Tidbits

I finally got stimulant medication in June last year and so much has changed since! 

I experienced silence for the first time in my life (I was 41, mind) when I took my first pill. The tornado that is my brain calmed down and all the sharks (Sharknado!) turned into little fishies whom I can easily catch and adore as long as I want to, and release them when I am done. In other words I can focus on a thought, think about it and release it when I am done with it.

What is even better is that I got back to University. And not just got in, my points were so high that I was literally among the best in the country applying to study BBA through admission exam. Last time, years before I was diagnosed and medicated, I barely got in to my alma mater that was, and is, much less popular. (Think of 2,95% of applicants versus 20% of applicants.) I did this while having a migraine and after not sleeping well due excitement.

And, to my surprise I have returned all my assignments on time! I can sit down and decide to study! I can study! My brain works (often)! And I don't need a week of rest after having to think. I feel like I can! And let me tell you... that is a new feeling to me. I have always known I am smart, I am not saying that, but I have always known that I can't perform to my level. And that does stuff to your self-esteem. Bad stuff. A lot of it.

I still have bad days as even the slightest changes can affect how the meds work. Gut is upset? Meds don't absorb, good luck with that. Menses? Low estrogen affects to how meds work. You don't feel like eating breakfast? You better do, and make no changes to it as your meds won't absorb correctly! 😁 It can be a challenge, but... even on a bad day my life is better than it was on a good day before I knew why I am so... unable.

Tiny got a nice new teacher and new meds in August, and he is striving in school and that makes me happy. He doesn't hate school anymore, but works to get as good grades as possible even I am not demanding As. I still remember that sad, hurting little boy he was before his diagnosis and it fills me with joy to see him so motivated and aware of his abilities.

And Wolfie is being as amazing and wonderful as ever. 💖 I am so blessed to have him as my partner. I have always felt blessed for having met someone so amazing, even when it hurt, and the volume of my gratitude is approximately the size of the Universe now that I have him again. 🥰

Confessions of a scatterbrain

Geez, it has been a LONG time. A lot has happened and still nothing has happened. 

Tiny still grows up every day. (Can you believe that he is NINE?) Wolfie loves me and tells me every day how amazing I am. 💓 And I was, finally, recently diagnosed with ADHD. 

Within one year both Tiny and I have got the diagnose. Now I have a kid who is more himself than he was, but now that I need to figure out how to explain to the world that he is not weird just because he functions a bit differently and needs stimulants to survive with school and life. And me... gosh. 

When I was diagnosed I reduced my coffee intake to prepare for the stimulant medication. Well, being 41, obese and having The Genes on both sides my BP was elevated. A lot. Part of it is stress as everything makes me overstimulated, starting from random sounds and going to trying to manage life with ADHD kid when your own ADHD has only gotten worse. Reducing my caffeine intake has had but negative effect on me. Coffee has literally been my legal, prescription free stimulant and without my normal dosage I am lost. It has been sucky 2,5 months. There is light at the end of the tunnel though. My BP is almost low enough now and it seems that my EKG was clear as no one has called me about it. Which means that when we get the numbers nudged a bit more I get my first trial! 🤩

Wolfie... oh my. I knew he was amazing from the moment we stumbled upon each other online back in 2006, but I never knew how amazing, how perfect he is, before we rekindled. I often tell him that even I had made him myself I hadn't been able to make him as perfect as he is. And even we have known for over 15 years I still gush about him like we had just met. We have decided it is our normal to be gushy and overly sweet and our intention is to be that disturbingly loving old couple one day. 😈

Oh Well (aka. All Is)

I said it out loud and world has not ended. And I want to yell from the rooftops to tell everyone how happy I am. Every day.

I never forgot mr. Wolf, I never got over him. After my father died and Wolfie expressed his condolences under my status I realised I could never get over him. That I still loved him like no one else. After so many years. If anything I loved him more.
That's not really a great standing to start a relationship with someone as I wanted to be honest. "You are great, but I can never love you like I love the man I can't have." is not exactly what you want to hear from a prospective partner, is it? And people were so utterly boring that being single took no effort.
I decided that if I ever get the chance I will tell him how much I still miss him.

