30 o.O

I had my bestest (yup *grin*) gift when Mr. Wonderful wished me good birthday when I woke up. Having him here is the best gift I can possible have today - due our financial situation no huge gifts, but he gave me the sweetest card (which I have placed on top of the TV).

30 years old (I almost wrote 30 years odd...)

Oh mi gosh, etc.. I don't feel like thirty at all, but I have already noticed all the things coming from getting older: I got an invitation for the official PAP smear today... oh well, at least it's good for me. In addition to that I have to book an appointment to our nurse because I have been sick so many times between January - March. It has to be an one hour appointment, and for what? We just come to conclusion that asthma, customer service job and flu season are not a good combination.
But that is what my employer wants me to do so there I go.

And in addition to that there is another health check coming within next two months. Groovy. And I know that this time there is this "and how about your weight then?" conversation... though, I can tell them that I have lost whopping 12,5 kilos since March without any dieting and that we shouldn't meddle with what seems to going well.
Though... they could check my thyroid levels, just for future reference as it seems that our mother has hypothyroidism despite her levels being within so called normal levels. I just can't help, but wondering did I really have point with my suspicion of having hypothyroidism when I was prescribed antidepressants...

Well, what is my weight loss secret? I am not quite sure, but I guess that the combination of Mr. Wonderful and Nigerian food is the thing - that yummy okra soup he makes every now and then may be big contributor in this. (This is interesting.)
One thing I am sure of: I am not complaining.

Her Highness

Thank you for your condolences.
She was put to sleep after, this is what the vet thought, her kidneys had failed. Poor dear couldn't control her bowel or bladder any more so it was just gentle to let her go.
My mother took her with her and buried Her Highness somewhere in her cabin's garden.

In general: odd changes

I have noticed extremely odd change in me lately: I like to shop and I am actually looking forward to buy *GASP* more *GASP* feminine clothes (what, aren't jeans and T-shirt feminine enough?! I am getting scary!) in future - and I have started to wear *GASP* earrings.
What boggles me almost as much is that I have this odd mania for turquoise stones (or glass pieces, whatever) - in general I have a thing for turquoise which I can't explain...
I have even grown my hair longer because He asked to (and it's not dark anymore, more like dark, bright red).

Should I be worried or should I just come to conclusion that I am in love?

What kept me awake last night?

Fortunately I've bad habit to get bed about 8 hours before I've to wake up... Last night I stayed up thinking.
For some reason my mind drifted to think about last year and illogicality of human beings (thats what it seems to be in my eyes, but then I'm simple being with simple mind and I don't get all shades of social eye candy nor every twisted corner of human mind), gender issues and singledom. And of course my little mind who's too straightforward to understand - and which also has ability to see shades and meanings most don't see.

Gender...

In fact, now when thinking of it, gender wouldn't be an issue if world weren't be so black and white, if humans could think also other things than just those extremes.
Or maybe I just shouldn't be this honest and describe myself as female by sex and androgyne by gender. Maybe. Or maybe not. Anyway... I have to admit that I get along much better with gender queer people just because I don't need to explain who I am. But when it comes to Jane and John Does I've to be prepared to be burnt or to explain simple things for hours, as for normal individuals it seems to be just so impossible to understand that there aren't only two sexes nor genders. Not to mention that you can have sex X and gender Y.
Of course I could ask why am I complaining, I got better cards in this game than many others I know.
Anyway, last night I noticed that being nothing and everything is exhausting. As my feminine, masculine and neutral sides are in conflict all the time. It gives me tools to think outside the box, and therefore it's really good thing, but sometimes it'd be so much easier etc. to be just... normal(?).
Of course it'd be... there weren't any need for conversations like

Y: So, you're male?
Me: Did I say so? I'm not. I'm female androgyne (manwoman to clarify that term with rude translation).
Y: But you look like a woman?!
Me: No **** Sherlock...?!
Y: You're weird.
Me: Thanks.

It's interesting, really.

Addition:
I wrote this entry mostly in the morning before I left from home, and I got this idea when I was at work. I've issues with my androgynism at this moment because my hormones seem to be more stable than they've ever been. And hormones do affect in your life and enjoyment you get from it.
As I doubt that in my case my PCOS has modified my otherwise female brains to grow up like this, as they've got more testosterone when growing up than they should have got... so at this moment my androgyn brains don't get enough what they want, and apparently it may be also estrogen they lack because we may have more testosterone and estrogen than average woman I read one article about PCOS few days back and it claimed that) .. Interesting indeed.

