On singledom

I have been single almost four years now and either I have become even more cynical than I used to be or people have got way weirder since I was single last time. Or maybe it's me (getting way weirder than I used to be).

Or that little funny fact that nowadays I demand more. Much more. I don't ask for looks, (look where it got me last time *grin*,) but I'm just looking for someone with a good head on their shoulders. You know, those people are insanely hard to come by. At least for an introverted single parent.

Some people could say that it's more difficult to date with a child. I don't agree. First of all at this age quite many people have kids so they should understand how the whole thing goes with kids, and then I don't think it would be too much to ask for an adult to understand the basics of how little people affect to one's life - and accept the fact that people in certain age range quite often have kids. I know I did, not 100 %, but I did - and I have never been much of a child type anyway (aside wanting my own).
And for some weird reason when Tiny was just a baby it was easier to get on the date level. Maybe it was "separated" status that was much more attractive than "divorced" - as of course life is easier with someone who is in middle of a divorce, yup. *grin*

What makes me wonder is that those people who should be adult by any standard act like teens or little kids. Those people who can't simply live with word "no" or can't wait for your reply for one day without having some kind of hissy fit. It's hilarious, but also very worrying.

Sometimes it's good to be a misanthrope.

Still, it would be nice to have someone to share one's life with. Someone who'd also give Tiny that father figure he never has had.

Remember this?

Well, it seems that if nothing else we'll have something in common: adult play dates at my place. *grin*

We have been talking at Facebook occasionally as we have both been incredibly busy, but last two nights our conversations have been such that physical relationship between us can't be avoided. And well, why should it?

I have started to feel amazingly amazing thanks to our conversations - and that's a lot after all that complaining and bitching Mr. Formerly Wonderful did. Not to mention how incredibly unsexy and insane he made me feel...

And all the sudden I am called sexy, hot, intelligent, good mother and so on. By someone who has met me. By someone who has followed me on FB for couple of months.

It doesn't sound like a big deal, I know, but after everything Mr. Ex-W. said, did, left unsaid and undone it is a lot.
All the sudden I am not that lazy ass, fat, lying, messy and unreasonable bitch, but someone who has brains and soul, and a body to desire. Body with all that excess fat and drooping breasts, with stretch marks and dry skin. Body that is beautiful regardless.

And I am taking the leap of faith again, because I need that now. Even if nothing comes out of it, but reminding me how wonderful I am.

And my body needs to be touched again, after such a long time.

Alive and well

They say you should never compare people so I won't, but let's just say that this life has taught me many things and one of them is value of a man who calls you when he is late and tells you why he is late even when you are not asking.

Those tiny things, those tiny things which say "I love you" louder than anything else.

I may have said it before, but I say it anyway: it was really worth every second to be single so long before Mr. Wonderful found me. And soon we have been together as long as I was waiting for Him.

So...

Everything is well, I am not, but that is normal anyway. *grin*

I have even been stitching lately, not much or quickly, but I am loving every minute spent stitching over one on 36 count linen. I have missed that. Maybe I even give you some stitchy content some day again. o.O

So, I am off to stitch again! Have to keep my mojo going now that I have found it again!

1717: "If to love you is to die/ Then let me die a thousand times"

I once read that love is not that feeling when you can't live without someone, but when your life would be good without the person you share your life with, but the person you share your life with brings some pizzaz to your life.
I have come to understand that notion during the last few years.

Admittedly I have never been good in clinging in anyone (I am physically clingy, sometimes emotionally too, but I know when it's time to let go) so the basics have always been there. Probably I am just too lazy to waste my energy to someone who doesn't want to/ can't be with me.

I have given quite much thought for love as an aspect and on how love reflects into my life lately...

The main reasons for that are the truce with Sonnenschein, the SMS I got from Wolfie in New Year's Day and a conversation I had with mr. X (remember the guy I had a crush on about a year ago?) - mainly the two latter ones.
The SMS just told me what I knew and showed to me that I have traveled far since The City of Angels (the funny thing is that we both still love each other about as much as we used to - we are too alike, and probably we are only ones who can actually understand that fact about the two of us).
The chat with mr. X. was confusing in its way, but eventually I think I know what it told me... mr. X. ran away because he was scared of me and what he felt for me, and scared for those feelings I had for him. It's saddening, but it's not something I could change.

