Time makes the memories golden

Or then I really am too good for my own good.
I had a chat with N. yesterday and the in fact, thinking of it I wouldn't change anything in you bothers me as it means that I am plain scary.
Even it is nice to know that he thinks that highly of me I find it a bit paradoxic.

Though, I have noticed that my way to try to actually get, relationship wise, attached to the people I find imperfectly perfect isn't a common one and I would like to know why it is so.

Things I learnt today:

1. How deceitful first impressions can be. The worst kind of them is when you think that someone seems to be reasonable and intelligent, but then they say something which makes you feel like they had vomited in your mind... I rarely get that feeling, but when ever I do it is lasting - and I hate it.
2. I spent some time reading my old blog entries and I seemed to be much more content, much happier last year around this time when N. was still around. I find it troubling. (I think I miss him.)

The relativity of time

I was reading my old entries and realised something:

1. Exactly three years ago I was with A. (it was Friday, so I probably was at his place).
2. Exactly two years ago I was still with Sol.
3. Exactly 1½ years ago I was madly and happily in love with Wolfinho.
4. Exactly one year ago I spent time with N. (Sunday and I know that I was at his place.)

Those two years feel like forever. And in some twisted way I miss them all, some more than others, some with more devotion than others...

• I miss A. for those little things he did, even though he was too weak to stand against his family for the love he had for me.
• In some weird way I miss Sonnenschein, even he was too weak to be happy.
• I miss Wolfie for those months of pure happiness, for the feeling of being understood.
• I miss N. for all the good times we had, for all the nights we slept entwined.

I am just curious to know what next 365 days will bring.

N.

That man really confuses me. And what makes me even more confused is that in a way I like the way he confuses me... But then, one of the reasons why I enjoy him (that's best way to express it, I think) is that he makes me think.

Sometimes life is so very odd.

One Finnish poet has written along the lines there's nothing which makes you such a beast than lack of touch. I have always agreed with him, I still do.
I can live without love as long as there's no one intriguing enough, I can live without sex as long as I am not in love, but, no matter how hard I try I can't learn out of craving human touch.

And good FWBs are hard to come by... to be honest I would be happy with just a cuddling buddy, someone to sleep with, someone to watch movies with and lay my head on his lap... as that is what I miss more than anything else.
This makes me wonder how hard the last winter had been if I hadn't had N. around, if I could not have felt like home even couple of times per month, without being hold when I slept. Without having the chance to forget everything every once in a while...

I could use that chance again as, no matter how good thing this asthma may be for me in the end, I want to forget my failing health for a while, and I want to forget the loneliness of the skin. (It's odd how you can be alone and not be lonely, but your skin can't stand being alone...)
I just want few stolen moments to keep me sane.

Biscornu high, life low

Let me tell you... the biscornu I'm stitching for TRN's Biscornu Exchange is going to be a real babe.
Stitched with luscious burgundy DMC on wonderful hand-dyed Belfast linen from Silkweaver, design being one of my latest brain blurbs (exchanges are wonderful way to combine models and having fun)... all this equals The Biscornu.

Anyway

I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep after this rather sh*tty day, and I remembered something I said in autumn: "coming winter will be hard one".
It is, it has been, and it'll be. And I see things happening, things which happened last year at the same time... that makes me hopeless at present, it gives me hope for better in spring, that makes me be afraid of the summer. (And still, if I could be loved like that... I might do it just for the sake of it.)
I also realised how good it was for me to have N. around, and I miss having someone like him in my life. I miss being hold when I fall asleep, being adored, having someone around, even if it was only few days per month, even if it wasn't a relationship.

But FWBs are like relationships, good ones are difficult to come by. And even I can see the good sides in being single I have moments when I hate and despise it more than anything... moments when I really doubt that I'm asking Moon from the sky.

Life, silly thing

In our series Signs of an addiction: I found it bit silly to sit in a taxi in the middle of the night, on my way to N's, and realise how much alike hand-dyed fabric sky looks like. I seriously need a life.
I need it in more than just one sense. I've knew that N. will move (out of the country) in coming month, but now when he has the date it got so much more real. And it affected to our latest meeting in some level. There was scent of goodbye in the air.
It's possible that I wouldn't have believed this some time ago, but I've really got fond of him. It's not just the weekly endorphin kick, it's about the fact that (no matter how much fun we can have in other areas) he's great conversationalist and he has good head on his shoulders.
It's sad, but such people are rare breed.

I was bad, bad person today.
No, I didn't stole neighbour's car or nail their front door shut... Sick, ole /me met N., for the first time in three weeks (two weekends) and I'm, once again, glad that I defied this bug of mine. I had great time, as usual (it seems to be more of a rule than exception with him). Intelligent conversation, dinner and *ermh* other activities.... I actually forgot my pains for few hours.

Now the pain is back, and in nasty mood... but it was worth it.

I think I'll drown myself into that ice cream I've in my fridge. It should help...

