24th of Something.

I should be sleeping, but I'm not. My mind wandered away and here I am, in the middle of the night.

My father (well, "father") has his 59th birthday today, which means that in next year he'll have his 60th birthday and not that long after it (couple of years) he'll retire.
And I feel so desperately old. My father is almost sixty, I'm almost thirty... both of my siblings are thirty something. And what have I achieved in this world? Nothing.

My brother has kids who'll be in their teens when our father retires... and even youngest of my brother's children will be in school when our father retires. And I'll be 30-something. I'll be 34 in that year my mother retires. 8 years from now.

Hardest thought seems to be this: "My eldest could be (pre-)teen in 2013. My eldest could be in school after few years from now." So, it's not the aging I'm worrying of. I'm worrying of not knowing what future brings.
For G-d's sake, I don't even know what'll happen tomorrow... or next week. There's no past nor future. (I think I'm having early 30-something crisis...) I don't or can't know will I ever be even able to carry a child.

And even if I got pregnant now and here (don't ask me how) my eldest would be sevenish when I'm 34. Ok, 34 is not exactly decrepit, my mother had her 30th birthday after she gave birth to me, but... Well, this is one of my usual anxiety attacks. There just have been so much talk about kids and infertility lately that my mind just can't take it.
It's possible that my mind could take it, but I don't want to even think about those issues. It'd be just too hard - but still I can't avoid those topics. They jump to my face all the time. And living in area where most residents have families doesn't help. I can't even look at kids currently.
Everything is fine as long as I'm able to avoid families, children, women who get pregnant when they want to...

They say that you never get more than you can carry with you... sometimes I doubt that. Sometimes I wonder what kind of deed I've done in my past life to get this. (Ok, there are worse fates than this) And if this would only affect to my life, but this affects to life of others. And I can't understand how Sonnenschein thinks that I'm so good when I can be complete asshole even in best of days.

Yes, I'm bit messed up so it's very possible that there's no sense in this... It was just so much easier few years back when I was younger and apparently more stupid.

In the end I'm worried of only one thing and that is will I ever be able to deliver little human to this world. (Yeah, there's always adoption...) Image of us. As, to be honest, I'm not sure is there any thought more 'divine' than being able to feel part of Sol in me, even it's only nine months. I wish I had words for it, but I'm only human...

Yes, I'm delirious. In some parts of world they call it 'love'.