Construction manual...

Sometimes I could marry myself, or rather: sometimes it feels that I am only one I don't scare off with being me and hence I should marry myself.
Admittedly there are those I haven't scared off (actually I have been thinking of an entry about kindred souls and the other view(s) for those for some time... I just need to find the words to be able to write what I want to say), but still the problem remains... they may love me, respect me, and they, or some of them, may actually still think that I am like every woman should be (I have read these exact words not so long ago), but for reason or millionth we haven't been able to make it. Anyway...
In certain sense being single, pulling different doors gives me quite much. At least it makes me think... Excerpt from one email I wrote:

On building the houses...

Lately I have been thinking quite much about relationships, dos and don'ts, the differences, the similarities and what is the secret to make it work.
I am still looking for the answers (and probably won't never cease to look for them - it comes with my character), and admittedly I have confronted surprising things in me.

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I read yesterday a sentence with which I agree: you don't fall in love, you grow in it.
Love, like relationships is/are like a house. Little things are the cement which keeps the tiles together. Those little things define will the house stay put when storms come or will it fall to pieces.
Roof maybe ripped off, windows may break, but if the walls are still up nothing is lost. If the residents are willing to take the time and fix the house they once built.

I want to build those walls to last. I want to build those walls sturdy. I want to know that they will stay put when storms hit.
I am tired of drama, I am tired of falling in and out of love, I am tired to have no one to share my life with.
I want to have it all, but I also want to have it good. I want to love the house after living in it 20 years, too.

G-d gives us the possibility to build houses which last, but he also gave us free will which leads to the fact that most people build their houses from sticks on bare ground.
Every day is a new sheet, everyday we have the chance, and every day we make the decisions which will affect on our future. I once built houses on bare ground, from sticks. Since then I have learnt that it does not work.

Nowadays I want to build the house on solid ground, mold good foundation and use only the best cement and tiles to build the walls. Sometimes I doubt myself, but I know it is the only way... sometimes it is lonely to be one of the few who want to build the house to last.
I have built and demolished too many houses during my lifetime and I would love to finally take the time to build the last house I will ever live in, build it with respect, patience, love, honesty and all the good things... I know there will be few hits to my fingers while hitting the nails and there will be some minor arguments on choosing the wallpaper, but it is life.

I just want to live silent, peaceful, everyday life in a house I have built with someone special.

Can you say that I am getting fed up with dating game? Or that I would love to have someone to gush about my artistic endeavours..? Or just to have the grey everyday life... And what's funny... it hasn't been even eight months and it feels like eight years.
I just can hope that it gets easier when spring comes... or that I get lucky. Really lucky.