Writer's Block: Bitter aftertaste

 

Basically I have never gave a damn when it came to roommate's or friend's musical preferences - though admittedly I do not think too highly of a person who listens solely of one artist or genre. Being a person with very varying musical taste I find it disturbing that there is someone who can be so limited, strict or just plain boring.

When it comes to love music has played a big part and it has usually been unifying factor (excluding Dan's love for Mozart, whereas I can not stand most of Mozart as it shuts my brain): without my love for music I had never ever met or got to know Sonnenschein or Wolfie (in Wolfie's case this is more than true).

Though we have never discussed much about music with Mr. Wonderful we seem to share at least some preferences (soul, jazz etc.) and the differences we have haven't been an issue.

I have also found several music styles I love because of love. Had I ever learned about Indian, Brazilian, Thai or Nigerian modern music without the persons who matter the most, I can not say, just assume that I hadn't.

But detract? I would love to say that am too stubborn to that, but I have to say that in a way it happened back in past as I want to please the person I love too much and thought that suppressing my own personality to support the one I loved was a good idea. Well, it wasn't and I learned my lesson: music is a big part of who I am and one should be able to enjoy the music one loves.

The Spanish Sampler aka "Where the time went?!"

© Periphaeria Designs

Here it is (and also available for download for next two month at the usual place) in all its gorgeousness (even I say so myself as the designer). Funnily enough I feel like the project started last week and not 20 months ago!
Now I only need time to finish both versions of it and then get the thing on sale... anyone knows where they sell time turners (the kind Hermione had in "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban")?

Since then I have met my Wonderful, since then I found a steady job (two weeks from now I have my anniversary there o.O) and since then Mr. Wonderful moved to Finland after me (and that's not all my dear readers, but more about the rest later ).
Life has been busy, and there hasn't been enough time to stitch or do anything actually, but I hope that some of these days I get my rhythm in order and have energy again.

One of the things keeping me away from everything has been odd exhaustion, but I have found the reason for it: doctor and I agreed today that I really do have sinusitis and I am on antibiotics again... (But on a brighter note: I am not on sick leave i.e. I am not feeling sick nor have fever (my boss will be happy *grin*).)

Mr. Wonderful and The Deadly Spanish Bureaucracy

Yes, my knight in His shining armour is still in Spain fighting against the ugly monster called Spanish Bureaucracy. (Sonnenschein always told me how insane their bureacracy is, but now I really get it... Sorry if I ever doubted you. )

As I am used to Finnish bureacracy which is insane, but at least quite fast - usually - Spanish one really makes me fume, but Lady has to be patient even she would love to go and kick their bureacratic behinds to make it faster.

But, my throat hurts so I guess it's time for some medication... like cranberry- caramel ice cream, for instance.

The relativity of time

I was reading my old entries and realised something:

1. Exactly three years ago I was with A. (it was Friday, so I probably was at his place).
2. Exactly two years ago I was still with Sol.
3. Exactly 1½ years ago I was madly and happily in love with Wolfinho.
4. Exactly one year ago I spent time with N. (Sunday and I know that I was at his place.)

Those two years feel like forever. And in some twisted way I miss them all, some more than others, some with more devotion than others...

• I miss A. for those little things he did, even though he was too weak to stand against his family for the love he had for me.
• In some weird way I miss Sonnenschein, even he was too weak to be happy.
• I miss Wolfie for those months of pure happiness, for the feeling of being understood.
• I miss N. for all the good times we had, for all the nights we slept entwined.

I am just curious to know what next 365 days will bring.

Braaaaaiinnnnsssss....

I think I will concentrate on vegetating for the rest of the evening... Those designs would have been stitched and filed ages ago without that nasty fact that I had issues with my stitching mojo some time.
But, it's done, I am free (for a while at least)!

Odd dreams

I don't know why one dream I saw last night bothers me, but it does.
Or maybe it was all about the fact that in that dream Sol came back... and he actually said that he was sorry for what he did and that he knows how much of an a$$ he is, and that he still loves me and wants me back... It wasn't a bad dream, which is actually rather odd, but his sudden confession visit in my dream world was confusing. (I haven't even been thinking of him in ages.)

