Tidbits

I finally got stimulant medication in June last year and so much has changed since! 

I experienced silence for the first time in my life (I was 41, mind) when I took my first pill. The tornado that is my brain calmed down and all the sharks (Sharknado!) turned into little fishies whom I can easily catch and adore as long as I want to, and release them when I am done. In other words I can focus on a thought, think about it and release it when I am done with it.

What is even better is that I got back to University. And not just got in, my points were so high that I was literally among the best in the country applying to study BBA through admission exam. Last time, years before I was diagnosed and medicated, I barely got in to my alma mater that was, and is, much less popular. (Think of 2,95% of applicants versus 20% of applicants.) I did this while having a migraine and after not sleeping well due excitement.

And, to my surprise I have returned all my assignments on time! I can sit down and decide to study! I can study! My brain works (often)! And I don't need a week of rest after having to think. I feel like I can! And let me tell you... that is a new feeling to me. I have always known I am smart, I am not saying that, but I have always known that I can't perform to my level. And that does stuff to your self-esteem. Bad stuff. A lot of it.

I still have bad days as even the slightest changes can affect how the meds work. Gut is upset? Meds don't absorb, good luck with that. Menses? Low estrogen affects to how meds work. You don't feel like eating breakfast? You better do, and make no changes to it as your meds won't absorb correctly! 😁 It can be a challenge, but... even on a bad day my life is better than it was on a good day before I knew why I am so... unable.

Tiny got a nice new teacher and new meds in August, and he is striving in school and that makes me happy. He doesn't hate school anymore, but works to get as good grades as possible even I am not demanding As. I still remember that sad, hurting little boy he was before his diagnosis and it fills me with joy to see him so motivated and aware of his abilities.

And Wolfie is being as amazing and wonderful as ever. 💖 I am so blessed to have him as my partner. I have always felt blessed for having met someone so amazing, even when it hurt, and the volume of my gratitude is approximately the size of the Universe now that I have him again. 🥰

Confessions of a scatterbrain

Geez, it has been a LONG time. A lot has happened and still nothing has happened. 

Tiny still grows up every day. (Can you believe that he is NINE?) Wolfie loves me and tells me every day how amazing I am. 💓 And I was, finally, recently diagnosed with ADHD. 

Within one year both Tiny and I have got the diagnose. Now I have a kid who is more himself than he was, but now that I need to figure out how to explain to the world that he is not weird just because he functions a bit differently and needs stimulants to survive with school and life. And me... gosh. 

When I was diagnosed I reduced my coffee intake to prepare for the stimulant medication. Well, being 41, obese and having The Genes on both sides my BP was elevated. A lot. Part of it is stress as everything makes me overstimulated, starting from random sounds and going to trying to manage life with ADHD kid when your own ADHD has only gotten worse. Reducing my caffeine intake has had but negative effect on me. Coffee has literally been my legal, prescription free stimulant and without my normal dosage I am lost. It has been sucky 2,5 months. There is light at the end of the tunnel though. My BP is almost low enough now and it seems that my EKG was clear as no one has called me about it. Which means that when we get the numbers nudged a bit more I get my first trial! 🤩

Wolfie... oh my. I knew he was amazing from the moment we stumbled upon each other online back in 2006, but I never knew how amazing, how perfect he is, before we rekindled. I often tell him that even I had made him myself I hadn't been able to make him as perfect as he is. And even we have known for over 15 years I still gush about him like we had just met. We have decided it is our normal to be gushy and overly sweet and our intention is to be that disturbingly loving old couple one day. 😈

Oh Well (aka. All Is)

I said it out loud and world has not ended. And I want to yell from the rooftops to tell everyone how happy I am. Every day.

I never forgot mr. Wolf, I never got over him. After my father died and Wolfie expressed his condolences under my status I realised I could never get over him. That I still loved him like no one else. After so many years. If anything I loved him more.
That's not really a great standing to start a relationship with someone as I wanted to be honest. "You are great, but I can never love you like I love the man I can't have." is not exactly what you want to hear from a prospective partner, is it? And people were so utterly boring that being single took no effort.
I decided that if I ever get the chance I will tell him how much I still miss him.

