Can of worms

I have had certain thought for a while..

This move has been a good move (har har) as it has given me space to think and process things and face some ugly possibilities.

To be honest I am not at all certain did Tiny's father, ex-to-be, want Tiny after all, despite what he said when we met and discussed about the matter.
He probably was lulled into the thought that I really was barren, even I had told him I didn't believe it would impossible for me to get pregnant. And he was wrong, he hated to be wrong...

First of all: when I found out I was pregnant I was in a different city so I called him. And let's say he wasn't exactly thrilled. Or happy. Or positively surprised.
And you would imagine that if your wife tells you appr. two years after you skip birth control because kids would be nice that she is pregnant you would be thrilled. At least I would.
But then again I am a bit odd.

He wanted to skip first sonogram because "it is so early in the morning!". It was as early for me. And I was the one who was exhausted 24/7 and had all-the-day-sickness.
And again, you would imagine that a man who has waited for the good news for TWO years would be joining his wife happily, regardless how early he have to wake up.
Regardless, I dragged him there. And he moped the whole time.

And the second sonogram... we got the appointment with the invitation to the first one AND I reminded him appr. 1½ weeks before it was and still he "forgot" and rather went to see his buddy - no way he would have cancelled it, it was "too important". Yeah...

He never asked during the pregnancy how the baby is doing, or commented when I told him the antenatal visit news. Nor he reacted in any way when I told him that Tiny's kicking already (he started 12+5 and you can tell: he has STRONG legs) or when I told him that I had seen the first kick.

He never asked do we need something for the baby. Only when I was full-term he started bitching have I bought everything!
So, everything Tiny had when he was born was bought by me or my parents.

He has, mind you, bought few items of clothing last summer, but naturally he didn't listen to me when I told him that Tiny is a big boy and it would be better to buy 80 cm and up as he was already using 74 cm (1 year) clothes. So, he got 74 cm clothes, which meant, of course, that Tiny has used one shirt and one sweater jacket. Once.

Since I left him he hasn't asked once how Tiny's doing. And as I see it he would be interested of his child IF he had really wanted to have him

He has never assisted me financially or even asked do I need money. And naturally after I left him there hasn't been any sign of child support. Even, once again, one would imagine otherwise if the child was wanted. That he would want to do the right thing for his own son's benefit.
Fun thing in this is that as child support will eventually be paid by SII he will be in debt to SII, something he hates. As he apparently does not realize that thanks to EU SII can and will go after their money and it will haunt him as long as he resides in EU area.

And oh... Tiny was never our son, he was your son and in one occasion, I think, my son.

Stash p0rn!

I am incurable! Luckily I won't afford new stash before spring so this stash p0rn will stop for a while after ALL that stuff I have ordered arrives to this side of the pond... and that is quite a reasonable pile of stuff.

But, without further ado: stash!

I managed to snatch two BEAUTIFUL Solos from Silkweaver's Facebook sale. Or three. I am not sure is that brown one solo or a regular, but it is really pretty too. Chocolatey brown with slight, but noticeable variation.

And apparently they think that I am a good customer as I got an extra with the fabrics:

And naturally I have received yet another envelope from One Star's Light (liquidation sale is still on, -40% with TheLastHurrah in your shopping basket!)

I have hoarded those LHN chart packs as they are practically free! What I have paid doesn't even cover the price of the floss so I had no excuse to leave them at OSL. *grin*
But admittedly all this saving is rather expensive... Anyway, I also ordered some HDF silks for "For This Child..."

"Robin Egg" and "Dragon Hoard" and I think I'll choose dragon one as Tiny is a dragon AND that is FAR more pretty.
Now I just need to decide on fabric... like for every Crazy January Challenge 2013 project. Even for Flora McSample one as one of the flosses is exact match for the fabric. Or maybe I change the green floss.

And now I am off to stalk our postie, there is a lot of stash waiting to arrive and I am certain that postie holds my stash hostage and fondles it without my permission....

I know I am an evil bitch, but I really hope Tiny's father does not respond to my latest email. Which I sent yesterday requesting his address and phone number (and I did send pics and tell how Tiny's doing).

If he doesn't reply to it he makes it so much easier for me to get the sole custody. As in addition to us living in different countries his inability to communicate would weight heavily against shared custody.

I hope that he keeps his word in this and doesn't want to keep any contact with us before Tiny's an adult. Because, as cruel as it is, it makes it easier for me and Tiny.

Stash sneaking in

I have several shipments coming from USA (ton of stuff from One Star's Light and a new shower curtain from CafePress), but for some reason the one that arrived this week was one of the latest orders... maybe 1-2-3 Stitch! is in good terms with postal services as their envelopes have always arrived in due course.