Wolf called me a paradox once "because you are as beautiful as you are intelligent" (for clarification: he considers me as a very intelligent person (that alone proves that there's something in wrong with him, right? *grin*)) and mr. X. surprised me by saying that I have both internal and external beauty - it was surprising because last time I "talked" to him we argued quite badly.
And those lead me, for about the thousand time, wonder what in me causes my singledom? As it seems to me that most who have seen who I really am run away, but still consider me as someone wonderful, someone good. Once again I wonder can it really be so scary to actually be kind-hearted and honest... and depraved as heck.

I have also come to wonder if love is anything else than a form of happiness, an illusion created by feeling good. (I am not saying that it would degrade love in any way if it is so, as I find it only naturally egoistic to keep those people close to us who provide us the feeling of happiness.)
If you think of it, you feel like being in love if you have a good time, the weather is nice and everything seems to go your way - even if you weren't in love, at least in conscious level. And even if you were in love you may not feel like it when the mailman bites your dog and neighbour's roses stomp on your kids... or was it vice versa? Anyway... in the days when nothing seems to work you may also lose the loving feeling.
What if it is lost just because you are not happy in that particular day? Known fact is that relationships tend to break during hardships, i.e. during times when you confront so many hardships during certain period that you just don't have room or time for happiness.

If I just could understand it all....

The Hole

Honestly speaking... there is a huge hole in my life and the hole is called Love, or rather lack f it.

After I have fell into this so called normal life I have had the feeling of having one piece missing from the puzzle. That piece which has the detail that makes the image whole, even the lack of it doesn't distort the image enough to make it unrecognisable. You just know that there is something missing.

Hence I am getting back to the dating scene. On that threatening, stormy sea which has the paradise island in it, somewhere - I just have lost the map.

I can live alone, but I don't want to. I have no problems to live in celibacy, but I can't say that it does not bother me as sexuality and sensuality, even they are different aspects, walk hand in hand and someone as overflowingly sensual like I am can't stand the situation where she can't be who she is.
I want to be loved, I want to love... even more important: I want to know that there is someone whose company I love no matter how much time I spend with him. I want to have someone to have heated discussions with, someone with whom to be just as childishly silly as I can be.
I want someone to touch...

But still I don't want to end up in a relationship just to be normal or just to prevent being alone/ in celibacy/ unloved (and then, there are people who love me, but who have chosen not to be with me).

Life is really so very odd sometimes.

What if I weren't myself?

I have probably wondered about this issue before, but it has been on my mind lately and a short chat with N. brought it so close to the surface that I can't stop thinking of it.

People often wonder why someone like me is single, I have heard that I am the ultimate woman (which is interesting knowing that he knew that I classify myself as a female androgyne - I believe what he said though and I know he meant it) and all that... I don't doubt a moment that they meant what they said. Which probably makes it even harder...

As I can't understand how someone who seems to be close to perfection (based on the peer feedback (I can list "few" flaws in myself very easily - I'm far from perfect)) in eyes of many just can't find what she's looking for - or when she finds it can't keep it.

Maybe it's the claimed perfection being too scary, maybe it's the claimed perfection which is so imperfect in me that I alienate even those I could love or who care for me.
It can't be the looks of me as I know that even I am not what is, acclaimedly, generally considered as hot I am it and much more... maybe it's the looks and intellect combo which intimidates people, but I can't change who I am - and I don't want to.
Maybe I am just too depraved to be actually be interesting even though I know that my level of kinkiness would keep most people entertained for the rest of their lives... that I am the dirty dream of most straight/bi/whatever men.

Thoughts have their own merry-go-round in my head and they make me dizzy. They also make me sad, because I can't find the answer to my questions, because things got blurrier the more I think of them.

Maybe there's nothing in wrong with me, maybe it is the world which is crazy. Maybe it's my karma or maybe I am just so absolutely impossible... I'd love to know what is in wrong with me or the Universe.

One Finnish poet has written along the lines there's nothing which makes you such a beast than lack of touch. I have always agreed with him, I still do.
I can live without love as long as there's no one intriguing enough, I can live without sex as long as I am not in love, but, no matter how hard I try I can't learn out of craving human touch.