2018 changed everything.

We started talking again. Daily. Every moment possible. Turned out he still loved me, too. We started talking about really serious stuff, like why we broke up. It was hard, but we talked. And talked. (Well, typed.) At one point we started talking about how our lives could be together. It just happened. We started dreaming. We started to plan meeting again. We became us.
Life has been throwing curveballs at us, but we still keep dreaming and believing. Because there is a reason why it never worked out with anyone else.

And even we are separated by a considerable amount of landmass and salt water it doesn't feel like it. Every time we talk I feel like I could touch him simply by moving my finger a bit. He's always there when I need him despite his busy life, time zones and those thousands of kilometers.

I have struck gold.

Little Crazy Thing Called "Love"

I had forgot how good it feels to hear every day that you are loved, that you are the most amazing thing ever. From someone you have loved, and missed, all these years.

I never knew how it feels when you can say literally anything and you are not judged (if I told him I killed someone he'd ask when he can come to visit me in jail), that you are still worthy and loved regardless how bad day you have or major issues you have. That everything that other people have despised in you is wonderful because it makes you who you are as "changing anything would probably break what is working perfectly".

And how wonderful it is to hear how amazingly beautiful you are when you know he knows you in and out, that you have actually met each other and he still thinks like that.

There's so much amazing in my life, all in one person.

Anti-compromise act: the fine print

There is a limit to compromises to remain faithful to yourself, but the question is how you know you have compromised too often?

There is no way to say that "X times is too many" as in a relationship based on love, understanding, respect and trust you should not have to question anything.
Even less you should be questioning is your partner worth of all the compromises or which one of you compromises more than the other. As it is not a competition, it's supposed to be all about love. All about wishing the best for the one you love, all about helping them and all about not being selfish.

And still you should remain selfish to stay honest to yourself, keep your vision clear to see when you are beginning to lose yourself or when you are being bossed around.

What about us silly folks you have raised up to help others, to walk that extra mile for people? We have been raised up to be emphathetic, but does it need to mean we keep losing ourselves? Or do we just choose the wrong people? Do wrong people just choose us?

In my case the question is how the heck I have ended ending two marriages if I am as good as I am told I am? Or is it just like 1st husband said after we broke up, that I am too kind and good and people will use me because of that?

Do I have the "Good Guy Syndrome"? Or am I, as said before, a half-broken thing?

Anti- compromise act

I've come to understand why some men I've met during my life have stated that they are sick of compromising.
Turns out that they weren't immature and selfish, or if they were I've become immature and selfish - which I don't really believe.

It just dawned to me that my problem, one of them, in relationships is my ability and willingness to compromise. Which is a good trait, but one should also be faithful to herself.

Which is something I've failed to do.

I've been unfaithful to myself by being the one who always compromises, understands, forgets without even the simplest "sorry dear", and the one who forgets herself in order to be a good partner.

And today I realized that somehow I've happily accepted things I didn't ever realize I had accepted, before now.
And somehow I didn't stand up when things that were completely normal things in a relationship were told being somehow wrong, or wicked as he so often judged things that weren't like he thought things should be.
I can emphatise as I think I know why he saw world as he does, and I feel sorry for him because he loses so much of life's beauty.

ETA (as my phone didn't want to edit):

But remember dearest me that if you are not accepted as you are, nor your habits or your likings then he is not worth it.
No matter how much you care for that person he is not worth it if he doesn't show that you are worth your weight in gold.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

To Be Afraid

To be afraid that you are damaged for life. That you have been damaged since the day of your conception.

To fear that everyone lies to you, that everyone keeps things from you. That those who matter, or would matter, have a secret life you are not aware of.
To fear that everyone just uses you like you have been used.

To be afraid that you are too demanding, that wanting 110% trust and openness is too much, too egoistic. Being afraid of voicing your demands just that people wouldn't think you are an impossible, demanding, egoistic bitch.

To fear that all your relationships are doomed to fail. That if you don't leave him, he will leave you.

To be afraid. To be paranoid.

To fear being broken again, of losing yourself because you love someone. To fear that when you love your love is not appreciated and cherished the way it should be.