While walking in rain (to grocery) today I thought of things, as usual. And I realised something which took certain odd feeling off from my shoulders/ soul /heart/ what-ever.
This is first autumn in 9 years when I'm single. And that odd feeling of missing someone or something is familiar to me from my late teens.

Honestly, my personal life is actually quite good at this moment. N. provides me physical and mental gratification, and in certain sense emotional, as I do like him (and he likes me, I know it), but there's not that loving feeling - and there's not supposed to be one, we being just FWBs to each other.
And... I miss being loved. Maybe I'm a love junkie, noticing that June was not that long ago. Maybe it's my teflon coating. Maybe I don't know what love is. Maybe I really am an addict. I don't know.

I think the difference lays between friendship and companionship. I get friendship, but I miss companionship as there's none in my life.
Autumn is romantic season to me. I find things dying rather beautiful (they say I'm gore), and I'd like to share it with someone I love. Do the whole partnership thing.

But I've to say that I'm quite pleased to have N. around. I like the fact that I get most benefits of relationship without being in one: good company, good conversations, sleeping buddy... all the things adults do with each other.
And he believes in me. He keeps my ego in shape by praising my intellect, looks, personality... and I know he means every word, as he's also able to give me rather spicy feedback time to time (I like his honesty).
I've to say that our friendship is quite interesting one.

Now, what's it with L word? I just can't help wondering why FWB would say such a word, even in middle of things.

Well, I'll just pretend that I didn't hear him saying it.

'Release of any teddy bears into the fish hatchery water is not permitted.'

I realised something while doing dishes: existence of N. has done good to me.

Anyhow, due ovary pains I decided to ditch cleaning (actually I just decided to do it tomorrow) and concentrate on stitching... Though I only placed few stitches on Jaffa as for some reason my eyes just begun to hurt after first stitches - and I don't want to conjure migraine - so I decided to concentrate on SFE. And therefore, no pictures... (anyway my camera's batteries are almost dead so it's possible there won't be any pictures before Thursday evening.)

Ever wondered what teddy bears do at night?

Maybe this explains it...

Men, can't live with them, can't understand them... can't live without them.

Regardless of the fact that N. has said to me that he's not ready for a relationship, and regardless the fact that we have agreed to be just friends with benefits I can't help the impression that he has other plans for me.

Or maybe I just haven't got used to someone who wants to give me gifts just out of the fact that I am so wonderful, maybe I'm odd when I consider it odd that your FWB tells how much he enjoyed that moment when I kissed his face in one morning when I woke up next to him "...because it felt like you had made love to me...".

That word bothers me, that term bothers me. He wants someone who loves him, or at least acts like she loves him (easy for me as I am very affectionate), but he's afraid of committing.
Of course I don't know how it is, but I've got that impression from him.

But fact is that I'm prepared to that day when he leaves the country in the end of this year, and even I'm not very fond of the thought out of my own egoistic needs I can live with it without bigger problems.
He's good conversationalist, he's cute, he adores me, he's kinky, well-educated, he wants to have a herd of kids... he carries traits I appreciate in a man, but still I'm afraid that he thinks that we have something more than friendship spiced with physical relationship.

Maybe I am paranoid, or maybe... just maybe I'm the one out of two of us who's able to separate sex from love.

Actually this situation wouldn't bother me if there weren't one person who may get too interesting. Because I don't want to hurt anyone, not even "just" FWB as I really do like N., and as I see no reason to hurt anyone.
Though I know that solution with less possibilities to hurt anyone would be keeping N. as a friend without any additional spices.

But then, he has said to me what he has said, and we have agreed what we have. I'll live according to that reality as I'm not a foreteller and I refuse to know what others have in mind without them telling me.

SAT epilogue, exchanges and other things

I decided to call it off for today, so here comes before and after:

      

Noticing that I only stitched it today I'm very pleased on my progress.

On scissor fobs

I checked my partner's blog and her wishlist. Can you imagine my thrill when I realised that she loves same colours as I do? I've already kitted her fob, and decided that I'll stitch design I had in mind as I'd love it over one with my chosen floss and fabric.

'Guess That Theme' Secret Pal

I just heard that my little envelope has found its way to Canada, and, as I thought, Elaine loved what I sent to her (Sometimes these things are wonderfully easy).
My theme was simply hand-dyed:

Socialising

And in the end I did met N. this weekend. He sent me SMS and asked if I happen to be around and would I like to go for a cup of coffee with him.
I was (I was on my way home) and I did, and, as usual, I really enjoyed our little chatting session. Honestly speaking he is one of those persons with whom you rarely have a silent moment. And I enjoy it.
And first bag-related compliment came from him. Good taste he has.

On hot liquids

As it's a herbal infusion I prefer not to use word 'tea'. Anyway, True Blueberry by Celestial Seasonings is good choice if you want something good and warm (I'm sure it'd make good cold drink too), but aren't in the mood for tea/coffee.

