauty of a Rose-
Buds that open to disclose
Fold on fold of purest white,
Lovely pink, or red that glows
Deep, sweet-scented. What delight
To be Fairy of the Rose.

/m3 (4n5

Apparently I shouldn't update my blog in the middle of the night. I just destroyed almost finished entry.

My SIL

Yes, nothing beats the loving care of relatives... At least those relatives who think that because of the good old times we should and we'll always be best buddies.

I can live with that fact that my SIL thinks that she's so friggin' emphatetic but what bothers me is that she is hypocrite.

Why I think so? Well... She has been in my life last >10 years so I could say that I know thing or two about her. And it seems to me that A. was "better" BIL candidate than M. as A. was "exotic". He was something to brag about to her buddies in that peasantville my brother's family lives in:

Oh, have I told that my SIL dates an Indian? Oh yes, isn't it exciting?!...

Apparently loving an European isn't something she could brag with.

How can I say that? Well, in autumn I showed her two pics: A.'s and M.'s and I told about her that I'm interested of both (This happened after met A. for the first time, before we dated officially)... Her comment was:

"Of course you take that Indian guy!

And why she thought so..?

"Because he's so good looking!"

Oh joy...

Maybe I'm, more or less, cold-hearted bastard as I was bit confused how the hell she weren't pro-European, anyway he has better educational background and he's cute though.

Anyway, after 4th of January M. became so very interesting and of course he'd always been my SIL's favourite... and after first month, or so, she haven' asked anything about us.

So, I think I could jump to conclusions:

1. I'm interesting only when I'm more or less single.

2. "Bit exotic" is good enough only when there's nothing "better" ("more exotic").

Ok, for most this wouldn't be that big thing but for me it is. I do know that I sound bit stupid... Anyway, I wait that day when I announce that he's here. Then I'll be very interesting again - and I have, unfortunately, proved my point.