To be afraid of having to cry alone, to sleep alone, to feel joy alone. Despite of being one of two.

To fear you are not accepted as you are, with all your flaws and quirks. Not to be loved as who you are, that your stupid jokes are not understood, that the things you love the most are considered stupid and unnecessary.

To be afraid of having to live behind facades again. When it should not be important how things look like, but how they really are. To have to hide your love, happiness and life from everyone else because the one you love has something to hide from you and from someone else.

To fear being controlled. Being watched. Being blamed for what you don't do and what he does.

To be afraid of repeating your mistakes over and over again. Never learning anything, being blind.

To fear loving as it overwhelms you and blurs your sensibility. Exposes you to hurt, sorrow, pain. Takes away healthy criticism and makes you blind to everything.

To be afraid of not being praised, of not being attractive. Or losing attractiveness.

To fear of hurting your child with your choices. To fear that you are ruining his life because of what you want and decide.

To be afraid of being too afraid.

One door closes...

This is one of my "None one knows except you guys" entries. The exception being my mom. So... keep your mouths shut elsewhere. It's not official yet. (Editorial note: since the divorce has gone through I made some of separation related entries public.

I have always said that I am marrying type, but I am beginning to think that I am not that type that stays married - despite her idealised wishes.

You probably see where this is going.

My camel broke its back and I have asked Husband to pack his bags. Something I though I'd never do, something I wasn't actively considering before his latest tirade, but never say never should obviously be my motto.

In certain sense this is not a surprising move, as, even no one knows, I did ponder about leaving just before I got pregnant with Boy as I was feeling that my needs weren't listened to and I was increasingly unhappy with my life. Then I found out I was expecting and all the happy pregnancy hormones started to do their magic.

I was alone since about 21st week of pregnancy, first for a reason, then for a reason unbeknownst to me. Even I asked he didn't tell it.
When Boy was about 2 months old I had a dream where he left for some insanely childish reason. I am known to have premonitions about my relationships, they foresee the fail. Still, I decided it was only a dream and that's it (and I couldn't have told Mr. W. (let him carry that name from now on) about it as he had said I was calling bad spirits and I shouldn't talk about things like that).

Then I tell you that I haven't seen him since mid-pregnancy. He hasn't met his son, Boy hasn't met his father. They were deemed to meet, but this evil woman prevented it.
Because of Mr. W.'s latest tirade.

He has this annoying habit of controlling me. It was sweet and all when we met and so on, but it had a nasty side effect: threats of leaving me right there and then when I missed his call(s). Sometimes I was accused of cheating, as he knew that part of my history.
And since Boy was born I have missed many calls because I have been with Boy (playing/ feeding/ changing/ all those things you do with babies) and my cell phone hasn't. Or we have been out and I haven't heard. Or we have been sleeping and my phone has been on silent - to let Boy to sleep. And even I explained and have told him that he was not my first priority anymore as there is a small baby who needs me more than he does. Still I was told that I have changed.

No shit Sherlock! I became a mother in March in case you missed that.

And for a long, long time I have felt there is no room for me when he was here. That I had to be somewhere playing as small and quiet as possible. And if I happened to glance his laptop's screen it was something dreadful.
I felt that it wasn't my home even it was and is. But if I tried to talk with him about it or anything else considering us or my wishes or feelings it ended up me feeling even worse and we never talked.

Not feeling comfortable at my own home also meant no stitching as I need a comfortable place for it.

There are thousand things... like always noticing and being nasty about it if I had gained a little weight, but never encouraging when I lost weight. Or telling that I was just basically lazy and hypocondriac when I tried to explain that my lack of doing stuff was all about my thyroid.

Things were piling up in my little head. Understandably. But love makes us blind.

Well, his last tirade was about me not picking up a phone or returning his call. "That call came from an anonymous number, how did you expect I know it was you?" And he knows that I never answer to anonymous numbers if I am not expecting a call from one. Because usually they are telesalesmen.
He got frantic and while at it denied his own son, in my eyes, and me, threatened with leaving for good and made me understand that it can't go on. Not anymore. Not with Boy around. That it had to stop.

