Those Little Things

... that make you grateful: wrapping your child's presents in the middle of the night.

Those little things that were once so unlikely.

Operational plan, part 1

In order to make coming months easier for me I have set a goal:

1. in September I can buy some stash as in September I pay the last part of my biggest amortization off.
2. In October I can get some more stash as then I also pay last part of other debt.
3. November and December I can do what I want with the money (I need clothes by then, luckily I have hoarded used clothes in bigger sizes for Tiny so he should be ok - and I know where Salvation Army's outlet store is *grin*. And AS I start studying (I have decided that I will be accepted *grin*) I need to buy a new laptop for school so I need some money for that (I plan to get some from Santa in addition to that).)

and

4. in January 2015 I start saving money to pay up one last debt that is screwing things... It should only take a year at its worst.

And I already know what I want...

I have drooled after PINN's "Ganesha - The Hindu God of Wisdom" since I first saw it few years back. I saw it stitched on fiery orangey and red hand-dyed fabric and I just knew I had to get it.
They have several Ganeshas and some day I may justify buying this Ganesha too.
It's frigg*** expensive, but.... PRETTY!

(Admittedly I have two auto ships (cheap ones, sans floss and fabric) and I have a deal with Jenna I am paying each month. More about NEW stash when I have started all my crazies.)

Why?

It dawned on me in last November that in order to get a job in the profession I am planning to get a degree of I need squeaky clean background. And by starting clearing it now it will be ok when I, hopefully, graduate. (I need to apply first. *grin*)
There is also that minor thing that I want to offer Tiny things I can not at our current financial status - which would remain the same as now would I return to my old job - and I have very lame dream to actually be able to save up the down payment, get a loan and find our *own* home for Tiny and me at some point.
But all this means that I have to count cents and prioritize heavily now and focus on my goal. (Now, when it is financially easier as toddlers aren't financially demanding... yet.)

/methinks that thyroxine helped me to grow some big balls. And I love it.
Even I can tell you that my bank account at this point is a really, really sad sight. But I think this is also helping me to lose weight, I'm buying less bad foodstuff and stitch and drink tea through the evening opposed to... finding sugar highs. And despite not having weighed myself since.... erm.... long time ago, it seems that my shape has changed slightly which should mean some lost grams.

Another attempt aka. Stitching Goals 2014

I plan of having stitching goals for next year. Hope springs eternal, at least, and that should be a good starting point on my record breaking attempt to make some stitches. *grin*

I am not going to set huge goals for coming year, just try to stitch something, if it's just one project and few stitches, every month.
My Crazy January Challenge 2013 projects will also become my CJC 2014 goals as I managed to start most of them, but then... thyroid and personal issues took my mojo, concentration and such away.

My thyroid medication's dosage is now lower than it was this time last year, so I can see the reason behind being in fog last 2 years: rapid changes in thyroid hormone levels. First upupup and then they started to go down all the sudden and it took time for me to realize that.

And I must admit that all this breaking up, leaving my child's father, moving, dating and trying to suppress my feelings in order to survive has been quite hard.
But all things take their time... now I have plans for years to come, though I have to admit that I still need to figure out practical problems related to wanting to have more kids... as I am not quite sure do I really want a relationship, or need one. But kids... life's sometimes rather complicated.

Trying to stitch my WIPs away is also a goal of mine as at this moment, at least six months I am on REALLY tight budget. Shortly put I grew up and started to pay off the stupidity of youth (cost of love for a naïve idiot like me, I might say).

If I have learned something it is that one should never let love go before fiscal sensibility or responsibilities. (And being nasty b**ch I also say that if Ex-the-2nd would pay me all he owes me, I'd be in no trouble as I could pay myself free right there. Yup.)

Not like we are living like kings here, but it's surprising how little money you really need on necessities when you make a budget. Or how much extra there is in small income. (To give some perspective we live in poverty by local definition. And I find it kind of hilarious.)

But that's that.

So, my stitching goals for 2014 are

• Stitch something every month, even it is just few stitches.
• Work on my Crazy January Challenge pieces.
• If possible, reduce the amount of WIPs I have.
• Arrange my stitching stash.

Four goals and quite manageable I think. Let's see how it all goes.

Power of those funny little presumptions

It's funny really...

