So... Bumpy ride goes on and on.

I got SRTD from noise and spent summer with a burnout and was stupid enough to go back to school like nothing. Then I got sick and was too sick or tired to do anything 1,5 months. So, fall semester went to dogs.

We relaxed whole holiday period, it was tons of fun for both Tiny and me, and in January I started studying with goals.

Tiny got sick. Apparently he is more or less allergic to milk, fish and bell peppers. At least. And he reacts with his intestines. So, he has been at home a lot because his tummy hurts and he has reflux symptoms. Based on his blood work and check-up he is a healthy lad. At the moment we are waiting to get an appointment with allergy specialist. Until then I get to hear "mom, my tummy hurts" almost daily. And it sucks.

Then my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer with several metastasis in his liver. It's unoperable as long as he has them. And life expectancy isn't great even at its best: 10 % of PC patients are alive after one year, 2-3 % after five years.
And I worry already how Tiny will take it when his grandpa dies. "Luckily" he is no stranger to death: my sister's older cat died of cancer some time ago and Tiny helped our mother to bury her. He has been asking lots of questions about dying since. And he still thinks everyone will be buried at granny's yard when they die. *grin*

So. This is how it has been. I am hoping this would be enough for next ten years or so...

Tick tock

That's the sound of my biological clock and I am beginning to be more and more fond of the idea of having another child on my own... I just have noticed that, when thinking about the options (gay man/ couple versus "anonymous donor"), my cynicism - or maybe it's my OCD - is sky high: I would actually rather use "anonymous donor" as it would be more straight forward. I could make all the decisions, there would be no nasty surprises from the father front (as I have noticed that some people turn out idiots after their child is born *ahem*) - even though there is always that possibility.

I know I would be judged, frowned upon even, but it would be my decision. I can not say it would be a reasonable decision, but having children never is.

Life with a small baby and an active toddler sounds scary, but also something I could survive and something I want. We would fit into this apartment. I still have most of Tiny's clothes left despite my best attempts to sell them.
Hell, I still have Tiny's combo stroller/ high chair/ you name it! And a pushchair and another stroller...
And we would survive nicely financially even if I studied. Admittedly I would have to return back to my studies quite soon, but other babies have survived day care and grew up to be proper people.

It would be full of challenges, but other people have lived with alone with children with much smaller age difference and managed just fine.

And I could always say to "official people" that the pregnancy was a lucky accident.

Given that I can actually get pregnant. Statistically Tiny could have been the exception that makes the rule.

Another attempt aka. Stitching Goals 2014

I plan of having stitching goals for next year. Hope springs eternal, at least, and that should be a good starting point on my record breaking attempt to make some stitches. *grin*

I am not going to set huge goals for coming year, just try to stitch something, if it's just one project and few stitches, every month.
My Crazy January Challenge 2013 projects will also become my CJC 2014 goals as I managed to start most of them, but then... thyroid and personal issues took my mojo, concentration and such away.

My thyroid medication's dosage is now lower than it was this time last year, so I can see the reason behind being in fog last 2 years: rapid changes in thyroid hormone levels. First upupup and then they started to go down all the sudden and it took time for me to realize that.

And I must admit that all this breaking up, leaving my child's father, moving, dating and trying to suppress my feelings in order to survive has been quite hard.
But all things take their time... now I have plans for years to come, though I have to admit that I still need to figure out practical problems related to wanting to have more kids... as I am not quite sure do I really want a relationship, or need one. But kids... life's sometimes rather complicated.

Trying to stitch my WIPs away is also a goal of mine as at this moment, at least six months I am on REALLY tight budget. Shortly put I grew up and started to pay off the stupidity of youth (cost of love for a naïve idiot like me, I might say).

If I have learned something it is that one should never let love go before fiscal sensibility or responsibilities. (And being nasty b**ch I also say that if Ex-the-2nd would pay me all he owes me, I'd be in no trouble as I could pay myself free right there. Yup.)

Not like we are living like kings here, but it's surprising how little money you really need on necessities when you make a budget. Or how much extra there is in small income. (To give some perspective we live in poverty by local definition. And I find it kind of hilarious.)

But that's that.

So, my stitching goals for 2014 are

• Stitch something every month, even it is just few stitches.
• Work on my Crazy January Challenge pieces.
• If possible, reduce the amount of WIPs I have.
• Arrange my stitching stash.

Four goals and quite manageable I think. Let's see how it all goes.

Things, they are a-changing... SECRETS!

The reason for my absence from online world is small, but still great.

The reason has made my thyroid values to drop, drop, drop, regardless that I take higher doses than ever before.

But it is all worth it. Thousand times worth it.

Only few people can see this post. You are the ones who I trust to keep your mouths shut everywhere else as this is still a secret in FB or in the forums I frequent(ed). And probably will remain one few months.

Writer's Block: Kids or child-free?

1. First of all I, being blue meanie and everything, find the term "choose to have children" disturbing as whether you have children or not in the end is basically something you can not choose (as you never know are you physically able to have them even if you want them, right? Nor you can prevent yourself getting pregnant/ making someone pregnant by "accident" as that does happen - it also happens that people don't notice things early etc., you get my point).
   Personally I see children as an extremely precious gift and I wish and pray to have them.