I thought about it for two days and went through his words over and over again to find what I missed, that I was wrong. Never found it. And then I asked him to pack.

Understandably in his opinion I had misunderstood him grossly and was lying (ah, again. I am SUCH a liar, you know. If you listen to him.... and then he claims he never said so), but still he didn't make a single move to try to convince me otherwise, even I gave the opportunity to him on a silver platter... and I don't know a single person who hadn't even tried to change my mind had they been in that situation. Which does, in my sick mind at least, that he wasn't much opposed to leaving, he just wanted that I do the dirty job.

It is slowly sinking in that there is a big, dark forest of custody arguments and bureaucracy ahead of me, but at least I can ensure Boy balanced environment.

It's funny really... some time ago I found myself thinking that if I wasn't married and didn't want kids I would be completely happy without a relationship screwing up my life.
The problem lies in wanting kids. I still want more of them... but that's not this year's thing, no the following one's (Luckily I still have time). Now I'll concentrate on practical things and try to find Boy and me a bigger apartment and start life all over again.

Only good things

Surprising as it is - or maybe I just imagine that I have been companing quite a bit last year or so.

The most important good thing, is that today is/ was our 2nd anniversary as a couple!
Admittedly it is not surprising as for some reason it has always felt that we are us, period (if anyone undertands what I am trying to say).
But I have come to realise that I have really been found by a really great Man, much greater than I thought even I have always thought very highly of Him. (Admittedly He is sometimes somewhat frustrating, but no one is perfect, I guess.)

Secondly: recently I have come to see the light after years of darkness.
I would have never imagined that my life was so dark, muted, dull than I have now realised it was. And all just because one wise doctor gave me prescription for little white pills. Those little pills are like candles, they are bringing light to the ultimate darkness I used to call "life", and now I see how dark it was and still is.
But I know it is only getting better from now on and I know there will be more and more candles. Some day my life will be filled with light, even occasionally some candles become dimmer.

I don't know am I exorcising evil spirits as I am beginning to hope that my thyroid would just turn off completely as it would make life much easier in the end. Even though it would also mean that in case I do not have access to thyroxine I will fade away fast.
I just hate not being able to eat nectarines. I hate seeing my thyroid grow and shrink on daily basis. I hate those dim days because my thyroid has decided to take a day off causing the glass jar dose being too small.

Thirdly: I have finished (stitching and finishing wise) six (6) stiching smalls within last month!

I am soon beginning to think that the medication has had some kind of an effect on me!

Let Me Introduce You... Mrs. Wonderful!

Some of you already know it through Facebook, those of you who didn't know: Yes, you read it right! We are now officially Mr. and Mrs. Wonderful. ^^

It was a very small, but beautiful, ceremony last Friday, just the two of us, the registrar and two witnesses from the magistrate.

To the shock and awe of everyone who know me I took Husband's surname after my vows of *never* taking my husband's name... but my brain told differently.
We had discussed my surname when we got engaged and I was SO keeping my maiden name, until I noticed at work that I was continuously about >this< close to sign things with Husband's surname... and then, one day after coming home from work I told Him that it seems that I am taking His surname anyway (and it is much more convenient if we look at the bigger picture (and much more rare in here than my maiden name *grin*)).

This also leads to shocking revelation of us having been engaged to be married since 29th of March last year until last Friday, and I didn't tell you (ok, some of you did kind of knew)! Shame on me. *grin*

It's funny how I remember almost nothing about the ceremony itself, but am still aware that when the registrar asked Husband will He take me as His wedded wife He said most beautiful things ever - simple yes would have been extremely beautiful in that situation, but He took it further. I was all smiling yello, wobbling and smiling, and my answer was simply "Absolutely yes!".

Gosh, it was SO wonderful.

And for some reason it seems to me that getting married really improved our relationship in so many ways. Funny, but great - apparently there is better form of great and we just have gotten into it. Which I do not oppose at all, just keep wondering how sweet life can be sometimes.

Writer's Block: Marital license

 

Marrige licence does indeed have an expiration date, at least in my neck of woods (4 months), whereas marriage certificate doesn't. (I am aware that this is a tomato vs. tomato thing, but still... you know that I am pedantic when I feel like it.)

