I once read that love is not that feeling when you can't live without someone, but when your life would be good without the person you share your life with, but the person you share your life with brings some pizzaz to your life.
I have come to understand that notion during the last few years.
Admittedly I have never been good in clinging in anyone (I am physically clingy, sometimes emotionally too, but I know when it's time to let go) so the basics have always been there. Probably I am just too lazy to waste my energy to someone who doesn't want to/ can't be with me.
I have given quite much thought for love as an aspect and on how love reflects into my life lately...
The main reasons for that are the truce with Sonnenschein, the SMS I got from Wolfie in New Year's Day and a conversation I had with mr. X (remember the guy I had a crush on about a year ago?) - mainly the two latter ones.
The SMS just told me what I knew and showed to me that I have traveled far since The City of Angels (the funny thing is that we both still love each other about as much as we used to - we are too alike, and probably we are only ones who can actually understand that fact about the two of us).
The chat with mr. X. was confusing in its way, but eventually I think I know what it told me... mr. X. ran away because he was scared of me and what he felt for me, and scared for those feelings I had for him. It's saddening, but it's not something I could change.
Wolf called me a paradox once "because you are as beautiful as you are intelligent" (for clarification: he considers me as a very intelligent person (that alone proves that there's something in wrong with him, right? *grin*)) and mr. X. surprised me by saying that I have both internal and external beauty - it was surprising because last time I "talked" to him we argued quite badly.
And those lead me, for about the thousand time, wonder what in me causes my singledom? As it seems to me that most who have seen who I really am run away, but still consider me as someone wonderful, someone good. Once again I wonder can it really be so scary to actually be kind-hearted and honest... and depraved as heck.
I have also come to wonder if love is anything else than a form of happiness, an illusion created by feeling good. (I am not saying that it would degrade love in any way if it is so, as I find it only naturally egoistic to keep those people close to us who provide us the feeling of happiness.)
If you think of it, you feel like being in love if you have a good time, the weather is nice and everything seems to go your way - even if you weren't in love, at least in conscious level. And even if you were in love you may not feel like it when the mailman bites your dog and neighbour's roses stomp on your kids... or was it vice versa? Anyway... in the days when nothing seems to work you may also lose the loving feeling.
What if it is lost just because you are not happy in that particular day? Known fact is that relationships tend to break during hardships, i.e. during times when you confront so many hardships during certain period that you just don't have room or time for happiness.
If I just could understand it all....
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