I was out in the town with Boy some time ago when I happened to stumble upon ex-husband.
Who didn't recognize me before I greeted him and even then he knew it was me because of the necklace I use. (It's not that common to use necklace with Hebrew word in it in my neck of the woods.)

And he didn't realize the most obvious thing: that I was pushing a pram, a big "combo" pram (Attack carts we call 'em here) as he asked what I am doing nowadays... I had to point out that this is what I am doing nowadays, pushing a pram and living life with a certain charming little man. It was like he hadn't even noticed that big black thing in front of me. As it is a baby thing and not something I could ever push around.

What makes it funny, or rather interesting, was that his brain had obviously categorized me as "barren" after those years we TTC. Even he knew that basically the problem wasn't THAT big... (and then few years later, thyroxine came along and changed the whole thing).

It's funny how I used to think that he's not stuck into categories or anything like that... even after I came to my senses back in 2004.

Though what makes me wonder is that didn't he really recognize the face he was married with for almost six years (and I still look almost the same, by the way) or did that pram really mes his little head THAT badly.
Life's little questions...

Alive and well: 31st week!

I've just been extremely tired and lacking interest towards anything basically because my thyroid values plummeted again last month. It got so bad that I even got two weeks of sick leave because of it (and in here it is extremely difficult to get sick leave based on hypothyroidism). Also put the leave to good use and had otits (media) while at it...

On brighter side of things the Baby Pack arrived in the beginning of this month and just before Christmas I was granted maternity and parenting leaves and allowances, starting from 23rd of January.

It's actually funny that those customers to whom I have mentioned that I am leaving next month have been surprised to hear that I am pregnant... or rather tragicomic because by no means I look this big normally...

My waist is "only" +26cm to where it started from so one could imagine that they would notice at least something, noticing that they see me all the time (and my belly grows forward, it's not spreading elsewhere)...

Now that I have few days off I have finally started a project I've been planning since I got pregnant: I'm stitching Baby W. a play blanket using Ellen Maurer-Stroh's Zoo Baby Book motifs. I'm doing it one square at the time which means that it will be finished as a quilt.
I'll post progress pictures of it to public entries, but won't mention whose baby I am stitching it for...

Good and bad results

Because I am overweight, have PCOs diagnose, have genetic tendency and I am over 25 I had sugar stress test last week to check if I have developed gestational diabetes. (Actually I have had two of them, first in first trimester, because of my weight.)
I was certain that I would because my fast levels were barely in healthy level in the first test, but was proven wrong today: to my great surprise my sugar balance has basically improved since first trimester despite having sleep problems last two weeks! 

Though this means I won't get size evaluation at 36 weeks and that birth won't be induced unless we go two weeks over due date... but on the other hand: no blood sugar tests several times a day, less restricted diet, smaller probability for a big baby (well, I was 3,6 kgs back in 1979 ) and smaller risk to develop DM II at later age.

But I also got explanation to my sleep disorder and other issues: my thyroid levels are seriously out of whack, again.   And I missed my endo's call today which means he's out of touch for a while, or so I understood when I talked with the receptionist, and decided to be a BAD patient: I just adjust my dose with same done my endo has used lately and get new test done next month.
He'll kill me, but so what?

Gosh, time is going SO fast!

First, thank you all!

Yet another antenatal appointment later (which went well, thank you for asking. Only my thyroid values are still low, but have risen with higher dosage so we are going to good direction)... I am now officially far along enough to apply for this:

Government gives every expecting mother maternity grant. It's either a BIG box full of baby stuff or 140 € of money. The box contains about 270€s worth of clothes and necessities (more pictures at SII webpage: here) so any guesses which one I am taking?

This grant was initiated after WWII to support poor families, but nowadays everyone residing here gets it after 154 days of pregnancy (mine is officially 154 days on Sunday) if they have taken care of their antenatal appointments (and got tested for HIV, tuberculosis and hepatitis). Many people dislike the clothes because they are so neutral... well, I like personal and colourful clothes, yes, but FREE high-quality stuff is something I won't say no to. And I can always dye those white and bland clothes anyway.

There's actually few things I have to apply for: maternity allowance (paid during maternity leave), parenting allowance (paid during parenting leave) and child allowance. So many allowances (and I still need to apply for caretaking allowance which will be paid after parenting one ends: this one is smaller, but still quite a good sum of money and I can basically stay at home three years, if our finances can stand it, that is).
First two basically mean that for the first ten(ish) months my income is only slightly lower than it is now, child allowance (appr. 100€/ mo. at the moment) is paid monthly until Baby Wonder is 17...

