Findings

I'm forced to use my laptop's music library at the moment, as I can't scrobble music from my desktop (and that is important, I love my statistics) before I get another (longer) cable (from bits_2_whole) to attach it to HP and move modem next to desktop etc... anyway, even it means radical reduce in my choices it can be also a good thing. I found something today.

Where There's Gold by Seal

Where there's cold you'll find a way to justify the loss
Where there's cold you'll find your way
Maybe soon you'll realize with what let comes a cause
Time to pay, time to pay

When there's nothing left to buy, it's only love that gets you high
When you need to have that feeling once again
When there's no place left to roam follow your heart to bring you home
If you've taken all and eaten you can take
You can lift your head

Pray that you will find the strength to keep you hanging on
Pray that you will help someone to find out what was wrong
Only lies can make it go away

All the things you think of now you know that you were wrong
All the things you have to say
Then, by chance, you find a message written on your phone
Clear your day, clear your day

When there's nothing left to buy, it's only love that gets you high
When you need to have that feeling once again
When there's no place left to roam follow your heart to bring you home
When you've taken all and eaten you can take
You can lift your head

Pray that you will find the strength to keep you hanging on
Pray that you will help someone to find out what is wrong
Only lies can make it go away

Roll up your head young girl
Come and said roll up your head young girl
Come and said have some fun and happiness in this world
For every man, woman, child and girl
While youz either fight or its over
***
Virtual ways

When there's nothing left to buy, it's only love that gets you high
When you need to have that feeling once again
When there's no place left to roam follow your heart to bring you home
If you've taken all and eaten you can take
You can lift your head and pray, pray

No, I'm not in love with anyone else than life itself, but I think this will become one of my 'power songs'.

Yesterday I realised how different we were and are. How good it actually was that he 'had to find himself'...
What makes it dreadful is that I can't even remember why I fell in love with him.

For reason or another it seemed to me that yesterday when topic of conversation had passed phase 'How was your trip to Thailand?' and when he had really realised what was my reason to go there, that I wasn't crying my eyes out because of him (quoth the raven: 'Nevermore') and actually loved someone after him... he got poisonous. Nothing I said was correct or there was something to notify about.
Does he really think he can crush me? And does he really think I'm stupid enough not to be able to do the maths from things he said? He had to be very aware of Wolfie and the type of that relationship as he confessed he read(s) my blog. Mental wanking? Sadism? What?

It pisses me off, because in the beginning of our conversation it looked like he had matured during past months... some things never change, huh?

Update on Panda

I haven't stitched it in few days, but I foresee some frantic stitching over the weekend.

About 26% done, 74% to go.

Once again.... I knew this

Sol again. We have chatted quite a while, and I can't help the feeling that he wants to say something he don't say.

But... every single time I've something going on someone from past comes back.

SBQ; Storing Hand-dyeds

This week's

Stitching Bloggers Question

was suggested by Ami and is:

"For those of you who use hand or over-dyed floss, how do you store it?"

In a drawer of little chest of drawers bought from Ikea. Simple, and it works as long as my hand-dyed storage isn't very good.

In other news

I purchased Seasonal Dragons from Patternsonline with... credit card of my own.
Thanks to ePassporte I'm able to buy things from stores it wasn't possible with Electron. They do take small fee from transferring money from your bank account to your card, but I think it's worth it anyway.

Anyway, draggies are just suitable size for RR being ~51x51 stitches. I just need to purchase few blending filaments... and beads... and that fabric.

Back again!

Whole story in here.
Otherwise... it's great to be back! And I've some serious catching up to do during weekend, so there'll be lurker in blogs all around...

Solitude with teflon and lemonade making

I was configuring HP, (just in case the modem has several suitable little holes and I can get both computers connected,) opened Firefox and decided to read those entries FF has cached from my blog... Remember this?

It made me think little twists of my mind. It wasn't just the situation, it is one part of my personality, desiring solitude that is.
As an example: I met N. (that mysterious 46XY I've mentioned) twice during two days, and even I enjoy his company (N. being good conversationalist etc., and I've to admit that there is physical factor too *cough*) I love to be alone.
(Actually we planned yesterday that we'd meet in Friday, but as it occurred him today that he have to go to U.K. tomorrow because of his job it won't happen. The point is that it doesn't bother me even it is not pleasant thing in certain extent. (Though he 'threatened' to take me away from the cats for a non-defined weekend (There were some plans to actually go to Eastern Europe for few days, but apparently that has been discarded as we haven't discussed about the issue since I got offline (some sign of nerdiness I'd say)- at least I'll have less cat related problems. *grin*). I won't complain if he does as he'll pay and... ah well... I think it'd be great fun in many ways. *grin*)

When life gives you lemons make lemonade...