Little clearance finds again, they have had great designs there lately.

Dragon Dreams!

Jennifer has the cutest 12 Days of Christmas series in the making in Dragon Dreams' Facebook page so hop over if you have missed it!

I must stitch those for Tiny as he is a dragon baby - and coming to think of it I probably need to buy Ellen Maurer-Stroh's Dragon Baby and stitch it for Tiny.

Outsider parenting

As some of you know I have always felt more or less an outsider in this world. Sometimes the feeling goes away. Only to return at some point.

I have come to realize that that feeling is back. I don't feel like belonging to any peer groups regarding my parenthood and even though I can talk about people's interests and their topics I feel an outsider. Whether it is mother's with babies and partners or single parents.
Somehow I don't fit into either category. That I don't really know what they are talking about even we are more or less in same situation in life.

Or is it just that I don't share other people's problems, period? Or maybe I just have an amazingly easy child - which is not true.

Most likely it's all about the way I look at life and things. I seem to see goodness in everything (my mom heard that she has cataract and scarring in both eyes and I was immediately looking at the bright side: now she can afford to pay the surgery as she'll retire soon and her expenses decrease as she will only have one home to keep up) no matter what.
As I was overly optimistic.

Yes, Tiny keeps me awake at nights: he still drinks milk 1-4 times a night, he has very bad case of teething going on, housework is lagging behind, he is really a momma's boy and I basically can't have any hobbies outside home. Basically we are attached from the hip.
But so what? That is how it is with a baby. They grow, they learn, they are dependent. I am his only safe full-time adult, of course he wants my attention. I have been there for him since the moment he saw the hospital lights for the first time and if he wasn't so dependent I would be worried.

If I wanted I could sleep 12 hours a night (excl. feedings), if I wanted I would be able to take two showers every day. And I do, but it is my own damn fault that I don't get bed when Tiny does and it's my own damn fault that I don't shower when he sleeps. (I could shower when he is awake, but he loves our shower a bit too much to stay away from the water.)

Sometimes I do wonder how women with a partner and a healthy, average child can claim they are SOOOOO exhausted. How they can be if I, being alone and having a chronic illness that has negative effect on your energy levels, am not?
Or is the difference that I don't worry if there is some dirty laundry or dishes? I don't need to be THAT perfect, not now.
Maybe it is beneficiary for me to be alone with Tiny? No energy spent for social niceties and trying to be perfect. Tiny's happy lad as long as he has clean diaper, clean clothes, milk, food, his mommy and something to do/ play with. He doesn't care if there is dirty laundry or the flat is not spotless.

Heaven/ I'm in Heaven

In stashy heaven, to be precise.

One of those bazillion stitchy groups I belong to in Facebook is strictly Stitch-A-Long group and those evil people scheduled a "Cirque de Coeurs" SAL starting from coming Valentine's Day and... My reasoning ended at that point where I found pretty and cheap floss perfect for it. *grin*

Said floss is Anchor's variegated 1206.

And naturally I justified postages while at it and got these from 1-2-3 Stitch!'s Clearance section.

Tiny loved the caterpillar design when he saw it so I guess I must stitch it for him. Though I'll modify the fairy child's skin and hair colour a bit.

I have also managed to kit DMC part of all of my "Crazy January Challenge" projects (and I was told that it was originally a Finnish idea so I kind of have another excuse here). Luckily floss is cheaper in Tallinn as there's 40 skeins for CJC projects (and four skeins of Variations).

I also found this 40% off.

If I am not completely mistaken the design has all St. Petersburg's famous churches pictured.

And my friend Niina came to visit couple of days ago and brought me lovely housewarming gifts!

But now I must (oh yes, dreadful) start stitching! I managed to misplace my almost finished ornament exchange piece during the move and have to stitch new one. And of course as I am in a hurry (mail-out was yesterday) I chose to stitch it over one...

Once I Was Afraid/ I was Petrified

Last four months have taught me a lot. I have come to notice I am much stronger than I thought and that things I once considered as the end of the world aren't such.

I have come to realize how much I can love and how much there is room for denial in my little head. And that my inner self knows things before I do and prepares my subconscious for what is bound to come.

Last three weeks have been harder than one can imagine as I have been burning midnight oil trying to get stuff organized, even though it may not look like it at the moment.
But it has been good. I see in myself how much happier I am as people react to my happiness now. Not so long ago I was much more reserved because I "had" to be careful with people. And somewhere deep in me I was unhappy. For certain reasons.

And now I can smile and laugh with people without needing to worry. I can be myself. I can be good, happy mom to Tiny.

I CAN be happy.