Blast from the past

Someone commented to the first entry of my little blog yesterday and that got me into reading my divorce related entries again (well, it was after 1 am and I didn't want to sleep because my Darling is not there by my side) and noticed interesting prediction: One thing seems to be sure for me. If I found someone someday, he wont be from this country. I do not know how I know it but I just do. For some reason..." (Editorial note: please excuse my appalling lack of grammar, my tenses suck even worse then than they do now.)

 

Since the separation I did not date one single Finn (went to a date with one Finnish man though (and even he had been born and raised elsewhere), didn't work - even I rather enjoyed it (some men just have so poor taste when it comes to women )), and then eventually was found by my Darling Husband and proved myself right for good.

I had fun while reading this entry: "I need someone stubborn enough, someone with his own free will. Someone strong and reliable, who keeps what he says... " as He really is like that. Two very stubborn parties in one relationship makes it sometimes quite interesting though.

And, of course, reading those old entries also made me appreciate the fact that ex-SIL is an ex as she would have harassed me SO badly about Mr. Wonderful (ref: this) and got into such levels with her questions which would have made me just feel plain disgusted and angry. (Remembering all the nauseating questions and comments she made when I was dating Abhi (who was/ is Indian) I would almost imagine that she would have got much worse about her questions and comments regarding my Wonderful (just knowing all the idiotic stereotypes some people have about black men..)).

Anyway I have been pleased to see that I really did achieve what I hoped for: I grew up, learned to love and appreaciate myself, and eventually found a good husband: Mr. Wonderful who is really a gift from G-d.

That's all folks, see you again some other day!

Happy...

...divorceversary snowprincipessa!

Anniversary

Happy Divorce Day to me! (And they say I am morbid, how is that possible?!)
Oh yes, I celebrate my divorce because it has been source of the person I am today. Not that I'd regret my marriage, I learnt much from it and I can't deny that Dan I had our moments.
But, I am happy I had the courage to say those two words; separation and divorce even though those were the hardest ones to date.

I didn't only avoid having wreck as a heart in my thirties I also found someone I love dearly: me.
It hasn't been an easy path and I didn't file for the divorce self-searching in mind (I may have listed the reasons or may not, but there was a long list of why-not-to-continues), I find it just nice addition as I really like the person have found in me.

So, Happy Divorce Day dear snowprincipessa. You really knew what was best for you.

And now, I am off to soak in sauna for a while and then I might slaughter rest of those rice flour crepes I did earlier today and continue with the model I am stitching.

When it comes to that said model... it was meant to be for my secret pal in Monochromatic Exchange (at SBEBB), but as the send-out is 15th of May I decided that it may be better to stitch my partner something else, something from some other designer. (I actually have couple of options in mind, I just may have to (oh my *grin*) shop at Sewandso.)
Why? To avoid that statistic oddity that my partner would purchase the design after the launch, before I have sent her piece.

And then... I am quite liking that model I am stitching. (It has been odd piece in a sense. I never have had a need to modify the chart while stitching (other than fix drawing errors - I do those), but I spent last night stitching it and redrawing parts of it.)

Last night I had 'interesting' experience. I was thinking about what went wrong in my marriage...
I realized that I never felt needed, almost everything was more important than I was - and when things finally changed I couldn't care less anymore...

For first time in my life I really felt physically sick because of sadness in me. But when I fell asleep I slept better than I have slept in ages. And I saw very interesting dream about one person... It confused me as I trust my dreams... but I am also quite happy because of that dream. Only time will tell how 'true' that one was.

The haze I have been living in this week is gone now. I feel good again. :)

Fourth week has begun. And I am happy.

It is done now. So many tears cried, so many memories gone trough again. Now only thing I want is go to bed and cry my eyes and heart out. I even consider selling my heart to someone. I don't want to feel this pain, I don't want to cry these tears.

But who said they'll ask me?

Here we go again...