Taking notice to what has happened to me during this summer I am actually quite happy at this moment. It's all about making the best of what you have.
Some grains of sugar...

• During last five months I've met two men with great brains (Wolfie being also the kindest person I've ever met). (Something has happened to Universe as this sort of things never happen in rows... *giggle*)
• I've heard sentence 'You're so beautiful' during last 24 hours (and my shallow self likes that very much).
• There are individuals who make me believe in myself as an intelligent lifeform.
• I've been told that I'm exceptional Finn because I understand jokes told in English (apparently I just happen to know mostly people who understand English well as I know I'm not that rare creature - advantages of being influenced by nerds), and what makes it even better is that I'm able to contribute, continue with the joke.
• My wonderful friends miss me and my blogging.
• I may get online tomorrow.
• I just ate box of strawberries without any problems. (*burb*)

Teflon

I think I said something? Even I'm not involved, just seeing someone... and fact is that we 'met' week after I got back Finland (even we met in person few days later).
'Whoops'.

At least I can say that I know myself. *grin*

Note to self

Never drink wines made out of Muscatel grapes.
One is not supposed to get a hangover from two glasses of white wine...

Good night from your tired blogger

I just escorted my dinner guest to his taxi (thanks to summer and living in Peasantville last bus to Helsinki left about half past nine)... food was good, as was company, I was praised to heaven and back, and I seem to have gotten some injuries... (I'm losing one of my nails! That's absolutely the worst one. *sighs*) So what else can you ask for? *grin*
And to save you from dirty details this is all I'll tell you. But I've to say I had good time.

Certain someone will go to have quick shower and after it one will head to the Land of Dreams.

Btw, I got a book from him (and strawberries, and just to mention Finnish strawberries are best in the whole world *grin* - though I think his intention was that we'd eaten them, but... ermm...) when he came: Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner.
It's backside is very promising:

"What do estate agents and the Ku Klux Klan have in common?
Why do drug dealers live with their mothers?"

I think I'll enjoy reading it. For reason or another.

It doesn't really matter....

The strangest thing happened to me today... I had a date ('Oh mi gosh' and other suitable expressions (though it was same person as last time)), and I even had fun, which wasn't strange, but when I was sitting in the bus on my way home I got SMS from him with sentence "I am not sure if I want to get in to a relationship now" and the odd part... I replied "I'm not certain either do I want to get into a relationship now"... This means that I'm ready to have no strings attached what-ever-it-is, as we do enjoy company of each others anyway.

Note to self: never meet divorcing/divorced males. *grin* (Note to self: never meet anyone. It leads to problems. *grin*)

Actually this was interesting turn as I was just thinking about this few days back, and I wasn't sure how to act because I'm not into hurting anyone, but I also know I'm not completely ok yet.

One fact is that someone is playing with fire in here, and I'm not sure is it him or me.
Other fact is that you'd actually deduce interesting things of that first SMS... but I think I should shut my inner shrink's mouth for now and get into shower. (And remember to send him details of how to get here tomorrow. *grin*)

And as you may have guessed, no sewing for tonight. *grin*

Huzzah for cleaning

I have been looking for Devil Bear for few days because I'd like to finally finish it, and after I lost all hope to actually find it in near future... I found it - of course, that is how it's supposed to be, right? - from place where it wasn't supposed to be (fortunately I had packed it to zip-log bag so no worries) under tons of papers.
And what's even better is the fact that I've measured the piece I stitched it extremely well... It'll finish big enough to fit HP there - in case I've need to carry it around before I can actually purchase laptop case for it.

So, this means that... tomorrow I seem to have two tasks: clean the floors (for about tenth time (not really) during this week and a half) and sew.

Stop vivisection, use relatives... [Rant warning!]