Sometimes I kind of like this Nordic welfare system thingy.

Less than three months from now and my maternity leave begins! Yay!

Things, they are a-changing... SECRETS!

The reason for my absence from online world is small, but still great.

The reason has made my thyroid values to drop, drop, drop, regardless that I take higher doses than ever before.

But it is all worth it. Thousand times worth it.

Only few people can see this post. You are the ones who I trust to keep your mouths shut everywhere else as this is still a secret in FB or in the forums I frequent(ed). And probably will remain one few months.

Blog life. And what happens when a crazy stitcher travels.

I haven't actively read blogs in a couple of years (yikes!), I think that more or less after spring 2008, that spring when I first realized that there is something wrong with me and got lost in my brain fog.

2008.

Three years ago.

I met Darling Husband that same year, even it feels like yesterday.

Anyway, today I started, out of the blue, collect all my feeds from Bloglines to Google Reader as I decided it would probably be better in the end as I have my calendar at Google too and this way I can get most of my necessary stuff on my iGoogle.

There was abandoned and hijacked blogs, which I just skipped, but many of those blogs I used to read are still going strong so do not wonder if a new, yet familiar sounding name starts commenting. It's just me coming back.

My first anniversary with thyroid meds is on Wednesday and I am still surprised how much the whole thing has affected to my life. And how much it still affects. But life must go on and with time things will get easier, I hope.

Travels

My mom and I went to Tallinn earlier this month: ate like horses in an medieval restaurant (see the virtual tour here. In addition to great surroundings (this time we at at Krusensterni Saal) they serve great food), bought Estonian cheeses, dark roasted coffee and... I found craft magazines.

In other words: Estonian beading magazine and Russian Susanna and Cross Stitcher.

And we are going to Tallinn again soon as we, or rather my mother, got two free ferry tickets from tax free (this company gives free cruises after using certain amount of money in their tax free store). We are going to hit one shopping mall... there is a craft store too. Guess where I am going?

Life is a funny thing.

I have felt like blogging, but I don't enjoy complaining all the time and that would have been mostly what I had done had I blogged.

Shortly put: it has been ups and downs for me last months. Damn thyroid. Damn seasons. But that's all about that.

And why should I just complain all the time when there is so much more to life anyway? And I am able to enjoy the little things, for some reason they just don't make blogging material.

Admittedly I still can't use time effectively, which I blame for that butterfly shaped thing in my neck (yeah, couldn't keep it out of the conversation *grin*).
Schwine thyroid *pronounced with fake French accent*.

But, hopefully, maybe, some day, I will get back to my regular blogging rhytm - or close to it (now that I actually have a life).

Off to stitch a bit, as this URI doesn't want that I sleep.

O tempora, o mores.

It's funny really. I realised one day, on the third week of sick leave ("The Usual Winter Thing" and then I became hyperthyroid), that I actually miss casual chit-chat with people.

 

Yes, I.

Long time, no see

This is quickly becoming quite a common entry title for me... because of that blasted thing on my neck. Because this cold winter has caused me two relapses.

Nine months later I still have my thyroid and my dose has been upped close to upper limit of recommended level of medication. 175 µg per day. One could almost think that there has been something in wrong with me all these years.

That makes me angry. Why it had to take at least 23 years before someone was brave enough to give me test medication? Why it took 23 years before a doctor paid attention to that swelling on my neck (first picture where I have obvious thyroid swelling was taken when I was eight)?

Of course there's nothing I can do to it anymore, just communicate with my endo and get this thing in order as in this case even late is better than never.

Few days from now I am seeing my endo again and this time I will ask for the preliminary diagnose and get the papers sent to SII.

November, designs and thyroid

November isn't my kind of month, I guess. I have been on sick leave last week with varying diagnoses. It started with viral infection and asthma, then went to asthma and now we are back to viral infection and asthma... but I think I am finally getting better, at least I am coughing less, now that I was prescribed HC cough syrup to stop the cough (ethylene morphine hydrochloride and rum, sounds like fun, right?).
Which is nice actually, I haven't been able to talk normally since I got sick because I have been out of breath. In addition to that I haven't slept much and have coughed too much.

