Truth to be told

... one of the reasons mentioned in my earlier entry has to do mr. X. and his belongings.

When I told him to leave I also told him to take ALL his belongings with him when he goes.
When we came home with Tiny there was still huge amount of his stuff with a note, after badmouthing me, that he'd arrange pick-up for his things by early 2013. (What I have wondered is that why he couldn't leave his things with a friend who lives in Finland as he let me understand on several occasions that he has a ton of friends in here... )
When we moved his stuff followed and I sent an allusive email. And as you guess didn't get a reply.

And then, in 2014, before the divorce went through I asked my lawyer what to do with them she replied that if I send him a final notice with a date and he fails to comply it's up to me what to do with them... Well, I sent mr. X an email and gave him approximately three weeks to arrange the pick-up.

Less surprisingly he did not reply, but during those three weeks I waited I was under quite a lot of stress because I did not want to deal with him and all his negativity.
I had made it easier for myself by timing it so that Tiny and I were here at my mom's during that three week period and had mr. X. picked up his stuff he had met my mother, no one else.

You see, court did not decide on meetings as my lawyer did not add them in the demands when she wrote the divorce application. There was a fine reason: he can't take me to court for breach of contract if he doesn't get to meet Tiny. There is no contract so if we can not agree about meetings, there won't be any.
Not that he has ever inclined that he would want to meet his son... and if he did I would demand supervised meetings (based on kidnapping risk, lack of shared language and lack of any kind of relationship between Tiny and mr. X.) and that is completely another animal as there is bureaucracy and translator expenses, for him, before those can be started.

Anyway, my point in that is that I was afraid that he demands to meet Tiny. And as I wouldn't have agreed (as we are not at home - and because what I told in previous chapter) there would have been all kinds of lovely words.... and I am sick and tired to that kind of stuff, from anyone.

So... now I have three suitcases, one bag and two big trash bags of stuff to get rid of...
I'll give his printer to a friend whose family lives on tight budget and most of the rest will be sold to anyone who is willing to pay anything.

And continue waiting for that email when he claims that I am whatever-I-happen-to-be-at-that-moment-of-anger. And hope that he keeps his mouth shut as I did tell him that I have checked proper action regarding his things with my lawyer....

Tiny thoughts in the middle of the night

It makes one wonder, when watching that beautiful little boy sleep, does his biofather (not a father, just biological father, if you ask from me) even understand what he lost by disowning Tiny?
Does he ever even think of that little boy he swore he won't meet before he comes of age?

Having been set free has made me think and remember a lot of things that happened when I left Mr. Ex II, the whys of doing that. I had almost forgot he disowned that precious little boy, even before I told him it's over.
And my simple mind simply can not understand and for someone who strives to understand that is a huge problem.

But then, I am the one who knows what a loving, funny and smart little boy Tiny is. And I know that sometimes Tiny smiles because I am his mother.
That's all one needs to know. Nothing more.

The D Word

Yes, that one. Also two words starting with letters F and C regarding Tiny.

I am free!

Progress

I got an email from my lawyer on Thursday saying that Spanish officials had informed court that they haven't been able to find mr. Ex.
This means court will make an announcement in our "Official Paper" for Ex to give his statement regarding the divorce, custody and child support within 14 days, after which it will be ruled regardless of his lack of action.

You know, they may give me an early birthday gift. I am not sure did the announcement make it on time to be published in April's first issue, but even if it didn't (then it's published in first May issue) I may be free woman with full custody in June.

I was thinking that I may be mean and not inform Ex about the divorce or child support or custody when it goes through... *grin* He'll find it out some day. And it may come as a negative surprise as Finnish SII can and will work to get their money from him as long as he stays in EU.

The Plan

At the moment I am in a limbo regarding my, our life. The divorce (incl. custody etc.) is still in progress, thanks to slowness of our Ministry of Foreign Affairs: it took nine months from them to find out ("find out") that Spanish legislation prevents getting any real information about Ex's whereabouts without court order - but regardless they have an address. Ages old address, but it's none of my business.
It probably is my problem as the letter local court sent in the end of January may be hanging in there quite a while, even though I assume the court assumes that if there is no reply within few months he is not interested/ didn't get the letter (-> is not interested).
So, with luck I'd get out of limbo this summer.

