Long time, no see

I have thought about writing an entry for about bazillion times. But to no avail as life has been overwhelming and my head has been even greater mess than it usually is.

But I talked to Someone Very Dear about my blogging recently and he wondered why I have ceased to do it because I was good at it... Back in the day when we got acquainted. 12 years ago.

No, there's no Mr. Right Now.
Someone Very Dear to me is that missing piece of my soul, Mr. Wolf from aeons ago.
It's funny really. It has been years since last time and when we talk (well, type) it's like those years never existed. I never get that with people. Never. Time gets between me and my ability to act normally. Usually.

Which probably has something to do with the fact that I may have inattentive ADHD and it causes me to have problems with social interaction. among other things (like life). It's not official, but it would explain a lot (a WHOLE lot). and preliminary testing points heavily to that direction. It would also explain why Tiny has ADHD too (and vice versa). This is recent addition from this summer, but it was not a surprise to anyone who is in contact with him. And hopefully there will be medication trial this year as Tiny goes to preschool (today!) and needs to amp up his concentration.

Maybe I am back, who knows. Let's see.

In old days I used to somewhat enjoy verbal conflicts, challenging people's opinions and ideas, but I have come to realize that those days are over. When someone starts to pick up a fight, I just vanish as I simply don't see the point in engaging to one.
And somehow it seems that some people consider it cowardly that I do choose... no, I don't choose my battles. I simply avoid them.

To be honest I just don't give a damn. Even if I know that I actually had some real input on the matter. And I do miss having heated conversations, I just don't want to have them with someone I don't know or trust.

It seems that the knowitallness of youth is becoming the settled universal wisdom of nearing middle age. Though, I still do know it all and better than anyone else. You can't take ass away from smart ass. *grin*

Happy Mothers' Day to me

It has been like any other day: we have done laundry (Tiny has helped by throwing wet laundry on the floor), picked up Tiny's Duplo giraffe up from under our balcony (he has invented a new "fun" game: he throws stuff over the railing - we live on second floor), played, made some yeastless focaccia for Tiny (admittedly I ate A LOT of it) and practised falling asleep without his bottle.

He is such a precious little lad and such a big boy already, he even wiped the floor today (with our dishcloth). *grin*

We have a good life together, Tiny and I, and even I am not perfect Tiny seems to think that I am the best. And that's all I need.

Once I Was Afraid/ I was Petrified

Last four months have taught me a lot. I have come to notice I am much stronger than I thought and that things I once considered as the end of the world aren't such.

I have come to realize how much I can love and how much there is room for denial in my little head. And that my inner self knows things before I do and prepares my subconscious for what is bound to come.

Last three weeks have been harder than one can imagine as I have been burning midnight oil trying to get stuff organized, even though it may not look like it at the moment.
But it has been good. I see in myself how much happier I am as people react to my happiness now. Not so long ago I was much more reserved because I "had" to be careful with people. And somewhere deep in me I was unhappy. For certain reasons.

And now I can smile and laugh with people without needing to worry. I can be myself. I can be good, happy mom to Tiny.

I CAN be happy.

Happiness is...

Tiny is playing with his toy arch, babbling and yelling to his toys and I can't but smile happily and giggle. And think how evil of a person it makes me that I have realized that I feel relieved that this is how it is: just me and him.

I probably shouldn't, taking how things are, but that is how I feel and nowadays no one is judging me when I say how I feel...

It won't be easy, but it'll be worth it.

When we were napping, Tiny and I, I had dream of tons of different cross stitch designs, which probably means that today, after Tiny has gone to bed, I'll better put some stitches on something.

I knew it!

I saw the endocrinologist today.

It was such a stressing experience, I couldn't sleep well the night before and was very anxious whole morning...

...but the main thing is that the doctor thought that it is much more useful to test what thyroxine does to me than spend, like the other doctors, years arguing about the diagnostics of hypothyroidism.

And even though my values are still within the allowed limits my symptoms, family history and swollen thyroid (can we say goiter?) are enough to justify prescribing the medication.

So, Houston... we have thyroxine!

We agreed to meet again around September and see how the medication has affected to my health - and if it has affected positively The Doc will up the dosage, as in his opinion 0,1 mg is not enough in my case, and apparently give me the official hypothyroidism diagnose.

No matter how it makes me sound I am HAPPY!
It took over two years, but finally a doctor listened to me and examined me and admitted that I have probably been right all along.

This is why some people are called specialists.

