I just realized something.

When I was married P. used to be that one who talked about having a family and how great it'd be. Anyway when we were in public he usually put his words in a way which was quite contradictory: it was me who wanted to have a family and in fact I was forcing him to have a family asap.

And I was one who felt guilty. Frigging great.

Humans.

I think I've proved that I was right about one person's intentions. Which is not really nice as we were friends so long...

Once again long story, over ten years in fact, so I don't even go it trough.
Anyway, he send me SMS in January. And he seemed to be almost happy when he heard that I was divorcing, he promised to write me a letter. Then I mentioned that I've someone in my life. I haven't heard him since.

So, what this tells about him? Exactly. Nowadays I'm sure that only reason in me which really mattered in me was.... My body. (Ok, I have nice ass and great pair of breasts but so?)And because I'm in a relationship he knows he can't have me -he tried it when I was married- so there's no need to be in contact with me... How can someone be that shallow?

This is good place to do awkward transition and talk about...

Looks.

I've noticed that females have problems with me. With my looks. They seem to feel inferiority... And I don't get it as I'm very unlike I "should" be according to general aspect of beauty. I'm not delicate, thin, long haired, cute etc..
And still... females have problems with me, no man has ever said anything bad about my looks.

When I walk out there I don't even try to be attractive (I do use make-up in case someone is wondering, but I use it because of me) but I know I'm. Maybe it's because I smile and I love myself even I have excess kilos, and my hair style is just personal in this world with long-haired women.

Part of attractivity definitely is fact that I'm in love. I love, I'm loved and it shows. People want to have that feeling too and that's why they're attracted to me.

In fact it's bit crazy.

*sigh*

For once I hope that it would be sunny day.

In edge of despair with this feeling of missing him and it's cold and dark outside.
One of these days when only wise thing to do would be cuddling with your loved one in warm bed. I really miss those moments.

...those moments when you lay on bed --- with your loved one, close to that another person and completely quiet. Just be there and feel the closeness. In those moments world disappears.

I need him here, now.

Morning.

This is one of these days. In fact it begun last night. Missing him so overwhelmingly that - once again - I have no words for describing it.

Last night I felt him behind me, his warmth against my back, his arm around me.
Power of imagination is surprising. Right now I can feel his lips in my neck, warmth of his breathing on my skin... I sound bit delirious, don't I? But who said that love is form of sanity? (It's sanest and insanest thing in human life.)

When I got up from my bed and came to living room it started to rain. It described my inner sensation quite well.

His pic is watching me from my monitor. I should put it off as it almost makes me feel worse to look at that cute face, but I can't as I miss him, I want to be with him and pic is better than nothing.
(How anyone that serious can be that cute?)

Yup, I'm one insane thing.

Celibacy

It's almost my celibacy's six months anniversary (28th of June).

I haven't been in celibacy this long since I became sexually active (In other words after I "lost" my virginity). Which is odd as I have never been one-night-stand type. Ok, I have had my one nighters but without sex, so I assume they're not exactly one nighters to most...

Anyway, it has been a surprise how easy this has been. Surprise because I'm relatively sexual person, some would say that I'm nymphomaniac - which is more or less true. I just happen to enjoy sex.
With right person it's something... beyond description. But in that case it's love making and I'm not satisfied with anything less anymore - as nowadays I know that I've been always right in that matter.
That is something I learnt during my marriage. It takes great love to have great sex life.

Anyway, this celibacy has been very interesting experience as I've realized few things about power of human mind. One of those is that it's possible to make love with the person you love, even he's far away, as long as he's in your heart and mind. Of course nothing beats that feeling when you have your beloved next to you, feel his warmth and smell his scent.
In fact one huge part of love making is when after those about million orgasms you lay next to your loved one, caress his face and adore his beauty. That's something I miss... And lack of that is greatest defect in masturbating, physical loneliness after enjoyement.

So, I really don't miss sex. I miss making love with him even I don't know how it'll be... I miss his touch, warmth, scent, smile...