I was going to bed and noticed that I have received a SMS. It was from 'Him':
'This is not fair. I already miss you. Maybe divorce is not the right solution for us, maybe we just need time and some space of our own.' I think I have to write him a letter and tell why it was impossible to love him. Once again. Maybe he gets it when he sees it written...

How to say to someone you have loved for years that you see no hope for us? Of course I know how to say it, it is just so friggin' hard to do...

So, once again I stay up and write. Once again I stay up and cry my eyes out. Once again I feel miserable... for not loving him.

I understand that it is not easy for him to understand my thoughts, but it is not easy for me to understand some of his actions during our relationship so...

Humans.

I have been single for a week and I am still alive. :) Days are easy but nights.. I don't miss 'Him', I just grave for intimacy/ cuddling. My small mattress is awfully big when night falls, my little bedroom is so huge.

Old problem and only one way to cure it. Few years back it was so easy to cure this feeling, just get a man for one night... but nowadays one night stands aren't my thing. I appreciate love even more now than I used to. Maybe I appreciate it even too much.

I promised to write more later so here am I. :)

It is rather funny to follow how do people react when they find out that I am now (almost officially) single. I knew this will come because humans are what they are. For some reason they think that everyone does things like they do.

Common opinion about me is that I were not serious about my marriage. Other very common opinion is that I have to be cold hearted bastard. Why? Because I am not crying my eyes out or committing a suicide because I am alone.

Fortunately there are few reasonable persons who don't question my reactions or choices - thank you all(, some of you read this blog, I know it. :). :)

Anyway, why should I be devastated? I choose this. And I usually try to take responsibility of that what I do.


Another funny thing I noticed today... For some reason in this week there has been a lot of guys who wanna marry me... Yes, paper marriage guys, visa hunters. I have noticed that they come in cycles. Bad sides of internet. Bad for them, as I usually don't treat those guys very well... ;)

And this heat (OK, 26 C ) is killing me... my brains have melted ages ago... :P So I'll be back ;)

Yes, I am drinking rum with cola and enjoying my first day alone. :) This is first completely sunny day in a month or so, btw. :) No rain, just sunshine.

My calfs are killing me but I am well otherwise. Maybe I talk more later, now I have to sit and relax. :)

...all of them idiots...

How shallow can human be?

I had a conversation with Him and He told what his friend had said to Him when He told we are going to divorce: 'You could find someone better...' Ok, maybe that is only that 'don't worry, there is plenty of fish in the sea' or, as He get it 'She is not good enough (too ugly) for you.' I also heard that one of my neighbors has said similar thing about me - even that one is just normal middle aged man (bad skin, overweight, redneck...). They have also assumed that we are together just for sex.

I got mad, He is too. Apparently some people are so shallow/ stupid that they really think that somebody can be with someone for six years only for sex. And if they think I am not attractive why do they think that? ;)

Fortunately I know the truth. And He agrees with it. 'You are beautiful. You can't be unattractive if I have always enjoyed to have sex with you and lived with you for so long.' :) That was nice thing to say. Maybe it don't sound like it but I know Him. That was compliment from Him. ;)

Funny thing is also that I hear almost daily that I am attractive. :)

Anyway, I am rather intelligent that attractive but... ;)

Apparently I can stop crying and start to laugh... This is getting hilarious. Now I am glad that I made that application.

...and now I have to remember if I meet someone interesting that his mom should be dead or at least she should live somewhere far away from here. :P

Love... like life is a bitch.

But why there is hate after love with some people? I don't hate him. I don't believe that. Hate destroys very easily.
Maybe I am naive but as far as I see it there can't be nothing worth to hate in him because I have loved him so much. And now my heart is aching because he apparently hates me... Why he does it? After all, and no matter what, these 5½ years were best in my life.

...at least I have learned something. Hopefully.

And no matter how naive I may sound but I still believe in love, I still believe in marriage. Why couldn't there be 'eternal' love and lasting marriage? At least that is my silly idealistic thought.