The problem lays in us, Ex and me, having shared custody in the eyes of the law, thanks to having a child in wedlock. And basically he has his word to say regarding Tiny's whereabouts.

And I am planning to move cities this year. And in theory he could oppose it if things don't go as wanted or if we are still waiting for the verdict.

But, our constitution provides every person freedom to decide where they live, and constitution has priority over family laws.
And then there's the fact that Ex has never met Tiny nor has shown any actual interest to do so (not to mention he has never even wished him happy birthday or asked how Tiny's doing). So, my, our, city of residence bears no significance to him.

But still he can make things difficult to us just out of spite if he wishes to do so.

Anyway... in August I will apply to University of Applied Sciences, a new job and an apartment in the same city where my mom lives. Uni would be 15 kilometers from us, but granny, Tiny's most favourite person on this Earth, would be only 3 kilometers from us (or closer, if I decide to apply for an apartment from that side of the river). Which would ease our lives greatly.
One of my great worries has been that time when Tiny goes to school and I start full-time work again. He will be seven years old, has short-ish school days and in worst case scenario he has to spend a lot of time alone. And I don't want that.
This is where having granny close by makes all the difference: she can pick him up from school and look after him before I get home.

Cost of living is also a factor. I have done some research and we would pay considerably smaller rent - and real estate is far cheaper in there than it is here in Metropolitan area.
In here I could never even dream to own my home, even less to own a house whereas in there I could actually buy a house and pay it in reasonably short period of time (in comparison to house loans in here). Which is more or less necessary as my pension won't be too good and having low cost of living would help.

I sound so middle aged. *grin*

Off to court we go

To my surprise Tiny's other parent replied to one of my emails last month. Being an annoying bitch I asked him to contact the embassy to sign the papers regarding Tiny's custody, allowance and meetings... he declined to sign (one of his amazing justifications for being an ass was that he has no official income and no Spanish court would make him to pay. Well, it's all the same what Spanish courts would do as it is Finnish law which is in action here...) and forced me to let that courteous role go and bring in the bitch that I am.

We are going to court. I am meeting my lawyer on Wednesday for the first time and will ask him/ her to try to petition the court to speed up the process for understandable reasons.

Such fun.

Yes, I am unconditional

Some time ago I was thinking could I ever, in that highly unlikely eventuality that pigs would fly, take Mr. To-Be-Ex back and realized that no I couldn't, never ever.
I can forgive a lot, but there is one thing I could never forgive: father willingly abandoning his own child.

I can never understand that, nor I can never respect that person again.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

The clock is ticking. I finally sent the divorce papers to court this morning. We should be able to pass the consideration period and get it sentenced without delay (unless they want to inform him, and that is another matter. Or rather another month or two) as we have never officially lived together.

Tick tock.

Today Tiny and I went to see a social worker to make custody arrangements. Or rather we pieced together a custody agreement suggestion (full custody, supervised meetings and so forth). It will be sent to Spain, to local embassy, and if Ministry of Foreign Affairs and the local embassy actually manage to find him they will do their best to get him to sign it.
If he doesn't accept it and sign it we go to court. If they can't find him we go to court. So basically the odds are that we go to court.

Luckily I can get free lawyer and free trial because I am on low income. Whereas Tiny's father can't... so, if he is smart, taking that he is found, he signs the paper. Otherwise it's court and I don't think he could afford a lawyer and even if he did... he could only try to make minor changes to meetings and so forth. And knowing local system his skin colour and nationality are against him, as is the fact that he has never seen Tiny. Or kept contact. Or supported Tiny financially. And that I have a proof where he states that he is not going to meet his son before he is an adult.

They'd eat him for breakfast.

Anyway, let's see does this take few months or few years.

I know I am an evil bitch, but I really hope Tiny's father does not respond to my latest email. Which I sent yesterday requesting his address and phone number (and I did send pics and tell how Tiny's doing).

If he doesn't reply to it he makes it so much easier for me to get the sole custody. As in addition to us living in different countries his inability to communicate would weight heavily against shared custody.

I hope that he keeps his word in this and doesn't want to keep any contact with us before Tiny's an adult. Because, as cruel as it is, it makes it easier for me and Tiny.