I'm doing some SIL testing, as I'm curious to know what is the trigger of her interest towards my life. It seems to me that her tolerance is getting better (tolerance being not being interested of every single male related thing in my life (though fact is that I haven't been online since last Friday (28th of July) so it "may" affect)), but there is certain point when she gets interested...
Anyway, fact is that I seem to keep my family updated on this sort of issues nowadays (family forums come always handy) and my SIL is very aware of the fact that I haven't moved to monastery... and I'm anxiously awaiting her first "Tell me everything! Is he gorgeous?!" attack (I don't do non-gorgeous males, btw (Just my unbiased opinion, though I admit that my aspect of 'gorgeous' may be different from general view) *grin*). Not that there were anything to tell or that I'd tell that much even there were, but the fun lies in revealing, but not revealing method.

Actually I've been thinking of something which has to do with my SIL's apparent fetish for non-Finnish males and my father's apparent dislike for the fact that I'm not dating males with Finnish passport (Finnish males seem to avoid me quite well, and in my opinion there's too wide cultural and mental canyon between average Finn and me so I'm not that disappointed (I think I'd be categorized as non-patriotic *chuckle*))... If this thing evolves to somewhere it's rather easy not to reveal counterparts ethnicity as long as his native language doesn't pop out as topic. And being mean, mean thing my intention is to avoid such topics as much as possible (though bits_2_whole knows, but I think she won't reveal it).
I'm not rushing into things, but I also deal with the possibilities - and my mind likes to meddle with scenarios... It'd be interesting to just refer to person X with his name and make my father do his assumptions. And if there comes the day when my father meets person X it'd be interesting to see my father's reactions... as I'm quite positive that his assumptions would proved to be wrong. *devilish giggling*
And when it comes to SIL's apparent fetish it seems to me that she has different levels in her fetish, and she seems to have the thing for males who are ethnically from certain area in Asia... (I have this odd connection with Asia, have you noticed?) Even it does have no importance what-so-ever it's interesting - and fact is that males who are ethnically from certain part of Asia seem to have this natural fondness towards certain snowprincipessa, but maybe we blame those few drops of blood in me which originate from that certain part of Asia...

When it comes to my father's apparent dislike for the fact I haven't been in a relationship with a man with Finnish passport since I separated Dan (actually he's (ethnically) half Russian)... I've my theories about that, but I really don't want to believe in any of them even I know I may be correct with one or all of them.

1. He's intolerant (some would use word racist, but as there are no actual races (IMO and according to researches) I don't use the word) a-hole who despises the possibility that his "Aryan" little daughter (who's actually very far from actual Aryan) would get dirty (Urgh, doesn't this possibility sound wonderful? (But I know my father and honestly nothing wouldn't surprise me anymore (Do we sense loving daughter here?)))...
2. He despises the idea that I am actually 27, adult, and am able to decide it myself who I want to be with...
3. He despises the possibility that his grandchildren will be mutts... (Who gives a damn?)
4. I'm too good to any man...
5. I'm no worthy of any man...
6. He feels inferior towards non-Finn because of  insert reason here ...

Ah well, at least I know that my mom has no issues with the men I date and get involved with, even she may not be the most tolerant person on Earth. And when it comes to grandkids I know that she'll love my kids even they were purple with pink dots because they're my children.
And when it comes to everything else... my happiness counts.

(Btw, I do still wonder how my parents ended up together in the first place, and how they could be married over twenty years, as they're like night and day in most things.)

O_o

My ISP has customer service!

Whole story short: when we separated there was no change in customer info of this connection (in other words: it was left under Dan's name), and it was ok with him, "As long as you pay the bills". During these two years there weren't any problems, and as I know everything necessary about Dan I was able to handle possible problems with the connection.
Then... I called to technical support, as mentioned in previous entry, and the guy called me back and told me that they're changing the connection type in our house from HomePNA to ADSL. As he was unaware does the protocol change (well, duh, of course!) I gave a call to customer service and asked about the change... turns out they had sent modems and all necessary info to customers, but the problem was... in Finnish Post. They had delivered the parcel, but to Dan's new address and not to me (bills do come to my mailbox anyway, isn't it wonderful? *grin*), and as Dan is not most patient person, and has bad habit to assume the worst about me sometimes (even he knows there are things I'd never do he seems to assume that I can change), he had sent the box back and cancelled whole friggin' account (by accident, I presume, as his practical skills are even worse than mine and he has problems to understand what he reads - or he lacks stamina to read everything, anyway...) from end of August...
Fortunately this extremely nice customer service person did her work. She called to Dan, had the account cancellation cancelled, changed the account under my name and sent the modem to me (it should be here in next week).