...maybe there is something wrong with me because I don't want to blame neither of us? He have done wrong, I have done wrong - but most fatal thing to us was mistrust. And when I told that to him - yes, it is my view, it isn't the whole truth - I was the meanest little liar in this universe. I was that cold hearted woman who never gave any tenderness to him - it was me who teach him to enjoy tenderness, at least he has said so...

HOw is it possible that every little oddity in me is now something awful and weird? Not so long time ago he loved those.

I can make only one decision... even he agreed that if I want to apply for divorce it is OK for him, it wasn't. After that he became crazy.

And made me awfully sad.

..and everything was fine until today.

And now I feel like shit. I have cried almost whole day... Now I am liar, hypocrite and cold person. We have been arguing by SMS whole day and I am finished.

I wouldn't never believe that a man who claims he still loves me can be so cruel to me. Maybe I am asshole, but generally I don't believe that.
Everything he has done wrong is my fault for some twisted reason. And when I say what I have done wrong he claims that I bathe in self pity. And after that he wants me to admit what I have done wrong... OMG! I just can't understand that man anymore.

...and I feel so bad....

I really did it! In fact I even surprised myself by doing it. And I have to say that it was hardest thing I have ever done - even I feel quite good now - and I really do hope that I don't need to fill divorce application never again.

So, in the beginning of February I will be free as a bird - as I have to wait six months and consider...:P

Even I promised that I consider our divorce after he moves away, it feels now that I would really like to do that now. But he isn't here and it would be approriate to speak with him before getting those papers.

This feels odd as I would have ever even thought that I will think like this some day.
But now I have this feeling that I have to go on. Go on and get happy.
This thought feels so good, I am so calm.

There have to be something wrong with me. As this isn't the way I usually handle emotional things... I am not panicing, crying my eyes out. I am just calm.

Maybe I should sleep the night and get those papers today if I still feel like this. :)

Even my relationship status is in front of law 'married' I am not married anymore. I realized that today. I don't want to be close to him anymore. Apparently he doesn't want to be close to me either so... He came back from his dads place today but he didn't go home - he went to see his grandma. Again. For some reason this is very sad situation. But it is better to feel sad now than be miserable for the rest of our lives.

I feel bad because I know that he still loves me. He is miserable because of me.

Being truthful to yourself is hard task. Even truth sets us free.

I've packed his stuff today and now I feel quite.. not sad but I am not very cheerful or happy like I usually am.

And like that weren't enough... there is so much hatred in this world, in people, that my little mind can't really understand it all. Ok, hate is feeling and I try to approve it because of that but why they hate me even they don't know me? And why? Because I happen to be intelligent and WOMAN. Frigging odd. Ok, I know that most humans can't stand intelligent people in general... but anyway. So, people make me feel miserable just because I am intelligent. Like that is my fault... sometimes it would be so much easier without brains and heart.

*sigh*

I don't miss sex that much and that is quite ood in fact when we are talking about me... I miss tenderness and intimacy... but not just any type of them, I need those seasoned with love.
It is awful to sleep when no one isn't holding you close to him, or have his hand on your hip while you sleep. The lack of togetherness is awful...
There is no one when you go to sleep, no one when you wake up. No one to laugh or cry with.

My skin is lonely... it needs touching, caressing...

I miss loving someone. And now it is even harder than before as I know what I want and that is a lot, maybe even too much... At least now it feels that world is full of idiots and most of those idiots are after sex. Nothing against it but love first... I am quite old-fashioned nowadays. :)

He is away for about three weeks. First I felt miserable for being alone but then I realized that I am free. Free to do what ever I want to do. I am relieved.

Of course I miss his presence as I am used to it. But finally I feel free to do things... like rearrange furniture etc. :) As I just can't do anything when he is at home. It is odd, really. I have done more today than I have done in last week... Why he has that bad influence on me?

I feel guilty for being happy because he is not here but I know that there's nothing wrong in it.