2018 changed everything.

We started talking again. Daily. Every moment possible. Turned out he still loved me, too. We started talking about really serious stuff, like why we broke up. It was hard, but we talked. And talked. (Well, typed.) At one point we started talking about how our lives could be together. It just happened. We started dreaming. We started to plan meeting again. We became us.
Life has been throwing curveballs at us, but we still keep dreaming and believing. Because there is a reason why it never worked out with anyone else.

And even we are separated by a considerable amount of landmass and salt water it doesn't feel like it. Every time we talk I feel like I could touch him simply by moving my finger a bit. He's always there when I need him despite his busy life, time zones and those thousands of kilometers.

I have struck gold.

Violently happy, again

For someone so sensible I have proven to be really superstitious lately. Last time I was yelling my feelings from the rooftops, now I feel like I should be doing it, but I'm afraid it would jinx things. Because he is as amazing as he was and I love him dearly, more every year passed, more every passing day. Every second, really.

To call him mine, again, is a dream come true.


Ladies and gentlemen, Wolfie is back!


Has been for a while, actually, and I, we, couldn't be happier. 😍
Ok, I lie. We could. But that isn't about us, it's about distance (he lives even farther away than he used to) and finances. Plane tickets from Far Away Country to here just require wad of cash neither of us currently has. But other than that, I'm one very happy camper. 😍

Long time, no see

I have thought about writing an entry for about bazillion times. But to no avail as life has been overwhelming and my head has been even greater mess than it usually is.

But I talked to Someone Very Dear about my blogging recently and he wondered why I have ceased to do it because I was good at it... Back in the day when we got acquainted. 12 years ago.

No, there's no Mr. Right Now.
Someone Very Dear to me is that missing piece of my soul, Mr. Wolf from aeons ago.
It's funny really. It has been years since last time and when we talk (well, type) it's like those years never existed. I never get that with people. Never. Time gets between me and my ability to act normally. Usually.

Which probably has something to do with the fact that I may have inattentive ADHD and it causes me to have problems with social interaction. among other things (like life). It's not official, but it would explain a lot (a WHOLE lot). and preliminary testing points heavily to that direction. It would also explain why Tiny has ADHD too (and vice versa). This is recent addition from this summer, but it was not a surprise to anyone who is in contact with him. And hopefully there will be medication trial this year as Tiny goes to preschool (today!) and needs to amp up his concentration.

Maybe I am back, who knows. Let's see.

Remember Alter Echo?

That thing I stitched in Bangkok?

I have been thinking about it for quite a while... Alter Echo and what I should do with it. I have decided that I will start it over as this version of it has too heavy baggage. I just couldn't finish this version and hang it on my wall as it would always remind me of those days after my world crumbled

Alter Echo v.2.0a has, most likely, changed colour scheme, either a bit or a lot, haven't decided yet. And most likely I'll change the fabric too, or at least dye the current one after I have done some serious frogging.

Actually I have been thinking of using various colours for this. Maybe some pretty GASTs and left-over what-evers and then tea dye the fabby... though I think I want 40 count for this, and then tea, or coffee, dye the fabby to give it that aged look. Maybe even soak the floss in beverage-of-my-choice to give it some patina...

Writer's Block: Bitter aftertaste

 

Basically I have never gave a damn when it came to roommate's or friend's musical preferences - though admittedly I do not think too highly of a person who listens solely of one artist or genre. Being a person with very varying musical taste I find it disturbing that there is someone who can be so limited, strict or just plain boring.

When it comes to love music has played a big part and it has usually been unifying factor (excluding Dan's love for Mozart, whereas I can not stand most of Mozart as it shuts my brain): without my love for music I had never ever met or got to know Sonnenschein or Wolfie (in Wolfie's case this is more than true).

Though we have never discussed much about music with Mr. Wonderful we seem to share at least some preferences (soul, jazz etc.) and the differences we have haven't been an issue.

I have also found several music styles I love because of love. Had I ever learned about Indian, Brazilian, Thai or Nigerian modern music without the persons who matter the most, I can not say, just assume that I hadn't.