Darned. Sonnenschein, why you have to be so far away?

Good night

We had short but quite soothing conversation today about religion.

It'll be a hot topic many times after this as he's purely pagan, and I am what I am (and will be what I will be). And it may raise conflicts that my religion will show in our daily life, more or less. But, he has known it since we met (~16 months) and still he fell in me and wants to have a future with me.
I wrote short essay to him about my worries, why I worry and why I'm taking that path even it wont be easy one. In fact I knew what he'd say, and he said it:

Don't worry.

Sometimes I'd like to be able to take things like that. As easy at it sometimes seems to be to him - and sometimes easy things seem to be so difficult to him.
To be honest I think that it's good that he's like that, even I can't understand how he does it.

You can't live without them...

...you can't live with them.

Family.

I found out -my SIL is a bit gossipy sometimes- that there has been gossiping about my love life in my family. Behind my back, of course.

Ok, curiosity is good thing and gossiping is only humane but wouldn't it be just easier to ask it from me? I'm only one who can provide facts, others can provide only assumptions.

I admit that I don't talk as much about him as my family may think I should, but what I have to say at this point? Nothing new has happened. We still live in different countries and we still have same goal (AFAIK). We still love eachothers. That's quite much it.

Sounds bit rude, doesn't it? But that is how it is, to others. For us it is true also, but we have more levels in this - "surprisingly".

I miss him, and assumingly he misses me, but he does need that money he gets from his current job. Only reason why I understand it. And I know that he couldn't live with my few euros, it'd be against his principles.
His principles are sometimes very strict, I do respect them. Sometimes I just can't understand even I understand reasoning behind them. Mostly because I'm basically more emotional than he is. I use reasoning and my feelings when I make decicions. (I'll become an awful lawyer. ) He only uses reasoning (And sometimes his fears, at least it feels so). Some say that it's difference between males and females. In a way yes. It's only physical, only hormones. Partly. Rest is just what you've learnt.

I wait that day when I shake like a little child in Yule, that day when my only task is to get into the airport in time. That day when he is here - finally.

Something else.

It seems that I get my holiday this year too. I'm heading to my mom's place in August for 2-3 weeks. Only me and 7-9 cats. Free food and 70 square meters to live in, and natural conservation area outside. Great place.

I just need something to do in there...

"Yes!" part II

I slept 11 hours in a row!

I feel almost alive.

Yes!

In fact I'm quite surprised how good this day was, as it was pure torture first few hours. Anyway...

I had my admission exam today and it went relatively well. At least I think so. It went better than I expected. And now I just have to wait a month. Then I'll know...

And after I left from University I was apparently quite cheery as someone tried to "hit on" me. It's always nice to know that you're attractive -even when you haven't slept properly in ~two weeks, have your hair almost shaved off, walk around in black... and of course barefooted. (Yes, Helsinki is a clean city.)

Last night...

I had three handsome men sleeping with me... one was very interested of licking, and other liked to nibble me... third is very into tummy rubbing...








No wonder I slept only three hours.

Sleep deprivation

I've slept about 8 hours in three days. This can't be good. I just hope that I can sleep that night before Wednesday at least relatively well, otherwise Wednesday will be disaster.

Best dream in ages

He was here. (In fact we were at my mothers place in that dream, I'm not sure is it that significant though.)

He was here and I felt his skin next to mine, I had him next to me when I went to sleep. I can still feel warmth and softness of his skin, I still remember how fabric in his clothes felt. I even remember how his neck felt under my hand and what his scent was...

And those words he said to me when he was laying there, next to me... he almost cried...

"It was one of the happiest days in my life when you said you love me. Nothing is as important."
"You can't realize how much it means to me that I have you in my life, that you love me."

So beautiful words, so meaningful even they were just in my dream.

I miss my Sonnenschein.

*Yawn*

It seems that I've been one complaining **** lately so why change my style?