Once I Was Afraid/ I was Petrified

Last four months have taught me a lot. I have come to notice I am much stronger than I thought and that things I once considered as the end of the world aren't such.

I have come to realize how much I can love and how much there is room for denial in my little head. And that my inner self knows things before I do and prepares my subconscious for what is bound to come.

Last three weeks have been harder than one can imagine as I have been burning midnight oil trying to get stuff organized, even though it may not look like it at the moment.
But it has been good. I see in myself how much happier I am as people react to my happiness now. Not so long ago I was much more reserved because I "had" to be careful with people. And somewhere deep in me I was unhappy. For certain reasons.

And now I can smile and laugh with people without needing to worry. I can be myself. I can be good, happy mom to Tiny.

I CAN be happy.

Randomness

I love our (ante- and) postnatal nurse. Her opinion was that it's the best for the child that I have decided to balance our lives by leaving Tiny's father as it obviously was what was needed.
She also considers staying at home that legally allowed three years (i.e. I can still return to my old job, they can't sack me without an extremely good reason) as a good thing and not being irrational despite the fact that it will be tight financially.

And I want a cat. Now that Mr. Pets-Belong-To-Outdoors-And-Not-With-Humans-And-Cats-Are-Dangerous-To-Babies has left the building I can't help, but wanting a new cat... Masa is still alive and well, but he has his own herd now so I wouldn't even consider taking him back.
Fun thing is that due Mr. PBTOANWHACAD not being around since last October Tiny and I were at my mom's after Tiny was born (c-section and so on). And she had four cats (now there is three). But that is why Tiny is so healthy. I am surprised that my child has no allergies (that I know of) and he is rarely sick (he has had two minor colds), but it has to be all about those cats.
And young sir loves those cats to pieces. Admittedly cats don't always enjoy his love and excitement, but still... they are good pals.

At the moment I am waiting until Tiny gets older, but who knows...

Dreams...

are not called "dreams" for nothing.

Last night I had a dream where Tiny's dad actually wanted to meet his son and where he admitted that he misses me AND was willing to behave like every man should do: try to make amends, open up, talk and fix what is broken.

I woke up sad, because it was just a dream and because I know he is so stubborn that no matter what he won't admit that he misses me even if he does. Or that he misses his son.

To Be Afraid

To be afraid that you are damaged for life. That you have been damaged since the day of your conception.

To fear that everyone lies to you, that everyone keeps things from you. That those who matter, or would matter, have a secret life you are not aware of.
To fear that everyone just uses you like you have been used.

To be afraid that you are too demanding, that wanting 110% trust and openness is too much, too egoistic. Being afraid of voicing your demands just that people wouldn't think you are an impossible, demanding, egoistic bitch.

To fear that all your relationships are doomed to fail. That if you don't leave him, he will leave you.

To be afraid. To be paranoid.

To fear being broken again, of losing yourself because you love someone. To fear that when you love your love is not appreciated and cherished the way it should be.

To be afraid of having to cry alone, to sleep alone, to feel joy alone. Despite of being one of two.

To fear you are not accepted as you are, with all your flaws and quirks. Not to be loved as who you are, that your stupid jokes are not understood, that the things you love the most are considered stupid and unnecessary.

To be afraid of having to live behind facades again. When it should not be important how things look like, but how they really are. To have to hide your love, happiness and life from everyone else because the one you love has something to hide from you and from someone else.

To fear being controlled. Being watched. Being blamed for what you don't do and what he does.

To be afraid of repeating your mistakes over and over again. Never learning anything, being blind.

To fear loving as it overwhelms you and blurs your sensibility. Exposes you to hurt, sorrow, pain. Takes away healthy criticism and makes you blind to everything.

To be afraid of not being praised, of not being attractive. Or losing attractiveness.

To fear of hurting your child with your choices. To fear that you are ruining his life because of what you want and decide.

To be afraid of being too afraid.

It's really interesting how many oddities I have noticed in our relationship now...

He used to be very good with anniversary dates, this year he forgot our wedding anniversary, my birthday and our anniversary.

He used the marriage as an excuse, for example not to spend quality time on the sofa cuddling. "We are married!" Yeah, that has something to do with not touching each other?

I denied my sensuality and sexuality. Me. Depraved little thing started to live vanilla life 1-2 times a month. Who would have believed?