Writer's Block: Bitter aftertaste

 

Basically I have never gave a damn when it came to roommate's or friend's musical preferences - though admittedly I do not think too highly of a person who listens solely of one artist or genre. Being a person with very varying musical taste I find it disturbing that there is someone who can be so limited, strict or just plain boring.

When it comes to love music has played a big part and it has usually been unifying factor (excluding Dan's love for Mozart, whereas I can not stand most of Mozart as it shuts my brain): without my love for music I had never ever met or got to know Sonnenschein or Wolfie (in Wolfie's case this is more than true).

Though we have never discussed much about music with Mr. Wonderful we seem to share at least some preferences (soul, jazz etc.) and the differences we have haven't been an issue.

I have also found several music styles I love because of love. Had I ever learned about Indian, Brazilian, Thai or Nigerian modern music without the persons who matter the most, I can not say, just assume that I hadn't.

But detract? I would love to say that am too stubborn to that, but I have to say that in a way it happened back in past as I want to please the person I love too much and thought that suppressing my own personality to support the one I loved was a good idea. Well, it wasn't and I learned my lesson: music is a big part of who I am and one should be able to enjoy the music one loves.

Myself, He, Must-Haves, new stash etc.

I was playing with my cell phone's camera today when on my way to work...

Not too bad noticing that it is edited with my cell phone's image editor.

An apartment is not a home without him

I took some stuff home yesterday (I have been at my mom's since Mr. Wonderful traveled: first watching cats and after she returned I just haven't had any days off i.e. no time to transfer all my stuff from A to B) and it really hit me how much I miss him. Everything at home reminds me of him and even all his things make me smile it hurts to miss him as much as I do - though on the positive side every day is one day closer to his return.
It will be difficult to be at home without him there: though I can avoid that quite well by working insanely and on 10th we head to our mother's cabin to celebrate our 90th - having some company will be good for me - and we won't return before 14th. Hopefully He is coming back around that time, finally (as it is taking longer than anticipated for him to get the documents etc., but August has been holiday season in Spain), as honestly speaking I feel lost without him by my side.

At least now I know that what I always say to him is true: he usually asks how my day has been when I come home from work and I reply "it's great now as I am at home with you". Now my days are incomplete as I can't kiss him when I come home, sleep with him or wake up beside him.

*sigh*

[Insert drool here]

I have a bad habit to check new additions at 1-2-3 Stitch! every now and then and I must say that the latest new additions are just so... on my wish list!

Check yourself:

• Southern Garden
• Christmas Sampler
• The Great Pumpkin COnspiracy
• Sleepy Hollow
• Counting Bats

 

7 x 4

They say that life goes in cycles of seven years.

I realized that I am in the end of the fourth seven year cycle.
Maybe it is why I have been feeling lost, easily bored, found odd things from myself.

It's quite an interesting thing that seven years ago I moved to the other side of the country to study. I went there to study something I found interesting as much as I ran away from the situation Dan and I were in. It was my first attempt to leave him, or rather I wanted to see how my life would be without him. I wanted to see do I have a reason to come back to him.
I could have survived without him, but I came back for two reasons: I loved him and wanted to try for the second time and... I didn't want to live without physical intimacy. Maybe it makes me a moron.

Nowadays, few days before my third divorce anniversary... part of me doesn't want even think of being with someone, other part of me would love to be head over heels again, settle down and live in wedded bliss with kids... In its way it scares me, this all or nothing attitude I have found from myself. Or rather I have recently accepted it in me, as we know, I am a person with very passionate character and I am only contented with the highest high or the lowest low.

Though I am not sure would I like to change that in me, even it would probably make my life easier, at least it might make it easier to gain those few things I actually would love to have.

I have found myself from thinking men I once had in my life, but only those who I met after Dan, thinking of them with warmth, the good times we shared.
I don't miss them as such, but I miss the little things, the most I miss the feeling of warm skin against mine.
In theory that would be easy thing to achieve... Once just having that would have been enough, but not anymore.
With age I have collected a good deal of deal breakers and must-haves, aging has made me pickier and sometimes I worry have I got too picky, or is it just as they say: when you once have it good there's no going back.

Maybe I am, as I once thought, a love junkie. Maybe I suffer from emotional mania: only thing worth feeling is being high up in the clouds.