Summer

I may have complained about this before but... who needs summer? Warmth is nice, unless it wont get over 22 C and it's rainy or cloudy, as sun is something which I can't tolerate. Sometimes it feels that I'm a vampire or something... Most people seem to hang outside during days when it's sunny and do something which they call "enjoying". I just close my curtains and try to avoid sunlight as much as I can.

Why?

One word: Migraine.
I'm not sure which one causes one, does migraine tendency create sensitive eyes/ photophobia or does photophobia create migraine? Anyway, I can't stand sunlight in most days - fortunately I live in (mostly) cold and dark country.

To be honest I wait for winter. This nightless night thing is not good for me, my inner clock is completely messed. I just need longer phases of darkness than two hours per night to keep my sleeping rhytm in order... (Little example, last two days have been like this: 5½ + 4 +2 + 4 + 7 +2 + 4 + 3½...)

Good things:

I placed an order into Crafty Needle in the end of last week and today I had pleasant surprise in my mail box: a parcel!
A parcel including one cross stitch booklet which is (according to general knowledge) discontinued and very difficult to find.
I also bought book which seems to be quite interesting according to my quick browse-trough. One sentence caught my eye:

"It is a Great Mitzvah to Always Be Happy."

So, I'm not empty-headed bimbo because I'm relatively happy person by nature. Good to know.

Little things

I was taking carbage out and there was this little boy walking in parking lot with a bottle of soda... and he showed his soda bottle to me (We all know that childlike style) "Look what I have!". He made me smile.

Kids, they're so pure.

It was great also because I know that there are gossips about me in this neighbourhood, even I don't know any of these people. And if it were so I think that things might be different, or worse. I like this place, even though people seem to have difficulties with me, and that is why I stay here. And of course affordable rent is one good reason to stay.

My throat is aching and I don't know why... it bothers me. I have to hope that I wont get sick before next Thursday, I've admission exam in Wednesday.

Complaining, nagging, being bitchy etc.

Friggin' great. My browser crashed just before I got my entry posted... What we learnt from this boys and girls?
Always copy your entries in regular intervals to your browser's notes... Anyway, I was writing about...

My SIL, part II

It really annoys me when certain people seem to be uncapable to understand value of works of other's hands.

Long story but I try to make it short:

I cross stitched Daisy Fairy as a christening gift to their youngest child couple of years ago. Difficult piece for a beginner - which I was back then - lots of colours, colour changes, bunch of similar shades, fractionals... you name it. Anyway... I mailed to my SIL 12 days ago and asked if she could take a pic of it and email it to me.
First of all she never answered to that mail, even she spends quite much time with computer daily. Then I IMed to her and asked did she received my mail. Yes, she said that she needs to buy new batteries to their digital camera and then she'll take that pic. OK, it was ok to me. I thought that no matter what I'll get that pic in few days...

Today I IMed her again because for certain reasons I do know that there's batteries in that camera...

"It's in there, in renovation stuff pile... I'm not going to dig it from there..."

"Excuse me?! In renovation stuff pile?!"

"You know what I mean..."



Few things to mention about that:

1. She seems to be uncapable to understand even her mother tongue, which is quite alarming if you ask me.

2. Even I may sound bit übermensch I can say that I do know how this language works and how words should be interpreted in normal conversation.

3. I'm wondering how the hell she's survived last 30 years when she doesn't even seem to speak Finnish?

4. And, if she knows me as well as she claims, she should know that I never assume so I don't assume that she ment something else with her words than what she said.

5. They've been renovating last six weeks, she should have known that she wont get that pic even she got those batteries... In the other words she shouldn't have promised anything.

I'm having this bad feeling that something has happened to that little fairy. Ok, it's just piece of fabric and few metres of mouline but as I've made it I assume that people could even appreciate that hard work I've put to it. To be honest, I don't wait to get that picture - if I get it, I'll be amazed.

Maybe I'm paranoid or otherwise crazy. Who knows.