Taking that we are really talking of marriage certificate, that piece of paper you are given when getting married (opposed to the licence which, at least in here, is written after non-impediment check and (in non-dominational weddings) given to the registrar (or to the couple to be given to the registrar upon marrying) - without that piece of paper you are not able to marry) my personal opinion is: absolutely not.

Despite being divorced I do firmly believe that you get married for a lifetime and if my fiance would ever suggest periodic marriage contract I would frown and run away fast. (Though this is completely theoretic as we share views about marriage.)

It is possible that that kind of contracts are suitable or at least acceptable to some people I find even thought of such a setting too stressful for my person and degrading the institution of marriage.
As I see it periodic marriage contract is basically saying that divorce is always an option and that it is likely for the marriage to end. Why work for something you can end within X months anyway? What if you are just having a bad phase in your relationship when the renewal date is and you decide not to renew your marriage even it had all the makings for a happy, lifelong committment?

Marriage does take much more than just love and in my opinion periodic marriage would just base on the idea of love and nothing else. And the difficult thing here is that love fluctuates: there are days when you really don't have that loving feeling, but after a while you can be like two newlyweds. Love is a form of energy and sometimes its batteries needs to be recharged.

I could also say that I do not believe in divorce... I am not holier than thou, I have divorced and I have never been ashamed of that (even many people still find it odd that I am "this young" and already divorced - guess how it was when I was still 25 and recent divorcee *grin*), but when I got married (at the age of 19) I was in for if for a lifetime, but being young and stupid marrying another young and stupid who was unwilling to grow up and lacked consistency there eventually was no other option for me then. It was either that or dying young out of stress. And I wanted to give my possible children a good father, not one of those I had.

So, in case it wasn't clear: I do not think that there should be expiration or renewal date in your marriage certificate.

 

Once upon a time, approximately 47433600 seconds ago...

18 months ago I heard that soft, sensual voice and saw His Gorgeousness first time in person and couldn't believe that He really was here, that He really was here for little old me and meant business with everything He had said to me in His emails, texts and calls.

18 months ago we sat in the back seat of a taxi holding hands and smiling to each other, just because we were finally together.

Somehow it doesn't feel like 18 months. It feels like we had known much longer and it feels like it was last week. But the main thing, and what is most important, is that this feels good.

No, not just that... We, us, our relationship, feels better and better day by day.
(Of course no relationship is perfect because it consists of two imperfect persons, but I want to grow old and cranky with Him and tell stories to our grandkids about how it was back then when grandpa moved to Finland.)

And every day I try to remember to stop and thank G-d for listening my prayers and bringing this wonderful Man into my life. And every now and then I tell my Wonderful how blessed I am to be loved by Him.

Sometimes it really hits me how tremendously blessed I am and wonder what good I did to meet Mr. Wonderful. Whatever it was, I am deliriously happy for it.

Out of these 18 months we have been separated by a continent, or two, for over 12 months and still I haven't felt lonely for one second. I miss Him every second He is not here, but I am not alone, no matter where He is, as He is in my heart.
Admittedly I see Him everywhere, in little things, facial features of people, verbal expressions they use... all those little things remind me of Him, even they have nothing to do with Him - they just are similar, but still incomparable with His ways.

Some of you may wonder why I adress my Wonderful always with capital letter... I do it because I respect Him. There are men and then there is The Man, my Man. That capital letter defines Him and His importance to me.

I love Him. He loves me. He still calls me Angel. ^^

All is well in the world.

Writer's Block: Online relationship shopping

Ok, this is an old WB, so what?

 

 

Oh, this is just the question for me: within last 12 years I have met all my partners, and men I have had crush for, online (that makes one ex-husband (Dan), one FWB (N.), three significant (let's say Men I could have considered marrying (I actually proposed Sol back in 2005 - yes, I did. )) others (Abhi, Sol and Wolfie) and my dear common-law husband, Mr. Wonderful).

Unfortunately I can't say how it has changed the way people in general meet and form relationships, I can only tell my own experiences.

