'It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness.'

I think I'm ready now.

I'm ready to write about something which happened in the end of November... or more what are the facts of my life at the moment. I don't know. I don't in fact even know why I'm writing this as it feels bit awkward, but then I do know that it makes it easier to handle. Writing has always been my best friend.

This is 93rd entry about Sonnenschein, and it may be the last entry about him - though we never know what future brings.

After 10½ months of waiting he decided that

1. he needs time to think
2. he needs time to find himself
   and
3. we need a stand-by.

Three hours later Dan was sitting in the train and coming to see me. He did most precious thing anyone has ever done for me, as a friend. He stayed with me four days. He slept his arms around me to make me feel better, and he woke up in the middle of the night just to talk with me. He was there when I needed. And I hope he knows how much I appreciate it.

And now I've decided to live (I haven't been suicidal in any way in years so I don't mean it like that. (Don't I sound like a stable person?) I mean that other way to "have a life".).

If my love is not enough for someone, then it isn't. It's not me being not enough for him, apparently he just wasn't worth (as he has said himself in old days) my love.
If you're too afraid to jump to get what you dream of, then you just have to blame on yourself. I was ready to jump from highest cliff because of my love, and therefore I have nothing to regret. And I know I don't need to cry after lost changes. I'm not the one who has lost or will lose.

Human heart is surprisingly durable. It yields. And life just goes on.

And no need to worry about me. I'm not depressed. I love my life and tomorrow is always a new day.

So, I really am dancing on thorns of crimson roses. Dancing like no one's watching. And loving every painful minute of it.

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity."
Gilda Radner