Ah well...

The Persistence of Memory

Once again I remember why I ceased to listen any music in last autumn. Because it hurt so much, everything reminded me of someone I knew I'd never have in my life for real, even I had to live in hope out of love for him.

Alegría is not a sad song, but it brings tears to my eyes. It reminds me of the happiness I (/we) had (not so long ago), it reminds me everything I (/we) lost. It reminds me of love I was able to feel, an the courage it gave me.
And I can't get one sentence out of my mind: "When will my dear Princess cry her cute eyes out because of me?"

On a less teary note: I was actually thinking connection between music and memories last night when I was listening Pain Of Salvation.
Second Love is song which connects to two different individuals in my personal history. Sonnenschein introduced that song to me, and Wolfie... well, listens PoS too.
I've always loved that song because of its melancholy, because of the lost love and the pain it brings.

Lost love has always attracted me, maybe that is why I seem to be unable to have steady relationship with anyone. Maybe my unconscious self is driven by melancholy and sorrow, maybe I'm not meant for lasting happiness.
It might explain my love for black, it might explain my attraction towards horror and darker side of human mind. I get my satisfaction from there where it feels like home...

But I digress...

Every time I hear Undertow I have the same image in my mind... His phone waking him up in the morning with that tune. It's sunny outside, I lay on my (right) side, wrapped in blanket and I see that phone (orange and white) on the chest of drawers. I even remember the scent of that room...

Love is frail, but memories are persistent. And sometimes memories give you strength, sometimes they make you want to bury yourself under blankets and never come out.
Actually I'd like to bury myself in someone's arms at the moment and just be there. But it's just me and cats - and the music. Some day I can listen this song with smile on my face, but that day is not this one.

Just thinking aloud...

I can't help wondering certain person's behaviour. Though what I know about him he doesn't know the reasons himself, that was why he left me and nothing has changed: he doesn't know himself. He seems to be still running away from what he really is.
But that is his problem now... though, admittedly, it bothers me.

As I said I can't remember why I fell in love with Sol, and I feel sad because of it, but for some reason everything he has said to me (which is not much, btw) since he 'returned' makes me feel less sad over the issue. But I can't help wondering how it is, and is it, possible that someone in his age really is that lost with himself - or maybe he's just filled with little stories and he can't keep them in order to sound logical what he says.

Not that I'd like to know the truth (I rather think that I am just paranoid, evil bitch), but it makes me wonder.

Good morning

Well, I drank that d**ned wine which caused me hangover last time (not this time though, for some odd reason). I drank it just because, even it wasn't expensive, I paid it... and as I don't cook for myself very often (and last time I cooked to someone else I cut to my nail with a knife and now my once beautiful thumbnail is an ugly stump ) it was only way to destroy it.
Anyway, it made me think. N. said that the wine is "too" sweet, and in my opinion it wasn't and this lead me to think of hormones... Estrogen affects in many ways and one of its effects is better sense of taste - which explains the difference between N.'s and my opinion about the wine.
But... Last time I drank that same wine it tasted much sweeter. It can be explained with vintage etc., but still it made me ponder could it just be about my hormone levels? As it has been about two years (bit less) since I drank that particular wine, and last time it tasted much sweeter... Just thinking aloud, nothing else.

And then, as I can't sleep very well when I've alcohol in my blood stream I was unable to reach mr. Sandman, and returned to living room... to window shop *grin* and got surprised by, yes you guess who, Sol once again. I don't know what I should think of this sudden interest towards contacting me... but then, I think it was me who's always said how she believes in friendship after a relationship... Me and my big mouth.
But it makes you think of all sorts of things. Not that anyway, no worries - "luckily" I've other things to worry about, no need for any more issues.

One of my favourite peeves...

Is that group of people who excuse their usage of slang and dreadful language (ya all know wad i mean) with "I'm not native English speaker". Well hello, I'm not either. When in school my English grades were always D or D+ tops, and English is not official language in here... still, I use it daily: I date in English, I get involved with English, I blog in English, I communicate with friends and most of the world with English so I get all the practise I need.
It's all about just having some stamina, it's all about the will to improve. I'm not saying I'm perfect and I admit I've had my Chatnglish phase back in dark past, but we can learn from our mistakes, can't we?