First of all it is much easier for me to talk to strangers online: I am dreadful at small talk with strangers and I actually don't like it much, even I am slowly getting better at chit-chat. It is also much easier to talk about serious issues because you get time to think what you say and how you react to what other person says to you - and I rather type than talk because I am much more eloquent in typing (and I tend to stutter occasionally when I talk).

All this typing talk also makes it possible to get to know people without knowing how they look like which enables better view of the person as whole when you see how they look.
I am also quite modest about my looks due my background (once an ugly ducking, always an ugly duckling - at least in some level) and the general beauty aspect in West, even I have been constantly told how stunning I am last years, and I rather let people know who I am, not how I look like.
Well, "of course" I use wrong tense here. Many things have changed as nowadays I really don't even want complete strangers to know how I look like or what I think of - excluding Facebook. *grin*

I would say that in certain level meeting online probably lessens the importance of looks, but being honest looks have been imporant issue for me for few years: looks tell something about person's health and lifestyle, and eyes are the mirror of the soul.

I remember when I got the first message, at that infamous dating site, from Mr. Wonderful: first thing I did, after reading His message, was to check His pictures and after that His written profile. (Truth to be told is that if I had read His profile without reading His message or seeing His gorgeousness I would probably have left His message unanswered - and life would be much different from what it is now.)
He was a good-looking man (He has since evolved to be Amazingly Gorgeous (with capital letters, yes)) and His message just made me write back - and here we are going strong, 18 ½ months after that day.

So, looks did matter, but wasn't the only thing. One of the major factors was that He was employed: I admit being nasty that way, but after Dan I simply couldn't consider man who doesn't have a job, as in my opinion man has to be The Man, not just a man, and be able to take care of his family. (Mr. Wonderful thinks the same and it pains Him not to be able to finance our little family at the moment (as He lost His job last year - which has had also positive effect in our lives though).)

In general man's financial status has never had much impact in my heart's ways: but oddly enough in post-Dan life the men in my life have been, how would I say it, financially well-to-do.

So, it is not one thing, or two things. Or one or two things which you don't agree upon. It is the bigger picture.
I found Man with intellect, good looks, strong values (even I don't agree with all of them I respect them), desire for getting married and having children, treating His Lady like the Queen and will to succeed in life. And the most amazing smile.

The thing is: eventually you are the only one who defines how finding someone works for you and what traits you emphasize in others, whether you do it on- or offline. You just need to know what you really want.

Writer's Block: A Rose by Any Other Name...aka. "Because I am tired, bored, tired and avoiding sleep

 

Story yes, interesting, I doubt.

 

Sonnenschein used to call me Snow Queen when we met - when I was still, erm, officially, happily, married.
But when I was thinking of my LJ user name it was taken so I twisted it a bit. This is why I'm something as girly as snowprincipessa. (There were thousands of reasons why I ended that marriage, but I have to admit that one of the things pushing me off of that cliff was Mr. S. - I think that I never told that to him. All the things you remember years later.)

 

If I were to choose my name now I think I would be highly inclined to consider Anyamene, just because I am huge name geek and love affects to my life deeply. Not to mention that meaning of name bears huge importance for me, and I like the sound of Anyamene.

 

(P.S. I haven't forgot, it's just insane week at work and my brains have turned to mush. Thank G-d I'm off coming Sunday...)

1993: Waiting

It will be a long day: later today we should know is He heading back home before Independence Day or will He stay stuck in Málaga for another X days/ weeks.

This is somehow familiar situation though: last year we didn't saw each other in five months (His long business trip, worldwide financial crisis etc.). But to be honest the situation is much different, after living together like husband and wife for months, sharing our daily lives and quirky habits - and just loving each other more because we have found out that we are both human.

It's funny what you miss when your loved one is away... Like watching all the silliest reality police shows in the middle of the night and Mr. Wonderful reminding that I should actually sleep a bit before waking up for work, caressing my neck to help me fall asleep... or doing the laundry, ironing his clothes just because I know how much he enjoys his clothes looking good - and because the heat from the iron releases his core scent from the fibers, something I just love.