But detract? I would love to say that am too stubborn to that, but I have to say that in a way it happened back in past as I want to please the person I love too much and thought that suppressing my own personality to support the one I loved was a good idea. Well, it wasn't and I learned my lesson: music is a big part of who I am and one should be able to enjoy the music one loves.

Bits and pieces

1.

I am still alive. Just tired, or bored, or have nothing much to say. Or just plain sick. (I am not going to get started, but: sinusitis and bronchitis, simultaneously... during pre-asthma life I never had sinusitis and only had had one bronchitis within my life... ah well.)

2.

I have recently realised that I have never stayed in one job as long as I have been in this one - truth to be told, I haven't been working much for various reasons.

3.

I happened to catch Wolfie online the other day and I have to say that certain things tend to amaze me: like the things I learn about him regarding me - or rather confirm. Which as such does not actually surprise me, but it's freaky to be right all the time. If I weren't me I would be afraid of myself.

The relativity of time

I was reading my old entries and realised something:

1. Exactly three years ago I was with A. (it was Friday, so I probably was at his place).
2. Exactly two years ago I was still with Sol.
3. Exactly 1½ years ago I was madly and happily in love with Wolfinho.
4. Exactly one year ago I spent time with N. (Sunday and I know that I was at his place.)

Those two years feel like forever. And in some twisted way I miss them all, some more than others, some with more devotion than others...

• I miss A. for those little things he did, even though he was too weak to stand against his family for the love he had for me.
• In some weird way I miss Sonnenschein, even he was too weak to be happy.
• I miss Wolfie for those months of pure happiness, for the feeling of being understood.
• I miss N. for all the good times we had, for all the nights we slept entwined.

I am just curious to know what next 365 days will bring.

Boo.

Need a new look for your desktop? Click.

In general I haven't vanished from the face of the Earth, I was just rather tired yesterday after my first day. It was not the strain from the actual work, but the fact that I had only slept about 2½ h on the previous night...
But spite of that and the fact that I have been on the go since 7:30 (when I left from home) to 20:30 (when I got back from Hebrew class) I am not tired at all. O_o (Which is VERY unlike me.)

Though, I have a great reason to stay awake late, spite of my plan to get to bed early: FedEx guy visited my work place today (which was kind of funny as I am working at their competitor) and brought this:

A gift from the Wolf who does and will always think of me (I believe what he says, nothing else).
Though some evil minded person might say something about the choice of the series, but I know that he knows me and my taste - because it is eerily similar to his. Both unbelievably gore, yet, lovers of beauty and balance.

I opened the envelope while waiting for the bus after work and I smiled insanely my whole trip to Helsinki... He always does that. Touches me. And on the same time I am dreadfully happy that I have met him and kept him in my life spite of everything, and still I feel the sadness... because of not having that beauty all the time around me.

Sometimes I have the urge to call him my twin - I just happen to be 12 years younger than he is, but who cares about the details?

Anyway, off to clean the litter box and then some fun with Dexter.

We are both running...

Time and I. Tuesday I was afoot most of my waking hours - surprisingly Hebrew lessons were very easy after running around Helsinki whole day (maybe it was the half an hour stitching session I had in the hallway while waiting the class to begin) and today I got exhausted enough because I had an interview for a possible "work experiment" place (for a big(ish) international company - it would look so good in my CV).
And as I was exhausted from yesterday I am exhausted today and still I have had to clean the kitchen... and I still should make lunch for tomorrow... Gah!

But, what makes this day worth living are the SMSes I got... Wolfie, being the sweetheart he is, sent me some new things to watch while stitching. ^^ (It's impossible not to like love that man.)

Bad things... and good ones

As it goes, one reason to worry is never enough... I noticed in the morning that Ronja's left ear is not erect as it should be and took closer look at it: her ear lobe is swollen due infection caused by a scratch.
Next thing to do was to call my mother could she afford to loan me some to get Her Highness to the vet. Right after that I called the vet, and they advised that if I just can do it myself it probably heals with Betadine treatment.
So, off to pharmacy I went and now I am hoping for the best... As Ronja is a cat who has been bitten by a rat (pet rat though), actually said rat bite piece off from her ear (now that taught her to stay away from their cage ), with no further problems is all the sudden so fragile that minor scratch causes inflammation.