   I realized that I would do anything to have children when I was 18 and got PCOS diagnose and the doctor basically told me that PCOS women can't get pregnant naturally, or any other way (neither of them true) - before that I had never even thought about having or not having children (like I never actually thought of getting married before I was proposed when I was 19 - my ex and I were engaged, but I never thought that I would marry him some day. I guess you could say now that it tells more than I would like to admit about my subconscious mind back then *grin*).

2. Honestly... IF you are in a relationship you do NOT decide something like that yourself. Basically such thing should, in an adult relationship, be decided as early in the relationship as possible by both parties.

   When it comes to us it was obvious for both of us from the beginning of things that we want to have children and this was therefore decided before we even got into a relationship.

Ok, I know that some people think that Finland = Russia, but this is a bit too much... being in Bulgaria in WP's opinion.

...and the kids in this neighbourhood

...are still brats without no sense of manners. (I can name one of my neigbours whose kids have never been a problem to me. Or rather to whom I am not problem to... I know I am not like their parents, so? I don't have four arms nor I am have green skin... I really don't get it. Maybe I just have an invisible Oddball tattoo in my forehead. )

And to make it even more fun my new Hebrew book (Masa had an accident *ahem* with the old one) hasn't arrived to the bookstore yet even its delivery estimation was 1-2 weeks and it's almost three weeks since I ordered (and paid) it.

But The Best Thing today was...

I got mail from Leena (who had cunningly mentioned last week that she had sent something - that is so evil, don't you think? *grin*)!

She sent me one of the JCS issues I was drooling over and two Cross Stitchers (they contain Violarium's ads with image of some PD's design (admittedly it feels good to see my designs in an ad in a magazine such well known)), which, surprisingly, actually have couple of designs I might even stitch - there's a design from Ink Circles in JCS and that is a must-do.

Off to do the laundry, prepare my dinner and refresh my Hebrew skills...

Nesting?

To clarify my entry from last night I think I've to tell part of my life story.

This is not new feeling for me, in that sense. I've wanted kids since I got PCOS diagnose in 2nd of August, 1997 - I had just turned 18 about month before it. (Before it I never had opinion about that and kids were never part of my future plans.) So, in certain sense I've had urge of nesting from that moment - though I've always been "nest maker", it runs in the family.

And I've been ready to get pregnant since spring 2000 - and one of my sorrows is that if I were completely healthy I'd have ~5 year old child. That may be one reason for my spring blues, as every spring I remember that I don't have my child.
It haven't been as great loss in about two years as I haven't been in committed enough relationship to worry, but I tell you that we both grieved in our own ways every spring about that child we never had - when I was married to Dan, that is.
And in certain sense it caused certain clashes between us. As it was, and it is huge mental strain for me.

There have been phases in my life when I couldn't even enjoy making love with man I loved most because I hated my infertile body and it's inability to give a child.
There has been phase when I buried my child every month, in fact every morning when I woke up. It feels like knowing that someone has kidnapped your children and you don't know can you ever see them again - or like going to your children's funeral every day, as my children died every day when I woke up.

I can honestly say it's about going to Hell and back when you get infertility crisis, and I would never wish this to anyone... but then, I think no one does.

Anyway, my point was that this sensation I have had some is not nesting, it's much stronger feeling. And that's what makes it odd. I'm practical person when it comes to this sort of things and I dislike feeling being not able to control myself.

Though... I kind of have plan B, in case I'm single in next year (and plan B is single). But there are so many variables that I prefer not to put my hope on that.

To be honest, in the end I don't give a damn does it affect to my relationship possibilities if I become a single mother. I'm evil enough to survive, and I'm evil enough not to care about someone who doesn't want to accept me as I am. Though I never have had, but I've had difficulties to realize it myself before lately.

497

One more reason to dislike spring... It seems to me that every spring my body prepares to make a copy of itself, or at least it has an urge to do so.
About a month and a half (or a bit longer, I really can't recall) I've had this odd thought of making something for a child. To a child I don't have, and who I wont have in years with latest odds.

In certain sense I'm afraid that if I stitch something it'll be bad omen. And what if I never get kids?
To be honest that thought is much more scary than thought of not finding lasting relationship - which is really odd when you're talking about me as I'm so called relationship person (Even I'm QA) - hard to guess from a person who got married when she was 19?

I don't know have my (apparently) stabilized hormones something to do with this (I'd say it's very likely so), but it has never felt like I feel now. I've had similar feelings years ago when I left birth control pills, but after it nothing even close to it, and it was not this intense feeling...

I've to say that idea of being a single mother has never been very fascinating, but lately my opinions have changed. Who says that I can't enjoy family life if I don't have a man on my side? I don't really want to give that much power to anyone when it comes to my life and my dreams.
If there aren't males who can take me as I am does it have to mean that I've to live childless life? I don't really think so.

But the problem is... my PCOs. And fact of wanting relatively good genes for the child so I just can't pick up some random bystander... Not to mention it'd be against my principles anyway.

Kids, once again.

Few neighbourhood's kids are playing down below on the yard, I saw them from window while I was going to kitchen to make my morning coffee, and I noticed interesting thing in me.
They made me smile. This warm sensation came into my heart, this knowledge that I want to have a family. (And of course I've been thinking about Sonnenschein since... even I promised myself not to think about him today. Yes, I mope. )

Not today, but sooner or later.

This is quite odd in that sense that it doesn't hurt to think about kids. I haven't got happy thoughts about kids since... I don't even remember. Usually they have to do with "*sigh* I'd like to become a mom but this friggin' syndrome..."