Last year, when He was in the business trip, I slept with the pillows He had slept with on our first date (does week together count as one date or dates from first to seventh?) because it was the only way for me to get any sleep - when I came back from Málaga I didn't wash my shirts in days because they brought comfort in form of His scent.

At the moment I sleep only because I know I have to and only way to actually get anything close to "decent sleep" is to hear His voice.
I knew before He went to Spain that my sleep will be disturbed during His absence, as even when He is at home, but not within three metres from me (luckily it is a rather small flat) when I am sleeping, my sleep becomes erratic.
It's not enough to know He is at home, I need to hear and smell Him, feel His warmth.

He brings me comfort, joy, happiness, love and... health, all the things I have craved for so long. (On the day when our first child will born, G-d willing, He has given me everything, and more than, I could ask for.)

During those months we spent together before his current trip I was only sick once, for five days. (I got on sick leave right after He came here, but that was recurring illness (stubborn sinusitis) and I was already getting ill when He arrived.)

Since He traveled I have been sick... I don't even know how often, I guess it has been closer to one month altogether, maybe even more: I have lost count.

Interim

If you understand any Spanish, you will get my point.

"Eres mi medicina, mi antidoto y vitamina/ sin ti soy alma perdida y tus besos/ son mi adrenalina"

Continuing...

Those infamous "They" always say how love is good for you, and I have always agreed. I have also agreed with "Home is where the heart is", as my long-time readers (or those who have had the courage to read my blog through after finding it) know, for the longest time - well, 5½ years, but anyway (surprisingly, it was my blog's 5½th anniversary month before yesterday), but still all this surprises me.

And on the other hand it doesn't... I recall vividly that evening when we were sitting on the sofa, watching clips about Lagos (indeed, Lakes) and Abuja from YouTube (part of Him comes from/ is Nigeria(n) and he wanted to show me around - and we actually enjoy googling for pictures from various African cities, or rather He googles and shows me around as I have never been in Africa and He has been touring it for business and leisure. I dare to say that we both enjoy those little virtual tours (last one lasted for hours and we noticed before midnight that it might be good idea to actually make some dinner at some point as we were both seriously hungry - it just had been so enjoyable to "travel" around)) and all the sudden He just asks "If I move to Nigeria some day, will you follow me?"

I replied without hesitation: "Of course".

And why wouldn't I follow? Home is where the heart is and my home is where He is. These months apart have proved that to be more than true. (I am actually considering finding a reasonable priced Igbo study book from somewhere (read: Amazon)... Not just because the possible move, but for many, many reasons. It would be nice to be able to hold up even a basic conversation in Igbo when ever we visit His relatives there (they speak English, but I am talking about respect here) - and as you know, knowing the language helps to understand the culture and the people.)

But, it's about time for me to head to bed. I have to wake up at 6:30 and head to work. More later.

Today...

I am thankful to have such a level-headed Darling with ability to calm me down with just few words. Sometimes you get the hug you need even when you don't say you need one.

Myself, He, Must-Haves, new stash etc.

I was playing with my cell phone's camera today when on my way to work...

Not too bad noticing that it is edited with my cell phone's image editor.

An apartment is not a home without him

I took some stuff home yesterday (I have been at my mom's since Mr. Wonderful traveled: first watching cats and after she returned I just haven't had any days off i.e. no time to transfer all my stuff from A to B) and it really hit me how much I miss him. Everything at home reminds me of him and even all his things make me smile it hurts to miss him as much as I do - though on the positive side every day is one day closer to his return.
It will be difficult to be at home without him there: though I can avoid that quite well by working insanely and on 10th we head to our mother's cabin to celebrate our 90th - having some company will be good for me - and we won't return before 14th. Hopefully He is coming back around that time, finally (as it is taking longer than anticipated for him to get the documents etc., but August has been holiday season in Spain), as honestly speaking I feel lost without him by my side.

At least now I know that what I always say to him is true: he usually asks how my day has been when I come home from work and I reply "it's great now as I am at home with you". Now my days are incomplete as I can't kiss him when I come home, sleep with him or wake up beside him.

*sigh*

[Insert drool here]

I have a bad habit to check new additions at 1-2-3 Stitch! every now and then and I must say that the latest new additions are just so... on my wish list!