For some reason I think that what makes so difficult to understand is that androgynes don't have actual bodily dysphoria - at least I don't have, but I know that I'm not a woman by gender even I'm very much of it physically (and I love it, just to make it even more complex). That is what sometimes makes me think, as part of me lives in wrong sex anyway... how it can survive and be happy?

Singledom

Been thinking of it lately. In addition to loving being free to do what I want I've also noticed that I've very humane reasons to actually avoid getting involved...

1. I'm afraid of falling to anyone.
2. I know myself so well nowadays that I know exactly what I want and what I can ask for.

Explanations:

1. Not because I'm afraid of love, but because I'm afraid of that falling out of love part. That falling. As usually it's me who falls when someone else falls out.
2. It seems to me that most adults on this globe are immature kids.

Then... I find myself from thinking about things which would be nice to do with someone I'm attracted to. Those little things like just laugh together to something completely stupid joke no one else understands...

Little wonders and wonderings

chanda_m and rosabjarna left me speechless, so I'll get into other things right away...

I think I said in January that this will be wonderful year if I interpret signs correctly. I still think so. Even more than I thought in 1st of January.

This is first spring in years when I haven't had any migraines even sun has shone brightly almost daily. I'm not sure what is actual reason for it, but I doubt that taking huge (well, huge and huge...) dose of vitamins every day (anyway, in my case I've to because of my limited diet).
I used to think that I can't do monotonous work (because I'd get bored) or normal hours (as I thought it'd be too exhausting for me (mentally) )... and today I realized that it's not so. I can even enjoy that monotonous job I get pay from just because I've learned to find pleasure from little things - and having odd work hours help (7-15, so when I get home it's almost like having day off).

And I've surprised myself: I love my singledom.
I don't deny that it wouldn't be great to have someone in my life, as sometimes your cells just need to be touched, and it'd be great to wake up next to someone who's really into me as a person (ok, I could continue with this list quite long)... But then I'm over that phase when I needed a relationship not to be alone. I'm not sure have I ever had such a phase though.

In fact I've been cursing few things lately... It's really annoying to be intelligent, analytic woman with cute face as when ever males see your picture you lose about 50 IQ points in their eyes - and that happens to them too, apparently. Yes, I'm making generalization now. I know all males aren't like that.
And what's that thing of calling every female girl? Why in Earth people have to refer to one's sex in general when it's not really necessary?! Does your sex tell everything about you?
Being female is great, but I hate to be treated Z just because I'm X. And anyway, I'm androgyne by gender, damnit.
Would it be so difficult to take people as human beings, as persons, individuals etc. and forget those completely unimportant things like one's sex? (One of these days when I don't wonder why people often assume that I'm bi - or anything else than straight (which I'm not if we interpret gender wise - androgyne can never be completely hetero-/ bi-/ homosexual because of one's lack of having traditional bipartite gender experience).)

Off from my soap box for now (and into bed. Having hot date with Mr. Sandman. ). I just happen to love preaching.

Spring Surprise

I'm still fighting with this one. I've always been slow when stitching huge blocks of colour and it seems to be the thing with our little bunny too...

I'd say it's about half done.

My name day

6th of August, Hiroshima remembrance day - and my surnames 7th birthday! \o/ These 7 years with my dear surname have been good, it has been worth 500 FIM/84 euros (...even I did not pay that sum myself..;) to be me. :)

In fact, now I have been Peri longer than I wanted to before I was old enough to change that without guardians permit. \o/ For some reason my father had something against it when I was underage... :P My mom was thrilled when I said I want to get her surname. ;)

And now it seems that there will be soon third Peri in our family. Soon 'all the girls' will be Peri... I just hope that my 'brother' get his TS* diagnose soon - as I know how stressful it is for him to wait that diagnose - and can become what he really is. It is little funny to get sister in this age ;) (Well, as a child I always wanted to have sister so... :)

Being TS's little sister has taught a lot to me. I have realized that when you love someone you really don't give a damn if the one is not 'normal'. And what is normal?
I see this issue like this: he has this disease now, being in wrong genders body, and after diagnose, hormone treatments and final operation he is well first time in his life.

Quite cruel to really start living after you are over 30... But better late than never.

*TS