...and now for...

...something completely different? No, unfortunately no. More complaints about my SIL.

She has stucked into good old nineties. At least she seems to be blind to facts.

"What has happened to you? We used to be so good pals..."

First of all, what has happened to me?! Conclusion: she has not changed in ten years. What it tells about her?
So apparently it's odd that someone can change more or less drastically in ten years. Maybe I'm "bit" different now when I'm almost 26, and been trough things she could never understand, than I was in the mature age of sixteen. Those good old days when "we were so good friends".

To be honest I was unsecure little teenager who searched herself, of course I've changed as I've become "adult". That 16 year old hasn't never dated anyone and this person I am now has dated too much and divorced too many times (Once is too many times...).
That sixteen year old also thought that she's invincible, 26 year old knows that she's not.

During that ten years I've found my first BF, had sex for the first time, lost him, messed around with males, loved, had unattached sex, disappointed, realized that I'm more or less infertile, met a boy, got engaged and married, heard words which crushed my world, cheated because of revenge, tried so much, wanted to have a family, more or less left my husband, fell in love with someone else, dated, loved two men at the same time, broke up, got that one I really love, divorced... and also learnt to respect myself as me. Learnt that I don't need to please others, learnt that those real ones love me even I'm not the easiest person...

And I like this difficult bitch I'm nowadays.


Official off-topic of a day:

I'm a Rose Fairy according to Fairyscope, which is under Fun section in Flower Fairies web site.



Best and dearest flower that grows,
Perfect both to see and smell;
Words can never, never tell
Half a beauty of a Rose-
Buds that open to disclose
Fold on fold of purest white,
Lovely pink, or red that glows
Deep, sweet-scented. What delight
To be Fairy of the Rose.

Twisted thoughts.

OK, I've lost the rest of my little mind... Someone has just got divorce verdict 2½ months ago and now... "...I want to get married..!" Yikes.

Well, as I'm "experienced" in that matter I don't wonder it that much, mostly my problem is pressure from outside world. "That's not normal..." (Oh, really?)
I miss feeling of companionship, "All for one and one for all" attitude. And I'm very pro "To have and to hold... 'til death do us apart".

Maybe I live in some pink and fluffy dream world, maybe I am just plain practical. It depends so much on the view.

In fact this was not the first time, been thinking about that quite some time. First only because marriage is always one reason for an immigrant to reside legally, and because Sonnenschein mentioned it long time ago (If we don't count that fact that he proposed me twice last fall...) as an option... now I have no worries about that, I scared him by freaking out about it - I've never been very good with surprises and big commitments which come out of the blue - and since then he has been quiet about that matter. Which is a pity, really.
Apparently it also has to do with his fear of failing and losing me, his future and everything he dreams of (somewhere deep inside of his (sometimes very) icy shell).

I could jump -once again- to one conclusion:

I'm really getting committed... *

So, the rest of my life to me with one person... I hope. (And now just keep on hoping that no one messes this thing up. I'm so lovable when I'm pessimistic.)

---

* Or maybe I'm just losing my mind/ getting old.

Feeling blue...

I just hope that I could tell to him how much he means to me. But I am only a human, I have no words to express myself.

I miss him every second. Every morning he's first thing in my mind, every night he's last thing I see in my eyelids before I fall asleep.

And I'm afraid because I have tendency to raise people I love on pedestal and adore them no matter what they do or what they don't...

.. I just want to get him here.

Dreams and premonitions

I'm annoyed. I saw a dream about him but I can't remember that dream. And I know it was good dream, that is why I'd like to remember it at least this day. It'd have easen my life.

But what is most important is that I haven't seen any bad dreams about him... because I have premonitions (sounds bit weird but that is how it is).

Before I fell asleep last night I remembered few dreams I've seen about him in past - before we were we. Odd dreams, beautiful dreams. Dreams of hope, dreams of love. And in my dreams I knew how he looks like physically (Of course I knew how his face looks like - cutest smile in Earth, btw) - and what kind of clothes he wears. I didn't knew it back then.
Sounds bit freaky, or crazy. But that is how it is, no matter how crazy it may sound.