And good FWBs are hard to come by... to be honest I would be happy with just a cuddling buddy, someone to sleep with, someone to watch movies with and lay my head on his lap... as that is what I miss more than anything else.
This makes me wonder how hard the last winter had been if I hadn't had N. around, if I could not have felt like home even couple of times per month, without being hold when I slept. Without having the chance to forget everything every once in a while...

I could use that chance again as, no matter how good thing this asthma may be for me in the end, I want to forget my failing health for a while, and I want to forget the loneliness of the skin. (It's odd how you can be alone and not be lonely, but your skin can't stand being alone...)
I just want few stolen moments to keep me sane.

Greetings from the Land of Ouch

Monochromatic item is finished and ready to be mailed and my mother borrowed me some money so I can get HH to the vet if her ear looks bad tomorrow (if the vet has time - though there is another vet in the vicinity..). Money, which I will pay back when I can. Maybe I could transfer my ADSL bill to be paid in end of June instead of... whenever (it should come any day now) and pay some back to her.

Still, all this means that I have to think carefully every single thing I buy, every single thing I eat.

In the way it's good that I don't have much of an appetite at the moment. It's easier to eat cheap when you don't care of what you actually eat because you eat only just to keep on going.

On another matter

It's rather silly.
Few days ago I swore to myself that I won't be bothered by men before autumn and, of course, someone asked me out today.

No, I won't go. The guy was tediously boring. Which made it even worse was that he assumed that I can't see what he was after. I knew he'd ask me out sooner or later after his second sentence. (He also proved, once again, that most Finnish men just don't get me. They don't understand a word I say even we speak the same language.)

You know, this is the third time I swear I will stay away from men for some time... First time I met Dan two weeks after deciding staying single until I am 24 (I separated when I was still 24, by the way), and second time I met Wolfie about two weeks after swearing that I will stay single next six months. (Do you see a pattern here?)
Apparently I think that third time is a charm, and, it either proves my point or doesn't.

The reason which lead me to this is that dating game is too harsh for little me and I need some time to just sit at the bench and look at others playing it. Maybe gain few acquintances, maybe a friend or two on the way... And come back to the field when the evenings become chilly. Come back when I am sure, when I have strength. When I have lived whole summer alone, first one in a decade or so. (I am a habitual relationship person. I seem to always find someone when I really want, even if it's not good for me.)

This is also a decision of healing soul. I have got my monster dreams back, and in my case those are always a good sign. Last nights I have been hanging out with werewolves (I know where that leads to) and fighting with vampires. Vampires which aren't afraid of cross, but stumble away when you recite Shma. And I know what that is saying to me... (but, more about that elsewhere, later.)

But, I hadn't bought this if I didn't had no faith in remarrying some day. With whom and when is the open question.

אֲנִי לְדוֹדִי וְדוֹדִי לִי aka. What's all this then?!

Could someone tell me why I got this odd, uncontrollable urge to buy this in last night?! (For those of you who don't read Hebrew: אֲנִי לְדוֹדִי וְדוֹדִי לִי equals 'Ani l'dodi v'dodi li' which equals 'I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine' (note to self: interesting little linky).)

[Digress] I have just got in the phase of actually enjoying being single and I have absolutely no one in my life. I am not even interested of anyone at this moment (it's simpler that way) and here I am buying a wedding sampler (which, admittedly, has been in my wish list for a while).
(... not to mention few other current "limitations".)

Have I lost my mind?!
First there was Something Blue... and now this... what's next? I begin to plan huge princess wedding just in case? (I am not princess wedding type at all (as you may have noticed) - if it would happen that I'd met a man who'd like to have big wedding I'd probably wear simple crimson dress (with corset, probably *evil grin*) or something... Do you know that traditionally Finnish wedding dresses were actually black?)[/Digress]

Now, my vision: stitched with shades of crimson, and little touch of gold (ie. metallics) on something completely different than 18 count aida, and I would modify the design a bit (ie. leave some parts unstitched).

Still... I don't understand why I had to get it now.

Ah...

Before I forget, update on a date: it has been proved that I am good guy type. You know, all that you are nice, intelligent, cute and all, but... yadda.
So, next victim wanted.

If you begin to think of...