And then there's Neko who is old and stiff and spends his days by mostly sleeping... Even Seiichi seems to be slightly worried about his little brother.

FedEx
They actually made it five hours before estimated delivery time. And... loads of House, M.D.!

It may be good for Mr. Wonderful that he is on the other side of this globe, otherwise I'd have probably squeezed him to bits. (You see, I love mr. House - for many reasons, sentimental value added.)

More goodies

I was the winner of Mystery Blogger Challenge at The Robin's Nest and the prize was waiting for me in my mail box today (accompanied with Leslie's RR - her fabric is beautiful, it will be joy to stitch on)... Ready, set, drool!

I don't usually win anything so it makes this even better!

About Wolves and Demons

I saw my kindred soul online earlier today (actually yesterday) and initiated chat with him. It was first time in ages, but it felt like it had been yesterday when we met last time (15th of July, 2006 ~21:20).
We had a chance to say many things we haven't said, and admit few things we both still carry with us (after admitting it to him I can admit it openly: I still think of him, often, and he "returns" the favour). I dare to say that we both still love each other, and will always love. Sometimes kindred souls just can't be together because they are too alike.

I have been thinking about it since I came back from Bangkok and today I found words for it. The reason why we could not be is that we are parts of one soul which has been divided, and because of that we are, as Finns put it, like shirt and butt. We think same things on the same time, we get what other one means from half a word, and we adore each other... because we are so alike. Because we see, despite the difference of age/ origin/ sex/ history/etc. which should make us so different ([redneck] European woman in her twenties and Southern American man in his very late thirties can't possibly have anything else in common but sex... [/redneck]), ourselves in other. Because in each other we have someone who understands and does not judge.
Being so alike has probably been the reason why we fell in love (anyone remember this?). Our souls found their half and they wanted to stay, but this soul of ours consists of two alike power fields and in core level they can't be together. Or, to put it how it is, they can love each other only from distance.

That is the curse of some kindred souls. That is also our blessing in certain way.

Then, to the fatalist view: we met because we had to.
The thing is that I had just got over a breakdown after Sol dumped me in not-so-very-brave manner and W. had been broken by someone he had loved. (Something I can never understand: how someone dares to hurt someone so kind? Though, that may be the reason...)
As I have say he changed me to better way, he changed my viewpoints to certain things or broadened them. And Wolf... well, it took Hellfire, one Demon and couple of months of Demon's fiery love to get him back to the land of the living. To unfroze him, as he put it.
We met because we had to melt each other. To show each others that there is still hope in human kind. (You may have noticed that I don't call myself a misanthrope anymore?)

This connection between us will probably be threat to many, and it may cause problems whenever either of us finds a relationship. It takes a strong person to accept that two lovers can evolve to be friends who still love, adore and respect each other deeply.

On related, but slightly lighter note: I also heard that I am living proof of that beauty and intellect can appear simultaneously in one person. Though, it also makes me a paradox, I heard.
Nevertheless I can't help, but smile to that. We have to remember that he lived with me a month and he has seen more of me than most people will ever see... He also saw that person I was last year. If you ask from me I have matured to better since...

 

It was a good evening.

P.S. It seems to me that my Portuguese lessons may actually continue some day (beware, I will be fluent in Brazilian Portuguese any day now *grin*).

What bothers me most...

...in this dating game is the fact that I am just another pretty face. No matter who I really am, no matter what kind of personality I have or how intelligent I am only thing which seems to be important in me is the way I look.

Sometimes it's a burden to have a cute face. This is one of those phases.
And moments like this make me really miss certain someone. Someone I met 364 days (364 days, 15 hours - and they say I have odd memory?) ago, someone whom I "lost" almost nine months ago... I miss him because he loved me for the right reasons, because he saw my worth... because he still seems to think that I am someone wonderful... (Admittedly that is bittersweet... we don't hate each other, but respect, and in some odd way even adore...)

I know, good things etc. come when their time is, but I can't help feeling sad because of people are what they are - or that my personality type is so rare (2%< of whole population) that only few understand it... nor love me because of it.
Sometimes I think have I already used my quota for this life...