And... when I'm back I'm not with that 256kB/s line, it'll be 1MB/s. It's only 5 euros more (24,90€) per month and I couldn't resist the temptation.

This'll also mean that I'm in the brink of building WLAN for myself (Demon's Den as network name sounds good, don't you think? (As most of you know me under nickname of female demon)) which means that I'll be using mostly my laptop and old desktop may become a server...
Then I only need to connect computers to my stereos (to be able to listen from my music library trough stereos and scrobble it to Last.FM) and I'm in seventh heaven.

I just hope nothing goes wrong anymore.

Dreams, offline life and random thoughts

Couple of nights I've seen dreams in which I'm in Bangkok, but leaving from there. And last night I made it to the plane. It was a close call, but I made it.
I think my mind is saying something to me, I think it's really letting go.

Watched Lion King last night while stitching (telly is finally in the bedroom so I can sit on my bed, watch old videos (picture quality is dreadful after you get used to DVD quality) and stitch - with cats, of course), and old monkey said something to Simba which caught my ear... "Past hurts, but it's up to you do you end up learning from it or forgetting it" (very faintly based on memory, it may not be correct (it's translated from Finnish anyway), but that was the idea in it).

ISP

Gave another angry call to my ISP, waiting the customer service guy to call me back. I'm in the phase where I'd like to whack someone, not because of not having 'net, but because they try to claim that they have piles of things to do and it may delay preparing... It's summer, for crying out loud! And they have never had any difficulties to fix what ever has been broken in hours or few days. This is first black out of over a week.

Something I thought about last night

It's kind of somber thought, but yesterday, while watching movies and stitching I had this haunting thought... I begun to think how I was after Sol and how I am after Wolfie...
Difference being that after Sol I was practically dead emotionally and physically for months. I had no need to be close to anyone, had no need to be touched, had no need for intimacy... before I met Wolfie. And after him I seem to be more alive than I've bee in ages. I miss being touched, intimacy... I miss the whole scale of it.

They say love can break you, it can. They also say that love can heal you, I agree.
But I also say that it scars you always, no matter what, and sometimes I wonder what's the point.

Ye gods etc.

Well, this offline life should reach it's end in Thursday. And if I am not online in Friday morning I'll huff and puff and blow my ISP down. *cursing*

But then, at least I've been stitching and cleaning... And even went to bed in time, which is odd when it comes to me - as you may have noticed.
And then... more life to have in next week, it seems. With same person even. O_o
This may get interesting if I'm not cautious (and when I've been?). *grin*

But now off to grocery and then back home... I'm getting a migraine. *blah*

Something I found...

While I was moving all my offline entries into one folder I found something which I have never posted... memories from Wednesday, May 31, 2006 11:39:58:

LiveJournal Trading Cards Free Account Edition snowprincipessa User Number: 2934663 Date Created:2004-04-24 Number of Posts: 666 Complex person with more quirks than most can take. Mostly cold rationalist who loves facts, but when in love is affectionate, and passionate to fieriness. Introverted extrovert, misanthropic filanthropist. Strengths: Intellect, twisted sense of humour, positive attitude, trustworthiness, naïveness, ability for abstract thinking, sensitiveness, affectionateness, protectiveness. Weaknesses: Naïve, tends to keep her negative emotions inside, fear of unknown, split-level head Special Skills: Demoness, crafter, forum admin... Specialises on melting into little puddles. Weapons: Enchanting eyes, well-hidden horns. Quote: "Freedom of will is given to everyone. If they wish to follow the right path and become righteous, they have the ability to do so. If they wish to follow the path of wrong and become wicked, they have the ability to do so as well."

Make your own LiveJournal Trading Card!
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I liked that puddle part. (This makes me smile. (As they say "It's better to have loved and lost than not loved at all."))

Beauty of a stash and family issues

One Silkweaver at home, one to come. In other words... Atlantic Storm has arrived! (I really loved the value on the envelope.... $4. Yeah, right. I'm not complaining though.)
And it's so droolable! Is there anything more beautiful than hand-dyed 40 count Belfast linen?! Ok, there may be, but this one is on the top of the list anyway.