...men in my life in any degree during last four months:

1st got freaked out by the fact that I had feelings for him.
2nd realised that I am an evil bitch because I want to have man who proves his intellect with his behaviour.
3rd got freaked out because he was falling in love with me, according to him that is (I still do think that I was too kinky to his taste).
4th said he misses me, but did not behave according to it (I believe in emails more often than once a week or so if one actually misses me..).
5th decided to judge me without knowing what I actually want or am.

I am beginning to think that I have some invisible stigma or a really bad karma. And I remember that I have felt like this before, wondering what the heck is wrong with this world or in me...
Though, there are days when I am happy that I am not committed to anyone - but there are also those days when I really need someone who believes in me, someone who loves me either because who I am or despite of who I am.

I have always believed that lack of touch can kill you. At least it drives you insane and makes you bitter.

Exes, a threat?

I have been wondering this last three years (when ever I have had time to be single ) and I still haven't found the answer:

What makes it so dangerous that I don't hate any of my exes (I can't say I always understand them, but I surely don't hate them)? Why majority of men seem to find it as a threat? (Remember, majority.)

I know, one of the common excuses is They are afraid that you return back to $EX...

I said excuse and I meant it.
It is nothing but one. It usually is all about their low self-esteem, not believing that they could have and hold me because they aren't something called good-enough. Which makes it interesting... they make me run away because I don't want a man with low self-esteem and because they express distrust towards me and my moral fibre.
So, in certain sense they make their fears true. They prove being not good enough or at least not someone I want to be with.

And, the question I have sometimes asked: if your exes aren't an issue to me why mine should be to you?
I am closing to my thirties, I can't except that my counterpart has no experience (honestly speaking... I prefer them experienced (in many areas *cough*) - divorced is always good *grin* (because, based on experience, having some depth and understanding is more common in divorcees...)), so, why the heck some people seem to expect that someone who is almost 28 would have none..? Or should have none...
I find that way of thinking odd.

If one finds my personality fascinating one should also remember that my exes have been there moulding me as I am as they are my past and my past is part of my life. Life, which has made me who I am, which has made me that person I am. That person who one finds interesting - though it seems that most find me intimidating rather than interesting.

The question is: Why?

It's actually possible to have proud moments considering one's singledom.

Firstly, I noticed that I really am depraved, shallow big, blue meanie, but I love myself nevertheless. (And honestly speaking I don't consider it shallow to be honest with myself considering my preferences on male physiology.)

Secondly I found a question most people should ask from themselves. That question is Why?
Usually the question is What?: What are you looking for? What am I looking for?. And we never ask Why are we looking? What do we want to gain? What we can't have/ experience without SO?

As fact is that some, most, people are looking for a relationship just because it's how it's supposed to be, not because they actually know what they want to gain.

I know, using word gain sounds terribly egocentric, but let's be honest with ourselves here... Take me for example. I admit that I need a muse, critic, supporter, father to my kids, lover, my best friend, believer, someone to cuddle with, someone to lift my feet off the ground... It's like a kid making a wish list for one's birthday or Christmas. I want this and that and those!... and those and...
So, let's face it: We all have our ulterior motives, we don't want to be in a relationship out of our good heart and we aren't looking for a relationship just because we want to benefit human kind. We do it for ourselves, we want it because there are things which just are better shared and because there are things only someone else can give us.

You can love person and never be with one or you can be with one person your whole life and never love one, so it is not about love. It'd be great to say that we would do things out of love and just to benefit human kind... we don't, but it doesn't degrade the worth of love or a good relationship.
The thing just is that it's easier to be contended when you accept the facts.

Would you believe that person who wrote this is incurable romantic? Better do, I am.

What bothers me most...

...in this dating game is the fact that I am just another pretty face. No matter who I really am, no matter what kind of personality I have or how intelligent I am only thing which seems to be important in me is the way I look.

Sometimes it's a burden to have a cute face. This is one of those phases.
And moments like this make me really miss certain someone. Someone I met 364 days (364 days, 15 hours - and they say I have odd memory?) ago, someone whom I "lost" almost nine months ago... I miss him because he loved me for the right reasons, because he saw my worth... because he still seems to think that I am someone wonderful... (Admittedly that is bittersweet... we don't hate each other, but respect, and in some odd way even adore...)

I know, good things etc. come when their time is, but I can't help feeling sad because of people are what they are - or that my personality type is so rare (2%< of whole population) that only few understand it... nor love me because of it.
Sometimes I think have I already used my quota for this life...

