And when I close my eyes I see myself holding a baby. Almost newborn in white clothes. It's winter's night, curtains are open and I can see sparkling snow. My Sonnenschein is there, close to us, in his black clothes, smiling like sun... and I hold that small human being in my arms...
My body's way to say: *ahem* It's time for you to have a family...
But why in earth my body has to yell it's urge now? Why can't it wait few months..? I really don't need this feeling now...
Worst part in this is that I know that this wont get any easier from this point. I already see that continuous loop of wanting to have a family and knowing facts, which make this urge even worse which causes collisions with facts etc..
Someone out there who wants to buy one excess Stein-Leventhal's?
If you haven't been in this path you can't understand this pain. Losing your child may feel like this, I think. If you have to live with infertility you have to bury your child every friggin' day when times are bad. Otherwise it's "only" ~once a month....
I've always wondered how will I survive if I've a miscarriage some day, as sometimes it feels that I'm in the edge of sanity even now... because of the pain. Mental and physical.
The problem is...
How do I say this to him? (I mean how I tell about my urge, he knows about my syndrome.) How can you say to someone after five months that your body wants to have a family asap? He'll freak out and gets back into his shell...
...and I want to keep my Sonnenschein away from that shell.And how I can make him understand that in my case even asap can be few years..? Or never.
I know what he'd say to that...
"We can always adopt."
Cute and very true, yes. But at this point in my life I don't even consider that option. My body is a fool and it wants to spread it's genes. I want to feel how it is to be pregnant, I want to hold newborn in my arms and know that all pain I have had has been worth it.
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