And still, I know there are people who think I'm elitistic b*stard because I let them know from the start that bad language hurts my eyes. But I can't help it, languages shouldn't be mutilated like they do - though I love to play with words, but there is slight difference between playing with and, excuse my French, tentacle raping languages.

When it comes to tentacles...

Talking of tentacle raping, world has come to its end: Unka Ghastly doesn't draw anymore - for non-defined period of time, at least.
It was fun as long as it lasted, all the best for Unka G. *sighs*

Yesterday I realised how different we were and are. How good it actually was that he 'had to find himself'...
What makes it dreadful is that I can't even remember why I fell in love with him.

For reason or another it seemed to me that yesterday when topic of conversation had passed phase 'How was your trip to Thailand?' and when he had really realised what was my reason to go there, that I wasn't crying my eyes out because of him (quoth the raven: 'Nevermore') and actually loved someone after him... he got poisonous. Nothing I said was correct or there was something to notify about.
Does he really think he can crush me? And does he really think I'm stupid enough not to be able to do the maths from things he said? He had to be very aware of Wolfie and the type of that relationship as he confessed he read(s) my blog. Mental wanking? Sadism? What?

It pisses me off, because in the beginning of our conversation it looked like he had matured during past months... some things never change, huh?

Once again.... I knew this

Sol again. We have chatted quite a while, and I can't help the feeling that he wants to say something he don't say.

But... every single time I've something going on someone from past comes back.

Dreams, offline life and random thoughts

Couple of nights I've seen dreams in which I'm in Bangkok, but leaving from there. And last night I made it to the plane. It was a close call, but I made it.
I think my mind is saying something to me, I think it's really letting go.

Watched Lion King last night while stitching (telly is finally in the bedroom so I can sit on my bed, watch old videos (picture quality is dreadful after you get used to DVD quality) and stitch - with cats, of course), and old monkey said something to Simba which caught my ear... "Past hurts, but it's up to you do you end up learning from it or forgetting it" (very faintly based on memory, it may not be correct (it's translated from Finnish anyway), but that was the idea in it).

ISP

Gave another angry call to my ISP, waiting the customer service guy to call me back. I'm in the phase where I'd like to whack someone, not because of not having 'net, but because they try to claim that they have piles of things to do and it may delay preparing... It's summer, for crying out loud! And they have never had any difficulties to fix what ever has been broken in hours or few days. This is first black out of over a week.

Something I thought about last night

It's kind of somber thought, but yesterday, while watching movies and stitching I had this haunting thought... I begun to think how I was after Sol and how I am after Wolfie...
Difference being that after Sol I was practically dead emotionally and physically for months. I had no need to be close to anyone, had no need to be touched, had no need for intimacy... before I met Wolfie. And after him I seem to be more alive than I've bee in ages. I miss being touched, intimacy... I miss the whole scale of it.

They say love can break you, it can. They also say that love can heal you, I agree.
But I also say that it scars you always, no matter what, and sometimes I wonder what's the point.

Brain blurb

Coming to think of it... I always say how I'm not good in getting involved because world is filled with mundane individuals who are unable to keep me interested over five minutes. But then I'm not good at staying single or uninvolved.
Since I separated I've spent only short periods without having relationship with a romantic twist. I met Abhi 7 weeks after Dan moved away, got involved with Sonnenschein about 5 minutes after Abhi left me and after it ended between me and Sol it took (only) five months to get back to business again (I kind of had promised to myself, during winter, not to get involved with anyone before autumn), with Wolfie.
And this is only after my marriage. Though before it I had similar pattern in my behaviour...

So, in this light I may be involved again before this year reaches it's end... It makes me wonder myself and that teflon coating I claim to have. As I seem to be right with it. And in a way it makes me sound so cold and calculating.
Though it may be just realism: if it doesn't work, it doesn't. End of case. Next!

And still I remember how I felt for them, I never forget the love I've felt for someone. It has always been true, deep and insane. And still I can let go surprisingly easily. What's the matter with me? Or am I really, as I say in my LJ profile, too sane?

