Those Little Things

... that make you grateful: wrapping your child's presents in the middle of the night.

Those little things that were once so unlikely.

Tick tock

That's the sound of my biological clock and I am beginning to be more and more fond of the idea of having another child on my own... I just have noticed that, when thinking about the options (gay man/ couple versus "anonymous donor"), my cynicism - or maybe it's my OCD - is sky high: I would actually rather use "anonymous donor" as it would be more straight forward. I could make all the decisions, there would be no nasty surprises from the father front (as I have noticed that some people turn out idiots after their child is born *ahem*) - even though there is always that possibility.

I know I would be judged, frowned upon even, but it would be my decision. I can not say it would be a reasonable decision, but having children never is.

Life with a small baby and an active toddler sounds scary, but also something I could survive and something I want. We would fit into this apartment. I still have most of Tiny's clothes left despite my best attempts to sell them.
Hell, I still have Tiny's combo stroller/ high chair/ you name it! And a pushchair and another stroller...
And we would survive nicely financially even if I studied. Admittedly I would have to return back to my studies quite soon, but other babies have survived day care and grew up to be proper people.

It would be full of challenges, but other people have lived with alone with children with much smaller age difference and managed just fine.

And I could always say to "official people" that the pregnancy was a lucky accident.

Given that I can actually get pregnant. Statistically Tiny could have been the exception that makes the rule.

Power of those funny little presumptions

It's funny really...

I was out in the town with Boy some time ago when I happened to stumble upon ex-husband.
Who didn't recognize me before I greeted him and even then he knew it was me because of the necklace I use. (It's not that common to use necklace with Hebrew word in it in my neck of the woods.)

And he didn't realize the most obvious thing: that I was pushing a pram, a big "combo" pram (Attack carts we call 'em here) as he asked what I am doing nowadays... I had to point out that this is what I am doing nowadays, pushing a pram and living life with a certain charming little man. It was like he hadn't even noticed that big black thing in front of me. As it is a baby thing and not something I could ever push around.

What makes it funny, or rather interesting, was that his brain had obviously categorized me as "barren" after those years we TTC. Even he knew that basically the problem wasn't THAT big... (and then few years later, thyroxine came along and changed the whole thing).

It's funny how I used to think that he's not stuck into categories or anything like that... even after I came to my senses back in 2004.

Though what makes me wonder is that didn't he really recognize the face he was married with for almost six years (and I still look almost the same, by the way) or did that pram really mes his little head THAT badly.
Life's little questions...

34+2

... and my maternity leave has officially begun!

Actually it started 10th of this month when doc at antenatal care unit put me on sick leave for no obvious reason - except that my job was quite physical and my cervix was shorter than in last check up, but that could have been just different doc measuring it.

It's just insane to think that if Baby Wonder decides to born now he wont be stopped. As insane is that in three weeks we are full term and I will be in delivery room eight weeks from now if Baby Wonder refuses to born before that.
EIGHT weeks from now we will have a baby - or he is on his merry way out!

It feels like it was only yesterday when I had those two lines in pregnancy test.

And it still feels quite unreal that after all the pain of infertility and all the opinions from doctors I am pregnant, that those funny moves in my tummy is little human being and that soon I will be a mother. Without any treatments, as a result of a cycle where even the most fertile women might not have got pregnant (we had sex once in that whole cycle and I had ovulated week previously... but apparently when I saw Husband again my body decided to produce a good egg cell out of the blue. This is one reason why I call little one Baby Wonder).

I just keep on being amazed. Last night I sat over an hour on the sofa and just watched my tummy move.

Things, they are a-changing... SECRETS!

The reason for my absence from online world is small, but still great.

The reason has made my thyroid values to drop, drop, drop, regardless that I take higher doses than ever before.

But it is all worth it. Thousand times worth it.

Only few people can see this post. You are the ones who I trust to keep your mouths shut everywhere else as this is still a secret in FB or in the forums I frequent(ed). And probably will remain one few months.

I was checking my cycle data at Fertilityfriend earlier this evening because I wanted to know did I had any recorded ovulations before I got thyroxine.

I had, one, in the beginning of April 2009.

Wth my newly acquired knowledge about temperature change patterns in menstrual cycle I found something from that chart, something that surprised me.
There was a triphasic pattern in it. Which can indicate pregnancy (I know it always doesn't).

Otherwise I would have just thought that I just had that kind of a pattern, but I remember that cycle well as I felt after the ovulation that there is something different in this cycle, and had increasing feeling of maybe even being pregnant. I just didn't buy the test because I knew they wouldn't say anything about it after just few days. I decided to wait until few days after my menses should begin.

Only couple of days before menstruation I fell quite badly (slipped) and the day after that I spotted. For one day. That same day my temperature dropped drastically. And shortly after that my menses started.

What ifs and maybes, yes, but it's odd and not all pleasant feeling. If it was so the good thing is that I can actually get pregnant (though based on that it's other thing to stay pregnant), but it also means that I miscarried. And I can't help to think that if I was pregnant and if everything had went differently our baby would be eight months by now.

And that hurts like hell.

And I am probably slightly crazy... but still, even the what if is good enough for me. And even the slight possibility can make me sad.