Those dreams...

First dream I remember came in quite early stage, last spring. And when I think about it now it sounds so very familiar: We were almost us-> we "lost" eachothers-> we got together anyway. What is odd is that we were just got to know eachothers and we were just friends... (At least so we claimed...)

Then I saw couple of odd dreams in summer. Odd considering that we were still friends... Those dreams happened in chronological order and these things are almost only things I remember from them (How could I forget?): First he said he loves me, then he asked could I get engaged with him, then he proposed me.(Some Finnish thing apparently, in here proposing and getting engaged are different things...)

So, I had interesting dream life in last summer... and then there were those dreams where I just happened to go to Spain for various reasons and we just met there by accident... and everything went well.

Then came early autumn and this day. I saw couple of dreams about him in early September. Freaky one was that when I woke up from a dream where he had his arms around me... and felt his arms around me about a minute. I had to convince myself that he was not there and, of course, that "...he's not interested of you, you stupid girl!" Apparently that is why I was too afraid to ask what he feels for me and ran into a relationship with other man (Still, I never make mistakes. I think I needed that relationship with A.)... and continued having dreams about Sonnenschein.

I just wait that day when I have no need to dream...

Dusk thoughts

Why it can't be always like this?


Dusk time, it has rained hour or so ago and it's so quiet. No sun torturing my little eyes and yelling neighbours have gone to sleep. Air is like bird's milk, soft as baby's skin...

This is why I like summer. This is one reason why I like summer - other one is possibility to walk barefooted.

Oh, happy day

Tonight was "official" Sonnenschein's online night. It's odd how you learn to appreciate those few hours you get after you're used to blabber with him almost every night.

Things changed a bit when he got that job of his, but not that much in the end. To be honest I was bit afraid of what will happen but things are still like they used to be. Almost unbelievable. (Though I have nothing against it. )

14 weeks to go. Fortunately those weeks are summer weeks, it's easier to handle when you're basically in good mood. Excess amount of sunlight is sometimes almost good thing, even it causes migraines.

Cross stitching, forums and women

As someone who has androgyne brains I'm quite surprised that I enjoy "blabbering" with other women (Cross stitching is mostly feminine hobby -for some odd reason) in one cross stitch forum. Of course there are people in there who have no sense of netiquette but you can't get everything...

Usually I dislike large groups of women because I usually don't fit in and for some reason it seems that women have this bad habit of gossiping and stabbing backs of others - usually those who disagree with them. And -of course- I've been that one who has been stabbed. It has been me who's too different to fit in... Why? Because I'm "too masculine" ->I'm honest, my sense of humour is twisted and I dare to love facts and dislike "girly" stuff.

Sex vs. gender

In theory I shouldn't even talk about other women as a female and a woman are different aspects. In general they're synonyms, in general in that world which has only two sexes... I live in that world and rebel against it, as fact is that there are at least three physical sexes - in fact only sky is a limit when you start to categorize.

Then sex and gender... like night and day but unfortunately it's too difficult for most to understand it.

"But you look like a woman!"

...is quite familiar sentence for me... It's friggin' hard to get some people understand that sex is what you're but gender is who you're. And then there's

"So, you hate your body then?"

No, I don't hate my body. I like it very much, thank you for asking.

I understand that it is bit hard to understand why I have no problems with living in a female body when half of my brains/ personality live in completely different sex as they should live in. I've wondered it myself. It may be just getting used to this carnal entity, it may be my sense of aesthetics (Yes, I think that in theory female body is more beautiful - even I am straight (I could talk about sexual orientation and gender but not now... maybe later, if I'm in the mood some day)) or something I can't even think of. I like male body but I wouldn't like to live in one.

Nightmares without sleeping...

This numb pain inside of me...