<!--They say women don't like good guys, maybe men don't like good gals?
As in certain extent I can agree with women not liking good guys. For example I had some issues with myself because Wolfie has morals. I'm not used to it, I'm not used to meet someone who does not want to use me.
Guess why he made the difference? Yup, I found out that there really are men who are worth everything and bit more. There's still hope in humanity, there's still goodness.
(And when it comes to males I've noticed that they're surprisingly attracted to females who treat them bad. Apparently it's part of being human: adventure is thrilling and pain is just the price to pay... And I'm not saying it applies to everyone, and when it applies it applies to humans in general..)-->

What should I say?

Anyone guesses who sent me an e-card?

Ten points girls and boys, Sol.

Actually I was waiting for this. It happens every time I've drastic changes in my life.

Well, I sent him email, told about Wolfie and offered my friendship.
Now we see how much of a man Sol is. Is he able to face the consequences of his decisions and actions? Is he able to stand behind his words? Is he able to be happy on my behalf?

If he's a man and acts accordingly, I'm just pleasantly surprised. If he takes my offer of friendship, I respect his maturity. I just hope to end that part of my life without any further arguments.
As even it ended in ugly way (and with minor nervous breakdown from my side), it doesn't need to be closed in ugly way. And I just hope he understands that past is past.

And btw, this really explains (as I was wondering what was it all about) my dream from last night. Reader's Digest version of that dream: I told person who loved me that I'm in love with Wolfie and I choose him (for that obvious reason).

Isn't it funny how some songs can be scary? I was afraid of listening For My Pain's Dancer in the Dark, even it's one of my favourite songs, just because it had to do with Sol and me. Because it was him, us.
Once again I'm surprised. It doesn't hurt, it doesn't make me cry. In fact I'm smiling when I'm listening this.

The only hope in this endless night
Is to follow you through the shadows of the deepest blue, away from the light
I hear your voice is calling me: "Don't be afraid"
But there's something deep inside of me
Forcing me to turn away
Take my hand, don't turn away, I need you to stay
I know a place where the light and the dark can become as one
This loneliness is killing me
Is there a place we both can live?
You're the dancer in the dark
You're the child of the light
You're the sinner of all time
You're the saint with wings so white
You're the distant shape in the night
You're all the innocence left alive
You're like tainted sun
You're the star shining bright

But then, it's always good to surprise yourself positively.

Jules and DFA - 24 hour challenge

My stitching confronted DFA last night. This piece still has little mistake in it (miscalculated stocking), but it really doesn't matter. Problems begun when whole dragon wanted to be one stitch shorter and two wider... So, in theory I've restitched everything but the stocking.

But let me introduce you little Jules. (I've no idea where that name came from, but it popped on my head last night.)

Info:

• Designer Jennifer Aikman - Smith from Dragon Dreams
• Limited time freebie (but designer has permitted eletronical sharing for this particular piece, so in case you missed this...)
• Stitched with misc. GASTs (I love that Loose Threads bag!)
• All colours changed (originally he's supposed to be green and stocking should be red)
• Two over two
• Stitched on Silkweaver's hand-dyed 28 count Jobelan called Lullaby

Btw, I finished SECE replacement yesterday, so this is my second HD for this weekend!

Words

It's interesting how people you don't actually even know can make you feel so good with their words. And how correct they can be with their words.
I could never do that, and it makes me wonder how someone is able to do so?

Chapters of life

I think that I finally ended one chapter of my life's story. In fact I don't even care will he ever answer to that question I emailed, even I'd like to get it. Then... I don't keep my hopes very high.

As I see it: even not replying is a reply. And in cases like this it tells more than you want to know. But it gives you all the answers you need.

And then something completely different...

It's me! Kiwa Hirsuta - which I've named lovingly as PCOs crab.

My body has gone mad... 17 days, for crying out loud...

Well, at least overactive hormones would explain why I've been so unstable lately... Which may explain my latest slogan

The idea of you is inside me and I'm never alone. You're always there. Always.

Part of old text, written in January 2005. To you-know-who. But it has so beautiful thought in it that I just had to make that as my slogan.

