How someone can just come out of the blue and occupy your little mind? How things you wouldn't normally do with anyone don't feel acting against yourself when he's around? How can someone just slide into your sexual fantasies, to that world where only few can get, and how can you notice all the sudden that you might actually like to have him around, close to you, after you come? How you can be afraid of losing someone you don't even have met or have in any other sense of the term? How can you be so afraid to lose..?

And what should I do now? Send him an email, send him an IM... what? Maybe I should just go hiding under my rock and let it pass?
Then... what to say? "Btw, if you haven't noticed yet I have a crush on you." would sound so teen, but... why it has to be so difficult? If he laughs his ass out it'd clear it out, and if he chooses to react in some other way... it'd clear it. At least it'd give some direction... And that is what I need now, crossroads can be so terribly confusing

I've known him a bit over three weeks...
Shouldn't I have learnt by now to take it slow? Haven't I learnt anything from past experiences?

But still, no matter how stupid I feel... I've to confess it, for the sake of my own peace of mind. No matter what happens... and what could happen? Worst case is that he puts me in ignore and considers me as a raving lunatic, but there's also the possibility that he doesn't think that I'm insane.
If the worst case scenario actualizes, he loses me. I don't lose him. Then he just has been someone I had to meet and who taught me what ever was his thing to teach.
And other possibilities are, if not win-win, at least deuces.

I shouldn't be so proud all the time. I shouldn't worry over things I don't have any force over. I should learn to give myself to the stream of incidents every once in a while. And I shouldn't be afraid... of anything.

What ever happens from now on one thing is obvious... my heart is still alive. And no matter what, that's good to know.