I should write one entry considering Bangkok, but I'm too tired to do it, so I'll concentrate on other things on my mind.
Firstly:
World is odd place. I just chatted few minutes with someone who was applying to be part of my life before I got involved with Wolfie... ("You're a beautiful woman. I'm sure you'll find your soul mate." If it'd be that easy... *sighs*)
I'm not sure, but it feels that mr.X thinks that I was playing with him because I chose to concentrate on Wolfie. In certain extent that thought bothers me.
Secondly...
I seem to be interesting to certain member(s) of my family only when I'm in the brink of a relationship... Yeah, one SIL related rant again.
Since I told to my family that Wolfie and I won't be 'us' she hasn't sent me any IMs or hasn't been around in our family's IRC channel.
When I went to Bangkok, and before I told them (we (W. and I) knew it in early stage so there was some delay), she contacted (or at least tried to) me regular basis and idled around in IRC. My life was so interesting... and now, nothing.
And what's worse I'm dead sure that she has certain fetish for ethnicity, aspect of exotic (what ever it is) and... males I'm involved with. Or maybe I just get involved with way too good looking males. You never know. (Ok, I have never been involved with an ugly man, and I've to admit that last ones have been very nice to look at... *blush*)
It makes me worried because I'm quite sure that I won't end up in a relationship with a Finn in near future - or ever. I just don't seem to have anything in common with Finnish 46 XY karyotypes. (Don't ask me why. I don't know.)
It's not about not being able to trust my possible partner, but lack of trust towards my SIL...
I know she's able to cheat, and even I can't judge her because of that (being guilty for such an act myself in past) it bothers me because she's my brother's wife. And she has a good husband in many ways: he's good looking, physically fit and a good father (I'd think like this even he wasn't my brother). And the thought that she has been drooling after every man I've been involved with in past eight years makes me shiver.
The thing is that she does it very clearly, even she seems to think she's able to hide it. And it's very clear that she doesn't respect her own marriage or me... Sometimes it feels that she can't understand how I find those good looking, intelligent males being this nasty, plumpy brainiac who I am. (They come into my life because they like my brains - and looks. Because I've things to give, because I'm able to challenge them.)
What makes me worry is that I hate the feeling that my possible partner is just piece of flesh, something to show around.... a status symbol, something exciting. A possession without any value as a human being.
It makes me shiver because I'm with a person, not the looks or ethnicity (nor wealth/ social status/ profession (I just find males with good jobs *whistling innocently*)/ etc.). (Though, I admit that lately I've gotten fond of males with darker skin tone. They look healthier for some reason. And it's partly all about the attraction between opposites.)
It'd also mean that possible children of me and possible partner would be only freak show stars to my 'dear' SIL...
My honest opinion is that every single one of us should be involved with someone who's outside of our own cultural circle, just to broaden one's views of world and human race. (I can say that out of experience. Abhi taught me quite much without knowing it himself...) And to notice that no matter how we look we're all made of flesh and blood.
2½
And my father seems to think that Wolfie and I failed because of the cultural differences (in other words: It's no wonder that macho latino man can't get along with you... *SIGH* Just because he's South American by birth... ignorance is bliss, they say.).
If he only knew all the similarities we share in personal history, opinions etc.. (And my intellect wasn't a problem to him, as fact is that he fell in love with my brains.)
If my father just could get his head out of his a** for while.
Thirdly
I need to get decaffeinated from somewhere. My heart doesn't like regular coffee... after drinking decaf for a month.
Fourtly
This is not first time I hear this question in some form, but I can't stop wondering.... "What's your secret to speaking a foreign language with such exquisite beauty and poise and vocabulary that would shame 99% of people in the English speaking world?"
The thing is that I do survive with English, but I wouldn't say that my vocabulary is that good. (Though fact is that I'm able to have relationships in English and I survived last month speaking nothing else than English (and this wasn't even first time).) In my opinion I've dreadful black holes in that thing they call vocabulary....
But then.... maybe I should believe common opinion: it's not rare that people think I'm native English speaker. (Though I just don't get it. I'm not good at languages - or maybe I'm just too self-critical..)
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