I've to admit that I read everything I wrote to Sol (not emails though) in Tuesday before I left from home. Sometimes it just is good to cry. It cleansed my soul. Something destructive disappeared.

That slogan is all about hope and faith. I just don't know who that you is.

'It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness.'

I think I'm ready now.

I'm ready to write about something which happened in the end of November... or more what are the facts of my life at the moment. I don't know. I don't in fact even know why I'm writing this as it feels bit awkward, but then I do know that it makes it easier to handle. Writing has always been my best friend.

This is 93rd entry about Sonnenschein, and it may be the last entry about him - though we never know what future brings.

After 10½ months of waiting he decided that

1. he needs time to think
2. he needs time to find himself
   and
3. we need a stand-by.

Three hours later Dan was sitting in the train and coming to see me. He did most precious thing anyone has ever done for me, as a friend. He stayed with me four days. He slept his arms around me to make me feel better, and he woke up in the middle of the night just to talk with me. He was there when I needed. And I hope he knows how much I appreciate it.

And now I've decided to live (I haven't been suicidal in any way in years so I don't mean it like that. (Don't I sound like a stable person?) I mean that other way to "have a life".).

If my love is not enough for someone, then it isn't. It's not me being not enough for him, apparently he just wasn't worth (as he has said himself in old days) my love.
If you're too afraid to jump to get what you dream of, then you just have to blame on yourself. I was ready to jump from highest cliff because of my love, and therefore I have nothing to regret. And I know I don't need to cry after lost changes. I'm not the one who has lost or will lose.

Human heart is surprisingly durable. It yields. And life just goes on.

And no need to worry about me. I'm not depressed. I love my life and tomorrow is always a new day.

So, I really am dancing on thorns of crimson roses. Dancing like no one's watching. And loving every painful minute of it.

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity."
Gilda Radner

What I like about Dan is that he's good person to project my thoughts from. He has given quite much perspective for my thoughts lately, and we have found few things we share personality wise and which make our relationships so cumbersome - and what seems to be why we tolerated each others as long as we did.

Kierkegaard has wrote about "leap of faith", and if I remember correctly it's about "jumping into nothingness" and trusting that you wont hit the ground.
Most people can't do it. And in my opinion it's their loss, as long as they don't hurt others with what they do or do not. But they do hurt, and therefore it's a problem.
And my problem is that I'm willing to jump if I feel like it, even it may not always be very rational solution. I've jumped few times and I have never regretted. I may have hit the ground, but I can say I tried. I can say I believed, I have no need for what ifs.
And that is the problem. When I'm ready to jump, most people aren't. And later on they realize what they should have done, and they return to me. They return and regret. They ask for forgiveness, they want that I hate them. But I can't hate them. I forgive, because I can't hate.
And I forgive because I know how much my forgiveness hurts. I know how great pain it gives to see that no matter how huge pile of s*** I've got from them I don't hate them.

Being open and trusting life is usually considered as naiveness, but what if it's not?
Fact is that you do get hurted too many time because of it, but at least you don't have to regret things you haven't done or curse those chances you've wasted.

You just have to trust that life carries you.

Other "fault" of mine seems to be that I'm too honest, too straightforward. I say what I think and feel. Part of it is about having the courage to jump from that cliff - I dare to take risks (which is odd, as I'm quite a coward).
What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger.

I've heard that my main "problem" is my soft heart. Not in that sense you may think it is... it just attracts people who don't know themselves, and they hurt me while they try to figure out who they're.
I've to say that it's really nasty. It doesn't help to hear that it's not my fault. It hurts as much, maybe even more.

It's also about certain urge of some people. This odd urge to rationalise love.
You can't rationalise it, it's a feeling. You can't prove it. You just have to believe to it, and you have to believe that it carries you. And if it doesn't... it doesn't, but anyway you win as you don't have to ruin rest of your life by thinking "What if?".

... I just have to ruin my life by thinking that there are persons who we're too afraid or mentally too weak to jump.

Spots in the sun or what's this thing?