Our student advisor, when I was in ninth grade, said that I could be described as a person who has her feet firmly on the ground... and her head firmly up in the clouds. (I also surprised him in all the suitability tests he loved so as I was both artistic and mathematically gifted and my personality is suitable for both team work and working on my own. He decided that he can't suggest me any spesific career, but was sorely disappointed when I didn't apply for "high school", but applied to Crafts and Design School and got through the application exams well enough to be approved - there was some talk later about the basics why people were accepted and I recall hearing the words "great eye for colour".)
I think there should be one addition: my heart loves the sun up there, over the clouds, so it is either all sunshine and butterflies or nothing.

I am afraid that it makes me kind of an ass. It means that I have to be completely honest to myself, but it also means that I may change how things are in a second because even the smallest rain may drop me off of my cloud.

The interesting thing in this is that I find myself from thinking along the same lines as the other half of this shared, and in its way shattered, soul. The one I love dearly, the only person I seem to understand no matter what, but can't have because love isn't always fair. (Maybe that explains why he has been only one to be able to really knock me off of my feet to date.)
It doesn't mean that I am not over him, it just means that I have become to find life very odd thing - and in certain way I find it soothing to know that there is someone like me, spite of everything as I can't be a total ass if someone like mr. W. thinks like I do.

96 days until my 29th birthday, 96 days until the next seven years begin.

I am quite stupid sometimes

I have been wondering why I have been sleeping so oddly last days... it probably might help with my energy levels if I ate something in addition of two bowls of natural yoghurt with some honeydew melon bits in it/ day. Altogether they make whopping 800 kcal for a person whose average energy usage is about 2200 kcal/ day.
Can we say undernourishment?

I just can't seem to remember such mundane things. Eating, what's the idea with it anyway?

Still, I have spent some time to familiarize myself with few scripts and I have just started to re-do Periphaeria Designs' site (it's there, you just can't see it *evil grin*). When it is done it will be quite professional looking - and when it is done I can pat my back quite some time, maybe I have to even reward myself then with something... like new stash.

1717: "If to love you is to die/ Then let me die a thousand times"

I once read that love is not that feeling when you can't live without someone, but when your life would be good without the person you share your life with, but the person you share your life with brings some pizzaz to your life.
I have come to understand that notion during the last few years.

Admittedly I have never been good in clinging in anyone (I am physically clingy, sometimes emotionally too, but I know when it's time to let go) so the basics have always been there. Probably I am just too lazy to waste my energy to someone who doesn't want to/ can't be with me.

I have given quite much thought for love as an aspect and on how love reflects into my life lately...

The main reasons for that are the truce with Sonnenschein, the SMS I got from Wolfie in New Year's Day and a conversation I had with mr. X (remember the guy I had a crush on about a year ago?) - mainly the two latter ones.
The SMS just told me what I knew and showed to me that I have traveled far since The City of Angels (the funny thing is that we both still love each other about as much as we used to - we are too alike, and probably we are only ones who can actually understand that fact about the two of us).
The chat with mr. X. was confusing in its way, but eventually I think I know what it told me... mr. X. ran away because he was scared of me and what he felt for me, and scared for those feelings I had for him. It's saddening, but it's not something I could change.

Wolf called me a paradox once "because you are as beautiful as you are intelligent" (for clarification: he considers me as a very intelligent person (that alone proves that there's something in wrong with him, right? *grin*)) and mr. X. surprised me by saying that I have both internal and external beauty - it was surprising because last time I "talked" to him we argued quite badly.
And those lead me, for about the thousand time, wonder what in me causes my singledom? As it seems to me that most who have seen who I really am run away, but still consider me as someone wonderful, someone good. Once again I wonder can it really be so scary to actually be kind-hearted and honest... and depraved as heck.

I have also come to wonder if love is anything else than a form of happiness, an illusion created by feeling good. (I am not saying that it would degrade love in any way if it is so, as I find it only naturally egoistic to keep those people close to us who provide us the feeling of happiness.)
If you think of it, you feel like being in love if you have a good time, the weather is nice and everything seems to go your way - even if you weren't in love, at least in conscious level. And even if you were in love you may not feel like it when the mailman bites your dog and neighbour's roses stomp on your kids... or was it vice versa? Anyway... in the days when nothing seems to work you may also lose the loving feeling.
What if it is lost just because you are not happy in that particular day? Known fact is that relationships tend to break during hardships, i.e. during times when you confront so many hardships during certain period that you just don't have room or time for happiness.

If I just could understand it all....

Poverty? Not really.