Apparently it was a viral infection making my asthma go worse, that cramping my bronchi and cramps causing me to keep on coughing (and panting if I had to talk) even though my bronchi are ok. (And "funnily" my asthma was once again questioned by a doctor. It's fun to have abnormal levels of normal in so many things.)

Funny thing is that this is third year in a row when I have prolonged sick leave in the beginning of November. Last year it was that crazy three weeks fever...

But there is silver lining in everything

Because I have been tied to bed/ sofa whole week lacking energy and inability to have much social contact with anyone I have stitched a bit and designed a lot. (The best way to deal with insomnia is to forget it and spend the time not spent sleeping well.)

Actually stitching a bit is the reason for why I have been designing a lot as I fell in love with the colour scheme I used with the ornament exchange item and things kind of evolved from there to a point where I have now designed two, gorgeous (even I say so myself), complementing samplers.
And I have to admit that I have a plan for the smaller one, a SAL plan. (Actually only thing I need to do it to decide when...)

Did I forgot to mention?

I got great news regarding my thyroid in October: we have medicational balance!

Officially I am slightly hyper, but as I am feeling good (no jitters) my endo said it's not an issue.

What surprised me was that it took only 4,5 months to get there. (Actually I think my endo was surprised too as my bloodwork really crashed in six weeks, from TSH 2.7 + T4 18.3 to "whopping" TSH 0.19 (0.4 - 4) + T4 21.4 (11-21).)

Now it finally feels that my hormone levels are really getting where they should be as this is really the first time when my ankles aren't swollen after standing on my feet whole day and when my throat actually looks something like normal person's throat... and sometimes I even feel attached to things happening around me. That hasn't happened in quite a while.

On a negative side my wedding ring is getting loose and I hate the thought of having to have it made smaller as it would ruin the carvings inside. And I am emotionally attached to that lovely piece of jewelry, I don't want to lose a bit of it.

But now, after being awake for 20 hours I think it is time to start another day and hope that when the time comes later today I could actually sleep at night.

Ta-ta.

I was checking my cycle data at Fertilityfriend earlier this evening because I wanted to know did I had any recorded ovulations before I got thyroxine.

I had, one, in the beginning of April 2009.

Wth my newly acquired knowledge about temperature change patterns in menstrual cycle I found something from that chart, something that surprised me.
There was a triphasic pattern in it. Which can indicate pregnancy (I know it always doesn't).

Otherwise I would have just thought that I just had that kind of a pattern, but I remember that cycle well as I felt after the ovulation that there is something different in this cycle, and had increasing feeling of maybe even being pregnant. I just didn't buy the test because I knew they wouldn't say anything about it after just few days. I decided to wait until few days after my menses should begin.

Only couple of days before menstruation I fell quite badly (slipped) and the day after that I spotted. For one day. That same day my temperature dropped drastically. And shortly after that my menses started.

What ifs and maybes, yes, but it's odd and not all pleasant feeling. If it was so the good thing is that I can actually get pregnant (though based on that it's other thing to stay pregnant), but it also means that I miscarried. And I can't help to think that if I was pregnant and if everything had went differently our baby would be eight months by now.

And that hurts like hell.

And I am probably slightly crazy... but still, even the what if is good enough for me. And even the slight possibility can make me sad.

Gingerbread houses and other stashy things

Late birthday gifts are always the best, I think.

 

1-2-3 Stitch! accidentally doubled my other order and I received two accessory packs and 2 x two skeins of Orange Charcoal Valdani and since I haven't heard anything from them after emailing them on Saturday I am beginning to imagine that I can keep the things *knocks on wood*, which is, of course, more than ok with me, free stash (even more when we are talking of pricey accessory pack) is always good.

I actually got these few days ago, but then fell sick (for the first time ever Hubby got sick before me, hence I got the cold from Him) and lost my will to live blog (and stitch). Luckily only for three days, which was surprisingly short cold in my standards.