Quotes

"Do your work with your whole heart, and you will succeed--there's so little competition.”
Elbert Hubbard

"When we love a person, we accept him or her exactly as is: the lovely with the unlovely, the strong with the fearful, the true mixed in with the facade, and of course, the only way we can do it is by accepting ourselves that way."
Fred Rogers

Models and other stitchy things

In headlines today...

I got email from that designer yesterday, and other one this morning and it seems to me that... I'll be model stitcher. And what is best, with her I can choose the pattern from given possibilities and I can keep the project when it's finished (in addition that she pays supplies and gives the pattern)! She just wants pictures from progress and finished object.

Sounds good or what?!

And... now my rotation will be very useful as by using it I can get time for my own projects while working with models.

And

I'll get more time with Panda as I won't be seeing N. this weekend. It's a pity, but there's silver lining in every cloud, which in this case is the fact that I'll get closer to finish with Panda than I'd otherwise got.

Scissor Fob Exchange

Partner info has been mailed, and I got mine. When I'll get home I'll sneak in her blog a bit and play around with possibilities. Actually I've one design in mind, and I've been planning to stitch it over one, which I've never ever done before.

The design itself is very suitable for scissor fob, but I try to find her favourite colour(s) to work it with.

It'll be fun!

Stitch-A-Thon, socializing and more socializing

I just realised that this one'll be one busy weekend for me.

Firstly, it is third weekend of this month (doesn't time fly?) and time for Stitch-A-Thon at The Robin's Nest.

Secondly, snowprincipessa will go to Korkeasaari (our 'local' zoo) with bits_2_whole, our mother and mirol in Friday evening because they're having Big Cats' Night (they'll be open to 11 pm instead of regular 8 pm). Cat craziness combined to mom's birthday (which also means that we're having her birthday picnic in there (Picnic in mid September, in Finland, in island... sounds tempting, doesn't it? *grin*)) equals very likely good time.
And as I live in middle of nowhere and it's pretty difficult to get back home at night (It'd mean in train with drunkards and walking 2 kms from station in the middle of the night, alone (though I'm not against that in any sense, trait which most people consider odd)) I'll go to my mom's after it.

So, in Saturday... I get home, sit down, and go again. This time to meet N. And G-d knows when I get back from there. Some time in Sunday, that's for sure.

All this means that time I'll use for this month's SAT is very limited, but I'll participate it anyway. Any progress is progress and that is what I need with Panda.

SAT goaling

Panda's current state is as seen here, and my goal is to finally finish that #&@%£! second quarter. Though honestly my goal is to make even one stitch to it.

Half-broken things, part II

I've had air pressure and sleep deprivation induced migraine today, and even I have done nothing to prove my existence (blogging doesn't count) my brains have processed information and experiences.

While I was putting my make-up on before going to grocery I glanced at the mirror and realised something... every time something hurts me I get more beautiful, in my own eyes if not anyone else's (though it seems to me that it works for general public too). It seems to me that I'll begin to bloom after my thirtieth birthday, and I'll age beautifully (good genes, thanks mom).
And what made me realise all that was that when I looked at myself I found myself beautiful even with those huge bags I've under my eyes at the moment. I looked older than I am, older than I look when I'm well rested, and still I liked what I saw.

Previous Eureka! came to me in Bangkok, during phase it maybe "shouldn't" have. Few days after that day I stood in front of bedroom mirror while adding moisturizer on my skin, saw myself from the mirror and saw myself in completely new light.
I've liked my body for years, but at that moment I realised that I really love every inch of it, every gram of it. And that I really have good body, no matter what general aspect of beauty is.
Though I still have to admit that there are few who have helped me to see myself as I am, as I see myself now, and I'm thankful for them. It has not been easy and it's not easy to be BBW in this world, or at least in Western world. (Fact: I never felt big in Bangkok even according to stereotypes I should have... I fit in.)

They call it...

FWB (Friend(s) With Benefits).

I admit it (again), I am not ready to have a relationship. I'm an emotional wreck (as there really is something broken in me, I need to find out what, when it broke and how to fix it) and I need to give time for myself. I need to find a focus for my life. I need to give some time for my soul to heal.
But, I am also a physical being with needs and that is when FWB marches in. Most who know me would never believe that I'd get into FWB, but it has happened before, and apparently it happens when there's (hidden) need for it and suitable (read: tempting) counterpart.

Joys of adulthood: as long as it's legal it's really up to you what you do with your life. And it seems to me that I've decided to sit on two chairs at the same time even it is something I don't usually do.
Honestly speaking, I like the idea, now. What I think about it tomorrow is different story, but... regret is not my thing.

Btw

It has been week of surprises, and they keep on coming: Wolfie IMed me today. (Though he still has connection problems so it was just a little while.) It made me smile as I realised I fell for him for all the right reasons. And the thought itself healed something in me.