I read this blog from start and found interesting dream:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/snowprincipessa/5615.html
I really do have some problem with approving the fact that someone can really have feelings for me, that I am worth loving and have a beautiful soul. I got this SMS from him last night
"Good night :) you have beautiful heart :)"
And my reactions to it were...
1. Oh joy! A SMS!
2. How sweet of him.
3. ...maybe it wasn't ment for me?
4. ...he send it to wrong number....
5. ...What the hell am I thinking? Of course he send it to me. :)
So, here am I blaming totally innocent man for others mistakes. Just because my ex treated me like shit I think that A. will do it to me too... :( I am blaming totally innocent man just because he is a man and I've been treated like shit by some men....
I am a idiot.
...idiot who is falling to him...
I am a prejudicing idiot.
So. I have quite much mental work to do before I am back to normal. It's sad that I have to go trough my mind once again to be happy.
Ok, in fact I am happy now but I can't just enjoy because my mind is little mixed... Which is a pity, really.
Sunday 21 November 2004
Friday 19 November 2004
It has been a while....
Yes, I am still alive. Very much alive in fact.
It'll be nine weeks today. Someone came and stole my little heart. And soon I maybe'll start to believe that I am not dreaming - when ever that day comes...
I've known him few months and I never thought that he'd be anything else but a buddy of mine. Just a person with whom it was nice to talk in IM now and then when there were nothing else to do. For some reason it's hard to realize that 9 weeks and a day ago he was only a friend. He was only a friend 9 weeks ago when I met him. And after it... nothing has been the same.
I just can't get how it all happened. I know what happened but why and how? In fact I am still little amazed of that. Because it all felt so natural, like things had always been like that between us. (In fact I am still wondering why he invited me to spend an evening with him and his friends. Why me? And why I have to analyze everything into pieces? ;) Which is quite odd and -for some odd reason- quite scary fact in this whole relationship of ours. For the first time of my life I am not scared in a relationship. It's scary that I can trust him, I have no need to doubt him...
And why in earth it is scary? Shouldn't I be extremely pleased about it? Yes, I should but when you're used to be something or do certain things it's hard to notice that it's no more "the way". Maybe I just don't want to be appreciated as myself, maybe I am just afraid of being loved some day.
And apparently I feel unnecessary guilt because I've found someone after just few weeks after my ex moved away. Even my ex has been very encouraging - in fact we're good friends with him nowadays:) - I feel this pressure from surrounding society. And "I didn't plan this", I intended to be alone some time before going back to market. ;) OK, I've heard that you can't plan things like this... odd. :)
I always thought that my mother is very xenophobic - because I have heard her opinions about foreigners- but now... (Maybe I have to thank my 'sis' for coming out of his closet...;) I was very surprised of my mom's reaction when I mentioned to her that he's originally from India. The 'old' version of my mom would have acted quite bad ways, but this 'new' version... She wants to meet him some day. :O
Ok, maybe it affects that he has good, steady job in here and he's well educated, but I think that 'the thing' is that he's good cook - I have mentioned that couple of times. ;) I know that my mom has a weak spot for cooking men. :)
But... I'm SO tired. I think I'll continue later as I have things on my mind still. :)
It'll be nine weeks today. Someone came and stole my little heart. And soon I maybe'll start to believe that I am not dreaming - when ever that day comes...
I've known him few months and I never thought that he'd be anything else but a buddy of mine. Just a person with whom it was nice to talk in IM now and then when there were nothing else to do. For some reason it's hard to realize that 9 weeks and a day ago he was only a friend. He was only a friend 9 weeks ago when I met him. And after it... nothing has been the same.
I just can't get how it all happened. I know what happened but why and how? In fact I am still little amazed of that. Because it all felt so natural, like things had always been like that between us. (In fact I am still wondering why he invited me to spend an evening with him and his friends. Why me? And why I have to analyze everything into pieces? ;) Which is quite odd and -for some odd reason- quite scary fact in this whole relationship of ours. For the first time of my life I am not scared in a relationship. It's scary that I can trust him, I have no need to doubt him...
And why in earth it is scary? Shouldn't I be extremely pleased about it? Yes, I should but when you're used to be something or do certain things it's hard to notice that it's no more "the way". Maybe I just don't want to be appreciated as myself, maybe I am just afraid of being loved some day.
And apparently I feel unnecessary guilt because I've found someone after just few weeks after my ex moved away. Even my ex has been very encouraging - in fact we're good friends with him nowadays:) - I feel this pressure from surrounding society. And "I didn't plan this", I intended to be alone some time before going back to market. ;) OK, I've heard that you can't plan things like this... odd. :)
I always thought that my mother is very xenophobic - because I have heard her opinions about foreigners- but now... (Maybe I have to thank my 'sis' for coming out of his closet...;) I was very surprised of my mom's reaction when I mentioned to her that he's originally from India. The 'old' version of my mom would have acted quite bad ways, but this 'new' version... She wants to meet him some day. :O
Ok, maybe it affects that he has good, steady job in here and he's well educated, but I think that 'the thing' is that he's good cook - I have mentioned that couple of times. ;) I know that my mom has a weak spot for cooking men. :)
But... I'm SO tired. I think I'll continue later as I have things on my mind still. :)
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