I don't know is it just a coincidence, or just the end of the year, but when I glance around me, and into my own life, it seems that there are odd things happening to people and their relationships.
I was doing my before Sabbath administrator duties in the board (little by little into better direction, my Sabbaths I mean - some day I'll stop blogging, hanging in forums and blabbering in IRC, but I'm not yet ready for that, and I'm not forcing myself. It happens when it happens. It's a journey anyway.) and read one user's post in a certain thread. And even her relationship is completely different from mine to begin with it's odd how similar situation we both are in. (Not to mention that there's things happening to people in general - outside that forum )

Two options, both feel odd, but there's feeling that something should happen - and something odd/ scary/ bad/ etc. will happen soon.
In my case odd has happened already, but I've thing feeling that there's something even more odd to come, and possibly(/very likely) during this year.
And what ever happens... I seem to be the one who makes drastic moves, if and when there's such things.

I'm not afraid of what future brings, as I know I'll live what ever happens. I'm just confused in certain level, as my current situation is something I wasn't even thinking in my wildest/ oddest dreams.
And unfortunately my current situation forces me to believe in fate even more than I've used to. (At the moment of pure oddness I knew why I was experiencing it... and that is freaky.)

Have you noticed that I didn't tell anything even I wrote quite much?

About tags and lousy music

For some reason I've recently changed tags considering certain men. And both of those tags have been changed to their nicknames. Apparently my brain wants some continuity to my tagging policies. Now "men of my life" (well, at least last three... ) are all under their nicknames (Though Dan has other nickname which I use with him...).

I've feeling that I should know why I had to do it, but I just don't know...

Anyway. Been listening bad music whole day (My playlist for today contains: Ace of Base, Aqua and Army of Lovers) and I've to say that I'm surprised. I haven't been in this good mood in days, in weeks maybe. This is so made, naive even and... still I have to say that I like this s***.

Though one reason for it may be that these are memories from my youth (if 26 year old can talk about memories of one's youth). Maybe part of me misses that naiveness... though every time when I talk with my SIL I know that I really do not want that time back. I just don't want to stuck into the past like she has done.

Thoughts about fate and meanings of names.

In order to sound completely mad I'll write about something I thought in night between Friday and Saturday after certain dream of mine. In fact I talked about this with my ex and as he didn't call medics I think I can't be that mad...

"...Peris (in Persian پری Pari) are descended from fallen angels who have been denied paradise until they have done penance..."

"...Their wailing foretells of a death nearby, though it never causes such a death..."

"...exiles driven out of heaven.."

...for starters. Then one of my "first" names...

"...it could derive from the name of the goddess HECATE; it could be related to Greek aikia "torture"..."

...torture... Fallen angel who has to recompense something... And what about Hecate then?

"...in Greek religion and mythology, goddess of ghosts and witchcraft. Originally she seems to have been an extremely powerful and benevolent goddess, identified with three other goddesses — Selene (in heaven), Artemis (on earth), and Persephone (in the underworld). From the three supposedly came her image in Greek art as a figure with three bodies or three heads. Generally she is identified as a spirit of black magic, Persephone's attendant, with the power to conjure up dreams, phantoms, and the spirits of the dead. In the upper world she haunted graveyards and crossroads and was invisible to all eyes except those of the hounds who attended her."

But...

"...Yet Hecate has been called tender-hearted..."

In this point I had came to conclusion that I'm here to make amends. Sounds crazy, yes, but it doesn't clash with my religious views. It only clashes with my reasonable side...

"...The purpose of reincarnation is seen as a chance for a soul to achieve a goal not achieved in a previous life and as a chance to reward man for fulfilling the desires of his Creator. Reincarnation has also been viewed as punishment for a sinner’s previous deeds..." (Original source)

More in here and here.

"...Some sources indicate that reincarnation is a routine process, while others indicate that it only occurs in unusual circumstances, where the soul left unfinished business behind. "

And to drop a bomb and to sound COMPLETELY crazy... reincarnation anyone?

So?

Odd things have been happening lately. So odd things that I can't believe that it has no meaning.
And what bothers me isn't thing what should bother me in common opinion: what bothers me is that in the end I was one who needed space (I'm not jumping on walls here even I don't know anything about my future and with whom I'll spend it with in the end). I need to find out what's behind the name, what's my meaning, what is really important..?

Though... I think I know what is that thing I've to accomplish before I die.