Long time, no see

I have thought about writing an entry for about bazillion times. But to no avail as life has been overwhelming and my head has been even greater mess than it usually is.

But I talked to Someone Very Dear about my blogging recently and he wondered why I have ceased to do it because I was good at it... Back in the day when we got acquainted. 12 years ago.

No, there's no Mr. Right Now.
Someone Very Dear to me is that missing piece of my soul, Mr. Wolf from aeons ago.
It's funny really. It has been years since last time and when we talk (well, type) it's like those years never existed. I never get that with people. Never. Time gets between me and my ability to act normally. Usually.

Which probably has something to do with the fact that I may have inattentive ADHD and it causes me to have problems with social interaction. among other things (like life). It's not official, but it would explain a lot (a WHOLE lot). and preliminary testing points heavily to that direction. It would also explain why Tiny has ADHD too (and vice versa). This is recent addition from this summer, but it was not a surprise to anyone who is in contact with him. And hopefully there will be medication trial this year as Tiny goes to preschool (today!) and needs to amp up his concentration.

Maybe I am back, who knows. Let's see.

A Happy Dance! O.o

I am shocked.

This is yet another part of the complimentary design series of stitcher's addictions and I will publish it in some of these days, when I am inspired enough to prepare the file it is now available for download at Periphaeria Designs.

Tidbits:

• Design: Stitch-A-Long Addicts Anonymous
• Designer: Lady Periphaeria of Periphaeria Designs
• Fabric: 32 count unknown Belfast linen from Silkweaver.
• Floss: Anchor 1206

Even though Addicts and Anonymous are slightly misplaced (I didn't spot the misplaced Addicts before I was half done with Anonymous and with Anonymous I had already frogged the A once and when I noticed the other error I just decided to leave it) I am very happy with the outcome even though I wasn't completely sure about my colour choices when I started stitching this earlied today (well, if the design is amazing you can't ruin with bad colour choices, can you? ).

Life in general

I haven't been feeling very good lately, for various reasons like being very short of cash and therefore not eating very well, getting used to lower dose of sertraline (I am on 100mg now) and missing Mr.Wonderful.

Money: I have been unemployed from the beginning of August and I am still waiting for the first allowance payment from SII - I should get the money in next week if all goes well and then I can apply for the rest of the money SII owes me, after that I hope to actually have enough money to buy some new clothes and stock some food items for November (so we can hide in bed whole time *evil grin*).

Mr.Wonderful: is slaving his (gorgeous) a** off, working 7 days a week to get the assignment done in time (if they don't get everything done on time they have to stay there longer until everything is done) and living in a hotel without internet connection so he has no opportunity to send me emails in our regular pace (which is daily). In addition to that the phone lines in $country suck so even he does call to me we can't talk too much because of the lousy line - but at least I can hear his voice, that is what makes me go on - and the hope of getting him here when he returns from Africa (if he works seven weeks seven days a week he should be able to get two weeks off as he plans).

So, everything is basically fine, but I am just suffering from withdrawals of money and Mr. Wonderful.

Fun, fun. I have a summer flu and I have a job interview tomorrow. Luckily my only symptoms are increased body temperature, problems sleeping, muscle pains, nausea and upset stomach (do I sound overly positive or something?)- now that I increased my cortisone dose and my lungs aren't freaking out.

The mania is quite well in control, though I did shop some DVDs when bits_2_whole was ordering some stuff from one store - my excuse is that I need all that splattery goodness (I have coming such comforting movies as Saw, Battle Royale, Omen box (i.e. all the movies) etc.) and I "had" to order English Roses (and one other design to justify the postages *ahem*). (Here's to hoping that I actually get it.)

I also performed a drastic act yesterday: I marked all my unread feeds read. It has been over two months since I had energy to read anyone's blog etc. so I thought it's less stress for me this way, to start anew. (Leena, I did snatch the images from your blog though.)

And I am still ever so impressed with my host. I had yet anoter script problem after my account was moved to new server and my host fixed it in half an hour - at 1:00 (am)!

Mania? What mania?

I realized last night (after shopping at Silkweaver's Odds & Ends ) what is behind my stash shopping mania: I am having a manic phase. I am not overly active, but I spend money uncontrollably, which is one of the symptoms of a manic phase.
Luckily my scheduled dosage decrease is after two weeks and now I realize the mania, which makes me quite sure of being able to control myself now.

Nicer things: designing

Since I started sertraline I have been completely uncreative, but I got a word play idea yesterday after browsing 1-2-3 Stitch! for hours (that is one of the reasons why I window shop: it gives indirect ideas) and to my surprise I remembered the idea when I woke up today.
So, after waking up I sat and played with my designing software and voilá! It came out as small-ish, cute Halloween design and with luck I have just the right fabric coming for it from Silkweaver (and coming to think of it I ordered load of GASTs from One Star's Light Needlework Supplies and I probably have most of the colours I need coming from there ).

And actual stitching...

Since Stitch-a-Thon I was bothered by the fact that The Mother only had half a face... so, I stitched her face enough to make her look like the beautiful woman she will be.