I can't remember him ever laughing at my jokes. Or actually even getting them for that matter.

I was a questionable cook because I like(d) to use other people's recipes! Oh yes. Cookbooks were the spawn of devil, or something.

Actually any my book was. "Too many of them!" Up yours.

Idiot.

Happiness is...

Tiny is playing with his toy arch, babbling and yelling to his toys and I can't but smile happily and giggle. And think how evil of a person it makes me that I have realized that I feel relieved that this is how it is: just me and him.

I probably shouldn't, taking how things are, but that is how I feel and nowadays no one is judging me when I say how I feel...

It won't be easy, but it'll be worth it.

When we were napping, Tiny and I, I had dream of tons of different cross stitch designs, which probably means that today, after Tiny has gone to bed, I'll better put some stitches on something.

It's nice and quiet here at home, with Boy sleeping and me sitting on the sofa... just the two of us

I have thought about everything lately and remembered all kinds of things that just make me more confident about my choice...

I am restless sleeper, which in his head meant that I watched his every move... yes, you read it right. Which basically means that he probably thinks that I need no sleep whatsoever.

I also heard that I watched everything he ate (yeah, right, like I, for example, was the one who always nagged about margarine usage - guess again - and hello, I bought that stuff. It costs 1 € per 400g...). Where should I have put my eyes? Close them?

For some reason my apartment gathers dust quickly, and as everyone knows dust is human skin and such... no, you are wrong! It was all me! Yes...

Goodness.

When I was pregnant I lost a ton of hair. Long hair. And he was like I willingly dropped it everywhere and didn't clean them out just out of spite. It was just an excuse to tell him that I am pregnant and that can happen, I can't help it.
Mister, there is your hair still in the apartment and yours is short. And I just sweep it without complaining. Because it happens to everyone, hair does fall off even when out of bathroom and without notice. Yes, hair has no manners. Shame on it.

I had to drag him to our first sonogram. I went alone to the next one as he had "forgot" when it was (we just got the appt. time 2½ months previous and I reminded him about it 1½ weeks before it was). And the one after that, and the one after that.

Day after my c- section he called and wondered why I hadn't picked up his calls.
I was sick because of morphine for the first day - threw up on midwives when trying to get up. And maybe I had a newborn baby there beside me... and I was in a room of four, not in private room as I was there without support person, so I kind of had to thought about the other new, operated, mothers and keep the phone silent... And for Pete's sake, I sent him a message as first thing I did when I got out of recovery room, three hours after surgery. I could barely hold the phone...
Good enough for you?
And I recall that someone didn't call when I was few days on the ward because I had pre-eclampsia.

My hypothyroidism and relapses were just excuses. "You can't be feeling X!"
Oh yes, I look and act like a zombie because I think it's REALLY hot. And hey, it's just terminal illness when untreated, nothing as serious as your blood pressure... no, no.
And it had been WAY too difficult to Google what it is all about...

He claims he hasn't disowned his son, still his words tell different language. If not disown then he willingly abandons his son. By the sound of it. Or maybe I have suddenly lost my ability to completely understand English.
Oh, of course! It's because I am a liar... how I forgot that? It's one of my lies, you see, that, he has ever said anything like it.

I can emphatise his situation, but obviously he can't do the same when it comes to me. I am a bad, bad person and by the sound of it go to Hell because of this. At least it is warm in there. (Thank G-d that deity I believe in isn't such an asshole.)

He also said that he had been prepared to this (did I say that he just wanted me to do the dirty job?! Did I?!)... and still he accuses me of all the usual stuff bitter people usually do at this point.
I always thought that he would be more mature than that. That he wouldn't let his son suffer because he is angry to me, but it seems to me that he will let his innocent son suffer because I am so evil.
One would imagine that any person in their right mind would understand that if he doesn't stay in contact with Boy he won't have a son who is too fond of his father when Boy comes of age.

I admit, I am not flawless and I did leave him in a very tacky way, but I always thought he would be man enough to behave regardless of the situation (for Pete's sake, even Dan was able to behave even I left him the same way). Apparently I was wrong... really wrong.

Funny thing? Because of the situation I seem to be able to stay at home until Boy is three, without working part-time, as Boy and I, we get 200 euros more every month now. And housing allowance. We seem to have almost 1000€ between us every month. After rent. (After I apply for housing allowance.)