As I have said, one of the reasons why I'd love to find one of those precious jewels is that I need a muse. In addition to muse I need a critic, supporter (mentally)... and someone who smiles at me when I wake up just because I am best thing in his life... *deep sigh*

1198: sort of X-rated thoughts - once again

Hereby I decide that I have been judged to be too depraved to be worth of being in contact with or even less to be considered as a possible partner anymore. (And there was much rejoicing. *grin*)
I have not heard from that person in almost a week now and even I am a bit simple I am able to draw a conclusion between my last email and his sudden disappearance.

I find it fascinating though how person who says that he's sexually open can find something so trivial to be too much... or maybe, maybe it was once again the fact that I am sweet and depraved. People seem to find it disturbing when someone is cute and sexy, and apparently it also applies with being sweet and depraved. It just provides too much of a contrast in one person.

In the end it's better this way, as he saved the bother of me ending it with the regular I think we are too different yadda-yadda.
Though that would have been true: I seem to be incompatible with men who aren't at least as non-vanilla I am (even though I don't find myself kinky in any way, which is rather odd based on facts). And based on experience it is even better in man is deeper in that swamp than I as they are less judgemental and I get to try new things.

Now... the problem is where to find one suitable (intelligent) example to have and to hold..? And who would actually want to/ could be with me.

Singledom is interesting form of art. Not to mention that it is awfully tiring and uninspiring.

Take a blog. Sprinkle some X-rated content over it...

One complains how she is single, but I am also getting the picture of my pickiness.
I really seem to demand a lot... but I can't help it that when man says that one form of penetration is out of the question because of his issues (if he is 100% straight let him be, but why I can't be that depraved pervert I am if I choose him?) it is a real turn off. I just don't want to eat oatmeal for the rest of my life... I don't want to make love just to have kids. If my soul and heart love I need to be able to enjoy also the physical form wholeheartedly.

Talking of men... I confessed my crush to mr. X yesterday, and even I thought it would have made things easier (though in certain way it did) it didn't as his answer was not really no nor yes, but something from between... and in light of recent incident he still has something to keep his status in my head: I do like a man who is not complete vanilla...
Though there are certain somewhat negative aspects in him too.

Life would be easier if it was simple.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I think it would be easier for me to be a man as apparently intelligent, overly sexual, extremely sensitive woman is not a being fit for living... she is just too perfect to live, or too depraved to live. Or too something to live.

/me dislikes the situation she is in.

Construction manual...

Sometimes I could marry myself, or rather: sometimes it feels that I am only one I don't scare off with being me and hence I should marry myself.
Admittedly there are those I haven't scared off (actually I have been thinking of an entry about kindred souls and the other view(s) for those for some time... I just need to find the words to be able to write what I want to say), but still the problem remains... they may love me, respect me, and they, or some of them, may actually still think that I am like every woman should be (I have read these exact words not so long ago), but for reason or millionth we haven't been able to make it. Anyway...
In certain sense being single, pulling different doors gives me quite much. At least it makes me think... Excerpt from one email I wrote:

On building the houses...

Lately I have been thinking quite much about relationships, dos and don'ts, the differences, the similarities and what is the secret to make it work.
I am still looking for the answers (and probably won't never cease to look for them - it comes with my character), and admittedly I have confronted surprising things in me.

- - -

I read yesterday a sentence with which I agree: you don't fall in love, you grow in it.
Love, like relationships is/are like a house. Little things are the cement which keeps the tiles together. Those little things define will the house stay put when storms come or will it fall to pieces.
Roof maybe ripped off, windows may break, but if the walls are still up nothing is lost. If the residents are willing to take the time and fix the house they once built.

I want to build those walls to last. I want to build those walls sturdy. I want to know that they will stay put when storms hit.
I am tired of drama, I am tired of falling in and out of love, I am tired to have no one to share my life with.
I want to have it all, but I also want to have it good. I want to love the house after living in it 20 years, too.

G-d gives us the possibility to build houses which last, but he also gave us free will which leads to the fact that most people build their houses from sticks on bare ground.
Every day is a new sheet, everyday we have the chance, and every day we make the decisions which will affect on our future. I once built houses on bare ground, from sticks. Since then I have learnt that it does not work.