And while I'm here blabbering about cross stitch related things I'd keep on going a bit...

It seems to me that there's some trend in things I stitch as gifts for immediate family... Different shades of white which drive me crazy.
First there was Hello Kitty Chef apron I made for bits_2_whole (btw, guess did I brought HK stuff for her from Thailand? (I do still think there's something so wrong with HK whiskey glass) *grin*), and now there's Panda for our brother. Both have several shades of white... Not that I hadn't enjoyed or weren't enjoying stitching them, but you got to admit that huge blobs of white aren't good for your motivation.
Fortunate thing with Panda is that I've quarterly goals with it, so I know that after I've stitched that huge area of different shades of white I can concentrate on stitching bamboo border, and huge area with different shades of grey (Oh joy..).

And while talking of my brother... I've to admit that I'm tad worried of what will happen to Panda when it gets to my brother's family. As some of you may remember I've had my issues with them, or at least with my SIL, when it comes to cross stitched item (not to say that is only issue between us)...
Actually I'm stitching Panda just because my mother asked me to. I had promised not to stitch anything to that household ever again... and I also make solemn promise considering Panda: if anything happens to it, if it's not properly treated, it's last stitched thing ever for them, no matter who asks me and no matter how 'good' the reason is.
I just hope that my brother is wise enough to understand why I did it and how much work it has took. I can only hope that he's able to respect his younger sister that much, and I really hope he proves me wrong with all my doubts. But only time'll tell. And to be honest... I'm not expecting much.

They should come and take me away, ha-ha...

I blame on my odd brains on having scent hallucinations (I'm not getting into that sort I sometimes have during migraines), and sometimes they can be rather entertaining, but sometimes... Some time ago I came from shower and went to kitchen to get another cup of coffee (Brainamp should shut oneself up. We don't need Mike and the Mechanics right now ("...she pours herself another cup of coffee....")) when I felt a scent of a man. Question is how, why and what for as it was seemingly impossible.
There's no males around here (cats don't count), nor have been since... too long ago?
I haven't put any perfume yet, and my shower gel or shampoo doesn't have that sort of scent (though I realised few days ago that my shampoo (chocolate and vanilla) and shower gel (coffee and chocolate (do we see a pattern here?)) smells like Bvlgari (explains why I liked W's scent *grin* (I'm beginning to think that it (editor's note: failure of us) was all just being too similar in 'wrong' things))) nor they have strong enough scent to survive that long on my skin - and I'd have recognized them.

Sometimes I do question my sanity. Though I know it's most likely connected with my migraines etc., as (sometimes) I've visual hallucinations during migraine attacks and I reason them with problems in blood circulation. I see no reason why these wouldn't be from the same source.
Actually I'm getting on the sane side... when I was a kid it was common for me to hear someone talking to me even I knew that person in question wasn't even in the vicinity...
And to sound cruel I think it was good that I kept my mouth shut about those. No one knows where I'd been after telling Hey, I've hallucinations. I sound crazy enough even now. (In some cultures I'd be shaman because of all the things wrong with my brains. Interesting thought.)

But enough of public self-humiliation for now. Ta-ta.

Do I really have music this good?!

I happened to notice that I've quite many unripped CDs in my shelf and decided to prevent boredom (and broaden my playlists at Last.Fm a bit) by ripping them. Started with few jazz albums I own and noticed something... I've good taste when it comes to music (and good luck when buying compilations from sales).

I've to confess that blogging tune for this entry reminds me of certain someone... *devilish grin*

I want my 'net!

*throws a tantrum* I want! I want! I want!

Anyway, about an hour ago I did something extremely stupid or something rather smart... only time will tell.
I've nothing to lose anyway (perhaps my so called self-respect, but if you don't reach out to the stars when it feels approriate it's your own problem).
(Though, honestly speaking, I'd prefer rather smart as it'd provide pleasant possibility...)

Otherwise

Life is going on in its slow pace. Cleaning up, piles of laundry and cross stitching.
Boys have found new box to sleep in. It's quite entertaining when any of them sleeps in A4 sized cardboard box, but Neko (6-7 kgs, not the smallest kitty around *ahem*) takes the cake.

And no sign of my Silkweaver parcels. *sigh* I need them to soothe my mind... or then I'd like to know one thing, but.... AAARGH!