As I have said, one of the reasons why I'd love to find one of those precious jewels is that I need a muse. In addition to muse I need a critic, supporter (mentally)... and someone who smiles at me when I wake up just because I am best thing in his life... *deep sigh*

To dream, to sleep - to be healthy...

I've been wondering quite some time why I still have frequent dreams of Wolfie... they are not bad or sad dreams, but he's only person who frequents in my dreams so I find it rather curious. Or maybe it really takes this long for my mind to process myself over him. Who knows.

It also seems that that cortisone treatment had some effect on my moods, as now, when I'm on the lowest dose (last pill is waiting...) I'm actually getting to more hopeful mood, and my rhythm seemed to get back to normal in one day (woke up yesterday after 3PM, get back to bed after 9 PM, woke up ~2:30 AM).
And my ovaries haven't been hurting at all.

So, I am one (relatively) happy camper again, though one thing bothers me... I designed this gorgeous biscornu in my dreams and I can't remember how it looked like!

Allergy

My dermatologist called day before yesterday, and he booked some more tests for me. That means that little /me goes to condom shopping when she gets the appointment scheduled - as I have got symptoms from latex condoms, and as my previous tests didn't gave positive for latex allergy this is the next thing to do... it's possible that I'll get another round of epicutane. (Fun!..)

May this be the last entry for 2006

Is there a better way to end a year than have a chat with the one who defines the whole year? Yes, mr. Wolf IMed me.

Wolfinho has this interesting quality: no matter what, he does make me smile. Always.

Replying to that PM of his in March was one of the best decisions I have ever done. Thank you Wolf for being you.

The Persistence of Memory

Once again I remember why I ceased to listen any music in last autumn. Because it hurt so much, everything reminded me of someone I knew I'd never have in my life for real, even I had to live in hope out of love for him.

Alegría is not a sad song, but it brings tears to my eyes. It reminds me of the happiness I (/we) had (not so long ago), it reminds me everything I (/we) lost. It reminds me of love I was able to feel, an the courage it gave me.
And I can't get one sentence out of my mind: "When will my dear Princess cry her cute eyes out because of me?"

On a less teary note: I was actually thinking connection between music and memories last night when I was listening Pain Of Salvation.
Second Love is song which connects to two different individuals in my personal history. Sonnenschein introduced that song to me, and Wolfie... well, listens PoS too.
I've always loved that song because of its melancholy, because of the lost love and the pain it brings.

Lost love has always attracted me, maybe that is why I seem to be unable to have steady relationship with anyone. Maybe my unconscious self is driven by melancholy and sorrow, maybe I'm not meant for lasting happiness.
It might explain my love for black, it might explain my attraction towards horror and darker side of human mind. I get my satisfaction from there where it feels like home...

But I digress...

Every time I hear Undertow I have the same image in my mind... His phone waking him up in the morning with that tune. It's sunny outside, I lay on my (right) side, wrapped in blanket and I see that phone (orange and white) on the chest of drawers. I even remember the scent of that room...

Love is frail, but memories are persistent. And sometimes memories give you strength, sometimes they make you want to bury yourself under blankets and never come out.
Actually I'd like to bury myself in someone's arms at the moment and just be there. But it's just me and cats - and the music. Some day I can listen this song with smile on my face, but that day is not this one.

On singledom; My life in Blindostania

Someone very dear* once said to me, when I told him that sometimes I'd like to be less intelligent just to feel normal, that I really shouldn't think like that because it's bit like complaining about being the one who's able to see in the land of blind.
Taken that I am the one who's able too see we could continue with those metaphors...

When you are the one who's able to see and you live in Blindostania, when you interact with locals and try to tell them how beautiful sunset is they won't understand you. They have never seen it and won't see it even it's in front of them daily, because they don't have ability to see.
So, one who's able to see is very, very alone in good ole Blindostania. Sometimes one even may have feeling of not talking same language as others do.
Every time when she tells about what she sees around her one of the blind ones will say that she's bitch because she talks about things ones can't see and/or which they can't understand - and which can't exist for that specific reason.