Last week of my vacation is slowly coming to an end and I am starting to panick as I haven't done even half the things I imagined I have time for. Though I also tend to demand too much of myself, as I (should have) know(n) that there is still over a week in every month when I regress despite the medication - and lately I have been in regression anyway as, no matter that I take 50% higher dose than I should, the thyroid medication level is still far from optimal.
I am beginning to think that I have once again proved that one should be careful what one wishes for as I have a nasty feeling that my thyroid really is quite close of actually "dying". Or maybe it is just the change of season as when it was +35°C I was feeling (almost) completely fine, whereas now that it is under +20°C my basal temperature has dropped over .5 degrees in one month and all the nasty symptoms are getting back - I am not saying that the medication hasn't been good, it has and in general I feel better than I did before the medication, but after tasting the life of a person with functional thyroid all the symptoms seem much worse when they return, basically just because the regression itself is a bit depressing (even I knew it was coming).
And now I have started to worry about the doc's appointment next week, even I know that my bloodwork was far away for being hyper or even good and even I know that my endocrinologist is known to prioritize symptoms before bloodwork.
The question is will he believe my view about the ideal dose for the winter or not.

Only good things

Surprising as it is - or maybe I just imagine that I have been companing quite a bit last year or so.

The most important good thing, is that today is/ was our 2nd anniversary as a couple!
Admittedly it is not surprising as for some reason it has always felt that we are us, period (if anyone undertands what I am trying to say).
But I have come to realise that I have really been found by a really great Man, much greater than I thought even I have always thought very highly of Him. (Admittedly He is sometimes somewhat frustrating, but no one is perfect, I guess.)

Secondly: recently I have come to see the light after years of darkness.
I would have never imagined that my life was so dark, muted, dull than I have now realised it was. And all just because one wise doctor gave me prescription for little white pills. Those little pills are like candles, they are bringing light to the ultimate darkness I used to call "life", and now I see how dark it was and still is.
But I know it is only getting better from now on and I know there will be more and more candles. Some day my life will be filled with light, even occasionally some candles become dimmer.

I don't know am I exorcising evil spirits as I am beginning to hope that my thyroid would just turn off completely as it would make life much easier in the end. Even though it would also mean that in case I do not have access to thyroxine I will fade away fast.
I just hate not being able to eat nectarines. I hate seeing my thyroid grow and shrink on daily basis. I hate those dim days because my thyroid has decided to take a day off causing the glass jar dose being too small.

Thirdly: I have finished (stitching and finishing wise) six (6) stiching smalls within last month!

I am soon beginning to think that the medication has had some kind of an effect on me!

Hypothyroidism: Never a dull moment

I am beginning to feel entertained by this.

Day before yesterday, after poorly slept night (which is a big no-no), I headed to the laboratory and gave some blood for science because I wanted the realistic result, not the post-vacation one, even though I should have got the bloodwork done later.

Rebellious, aren't I?

Well, I got the results and the reference between these and the previous tests is not the same so comparing them is a bit more complicated - add to that that sleeping poorly keeps your TSH levels down so basically I can add anything from zero to 1,5 mU/l to the result. Which basically means that my TSH levels have actually risen after the medication.
But so have my thyroxine levels, though just slightly.

The fun part is that this could mean that I have central hypothyroidism or autoimmune or both or something else.

Regardless, my real thyroid is a mess and that little glass jar (also know as my glass thyroid) in the kitchen cupboard is my saviour.
And my dosage will be upped. Probably quite a bit.

Blaah: ankle, thyroxine, D3 and yadda yadda.

Well, my ankle was completely ok for a month after starting thyroxine...

Then it wasn't and on Monday I had to see a doctor about it...

The result was: inflamed tendon (which is, based on the doc, quite common issue even months after ankle injury), ton of pain killers and week off - in forced rest.

So - *not* - cool (even though I have now had the advantage of being able to lay next to a fan 24/7 as it has been over +30°C for last week or so (coming to think of it the heatwave started when Mr. Wonderful traveled to Lagos)), as I am dead sure that my thyroid dislikes naproxen even it should not affect to thyroid function in any way (like I would believe that?!) as I don't feel very good.
Well, I upped my thyroxin dose two days ago and quit The N today. Let's see what my thyroid says about it.

 

On other news I decided to try "unhealthy" dose (at this moment 100µg/ day) of D3 (recommendation in here is 5-10µg/ day, which is way too low in a country with short summer, everyone knows it) as I have been told that it might actually boost thyroid function, but what really made me try it was this: Vitamin D Can Aid Fertility.