In Finland person whose income is less than 900 euros/ month is considered as a person living in poverty. That also means that I am considered as one (though during the course period I am not, as my income is whopping 910 euros/ month (I don't consider PD as a source of income yet as I don't withdraw the money on Paypal account on bank account to be used by me - I may buy some new stash with PD's money every once in a while, but I consider that as a stitching wage and a reimbursement from those supplies Lady still gets from me), thanks to the financial incentive from SII).

I find it questionable as poor is not a word I would use of myself. Think of it: I have two working computers, I have a broadband connection, I own three cell phones, two PDAs, two digital cameras, TV and all the "regular" devices, dishwasher and loads of other household appliances, multifunction laser printer, I live in a cozy apartment, I have food without begging or trusting food aid (and I couldn't use their stuff anyway: wheat, pork... you get the picture) because I have money to buy my food, my cats eat expensive pet store food... AND I can afford little creature comforts like new stash and visit to a hairdresser every now and then.

I can't see my poverty.
Admittedly I have problems with making the ends meet in case I need new clothes or shoes, but for me it's not a sign of poverty, but a sign of spending too much on unnecessary stuff. (Luckily my mother tends to give clothes-on-request gifts and my father, when he gives gifts, usually gives money - not much, but any extra money is good.)

Partly my personal lack of poverty is thanks to our welfare system as if I had to pay for my medication, even the part left paid after SII pays their part, I would be poor as -100€/ month may not sound much, but with income this low it's 13,5% of my average monthly income (before rent)... But that is the reason for the system to exist: to prevent poverty and social problems related to it - and of course, in the long run it's way cheaper for social welfare to pay for the medication of us, financially less fortunate, than pay for the consequences (i.e. long hospitalizations and unecessary retirements - though I would end up suffocating to death, eventually, without my medication..).

I can't still see my poverty, and admittedly I can't understand how anyone in my situation can claim to be poor, even there are people who claim that they have no money to do anything - and still they find the money to buy tobacco and alcohol...

Though, I know that person in my situation should also be withdrawn from the society, sick, have drinking or drugging problem and be unable to do anything useful, due the hopelessness caused by a long period of unemployement and low income... I don't even drink and I try to take care of my physical and mental health and when my asthma gets under control I am able to work full-time.
Maybe I just need to always do what I love to do, prove them wrong. (I'm such a show off anyway.)

Smells like teen spirit ;)

I surprise myself occasionally by acting quite teeny. Today I entertained myself while waiting for the bus by trying not to attack on one VERY cute Japanese guy and take him home with me... maybe I have an obvious fetish for Asian men or maybe it has to do with that great hair of his (I admit, men with great hair (= black, shiny, thick) are somewhat a weakness for me)... Maybe I need a life? Or at least the carnal form of such because I have started to drool after every cute guy I see...

Maybe I just need to stitch more.

The Hole

Honestly speaking... there is a huge hole in my life and the hole is called Love, or rather lack f it.

After I have fell into this so called normal life I have had the feeling of having one piece missing from the puzzle. That piece which has the detail that makes the image whole, even the lack of it doesn't distort the image enough to make it unrecognisable. You just know that there is something missing.

Hence I am getting back to the dating scene. On that threatening, stormy sea which has the paradise island in it, somewhere - I just have lost the map.

I can live alone, but I don't want to. I have no problems to live in celibacy, but I can't say that it does not bother me as sexuality and sensuality, even they are different aspects, walk hand in hand and someone as overflowingly sensual like I am can't stand the situation where she can't be who she is.
I want to be loved, I want to love... even more important: I want to know that there is someone whose company I love no matter how much time I spend with him. I want to have someone to have heated discussions with, someone with whom to be just as childishly silly as I can be.
I want someone to touch...

But still I don't want to end up in a relationship just to be normal or just to prevent being alone/ in celibacy/ unloved (and then, there are people who love me, but who have chosen not to be with me).

Life is really so very odd sometimes.

Boo.

Need a new look for your desktop? Click.

In general I haven't vanished from the face of the Earth, I was just rather tired yesterday after my first day. It was not the strain from the actual work, but the fact that I had only slept about 2½ h on the previous night...
But spite of that and the fact that I have been on the go since 7:30 (when I left from home) to 20:30 (when I got back from Hebrew class) I am not tired at all. O_o (Which is VERY unlike me.)