That is how I feel.
And even I know that world is full of those who can see I also know how much luck you need to be able to find one of them, and how much luck you need to find that one of them who actually enjoys your company and your ways. And when/if you find someone with whom even chemistry works and you've similar dreams... you've hit the jackpot - it's too bad that some of us are unlucky in draws.

---

* I'm quite sure he'll be dear to me 'til the end of my days. (Love, got to love it as when it moves in it never moves out.)

Half-broken things, part II

I've had air pressure and sleep deprivation induced migraine today, and even I have done nothing to prove my existence (blogging doesn't count) my brains have processed information and experiences.

While I was putting my make-up on before going to grocery I glanced at the mirror and realised something... every time something hurts me I get more beautiful, in my own eyes if not anyone else's (though it seems to me that it works for general public too). It seems to me that I'll begin to bloom after my thirtieth birthday, and I'll age beautifully (good genes, thanks mom).
And what made me realise all that was that when I looked at myself I found myself beautiful even with those huge bags I've under my eyes at the moment. I looked older than I am, older than I look when I'm well rested, and still I liked what I saw.

Previous Eureka! came to me in Bangkok, during phase it maybe "shouldn't" have. Few days after that day I stood in front of bedroom mirror while adding moisturizer on my skin, saw myself from the mirror and saw myself in completely new light.
I've liked my body for years, but at that moment I realised that I really love every inch of it, every gram of it. And that I really have good body, no matter what general aspect of beauty is.
Though I still have to admit that there are few who have helped me to see myself as I am, as I see myself now, and I'm thankful for them. It has not been easy and it's not easy to be BBW in this world, or at least in Western world. (Fact: I never felt big in Bangkok even according to stereotypes I should have... I fit in.)

They call it...

FWB (Friend(s) With Benefits).

I admit it (again), I am not ready to have a relationship. I'm an emotional wreck (as there really is something broken in me, I need to find out what, when it broke and how to fix it) and I need to give time for myself. I need to find a focus for my life. I need to give some time for my soul to heal.
But, I am also a physical being with needs and that is when FWB marches in. Most who know me would never believe that I'd get into FWB, but it has happened before, and apparently it happens when there's (hidden) need for it and suitable (read: tempting) counterpart.

Joys of adulthood: as long as it's legal it's really up to you what you do with your life. And it seems to me that I've decided to sit on two chairs at the same time even it is something I don't usually do.
Honestly speaking, I like the idea, now. What I think about it tomorrow is different story, but... regret is not my thing.

Btw

It has been week of surprises, and they keep on coming: Wolfie IMed me today. (Though he still has connection problems so it was just a little while.) It made me smile as I realised I fell for him for all the right reasons. And the thought itself healed something in me.

Dreams, offline life and random thoughts

Couple of nights I've seen dreams in which I'm in Bangkok, but leaving from there. And last night I made it to the plane. It was a close call, but I made it.
I think my mind is saying something to me, I think it's really letting go.

Watched Lion King last night while stitching (telly is finally in the bedroom so I can sit on my bed, watch old videos (picture quality is dreadful after you get used to DVD quality) and stitch - with cats, of course), and old monkey said something to Simba which caught my ear... "Past hurts, but it's up to you do you end up learning from it or forgetting it" (very faintly based on memory, it may not be correct (it's translated from Finnish anyway), but that was the idea in it).

ISP

Gave another angry call to my ISP, waiting the customer service guy to call me back. I'm in the phase where I'd like to whack someone, not because of not having 'net, but because they try to claim that they have piles of things to do and it may delay preparing... It's summer, for crying out loud! And they have never had any difficulties to fix what ever has been broken in hours or few days. This is first black out of over a week.

Something I thought about last night

It's kind of somber thought, but yesterday, while watching movies and stitching I had this haunting thought... I begun to think how I was after Sol and how I am after Wolfie...
Difference being that after Sol I was practically dead emotionally and physically for months. I had no need to be close to anyone, had no need to be touched, had no need for intimacy... before I met Wolfie. And after him I seem to be more alive than I've bee in ages. I miss being touched, intimacy... I miss the whole scale of it.

They say love can break you, it can. They also say that love can heal you, I agree.
But I also say that it scars you always, no matter what, and sometimes I wonder what's the point.