Check yourself:

• Southern Garden
• Christmas Sampler
• The Great Pumpkin COnspiracy
• Sleepy Hollow
• Counting Bats

 

When you come to think of it...

... I just realised that our "Three Dates Rule" was a bit different: on our third dates we became a common law couple.

Interesting thing, really.

(Our first date was that week in last August, second was when I went to Málaga and when we met for the third time Mr. Wonderful came here to stay.)

Let's see...

Year ago yesterday we met for the first time, in flesh that is, as we had been exchanging emails for one month and calling to each other (or rather he had been calling me most of the time) about the same time (he was gentleman and waited until I felt comfortable giving my number, which was, even I don't know does he know, one of the positive traits in him during the getting-to-know-you process - I am shy, even no one ever believes it). I remember how excited I got when I heard that he had booked the plane tickets to visit me (only about  1½ weeks after I sent my first, response, email to him) and how slowly time passed after that.

I still remember how handsome he looked when he walked out of the baggage claim (but honestly he has only got more handsome since, I don't know how he does it), how good he smelled when we hugged, what he wore (that sky blue T-shirt just looked so good on him) and how much I wanted to touch him when we were standing in the cafeteria line at the airport before heading to, then, my place. I still remember how beautiful his smile looked and how good it felt to sit next to him, holding his hand when we sat in the taxi on our way to my place.
Little did we know that year later we would already be living together, that we had lived as man and wife for five months already. (Little did we know that we wouldn't be spending our first anniversary together, but separated by Europe - which isn't that bad as we have modern tools of communication and he is coming back home as soon as he can.)

It has been a wonderful year with my Darling Wonderful and he is a real blessing in my life. And it makes me wonder how suitable nicknames you can invent for someone you have never met and whom you only have knew few days: as Mr. Wonderful is his first nickname (which has been followed by variations of Dear) and I still do call him that, for a reason - and my intention is to call him by that name for decades to come.

(AnneR., who knows. )

Interestingly enough I realised yesterday that last, and excluding this one, only, one year anniversary I have had with someone was almost ten years ago. So, even I am commitment kind of person I haven't had long relationships (though, what does it tell? Just that I don't stay in a relationship because I "have to", I stay because I want to and because it works.)

And I have become a firm believer of online dating sites: at least one of them worked, once - and that is enough for me (funnily enough it was one which allows freeriders to contact others, too).
Apparently what they say is true: you just need to kiss enough frogs to find your prince, in our case King.

Things to get (now I only need 72 hours for a day)!

Graphs by Barbara & Cheryl - these are mostly simply awesome and there is one design I have adored in fellow stitcher's gallery, but they didn't tell me the designer or the name of the design: Jacque's View (it looks ten times better stitched).

Now we just need to win the lottery - or Mr. Wonderful has to find a very well paid job.

Ok, I am just kidding. No matter what I will continue working until we have our first child (G-d willing, knowing my health issues (prayers regarding children are welcomed - if you believe in them)).

When it comes to spirituality...

It's interesting to notice the change in me: I have and am getting more spiritual (I wouldn't say religious as I am not member of any organized religion) since Mr. Wonderful came into my life. Or maybe it's just that despite the difference in our belief bases (basically the main difference is that he considers Jesus as Messiah whereas I don't) his love for G-d is contagious, or rather helps my hidden religious side to come out because the atmosphere is accepting.

Basically that difference isn't visible in our daily life as we both avoid pork, we both avoid blood, we don't use intoxicating substances in excess (actually I am becoming an absolutist with my current interest towards alcoholic beverages), we don't believe in birth control in committed relationship (yup, kids would be very welcomed ) etc..
The visible difference comes from our backgrounds: he comes from family where G-d was part of their daily life, I come from agnostic family and I was already in schoool when I realised that religions do exist.

He has really changed my life in so many ways, but then, I got what I was praying for:  a good man to share my life and have family with, and eventually, in July 2008, he sent me a message and the rest is history.

Do I sound sappy? Good, I feel like it.

I intended to share some lovely stash in this entry, but I guess I have to do it later as I should head to bed.