Though, I have a great reason to stay awake late, spite of my plan to get to bed early: FedEx guy visited my work place today (which was kind of funny as I am working at their competitor) and brought this:

A gift from the Wolf who does and will always think of me (I believe what he says, nothing else).
Though some evil minded person might say something about the choice of the series, but I know that he knows me and my taste - because it is eerily similar to his. Both unbelievably gore, yet, lovers of beauty and balance.

I opened the envelope while waiting for the bus after work and I smiled insanely my whole trip to Helsinki... He always does that. Touches me. And on the same time I am dreadfully happy that I have met him and kept him in my life spite of everything, and still I feel the sadness... because of not having that beauty all the time around me.

Sometimes I have the urge to call him my twin - I just happen to be 12 years younger than he is, but who cares about the details?

Anyway, off to clean the litter box and then some fun with Dexter.

What if I weren't myself?

I have probably wondered about this issue before, but it has been on my mind lately and a short chat with N. brought it so close to the surface that I can't stop thinking of it.

People often wonder why someone like me is single, I have heard that I am the ultimate woman (which is interesting knowing that he knew that I classify myself as a female androgyne - I believe what he said though and I know he meant it) and all that... I don't doubt a moment that they meant what they said. Which probably makes it even harder...

As I can't understand how someone who seems to be close to perfection (based on the peer feedback (I can list "few" flaws in myself very easily - I'm far from perfect)) in eyes of many just can't find what she's looking for - or when she finds it can't keep it.

Maybe it's the claimed perfection being too scary, maybe it's the claimed perfection which is so imperfect in me that I alienate even those I could love or who care for me.
It can't be the looks of me as I know that even I am not what is, acclaimedly, generally considered as hot I am it and much more... maybe it's the looks and intellect combo which intimidates people, but I can't change who I am - and I don't want to.
Maybe I am just too depraved to be actually be interesting even though I know that my level of kinkiness would keep most people entertained for the rest of their lives... that I am the dirty dream of most straight/bi/whatever men.

Thoughts have their own merry-go-round in my head and they make me dizzy. They also make me sad, because I can't find the answer to my questions, because things got blurrier the more I think of them.

Maybe there's nothing in wrong with me, maybe it is the world which is crazy. Maybe it's my karma or maybe I am just so absolutely impossible... I'd love to know what is in wrong with me or the Universe.

Unorganised tidbits

I have had few things on my mind for a while, but apparently I am still too exhausted to ponder or maybe I just want to be an airhead for a while.
And to be honest, what I would say I have said a thousand times, what I want is also what I don't want. Something needs to find its place, but I don't know what it is and where its place is.

Maybe I am just getting too much human contact during the days and it strains me... It would be understandable, it has been years since I was continuosly in contact with big group of people on daily basis.

Stitchy front

I have a bad case of modelstitchingitis and startitis at the same time, which is not good noticing that I have one RR to stitch and send out at 15th. Though, at least I have been stitching models, which hasn't happened in few days because I have got to bed quite early.
Last September I suffered from insomnia, now it's more like hypersomnia - that means that I do not have time to stitch as when I am at home I am most likely catching up emails/ forums, cooking dinner or sleeping...

The reason?

See the second paragraph of this entry, or that is what I think it is...

Which is actually quite odd as I really crave human contact, but the contact I need is so different from what I get on daily basis.
I don't need crowds around me as I can't take the strain. I would be completely contended with one person who gets me and loves me as I am.

Which makes it even odder is that I don't actually don't crave for a relationship, but I admittedly could use all its advantages. Therefore I apparently have to say what I have said quite few times: I need another FWB. (It's as difficult to find a good FWB as it is to find a good lover...)
Or something... Actually all I need is more time, less confrontations, find out is this asthma or what and have someone who shelters me when I am tired.

...Confrontations... that may also explain quite a bit as even though the group in the course is rather good there are moments when I get anxious of the fact that people don't want to see any other point of view than their own or think outside of their minimalistic box. Or that if they wish to do so they should let the rest choose do they want to share the same box, have their own or be box-free.
When you have free spirit and lousy defenses you suffer greatly in such situations.

Maybe I should stop this now, stitch a bit and bury myself under the cats after it... (By the way, have I mentioned that I simply love my futon?)

Round Happy Dance #34, stash and plans

But as it is a freebie for Periphaeria Designs' next launch I won't share a picture of it before 1st of September - and anyway it lacks finishing (which I'm intending to do during the evening, but noticing how zombified I have been today I'm not sure can I do it).

Stash!