And when I close my eyes I see myself holding a baby. Almost newborn in white clothes. It's winter's night, curtains are open and I can see sparkling snow. My Sonnenschein is there, close to us, in his black clothes, smiling like sun... and I hold that small human being in my arms...

My body's way to say: *ahem* It's time for you to have a family...
But why in earth my body has to yell it's urge now? Why can't it wait few months..? I really don't need this feeling now...

Worst part in this is that I know that this wont get any easier from this point. I already see that continuous loop of wanting to have a family and knowing facts, which make this urge even worse which causes collisions with facts etc..

Someone out there who wants to buy one excess Stein-Leventhal's?

If you haven't been in this path you can't understand this pain. Losing your child may feel like this, I think. If you have to live with infertility you have to bury your child every friggin' day when times are bad. Otherwise it's "only" ~once a month....

I've always wondered how will I survive if I've a miscarriage some day, as sometimes it feels that I'm in the edge of sanity even now... because of the pain. Mental and physical.

The problem is...

How do I say this to him? (I mean how I tell about my urge, he knows about my syndrome.) How can you say to someone after five months that your body wants to have a family asap? He'll freak out and gets back into his shell... ...and I want to keep my Sonnenschein away from that shell.

And how I can make him understand that in my case even asap can be few years..? Or never.

I know what he'd say to that...

"We can always adopt."

Cute and very true, yes. But at this point in my life I don't even consider that option. My body is a fool and it wants to spread it's genes. I want to feel how it is to be pregnant, I want to hold newborn in my arms and know that all pain I have had has been worth it.

Just blabbering...

When he graduated last fall he sent me a link to a video made of this song:

Send Me An Angel

---
Hear this voice from deep inside
It's the call of your heart
Close your eyes and your will find
The passage out of the dark
---
The wise man said just raise your hand
And reach out for the spell
Find the door to the promised land
Just believe in yourself
Hear this voice from deep inside
It's the call of your heart
Close your eyes and your will find
The way out of the dark

Here I am
Will you send me an angel
Here I am
In the land of the morning star
---

It was quite cruel in a way. I was dating (I just had been uncapable to tell it to him for certain reasons... ) and then he sends something like that... He was only two weeks late. And I was too honourable - and too afraid.

Nothing to do with anything though, "just" a memory. Memory which I cherish and which made me cry last night like I cried when I saw that video for the first time...

I still can't fully believe that he loves me. But though... he says he does, I can live with that.

Coming out of closet

Lately I've started to become out of the closet with my blog. I just wonder why. Maybe it's just that 15 minutes in fame.

Thoughts...

...about relationships. Long distance relationships.

~2949 kilometers isn't that much but still enough to be torture. At least for me it's, as not being able to be close the man I love is something dreadful.

I've slept (mostly) alone for almost a year now and I should be used to it. In a way I'm. I can sleep alone, but nights are difficult to me.

First of all I don't want to go to bed because I have to sleep alone. And when I go to bed I stay awake and daydream, sometimes I even talk with him... I know I sound crazy but I miss him. By talking to air it feels that he's closer. (It's the same with emails. I've difficulties to send them when I write them as while writing it feels that he's close to me.)

What I hate most in this situation is that we can't see eachothers expressions nor hear tones from our voices while we're "talking" and it causes problems. Nothing serious though, but sometimes it's quite consuming when you have to think how you can say something without sounding like an idiot or being bitchy. And still it happens.
Yes, I do know that it happens in every relationship time to time. But things are quite much different when you're next to your partner and are able to see one's expressions. There's much more room for misunderstanding when there's thousands of kilometres involved in a relationship.

It may be our luck that we were friends quite some time before we confessed our feelings to each other. We have solid base to build on.

Odd thoughts about...

...kids.

I had odd experience earlier today (Ok, in fact it was yesterday but as I'm still awake...), I had this sudden "I want to have kids" feeling.

