While walking in rain (to grocery) today I thought of things, as usual. And I realised something which took certain odd feeling off from my shoulders/ soul /heart/ what-ever.
This is first autumn in 9 years when I'm single. And that odd feeling of missing someone or something is familiar to me from my late teens.

Honestly, my personal life is actually quite good at this moment. N. provides me physical and mental gratification, and in certain sense emotional, as I do like him (and he likes me, I know it), but there's not that loving feeling - and there's not supposed to be one, we being just FWBs to each other.
And... I miss being loved. Maybe I'm a love junkie, noticing that June was not that long ago. Maybe it's my teflon coating. Maybe I don't know what love is. Maybe I really am an addict. I don't know.

I think the difference lays between friendship and companionship. I get friendship, but I miss companionship as there's none in my life.
Autumn is romantic season to me. I find things dying rather beautiful (they say I'm gore), and I'd like to share it with someone I love. Do the whole partnership thing.

But I've to say that I'm quite pleased to have N. around. I like the fact that I get most benefits of relationship without being in one: good company, good conversations, sleeping buddy... all the things adults do with each other.
And he believes in me. He keeps my ego in shape by praising my intellect, looks, personality... and I know he means every word, as he's also able to give me rather spicy feedback time to time (I like his honesty).
I've to say that our friendship is quite interesting one.