I received the Blackwork Fruit Bellpull in the mail today and I have to say that it was really worth the about 11 euros I paid for it. I love it how it looks as a chart and the fact that the chart has big enough symbols to read without a magnifier - actually I could read it from other side of my bedroom without any problems *grin* - is a big plus.
I have been thinking that this design would probably look fabulous on black evenweave with golden (or metallic burgundy) blackwork. I know, that metallic part sounds insane, but it would look fabulous nevertheless.

And I can recommend doing business with Pam: she's very nice and answers to stupid questions of a new Etsy user patiently. And she ships fast. ^^

Career plans

One of the options I have came up with since the course started is an apprenticeship.
I would be a part-time student and I would study during my work hours (in sense of getting paid full wage for studying). From what I know I should be get the minimum wage, which is in this particular career ~1500 €/ month (and with some luck my employer could have some financial support from the government for my wage due my health and employement issues). After taxes and living expenses I would still have about 700 euros/ month (which is twice as much I have at the moment) for food, cats, clothes, stash and... I could finally pay my debts and therefore be debt free (and have almost three years worth of experience) when I'd get my degree. (I'd be approximately 32 when graduating and if I wish I could continue on higher level degree in the evenings.)

But, I have found out that I am afraid of commitment. It would take only three years, but I'm having all kinds of worst case scenarios... even though I know that this would be absolutely the best choice for me (I could study and live without working after the regular hours).
We will have a lecturer from local Apprenticeship Office in the end of September and I think I will have a little chat with her.
In the end I will grab this chance if I just can. (The issue is to find the work place.)

One Finnish poet has written along the lines there's nothing which makes you such a beast than lack of touch. I have always agreed with him, I still do.
I can live without love as long as there's no one intriguing enough, I can live without sex as long as I am not in love, but, no matter how hard I try I can't learn out of craving human touch.

And good FWBs are hard to come by... to be honest I would be happy with just a cuddling buddy, someone to sleep with, someone to watch movies with and lay my head on his lap... as that is what I miss more than anything else.
This makes me wonder how hard the last winter had been if I hadn't had N. around, if I could not have felt like home even couple of times per month, without being hold when I slept. Without having the chance to forget everything every once in a while...

I could use that chance again as, no matter how good thing this asthma may be for me in the end, I want to forget my failing health for a while, and I want to forget the loneliness of the skin. (It's odd how you can be alone and not be lonely, but your skin can't stand being alone...)
I just want few stolen moments to keep me sane.

Shrinkage

..of the better kind.

Since I quit Xyzal my weight has come down ten kilos (from the worst point) and I am now exactly from where I was after my weight loss stopped two years ago.
So, you could think that I would still be of the same size when it comes to clothes... I am not: my pant size has gone down over one size (not enough to be two sizes) since.
I don't do diets (my limited, forced diet is enough for me at the moment, thankyouverymuch) nor I don't exercise - excluding my walking obsession (or rather necessity: it saves money for new stash *grin*)... but for some reason I apparently burn some fat and transform it to muscles. Same goes to the effects of steroids (for asthma and allergy): many men would kill to get my biceps.
I have always had big biceps for a woman, even more for a woman who doesn't lift weights, but they have never been this well sculpted.
"Well", I thought, "as athletes use steroids to enhance their performance and grow their muscles, why don't I as these things apparently work well - and are completely legal and necessary in my case?"

My intention isn't to grow my muscles, but shape my lower body, burn some fat, have fun and keep my physical condition good as it's a necessity for a person with respiratory illness (less surprisingly being in good physical condition is beneficial to your health when you are not completely healthy).
Therefore, after I have paid my laptop (October is the first payment-free month), I will begin to save for... a cross trainer.

It's indoor sports, I have room for the elliptical in my living room, I can exercise when ever I want to, in long run it's cheap option, it saves time (I don't want to spend time commuting to the gym and back, I rather stitch *grin*) and I can walk/ run even if there's -30 °C outside.
It also allows me to use interval practises, which I love and which work very well with my system - because my muscles need some *real* challenge and because I am addicted to endorphine (who isn't?). I just need to figure out my blood sugar issue when having a rough exercise (that is why I stopped going to the gym...).

Somehow I do think that it is odd that my goal is not to lose any weight... not that I'd mind losing it, but I don't mind my current weight either - as when it comes to PCOs women there is The Right Weight and it may be surprisingly high (I know cases who are fertile only when their BMI is way over 30).