It's amazing how intricate her face is without any fractionals or backstitching (notice that there's still stitches lacking from her face).

Few bits

Still alive, nothing much to tell, only few interesting tidbits:

1. I filled the follow-up forms for depression and anxiety day before yesterday. My BDI score has plummeted from 15 to 7 in about 1½ months.
2. I was visiting my mother yesterday and after taking bronchodilator (it was an extremely dry day, very bad for my lungs) I decided to use her meter and measure my peak flow. It was majestic 700 litres/ minute! Remember that I have an obstructive, chronic lung disease and the median for a woman of my age and height is 440.
   Therefore my lung capacity is 159%. (This probably means that my lung function is recovering.)
3. I have found an excellent combination for workout: goth metal and Stephen King's books.
   If I only watch DVDs or listen only music I can't train more than 20- 30 minutes because I begin to feel too exhausted... when I listen to goth metal and read I can do as much as 64 minutes.
4. My pulse rate bothers me: it seems to be almost impossible to keep it over 140, even less at 160 which should be the best pulse rate for excercise.
5. It seems that caffeine blocks the effect of sertraline: when I drink decaf I am much more energetic than when I drink regular coffee and the meds seem to work better.

The blue scheme? I noticed one day that eLJay's trademark colour scheme was quite nice and soothing so I figured out the colour codes and edited my template.

The gazillionth entry for today

Why I don't like sertraline?

1. I have really odd dreams.
2. I remember tiniest things from years ago, things that I could have as well forgot as they are SO minor.
3. I have annoying case of dyslexia. I can't type or read right as well as I could without it. And my ability to write anything even seemingly coherent has gone out of the window.
4. I don't have the usual "edge" in my mind. (I.e. my mind has odd "blunt" spots.)
5. I think my social phobias are getting worse.
6. I have come to understand why SSRIs increase your risk to commit suicide: I feel lot worse mentally than I did before the medication. Admittedly it can be that the pre-medication exhaustion hid it. I foresee longer sick leave. *sigh*

On the other hand:

1. I have actually done laundry AND huge load of dishes today AND finished one biscornu, which is more than I have done last two, no wait... three, weeks... O_o
2. In their way odd dreams are fun: and who wouldn't like to wake up thinking how stupid idea the shutter on the door was in the Dawn of the Dead (you know, that scene where they send the dog to get some food for the gun shop guy and zombies get to him through the shutter when he lets the dog in).
3. I may be getting into a manic phase, which would be great thing regarding undone and piled household chores. (Yes, short mania phase would be nice. I am odd, I know. *grin*)

And oh, now I remember what I have missed! My FOURTH blogoversary was in Thursday! Happy birthday little blog!

SAT epilogue and Crotty

Managed one goal, partially. The biscornu is now stitched, it still needs to be assembled.
I blame on sleeping too much (sleeping a day in a row is, by definition, too much.)

Crotty bloomed last two weeks and the flowers looked really good this time - the first edition was a bit lame compared to this one. (The picture is from the beginning of the blossoming phase.)

I am not blossoming and I really hope the friggin' medication doesn't worsen my asthma permanently. If this bronchospam stays for few days the medicine has to be changed... I am not going to use bronchodilator daily as my asthma was behaving beautifully before sertralin.

On the good side I slept only 7 hours last night and I feel like stitching! (Yeah, I know. It should not affect yet - but it does.)

Atypical in more than one way...

I am not sure is it me or is there something wrong with the world. I just found it extremely odd that I seemed to be only person around today who smiled - me, who have been prescribed high enough dose to determine that my GP thinks that this is moderately severe depression (I am still waiting for the actual depression part..). And this was before I had even bought the meds.

Yes, moderately severe as the highest allowed dose is 200mg and when my adjusting phase ends I can take as much as 150mg a day.
Though I doubt do I need to get that high, the 100mg is probably more than sufficient as my brain is so sensitive that, even it should not happen, I got the first symptoms from the medication 15 minutes after I took the first 30mg... now I am just feeling suitably high - I am very aware that depression medication should not affect this way, at least not this fast, but who am I to complain? (The cortisone shouldn't have affected this way either and it did. If it is not supposed to happen, it happens.)

I have been awake for 22 hours and I think my head will shut down soon. I am just curious to know how long this night lasts as I slept 20 hours in a row between Friday and Saturday...

Let me quote myself:

""Head, say Hello to the wall."

I am afraid that in addition to everything else, my depression has returned.

I have been off of meds for about 5 years and two months, officially I am considered being cured from it because I have been able to function without any help from anyone or anything those five years.

And now... I am disappointed and afraid. Afraid that I really suffer from depression, and that if it has now came back I will never get rid of it completely. I am disappointed because I have tried everything I can imagine to avoid stressing myself too much in order to avoid the depression returning.
I would like to hit someone because one of the possible causes is my asthma, or rather the medication. Like it wouldn't be enough to have load of physical stuff which can kill me untreated, or just for the sake of it, and that now the medication which should keep me well may have caused my depression to return.