"A study has found a link between low levels of Vitamin D and problems with ovulation.- - - The team from Yale University School of Medicine studied 67 infertile women and took Vitamin D measures from them. Only 7 per cent of them had normal vitamin D levels and the rest had either insufficient levels or clinical deficiency.- - -

Dr Lubna Pal, from Yale, said: "Of note, not a single patient with either ovulatory disturbance or polycystic ovary syndrome demonstrated normal Vitamin D levels"
(Editorial note: Bolding by yours truly)

Now that's something.

Of course the thyroxine will also help with ovulation as it raises my desperately low basal temperature to normal levels and balances hormonal function: at the moment my basal temperature is about 0,5°C higher than it was pre-thyroxine - and I have only used it 6½ weeks.

I am a body yes...

You Are a Pond

You are modest, pleasant, and reliable. You are content and confident. You are harmonious and caring. You truly like other people for who they are. You are a very genuine, humble person. Because of this, you're very approachable. You are soft-spoken and a bit sensitive. Your mild personality is a refreshing change for people. What Body of Water Are You?

So this is how it feels...

Honestly I can't remember when I had a day like this one last time, but it has been around 2006 or beginning of 2007 (I started to loose "it" completely around that time): I have felt creative and, not energetic, but not tired either and what is most important is that I have had ability to concentrate on something and enough interest to do it.

In addition of designing I have stitched, chatted with an old friend over the phone for a long time, chatted with another one online, finished two biscorni etc. - and all this after a very poorly slept night!

This must be how normal people with functioning thyroids feel like.

I am jealous of you people.

I really am and I can only hope that my glass jar thyroid can keep get me where you are and keep me there. I like this feeling. A lot. (And G-d bless The Doc, he has given me back that person I never have really been before.)

30 days later

Oh yes, I am very much alive. I have just entered the phase which is said to be nasty to most people, one month of medication, and hence I am quite... tired. Though I would imagine that my problem is mostly that Mr. Wonderful traveled to Nigeria and I simply have not been sleeping too well. As usual.
It's also possible that I have started to take my thyroxine too late and stay awake until early hours because of that, but I would bet on lack of my Wonderful. I have never been good on falling asleep or sleeping soundly throughout the night when He is not by my side.

And of course I obviously need higher dose of thyroxine, but... I really shouldn't up the dosage before I get blood drawn in August.

Regardless, I love the stuff, which obviously means that my thyroid is not ok. Actually I foresee quite a high dosage eventually which means that my thyroid is either very dysfunctional (not literally dead, not yet at least) or my body just needs more of the hormone, for reason or another... but on a brighter note, I may be able to FINALLY lower my cortisone intake!

I noticed this within last two weeks as I wasn't taking my asthma meds as often as I was supposed to and used officially empty (the magic with easyhalers is that they are not empty at that point, the manufacturer just does not quarantee correct dosages at that point) easyhaler without any symptoms of worsening asthma. Pre-thyroxine me would have been hospitalized by now.
There has also been drastic change in my allergies: I have taken like five tablets within whole month of June, whereas back in old times I would have took approximately 60 by now from June 1st... AND the best bit is that my thyroid medication actually has corn starch in it and there are no issues, taking that I take it carefully (if it touches my lips there are symptoms).

Crossed stitches

I have been stitching, have two biscornus almost finished, but I haven't got around ironing and finishing them yet. I blame work for that: no matter how great evenings are because of the extra pay they kind of limit the things you have energy for outside work.

But, I took this weekend off as my birthday is tomorrow (yikes, I am 31 soon! ) and have decided to wake up early tomorrow (3rd) and spend the whole day... stitching and watching DVDs (and eating something less healthy *grin*).

I think that sounds like a great plan.

Maybe I have the energy tomorrow (after yet another day of coming home just before 1 am... from work) to post about the loveliness Jenna sent me, too!

Wonderful

I am not sure have I ever said that He is a real sweetheart? If not there it came.
I have an interesting feeling that now that we are married He is treating me even better than before - which is of course how it should be - He even cooked some food (tuna sauce (He makes the best tuna sauce ever) and okazi soup) for me "for a bad day" before He traveled, which He has never done before (well, intentionally).
(Or maybe He has found out that Nigerian food has become my comfort food and it is easier for me to cope with it - when I had the suspected Swine I craved for egusi soup...)