Nesting?

To clarify my entry from last night I think I've to tell part of my life story.

This is not new feeling for me, in that sense. I've wanted kids since I got PCOS diagnose in 2nd of August, 1997 - I had just turned 18 about month before it. (Before it I never had opinion about that and kids were never part of my future plans.) So, in certain sense I've had urge of nesting from that moment - though I've always been "nest maker", it runs in the family.

And I've been ready to get pregnant since spring 2000 - and one of my sorrows is that if I were completely healthy I'd have ~5 year old child. That may be one reason for my spring blues, as every spring I remember that I don't have my child.
It haven't been as great loss in about two years as I haven't been in committed enough relationship to worry, but I tell you that we both grieved in our own ways every spring about that child we never had - when I was married to Dan, that is.
And in certain sense it caused certain clashes between us. As it was, and it is huge mental strain for me.

There have been phases in my life when I couldn't even enjoy making love with man I loved most because I hated my infertile body and it's inability to give a child.
There has been phase when I buried my child every month, in fact every morning when I woke up. It feels like knowing that someone has kidnapped your children and you don't know can you ever see them again - or like going to your children's funeral every day, as my children died every day when I woke up.

I can honestly say it's about going to Hell and back when you get infertility crisis, and I would never wish this to anyone... but then, I think no one does.

Anyway, my point was that this sensation I have had some is not nesting, it's much stronger feeling. And that's what makes it odd. I'm practical person when it comes to this sort of things and I dislike feeling being not able to control myself.

Though... I kind of have plan B, in case I'm single in next year (and plan B is single). But there are so many variables that I prefer not to put my hope on that.

To be honest, in the end I don't give a damn does it affect to my relationship possibilities if I become a single mother. I'm evil enough to survive, and I'm evil enough not to care about someone who doesn't want to accept me as I am. Though I never have had, but I've had difficulties to realize it myself before lately.