One door closes...

This is one of my "None one knows except you guys" entries. The exception being my mom. So... keep your mouths shut elsewhere. It's not official yet. (Editorial note: since the divorce has gone through I made some of separation related entries public.

I have always said that I am marrying type, but I am beginning to think that I am not that type that stays married - despite her idealised wishes.

You probably see where this is going.

My camel broke its back and I have asked Husband to pack his bags. Something I though I'd never do, something I wasn't actively considering before his latest tirade, but never say never should obviously be my motto.

In certain sense this is not a surprising move, as, even no one knows, I did ponder about leaving just before I got pregnant with Boy as I was feeling that my needs weren't listened to and I was increasingly unhappy with my life. Then I found out I was expecting and all the happy pregnancy hormones started to do their magic.

I was alone since about 21st week of pregnancy, first for a reason, then for a reason unbeknownst to me. Even I asked he didn't tell it.
When Boy was about 2 months old I had a dream where he left for some insanely childish reason. I am known to have premonitions about my relationships, they foresee the fail. Still, I decided it was only a dream and that's it (and I couldn't have told Mr. W. (let him carry that name from now on) about it as he had said I was calling bad spirits and I shouldn't talk about things like that).

Then I tell you that I haven't seen him since mid-pregnancy. He hasn't met his son, Boy hasn't met his father. They were deemed to meet, but this evil woman prevented it.
Because of Mr. W.'s latest tirade.

He has this annoying habit of controlling me. It was sweet and all when we met and so on, but it had a nasty side effect: threats of leaving me right there and then when I missed his call(s). Sometimes I was accused of cheating, as he knew that part of my history.
And since Boy was born I have missed many calls because I have been with Boy (playing/ feeding/ changing/ all those things you do with babies) and my cell phone hasn't. Or we have been out and I haven't heard. Or we have been sleeping and my phone has been on silent - to let Boy to sleep. And even I explained and have told him that he was not my first priority anymore as there is a small baby who needs me more than he does. Still I was told that I have changed.

No shit Sherlock! I became a mother in March in case you missed that.

And for a long, long time I have felt there is no room for me when he was here. That I had to be somewhere playing as small and quiet as possible. And if I happened to glance his laptop's screen it was something dreadful.
I felt that it wasn't my home even it was and is. But if I tried to talk with him about it or anything else considering us or my wishes or feelings it ended up me feeling even worse and we never talked.

Not feeling comfortable at my own home also meant no stitching as I need a comfortable place for it.

There are thousand things... like always noticing and being nasty about it if I had gained a little weight, but never encouraging when I lost weight. Or telling that I was just basically lazy and hypocondriac when I tried to explain that my lack of doing stuff was all about my thyroid.

Things were piling up in my little head. Understandably. But love makes us blind.

Well, his last tirade was about me not picking up a phone or returning his call. "That call came from an anonymous number, how did you expect I know it was you?" And he knows that I never answer to anonymous numbers if I am not expecting a call from one. Because usually they are telesalesmen.
He got frantic and while at it denied his own son, in my eyes, and me, threatened with leaving for good and made me understand that it can't go on. Not anymore. Not with Boy around. That it had to stop.

I thought about it for two days and went through his words over and over again to find what I missed, that I was wrong. Never found it. And then I asked him to pack.

Understandably in his opinion I had misunderstood him grossly and was lying (ah, again. I am SUCH a liar, you know. If you listen to him.... and then he claims he never said so), but still he didn't make a single move to try to convince me otherwise, even I gave the opportunity to him on a silver platter... and I don't know a single person who hadn't even tried to change my mind had they been in that situation. Which does, in my sick mind at least, that he wasn't much opposed to leaving, he just wanted that I do the dirty job.

It is slowly sinking in that there is a big, dark forest of custody arguments and bureaucracy ahead of me, but at least I can ensure Boy balanced environment.

It's funny really... some time ago I found myself thinking that if I wasn't married and didn't want kids I would be completely happy without a relationship screwing up my life.
The problem lies in wanting kids. I still want more of them... but that's not this year's thing, no the following one's (Luckily I still have time). Now I'll concentrate on practical things and try to find Boy and me a bigger apartment and start life all over again.