Nowadays I want to build the house on solid ground, mold good foundation and use only the best cement and tiles to build the walls. Sometimes I doubt myself, but I know it is the only way... sometimes it is lonely to be one of the few who want to build the house to last.
I have built and demolished too many houses during my lifetime and I would love to finally take the time to build the last house I will ever live in, build it with respect, patience, love, honesty and all the good things... I know there will be few hits to my fingers while hitting the nails and there will be some minor arguments on choosing the wallpaper, but it is life.

I just want to live silent, peaceful, everyday life in a house I have built with someone special.

Can you say that I am getting fed up with dating game? Or that I would love to have someone to gush about my artistic endeavours..? Or just to have the grey everyday life... And what's funny... it hasn't been even eight months and it feels like eight years.
I just can hope that it gets easier when spring comes... or that I get lucky. Really lucky.

What else is not new?

I find it rather funny that some "men", when you tell them you are not interested after getting to know them a bit better, spit poison on you... and just prove that they are not men, just boys trying to prove their manhood.
Last incident of that sort happened today when I courteously let the guy know that as he does not read what I write and does not seem to speak same version of English I speak I don't think it would work. He decided to, in all his manhood (), call me a bitch. I know I am a bitch, but what he doesn't know is that I am not bitch to those who are worth something else...

Fortunately I do know that there are also those who really are men. They just happen to be rare and therefore precious jewels.

Biscornu high, life low

Let me tell you... the biscornu I'm stitching for TRN's Biscornu Exchange is going to be a real babe.
Stitched with luscious burgundy DMC on wonderful hand-dyed Belfast linen from Silkweaver, design being one of my latest brain blurbs (exchanges are wonderful way to combine models and having fun)... all this equals The Biscornu.

Anyway

I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep after this rather sh*tty day, and I remembered something I said in autumn: "coming winter will be hard one".
It is, it has been, and it'll be. And I see things happening, things which happened last year at the same time... that makes me hopeless at present, it gives me hope for better in spring, that makes me be afraid of the summer. (And still, if I could be loved like that... I might do it just for the sake of it.)
I also realised how good it was for me to have N. around, and I miss having someone like him in my life. I miss being hold when I fall asleep, being adored, having someone around, even if it was only few days per month, even if it wasn't a relationship.

But FWBs are like relationships, good ones are difficult to come by. And even I can see the good sides in being single I have moments when I hate and despise it more than anything... moments when I really doubt that I'm asking Moon from the sky.

UM and past

999: On single editions

I realised something yesterday. I've been single over five months (that is some kind of a record for me). And I'm quite afraid I'll stay single quite a while still.
It's not that there weren't willing victims, I'm actually having momentary attacks of disliking being me because most men notice just the cute face...
I think I haven't told you that I've hit my claws to online dating? Suitable way for introverted person who loves good conversations, someone like me. Though, during past months I've met only one man with whom there really has been anything going on, and he is/was N. And, for some reason it feels that finding a friend trough that world kind of defies the purpose (though friends are always better than bad lovers).

Anyway, you'd think that it wouldn't be too difficult for an intelligent, cute woman, with willingness to get committed and populate the Earth, in her late twenties to find an intelligent man with personality to match, who doesn't do drugs, drink(s seldom) nor smoke, who is able to actually write English and knows how to treat a lady.
But it is. One of the disadvantages of being me is the fact that, for some freaky reason, most even distantly suitable men live in States, and little me lives almost in Russia.
I can understand them though. In certain sense it's form of self-torture to get oneself interested of someone who lives half a world away. (Though sometimes it's is worth it...)
And no, Finnish men don't seem to be an option. They run away from a woman who's proud to be what she is, who's not asking for forgiveness because she is who she is, because she doesn't just want to be part of the household equipments. And, heaven help me, in addition to being proud and intelligent I'm BBW, which seems to be something dreadful around here (according to N. Finnish men just lack taste *grin*). If I ever have felt like a stranger in my own country it's nowadays....

What actually made me write this entry is that during last week or so I've "met" two men who'd in theory be suitable material, but there's that famous but... One likes weed, other... don't know.
And I'm wondering am I asking too much, have I got too picky, even the little voice of reason tells me that I'm doing it just right. That if it doesn't click, or even if it does there are things to think about, and principles to follow.

I really don't know. I know what I want, I know what is my worth... but sometimes I doubt myself. But one's got to believe.