I have never been good in asking help from anyone, and now I may have to do it and get into yet another vicious circle of being dependent on chemicals to keep myself going.
Even though I know that it would be beneficiary for me (I would probably get a long sick leave (paid by government) quite easily) to walk to the doctor's I am reluctant to do so.

I don't want to be weak. But I have to be... because at this moment it feels that I am close to the point where my mind just makes nice little snap sound and all hell breaks loose.

I just hate even the thought of getting back to that dark hole I once was in and I am afraid that it ruins everything I have managed to accomplish since the last time."

Asthmatics are 3-4 times more likely to suffer from depression. PCOs women are more likely to suffer from depression and panic attacks than their healthy comparisons. People with prolonged health issues have higher probability to suffer from depression. Cortisone can cause depression. Difficult life situations can cause depression...

What of those does not apply?

I have suffered from memory problems for about a month, I have suffered from loss of interest about the same period of time. I have been more sensitive to any kind of negativity coming from outside world, I have had trouble waking up and/ or feeling awake. I don't have an appetite, but I eat because I am hungry or when my blood sugar goes too low to be tolerated. I have drank excessive amounts of coffee/ day for last month or so.

Either my cortisone dose is too high, which would cause troubles in planning the medication, or then my mind has finally decided to get tired with being physically ill.
Neither sounds like a nice choice. Both will be considered as the cause... if, or, whenever I am able to admit myself that I am not ok, that this is not normal anymore and make the appointment...

1780

You know how it goes... there is a finishing method you have wanted to try for a while and then someone decides to organize an exchange for that spesific finish...
This means that I have now stitched one humbug on light fabric (I love how it came out) and am still to stitch another one, with the same design and same floss, on dark fabric.
And of course, being me, I have designed the design I use (actually I have also dyed one of the fabrics I use), and, just to make it fun, I have designed additional pieces while stitching the first one and it is becoming a series...

I see the series stitched with certain Crescent Colours' silk on flax Newcastle - just when I had swore to myself to stay away from flax linen for a while.
It's good to have my creativity back, but I'd rather transfer some of the energy to be used in the tasks of life, at least for a while as I am seriously lacking mental energy...

Though, I have surprised myself by doing some serious spring cleaning (it doesn't look like it yet as I have also reorganized my living room, again) and not suffering from it too badly - I still can't stand long time physical activities without straining myself somewhat, but I am doing way better than I was last year about this time (last year this time I couldn't lift one 20 kg pellet sack (hardware stores sell wooden pellet used for heating and grocery stores sell the same wooden pellet as kitty litter... guess which one is WAY cheaper? *grin*) and nowadays I have no problems to lift them up while cleaning the litter box).
Admittedly my lungs sound worse under physical stress than they did last year this time, but I think it may be because my lungs are better now. (As odd as it sounds one of the symptoms of severe asthma can be that you can't wheeze because your airways are so obstructed.)

If I just have enough energy tomorrow I may actually be able to clean the place up. Then there's only left reorganizing the bedroom, washing windows and pile of carpets - maybe I can finally use my carpets now that Masa is castrated.

And... as I can't show you my happy dance piece I will leave you with a picture from last summer:

This mountaintop is solitary, but cozy...

I love the random quote panel I installed on PD's community, I find great quotes from it all the time (though, over half of the quotes there are added by me - not to mention the amount of typos of the original quote list I had to fix before it was usable *rolls eyes until they fall off*):

"Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves."
--Blaise Pascal

In general I have spent last few days by thinking, wondering, pondering, thinking... and playing online chess - when I haven't slept like a mummy (I sleep 12 - 16 h/d, simply because I can't open my eyes and get up).

All the symptoms point to depression...

I am bored: [X] Yes, [ ] No
I have problems being generally interested of anything: [X] Yes, [ ] No *
I "lose hours" every day: [X] Yes, [ ] No **
I sleep too much: [X] Yes, [ ] No
I am socially withdrawn: [X] Yes, [ ] No

... the main point just is... that I am not.
My state of mind is completely normal, though more thoughtful than usually (i.e. I really process things).
One factor may be that due my odd rhythm I haven't took all of my daily cortisone inhalations which leads my asthma worsening which leads to tiredness and general exhaustion.

It may be that my body is simply exhausted and depressed due all the strain it has been under last years with all the health problems. Which leads to interesting situation: I am mentally healthy enough to work, but my physics probably couldn't take it in the long run. (This was sort of proved during those three months I worked in the $COMPANY: 1st month was fine, but I was on a sick leave continuously during 2nd and 3rd month, and after the period was over I was sick for two weeks (admittedly it was a mild influenza, but still - I rarely get those).)

If it is so, I may be in deep $*** as I am so dreadfully good at looking healthy (that was why the GP didn't diagnose the hyperventilation attack as one and sent me to hospital for the second opinion..) which practically means that I am never diagnosed as sick as I am.... damn, I'd say.

Anyway, I'm off to shower. All this concentrating on one thing hurts my brain.

---

*: I haven't read blogs in three days, and I check only the necessary email accounts (i.e. blogging email, PD's Gmail and TSS').
**: You know, that is actually a symptom of schizophrenia.