Yes, I know that there's nothing odd in that but I've succesfully buried that feeling over a year ago - not because I didn't want to have them back then but I want to raise my kids in a family with two adults.

History/ herstory

In fact I've wanted to have kids since I was 18 and got PCOs diagnose. Without that diagnose it's possible that I wouldn't have even thought about having kids. Before those words from endocrinologist I never understood why people were hypeing about kids all the time. Since then I've knew why.

So?

PCOs or not, it would be great to use some birth control, but nowadays I have this kind of twisted situation:

1. I'm allergic to latex -> I can't use regular condoms.
2. Non-latex condoms are friggin' expensive.(IMO it's not very wise to spend ~100 €/month to condoms...)
3. I can't eat most birth control pills because I can't stand corn in any form.
4. Hormonal birth control in general messes my head big time.

So, it seems that when my beloved little celibacy comes to it's end there's only one long-term solution: Just accept that fact that I may become pregnant - or may not, which is quite probable with this friggin' syndrome.

Anyway, as I see it, this situation is bit odd. And awfully akward, for both of us.

The point in this

I don't know were there any. I was just bit surprised of that feeling. Maybe my mind just fools itself so I wouldn't feel as bitchy I sometimes feel... because in a way I'll force my poor Sonnenschein* to take that risk with me. Risk of my body working for once... and on the other hand it would be almost a miracle...

Life's odd, but I think that is why it's so interesting.

Nightless night

Seems to be curse to me nowadays. It's almost 5 a.m. and I'm not tired. How can you be when there's no night? No darkness, just more or less daylight. Freaky. And my system dislikes it.

Ok, my system likes it in it's freaky way but it's impossible to combine modern society and Finnish summer. This is really one twisted place to live.

Fairies

As we all know my surname is fairy in Turkish (More about "us" in here.) and I had this idea while I was cross stitching... Maybe I should get addicted to fairies as they're me?
To be honest there's one HK design I have to do because it's all about my name: Forest Fairy... (Yes, it's me. It just depends on what languages you misuse...)

This has nothing to do with anything, it just popped to my sick little mind.

* Sonnenschein is a nickname of his which I gave to him last fall, as he was the light of my life even back then. Nowadays he's even more.

...countdown, part II...

Apparently I got addicted to these things:



Yikes, I'm getting old.

And maybe I should go to bed now...

/m3 (4n5

Apparently I shouldn't update my blog in the middle of the night. I just destroyed almost finished entry.

My SIL

Yes, nothing beats the loving care of relatives... At least those relatives who think that because of the good old times we should and we'll always be best buddies.

I can live with that fact that my SIL thinks that she's so friggin' emphatetic but what bothers me is that she is hypocrite.

Why I think so? Well... She has been in my life last >10 years so I could say that I know thing or two about her. And it seems to me that A. was "better" BIL candidate than M. as A. was "exotic". He was something to brag about to her buddies in that peasantville my brother's family lives in:

Oh, have I told that my SIL dates an Indian? Oh yes, isn't it exciting?!...

Apparently loving an European isn't something she could brag with.

How can I say that? Well, in autumn I showed her two pics: A.'s and M.'s and I told about her that I'm interested of both (This happened after met A. for the first time, before we dated officially)... Her comment was:

"Of course you take that Indian guy!

And why she thought so..?

"Because he's so good looking!"

Oh joy...

Maybe I'm, more or less, cold-hearted bastard as I was bit confused how the hell she weren't pro-European, anyway he has better educational background and he's cute though.

Anyway, after 4th of January M. became so very interesting and of course he'd always been my SIL's favourite... and after first month, or so, she haven' asked anything about us.

So, I think I could jump to conclusions:

1. I'm interesting only when I'm more or less single.

2. "Bit exotic" is good enough only when there's nothing "better" ("more exotic").

Ok, for most this wouldn't be that big thing but for me it is. I do know that I sound bit stupid... Anyway, I wait that day when I announce that he's here. Then I'll be very interesting again - and I have, unfortunately, proved my point.